Tales from the Angel Retreat

It's Been 2 Years

2011-11-10T12:56:00.002-07:00

I haven't been on my blog for 2 years. But we're still alive and kicking. In the last 2 years I've completed my MA and continue to work at the college, but also after work, for a local company, using my education to tutor struggling readers. The kids have grown quite a bit. Everyone is in school now, and doing well. Annie, who now uses her first name, Dia, began playing competitive soccer a few years ago and is doing great! Will started football this fall...is he really that big? And can you believe Tiffany is a sophomore and wanting to take driver's ed? They are growing up so fast!

We've settled into life together, still have ups and downs, good days and bad days, but are overall happy in our little - big - family.

My mom, by the grace of God, is still with us and doing fairly well. She's as ornery as ever! Unfortunately, I haven't been well. Not too long after my last post, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and have been struggling to stay healthy. Most recently I've begun to have a problem with my hip and am walking with a cane. It's pretty disheartening.

But we're gearing up for Christmas again, and that always elevates every one's spirits. We just got the tags out for the Giving Tree yesterday. The Giving Tree is the project that myself and three other foster families have been working on every year for the past nine years. We elicit help from churches and businesses in our region to gather Christmas gifts for foster children. We've been quite successful most years. The last 2 years have been a struggle. I blame George W. The economy is so bad, the people who used to give are needing help too now. I just hope we're starting to see recovery for every one's sake! Wish us good tidings this year in gathering help to give hundreds of kids a great holiday!

Thank you for reading,
Kelly

Q-Tip Revisited

2009-09-24T11:06:00.002-06:00

I've written before about Q-Tip - quite taking it personally. It's SO hard!! I'm human with feelings and emotions, and my skin is not as thick as leathery elephant skin! Every morning I endure being called the B word by my 6 year old son if I don't give in to him on something, anything. My 10 year old talks like a bitter nasty old hag to me and has no regard for anything I say to her. My 13 year old thinks she should run our house and if I won't let her she "gets back at me" in very passive aggressive ways - not flushing the toilet after going number 2, pointing the shower head at the shower curtain so the next person to turn on the shower gets sprayed, along with the entire bathroom, putting dirty dishes back in the cupboards etc. My 4-almost-5 year old will pull down his pants and pee on the kitchen floor. My 7 and 8 year olds go in the closet and pull all the clothes off the hangers and brake said hangers, then pull all the clothes out of the drawers and leave the drawers hanging out...all clothes left in piles all over the floor. Food keeps disappearing from our pantry and refrigerator. I've had to screw 3-inch industrial screws in the hinges on the boys' bedroom door to keep the door on because they've torn it off 3 different times, and now even those 3-inch screws are losing the battle. Someone keeps digging bigger holes in the bathroom wall where the TP holder used to be before they tore it off. Anybody wonder why I lost the battle to quit smoking? I know some of this is normal behavior, but in my house this behavior is constant as long as their eyes are open during the day and night. The ONLY time someone isn't doing something to raise my blood pressure is when everyone is asleep. And I can't even enjoy that so much because by then I'm exhausted and asleep too.
I chose this life and these kids, and I love them. But today my nerves are worn thin and I'm taking everything personally. My doctor called, there was something wrong with my blood work and I'm being referred to an internal med doc. I needed to vent a little, so thanks for listening.
Kelly

No Regrets

2009-07-17T08:34:00.004-06:00

Wow, twice in one month! There was once a time when I posted almost daily.

I'm having a real problem with Annie lately. She's becoming so violent, and it's mostly aimed at Kassidy, though sometimes also at Will. I wonder why she hits on those two. Does she dislike them? She and Will always had such a strong bond before, what changed? Maybe they are the ones she loves most? You always hurt the ones you love, right?

Most of the time she "accidentally" kicks or hits/punches, or trips, or pushes one of them. Lately, every morning she has either kicked, punched, or thrown shoes at Kassidy. Always in the morning when we're trying to get ready to leave, always causing a scene and making us late. And she has absolutely NO emotion about it. I mean that literally. This morning she beat Kassidy, and Kass was crying hysterically, and Annie just walked out like she didn't have a care in the world, ready to go, no guilt, no remorse, no nothing. That kind of behavior is scary to me.

Of course, when she's given consequences, then she gets emotional. She throws a tantrum because she gets privileges taken away, but still has no guilt or remorse over what she did to Kass. She'll say I'm SO mean because I won't let her go on her field trip today, but she can't connect that to what she did to her sister. What will she be like when she's older? Will she EVER learn that her actions have consequences? I've always been very consistent with her. There are no surprises that she will be in trouble for this kind of behavior. However, she is consistently surprised that she gets consequences for her actions. It makes me wonder what is going through her head through this entire process, from the moment she takes violent action to the moment she stops throwing her tantrum over the consequences. It's amazing to me!

My New Family

2009-07-12T12:03:00.004-06:00

It's been a while since I last posted. My family dynamic has changed quite a bit now. All my kids are legally and spiritually mine now. All the adoptions are final, they now all bear my last name. How strange it has been to be severed from the state. For the first time in nine years, I am free to be the parent in every aspect of my children's lives. I get to decide when they get their hair cut! I don't have to clear overnights and camping trips with anybody but my own conscience. The Department of Health and Welfare has always been my co-parent, and now I am suddenly a single parent. How do I feel about this?

My kids don't really know how to act either. The state has always had ultimate say in everything in their lives. They don't know how to feel about having nobody else to go to if they don't like my decisions. Even though they were all very excited to have the permanence of adoption, they are missing that other "parent" in their lives.

It hasn't been an easy seperation for any of us, but it was a needed seperation. Rules in foster care don't always make sense, they are centered more around avoiding lawsuits for the state than around children's needs for healthy well-rounded lives. While this on the one hand is understandable, on the other hand, it's no way to have to grow up. Can you imagine if you had grown up not being allowed to spend the night with your friends, not being able to ride in your friends cars until you were an adult, not even being able to get a driver's license until you turned 18. You couldn't go on overnight school trips, you couldn't go out of state with clubs from school or church, my kids couldn't go to our church's teen shut-ins because it meant being in the church all night with people who weren't licensed by the state to do foster care. What kind of life is this? If you were 16 and had a new boyfriend who wanted to take you to dinner and a movie, your foster parent had to drive you and be there with you. Talk about scaring off the boys! You might as were be in detention!

Now my kids have the freedom of other kids they associate with. "Mom, can I spend the night with Alex?" Do you know how good it feels to say, without hesitation, "Yes" to that request? I never knew the freedom I would feel!

We have a tough life, the disorders have not vanished with our severed tie to the state. In fact, we've had even more problems. Kassidy was abandoned over and over in her short life before she came to me at age 6. In fact, she came to me from a family she'd been with for 2 1/2 years, a family who had promised to be her forever family, a family who had allowed her to use their last name as her own, who had her calling them mom and dad and planning the rest of her life with her. Then one day they decided not to adopt her afterall, and that was that. With no honest explaination, they moved her into my home and said goodbye. By no honest explaination, I mean, they lied to her. They told her that I'd liked her so much when I babysat her that I was going to keep her. So essentially they made her believe that I stole her from them. Wow, talk about a difficult way to start a relationship with someone. She hated me because I kidnapped her. So that's how we started out together. I spent the better part of two years undoing this damage, all the while working on finalizing MY adoption of her. She was so excited that someone was still going to adopt her, but until it happened, she didn't truly believe I would keep my promise to make her a permanent part of my family.

Now the adoption is final, she is my child for all of eternity. How wonderful she felt knowing she would never be abandoned again. Then, about two weeks later, she began to doubt the permanence. She'd been promised a permanent family so many times only to have it yanked away from her, even now she couldn't believe in the concept of permanent. She began to show her distrust in this new dynamic of our relationship in very harmful ways. She started stealing without prejudice, meaning, she steals from everybody everywhere. She's made it impossible for anyone to trust her. We have had to buy padlocks and lock down our kitchen at night so she won't take all our food while the rest of us are sleeping. Her sisters have to have a padlocked trunk to keep their most valuable or dear possessions in so she won't take them. She has to have constant adult supervision at school, church, and day camp to make sure she doesn't either take or destroy other peoples' property. She's trying to prove that this is not a permanent family. She's trying to get me to go back on my word that I will love her forever and always be her mom. And I just keep telling her I'm not going to go anywhere, no matter how much she tries to hurt me.

I mean it too, I'm not going anywhere. I'm exhausted, I'm frazzled, I'm often at my wits end, but I'm still here and have never had a thought of giving up on her. I just sometimes wish I had someone to help hold me up. Someone I could lean on at my most exhausted moments, someone who would cry with me and celebrate my victories with me. Wow, I sound pitiful! Somewhere along the line, even though I have maintained friendships, I have lost the closeness I once had with my friends and I often feel very alone. I love my kids, but I also need companionship that my busy schedule and that of my closest friends doesn't allow. My mother's health has not improved much and she needs to lean on me, she doesn't have the strength to hold me up. I'm no marter, I have no problem accepting help. I just don't know how to ask for it without feeling weak and foolish. I didn't love and adopt my kids so that people would admire me, and I didn't do all this with the intention of putting myself in an impossible situation. In fact, I don't feel like I am in an impossible situation. I love my kids more than I've ever loved anything in my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I also have no desire to get back the so called "support" from the state that we had before finalizing the adoptions. I just desire companionship. I'm freely admit that I don't know how to obtain that. I don't know how to ask people to be part of my life knowing the complications involved in being my friend.

Wow, I sound pathetic. I think, though, this is one of the few times I've written a post that wasn't contrived. I just needed to write, haven't done it in a long time. If there is anyone out there who still reads this blog, this is all I plan to do with it anymore...online journaling. My hands are too riddled with arthritis to write with a pen or pencil anymore. This hurts less.

Quit explaining yourself, Kelly, just write!

Talk to you soon I hope.
Kelly :-)

The Secret Garden

2008-07-30T10:02:00.003-06:00

So lately, a new tradition has emerged at the Angel Retreat, and it’s a rather nice one. On Sundays, my daughter, Kneesaa, and her boyfriend and her two little boys have been coming over to help move stuff to storage and pack. We’re trying to sell the house, but we have so much junk, it looks cluttered all the time. It’s been nice having them over once a week, and in the evening, we sit down to a big family dinner.

A few weeks ago, they showed up with a friend. Joe was in foster care too, but he had never lived in my home. I’d actually had his little brother, Rafa, for a very short time during my first summer as a foster parent, but we made a connection that will last a lifetime, and some time during the time I’ve known Rafa, his brother Joe came to be part of our family too. When Kneesaa and Allee were seniors in high school, they double dated with Joe and Rafa for the prom, and they still talk about how much fun they had, today.

So now Kneesaa, Mark (her boyfriend), the two boys, and Joe come over every Sunday. We’re trying to get Cami to join us. She moved back to Boise a few weeks ago, and is doing well, but doesn’t have a car so has to bum rides out to Nampa to see us. We spend a few hours working on the house, and then we sit down to a big dinner and talk and enjoy each other. It’s great, and we’ve all decided we want to continue this even after everything is moved out. I look around my table and see my first wave of kids all grown up, talking about they’re kids, and my heart fills with joy. Intermixed with them are all my young ones who are growing up with this big diverse loving family and you can see how much they are getting out of it. It’s so much like one of those big family dinners you see in movies and I love it!

Last week Joe got to our house before anyone else. The girls had just put in a movie, “The Secret Garden,” a movie they had never watched before. It was funny because they always watch the Olsen Twins, or Barbie, or any other Disney or Pixar movie that has come out in the last ten years. But for whatever reason they picked this one on Sunday, and they really got into it. The house was as quiet as it’s ever been at midday when all the kids are home. Then I looked at Joe, and HE was into it. What a picture. See, Joe comes from a gang family, like third generation gang, and he’s a tough guy. If you saw him on the street and didn’t know him, you might avoid eye contact. He’s not a horrible person, just a product of his environment. He has a big heart, and he loves the kids and the family, and is actually pretty gentle. Anyway, to see this big tough guy surrounded by all these little girls and all watching this movie together…it was awe-inspiring.

By the way, it is a great movie!

Thanks for reading!

Cami

2008-06-02T16:00:00.001-06:00

I’ll never forget the first night Cami was with us. Her case manager brought her to the house, and she was bawling. She DID NOT want to live in Nampa! She was angry to be moved to a home so far from her friends, and I found out years later, that when she heard we had a baby in the house she was even more upset. They brought her piles and piles of stuff into our living room, it was late evening, and she looked so vulnerable. I felt an instant connection with her. I went to Wal-Mart to get her some towels of her own and a few other things she would need, and I picked up a card with Piglet on it because she’d mentioned liking pigs. When I got home and gave her the card she cried some more and told me she loved Piglet.
She started school two days later at the high school, and she was scared. In Boise she’d been in Junior High, but our ninth grade is in High School, so this was an even greater change for her. She told me she wasn’t going to bother making any friends because she already had enough friends at her old school and she didn’t need any more. I told her I bet she’d make at least seven friends on her first day. It was funny because she was so determined to be mad and hate living here. She got home from school and very reluctantly told me that she’d made exactly seven friends.
The first few weeks she tried real hard not to like anyone in the house. But one day, she was passing by when I was playing with Will, who was not even a year old yet, and she tickled him. He laughed his oh so irresistible laugh, and it was all over. She melted right before my eyes. From that moment on, they were bonded for life. To this day, if he gets mad at me all he wants to do is call Cami, and Will is one of the first people she asks about when she calls. She would play with him for hours, carry him around like he was hers, blows bubbles with him, bathe him, feed him, dress him, she wouldn’t let the other kids touch him.
She also started to feel a connection with me. You could tell because she sought me out to talk to about everything and nothing. She started calling me “mom” by her second week with me. Her aunt told me she had never called anyone else mom that fast, and there was only one other foster mom she’d used that name for. I was honored. I didn’t really know what I’d done to make her feel that way she did, I treated her like I did all my other kids. She told me, again years later, that I never acted like this was a job, but that all my kids really were my family and that made a difference to her. She’d felt like all her other homes treated foster care like a job.
But we weren’t without problems. She got in trouble at school, skipping classes, and then smoking marijuana. I left for a week one time to go to a foster care conference in Florida and spent most of that week on the phone with the babysitter discussing the trouble Cami and my oldest daughter were getting into constantly while I was gone. She caused a lot of trouble at home, fighting with the other kids, alienating them. She dated boys who were in trouble at school and sometimes even with the law. She lied constantly about where she was going, what she was doing. She tried to manipulate everyone she came in contact with.
But I never let up on her. I gave her consequences for everything she did, and I loved her more and more as the days went by. I’d always let her know how I felt about the things she was doing, and as I seem to do, tell her how things would turn out if she continued certain behaviors. I’m not always right about things, in fact, I often predict wrongly, but somehow, with her, I was able to predict outcomes pretty well. She hated it; telling me that I was always right and she should start listening to me but didn’t want to.
She fought back every time I enforced boundaries and rules with her. She kept increasing her behavior testing my limits. She told me she thought my rules were unfair, and that I should change them. But I never backed down with her, never wanted to give up. I don’t think she knew how to handle that, she was so used to people having her removed from their homes because of her behavior, and I just kept hanging on. One time we got another girl in the house about her age and she had a fit, crying and saying mean things. I couldn’t understand the problem since she’d been so bent on hating it here and not wanting to be part of our family, and when I finally got through her protective shell, she told me she didn’t want this girl to take me away from her. She couldn’t understand how I could share my love with more than one person. She also couldn’t understand how I could keep letting kids into my home and heart after some of the things other kids had said and done to me. She told me if I took this girl in she would know this was only a job to me. I didn’t let her manipulate me. I told what I always told her, this was never a job to me, and I CAN love lots of people at the same time. She said she didn’t believe me. What came in the next months was sort of shocking.
She said she wanted me to adopt her; she wanted to be a permanent part of the family. She’d been with us only about six months. I wanted to say yes, but told her I wanted her to ask me again after she’d been with us for a year. I wanted her to be sure she wanted it before we got into the process. She must have marked her calendar, because at the one-year anniversary of her coming to our home, she asked again.
I was a little surprised; we’d had a lot of ups and downs. She pushed away every time we started getting closer, and I really thought that like others like her who I’d had relationships with, she’d only been saying what she thought I wanted her to say, or was saying things to test me. She’d been moved around so many times, and had only one or two real life-long bonds with people from her past. And I know when she moved out to our home she planned to keep her distance until it was time to move on. Even after living with me for a year, and feeling like we’d made a connection, I felt like she wasn’t being 100% honest about wanting to be adopted, but I wanted it and I let my emotion rule the day.
I started talking to her case manager and her aunt about it. Through a lot of discussion, we started moving forward with the adoption. At first, she was acting very happy about it all. She really started connecting with my extended family, and making herself a permanent fixture in my heart. That summer was trying, though. She got a job and was working as many hours as she could get. I worried a little because I knew in the past, at other homes, she would involve herself in activities outside the home just to be away from the foster family she was living with. Her behavior started escalating again, she started getting colder towards the family.
Then we were only a month or two away from finalizing the adoption. Tragedy struck our home. Will’s mom got custody back. I’d raised him from birth, and Cami had been there for a majority of it. We were both devastated. He was leaving us, and though I knew we’d still see him because of our relationship with his mom, Cami didn’t believe it. She left me the same day he did. She told me she’d never loved me and everything I ever said to her went in one ear and out the other. It was a bad day to say it, because I was grieving a loss too, and couldn’t play this game with her. She told me she wanted to move, and I let her. At that moment, I didn’t have the strength to hold on to her.
I often regret my weakness in that moment. I wish I’d have held on to her until she stopped screaming. But I just couldn’t. And she moved a few days later. She moved to a horrible place where the foster mom truly did think of foster care as a job. Cami became a lone person in a home full of lone people, and I kept telling myself that I didn’t care, she’d pushed too far that time. But I did care, and it hurt for a very long time. Ironically, I had Will back in my home within a month. His mom voluntarily brought him back to me and eventually I adopted him. Cami’s case manager told me that when she went to see Cami, pictures of our family were all over her wall. She was still calling me mom. I missed her, but didn’t want her to hurt me or my other kids anymore.
After four long months of silence between us, we met again. Cami’s counselor, my miracle worker, brought us back together. We met in his office. He’d told me that with all Cami’s problems, her inability to love and be loved by others, he felt that she had finally let someone in, me, and that she did need me. I met with her, and had a list of things I needed to make clear if we were going to have a relationship moving forward. She listened to me, and she agreed with me. Some of the things I had to tell her hurt, but she finally felt a strong enough connection with someone that she was willing to let that someone call a few of the shots in the relationship.
Cami never moved back into my house. But we’ve never missed a single Christmas with each other. Everything has not been jellybeans and roses since, we’ve had plenty of “talks” and we’ve had to listen to each other. But she’s never left me again. She tells me she often hears me talking to her when she’s about to do something she knows I would hate, and sometime it keeps her from doing it.
She’s moved here and there, on her own at 18, with a little help from me and a few others. She’s finding her way, but she still calls me mom. She’s moved out of state, but comes to see us whenever she can, and she calls and texts often. She has since reunited with her birth mother, and said the first thing she told her mother was that she already has a mom, but she was willing to get to know her. I encouraged the reunification so she could never have any regrets.
When she comes home to visit I laugh because I hear her tell my kids to listen to me, I’m always right. I’m just glad I still have her and happy she’s glad to have me!

Another Halloween...

2007-10-29T08:48:00.000-06:00

We are going all out this year. In the past, with the teenagers, we always got pretty elaborate. The whole front of our house was decorated and spooky, done mostly by the teens. We carved pumpkins using difficult patterns and making masterpieces. We put together ingenious costumes and drove around the city trick-or-treating. Then, somewhere along the way, we ran out of steam. To be honest, this has never been one of my favorite holidays anyway. I've always found pumpkin carving tedious, and walk around in the cold begging for candy...well....cold. I preferred to stay in and hand the candy out or watch spooky movies. Even as a kid, my costumes were a bit ho-hum, and I spent more time at home with a stack of movies than out walking the neighborhood.

With the teenagers gone and nobody to do the decorating, we really haven't decorated for a few years. Last year, we got paint out and had the kids paint their pumpkins. Whoopee....no wonder they all hate me! But this year something changed. I feel different. I really think I was going through a depression over the loss of my original teens, and still getting over the stress of the later teens, and just wasn't getting into all this at all. But the painted pumpkins, that was almost cruel. They were ugly and boring, and you couldn't see them at night.

This weekend, we celebrated autumn. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked out pumpkins. We made fry bread....it was SO good!!!!! We decorated the front porch, though still not as elaborate as it used to be, but the kids still love it. And we CARVED our pumpkins. They are so cute. We've bought new costumes for everyone, and they are adorable. I have a Spiderman, a Blue Power Ranger, a girl pirate, and blushing bride, a velvet princess, and a Bloody Mary. I, of course, will be Winnie the Pooh, as usual. In 1999 I bought this costume at the Disney Store, and it cost $50. I figured, if I wear it every year for 10 years, then it only cost me $5 a year. I'm almost there. And the kids love it, so it works. Besides, when Annie, Will and Andrew were smaller, I had Tigger and Eeyore costumes for them to wear, and we were awesome looking!!

Anyway, I guess the point is, I'm so proud of myself for getting back into the groove a little bit. I hope I can keep it up, because I had a lot of fun with my family this weekend. I'd like to keep having so much fun with them!! And we have pumpkin seeds to eat now...I LOVE pumpkin seeds!! I hope you all are having fun with this holiday! And just think, in a few days we can start looking forward to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE holiday, Christmas!!!! (I've only made them listen to Christmas music twice so far this year.)

Thanks for reading!

Jeanne Fowler

2007-10-15T09:07:00.000-06:00

I've been away for a while, but I wanted to get back to my blog and tell you about someone I met recently. A few weekends ago we had our annual state foster parent conference, and I was very busy. I had the opportunity to teach two different workshops. The workshops went well, and as always, it's nice to be able to be so involved not only in my work as a foster parent, but also in helping recruit and retain other foster parents.

A few months back, when everything was being organized for the conference, a call went out for suggestions for speakers for the conference. I had to suggest someone. See, a couple of years ago, my daughter, Kneesaa, brought me this book she'd read. It was written by a woman who had grown up in foster care. I read the book, and bawled like a baby. Her story is so hard to imagine to be true, though it is definitely true. Her name is Jeanne Fowler, and her book is Peter's Lullaby. I had been to the website of her organization, Big Family of Michigan, and knew she spoke publicly, so I suggested her for our conference.

Much to my happy surprise, the powers that be decided to follow my suggestion and commission Jeanne to speak at our conference. I got to spend some time with her outside the conference to welcome her to the area. She was so excited that someone west of the Mississippi knew about her story. I was excited to meet her. And I was amazed. She was a happy woman, full of energy and enthusiasm for life. She has a great sense of humor, laughs a lot, and jokes a lot. I have a deep respect for her, and knowing her story, am in awe of her passion for people and life.

I sat through her presentation, during which she went through the same story she wrote about in her book, which I had already read. But I have to say, it was so much more powerful hearing it from the mouth of the person who lived it. We had to go out and buy more Kleenex for the second part of her presentation because we ran out during the first part. Jeanne does a great job of bringing the reality of family/domestic abuse towards children to the minds of people who have a hard time understanding the truth of it.

Her story is graphic and hard to read some times. But it's important, and I believe people need to know what kind of stuff is really happening to kids out there. People need to be aware that there is a need for more people to get involved, to help in whatever way they can. There are kids out there who need your help.

In writing this post, my hope is that more people will purchase and read Jeanne's book, and that more people will consider what they can do for the children of their community. Follow the link I've connected to the name of her book to the site where you can purchase it, and follow the link to her organization to see what kinds of organizations exist to help children. There are more ways to help than doing foster care. Even supporting local foster families, or organizations that work with kids can make a huge difference.

Thanks for reading.

Things That Help

2007-09-25T09:59:00.000-06:00

Well, we've been on a little kick to make things a bit healthier in our home. We finally got new furniture. Our old set was so comfortable, but was the kind of material that soaks in dust and grime like a sponge does water, and that just won't due. Plus, it was old, and we were ready for a change. So we found a nice microfiber sofa/love seat/chair and ottoman set that we really love. I think the microfiber will be easier to keep the dust from collecting in. And this furniture is very comfortable. Plus, bonus feature, we got a sleeper sofa so I now have a place for my older daughters to sleep when they visit. Well, and my brother and sis-in-law too.

The other thing we're doing this week is changing out the living room carpet for Pergo. Our carpet is seven years old and looks like it's 15 years old. It wasn't the kind of carpet meant for the traffic of over 200 kiddos. (Of course, when we chose it I didn't know I was going to have so many kids, or kids at all for that matter.) We've already put Pergo in the hall and boys' room, and we love it. Again, it will be something that will not grab onto dust and hold it in for years and years.

Why my obsession with dust? Normally, I'd say whatever, but I now have kiddos with high allergies and asthma. The flooring in the boys' room has made a difference for them. I think it will really help having it in the living room as well. The girls already have wood flooring. My hope is that it will help us keep the environment cleaner not just for the kids, but also for my mom. Next I want to get her floor done in her room cuz right now hers is horrible, and I think it'd be easier to keep her somewhat healthy if we got rid of her carpet. Her room and my room will be the only ones in the house left with carpet. Our goal is to be carpet free. Once we reach that goal, then we'll also change out the tile in the kitchen for the Pergo, and last we'll change out the parquet in the girls' room for Pergo so eventually the whole house will have it except the bathrooms and laundry room.

That reminds me, I really need to change the filters on the furnace tonight.

Thanks for reading.

PRIDE

2007-09-17T09:16:00.000-06:00

Parent Resource for Information, Development, Education

This is the class I teach sometimes to train incoming foster parents. I love this class for a number of reasons...I love to teach, I feel like I get something new out of it every time I teach it, and I like meeting new foster parents. The entire course is 27 hours, broken up in 3 hour sessions, and I usually teach 2 or 3 sessions. Last year there was one round when I was the only foster parent trainer fully available to teach, so I got to teach 6 of the 9 sessions. That was great!!

But I have to say, I have one pet peeve when I'm teaching this class. I get very irritated with those people who come in thinking they already know all there is to know and are only going through the motions so they can get their license and move on. First of all, NOBODY knows everything, and people who act like they do are usually the people who know the least. And I have to say, I believe that is true in EVERY situation, not just in foster parent training. Second, even people who've been working in the foster care system for 10 years will learn new things at every training, even training they've been through before...like I said, I get something new out of it every time I train it! And third, why are people so afraid to just open their mind and absorb rather than try to look like they already know all there is to know...and again, I feel this way about the way people behave in every situation in life.

One time I was talking about the grieving process, and all the stages people go through and explaining that people don't just text-book follow the process and be done with it, but people bounce around, and often hit certain stages more than once, going back to denial or anger, or bargaining every so often. And also that people never really stop grieving, that especially in children as they develop and grow, they revisit their losses and often go through stages of the process again and again. Mr. Know-It-All in the back started arguing. He said he used to teach this process in an adult therapy group and that it is a clear-cut process, he would explain to his clients that they would go through it, in order, blah-blah-blah. Whatever, I don't believe it. I've worked with a number of kids in foster care and seen them go through these stages in whatever order their brains go through them, and I've seen them re-enter a stage they've been through before, often a number of times before. I'm not just talking out my butt when I'm training this class. I use my experiences as a foster parent in my training. Mr. Know-It-All will never be successful in fostering until he opens his mind.

So why am I talking about all this? Because we're in the middle of training a new group of foster parents, and for the first time in 4 years, we have an entire class full of people who I really like. They all seem to have open minds, and are eager to learn. There are several in there who have different kinds of experience with kids or the law or are already taking care of relative foster children, but none of them are claiming to know it all. They are all there ready to learn, and willing to look at things from a new perspective. The discussions in this class are important and their questions are insightful. This is exciting to me, it gives me hope that we will get a lot of really good new foster homes! And we need them.

Not to change the subject, but here's just a little perspective: the number of children in foster care in our region of Idaho has doubled in the last year, but the number of foster homes has stayed the same. That means all our homes are full to bursting, and we have no beds for incoming kids. We've had to have social workers check into hotels with kids for the night while an available foster home was found, or kids and social workers sleeping in the office at Health and Welfare, or even social workers taking the kids to their homes for a night or two. Kids are having to be put in group homes who don't belong there just because there is no other place to put them. And this is an epidemic being experienced all over the country. If you've even thought about becoming a foster family, now is a really good time to finalize that decision and go for it! It's already traumatic enough for kids to be pulled out of their family, but then to have no place to go from there is even more traumatic. Having to sleep on a couch in an office, or stay in a hotel with strangers only adds to the damage being done to their psyche...call H&W up, do it, kids need you!!

Thanks for reading!!

Remembering What You're Dealing With

2007-09-10T09:30:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, knowing what we're dealing with, and remembering what that is in the heat of the moment, are two very different things. Especially when it comes to being scared to death.

The girls' school is doing a fund raiser, and the kids have to sell all this stuff to friends and family. No door to door sales allowed, of course. So when Annie asked if she could take hers to a few friends in the neighborhood, I let her, but said over and over, NO DOOR TO DOOR, stay away from houses we don't know. And she did well. But then she went to the wrong house, next door to her friends' house. "He was a stranger, but he was nice!" And he bought something. This was NOT what I needed to hear! Now I have to be afraid she'll go door to door.

Then Annie realized her new little sister had not made any sales other than what I bought. Now this is where you see she does have a big heart. She wanted to help her sister get some sales. She asked if she could take her to the neighbor, and I said yes. And then she and I were going to go to the store. Well, about 20 minutes later, the girls were not back. I went outside, and looked at the neighbor's house where they were given permission to go, and there were no cars in the drive-way. I asked Cindy where the girls went and she pointed down the road in the opposite direction. I got in my van and started perusing the neighborhood looking for them. I drove around for the next 40 minutes going up and down every street in our subdivision more than once, and could not find them. I was panicking. I was stopping people I saw in their yards and asking if they'd seen two little girls. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and finally said, call the police. I couldn't remember what shirt the younger one had changed into when we got home from church.

Just then, I saw them walking towards home. I went berserk. I had thought the worst and couldn't believe Annie had taken off like this after three star days in a row. I yelled all the way home, fear and relief coming out at the same time. I made them eat dinner and go to bed early. Annie stole gum out of my purse and while she was in bed early, she got the gum in her hair. This escalated into an argument between her and me because she wouldn't tell the truth about the gum. Look how fast stars turn into X's!! (She gets stars for good behavior days and X's for bad behavior days. She gets allowance for star days, and no allowance and no TV for X days.) It snowballs, one bad thing turns into another, and she won't stop, or can't stop, she keeps doing things. It's like star days put her brain in overload until she blows and starts getting X's. (If she gets an X, then continues to have bad behavior, she gets chore sticks.)

What it usually takes me a day to sit back and remember is that she has brain damage. Her birth mom drank during pregnancy. Alcohol puts holes in the child's brain. It takes away their ability for impulse control. It damages or completely exterminates short term memory. She was getting excited about the sales she'd made, and wanted more, even if the sales would go to her sister. The minute the two girls walked out the door, she forgot we were going to the store. The impulse to try to sell more was too great. The fact that she'd successfully sold something to a stranger, and nothing had happened to her was too tempting. Then, once she got in trouble, the ability to deal with her emotions was gone, and she kept doing more things that got her in trouble. Her behavior can't be excused, and it can't be left ignored, but my behavior can be controlled, and I need to take everything into consideration. I did good by not going overboard with discipline. But I let my fear get the best of me, and in my relief that she was OK, not kidnapped or dead, I let it out on her. That may or may not have been the right thing to do. I can't take it back, and it does no good to dwell, I just need to learn from this. My capacity to learn is far greater than hers, and I need to make the changes necessary for both our sakes. With her brain damage, it is my responsibility to try to keep her from being put in such tempting situations, while at the same time allowing her to grow and learn and become independent.

This is my challenge in life. I gladly take it on.
Thanks for reading.

I'm a Terrible Mom!

2007-08-28T08:25:00.001-06:00

I could come up with a million excuses, some may even be plausible, but it doesn't take away from what I did. I was so excited for school to start again, and I apparently expected everything to gather itself and get itself ready for the kids to head off to school. Last night I was scrambling to fill back packs with needed school supplies. (Luckily we have a stock pile of supplies, and only need to buy a few things this year.) I hadn't had my kindergartner color the picture her teacher sent to have her color for her first day. I had no idea what the kids would wear on their first day, and they were already in bed.

So I get the kindergartner up this morning and have her sitting at the table coloring her picture before I take her to daycare while I"m trying to get ready for work. She's doing a pretty good job, and I'm feeling even more guilty because in the 4 weeks she's lived with me, I haven't even assessed her skills. I know she's ready for school, but I don't know HOW ready. I was impressed, and started thinking she may have some natural artistic ability. I'm thinking this as we're hurrying to get ready for her first day of school. I didn't even get a chance to go down and meet the teachers last Friday. Give me ten lashes.

I get her to daycare and ask them if she can finish coloring her picture there. They say sure and ask me when she's supposed to go meet her teacher. What? Today is the first day of school! Oh no, not for kindergartners. They are meeting their teachers today and tomorrow and don't start until Thursday. Holy cow, I'm a horrible mother. So I call Granny and ask her to look at the letter from the teacher, and sure enough, this little girl is supposed to meet her teacher this morning. I have to go to work, and Granny has to take Will to the psychiatrist. Where's my clone? Do I really need to go to work? Hahahahahahaha! But my wonderful daycare said they would take her over there for me. I love them!

Somebody should take my license away, I'm not being a very organized mom lately. Let's just hope I don't mess up the first week of soccer as bad as I have now messed up the first week of school. Somebody ground me, take away my shoes, something. I need to get my act together!

Thanks for reading!

Who's Lost Now?

2007-08-17T08:08:00.000-06:00

I admit defeat. I can remember about a year ago feeling the same way, only actually even more defeated. Is it this time of year? Annie is in the "I don't care about anything, no matter what you do or say" mode, and she's winning. I'm taking it personally, and I'm not supposed to. But no matter what I do or say, she won't turn it around. How do you not take that personally?

I've been threatening her for months and months that if she doesn't start taking better care of her things, clothes, toys, whatever, she was going to find herself not having anything left. Well, I realize my first mistake was continuing to threaten and not doing anything about it. So I finally did it. I took all but three tops and three bottom, and three pairs of underwear from her closet. She was throwing her clothes in the bottom of the closet, putting clean clothes in the hamper rather than putting them away, leaving clothes laying all over the floor and even outside (huh?). For three days in a row she went out to play, took her shoes off, and then just left them out there, so there were three pair of shoes out there. But it isn't even only about the clothes.

She's been yelling at the other kids, being absolutely hateful to our 7 year old. She's been stealing candy (OLD candy from the lost depths of our pantry) and throwing huge tantrums. Everything she can do to get in trouble, she's been doing. For a while I was thinking it was fallout from losing Kristy, but when I look a little harder, I realize it started when we picked her up from Bible Camp. And it just gets worse day after day. And I finally came to the end of my rope. And I emptied her closet out. I told her the only way she can get any of it back is to start earning it with good behavior. So what does she do? Spits on Cindy, talks back to Granny, make me want to start a bonfire!

I don't know if this stems from anxiety. School is starting soon, and she'll have a new teacher and new class rules, more homework. She's surely anxious about Granny's failing health. She's anxious about the changes in the house, and now another one is leaving. (The 7 year old is going home.) I hope all this stems from anxiety over these things rather than just being cold-blooded sociopathic behavior! But like I said, she's broken me down, and I'm having trouble coping, trying to maintain, trying not to take things personal, because all this feels VERY personal.

We all need a prayer to make it through this time of turmoil. I hope we can be out of this before Christmas. Pretty soon she'll stop believing Santa is watching her, and then what will she care enough about to make her want to be a nice person? God help us all!!!

Thank you for reading!

Untitled

2007-08-14T08:33:00.000-06:00

I thought about calling this "Where Did You Go" or "Lost Girls" but can't decide. I had the desire to write a song one day. I was missing Allee a lot and they called and said they were moving Kristy. I'd never written a song before and suddenly really wanted to. It would be cool if someone like Pink sang it because Allee really liked Pink. Anyway, here it is, what do you think? Title suggestions?

I remember you, when I was a girl
I was sitting on your lap,
You were whispering in my ear, mommy to me, together we’d be.
I remember feeling your arms around me keeping me warm, keeping me.
I wish I had a picture. I wish you were here now.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember going to the fair
Laughing with you beside me eating cotton candy,
Hanging on to you as we flew through the air on the swings.
I remember being at home sitting on the porch pointing out butterflies with you, being with you.
I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you could come back.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember searching the streets for you, wondering why,
Keeping warm without you at night, then waving goodbye to you as they drove me away.
Sleeping in strange beds, living with strangers, year after year while you were where?
I can remember hoping never to see you again, never to hear your voice again
But I didn’t mean it then, and especially not now that I won’t see you ever.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I’m all grown up now, I’m a woman on the run.
I can’t find my home, I can’t find my mom.
My daughter cries and I see your eyes, I hold her tight
And point out butterflies. I hope I can be what you weren’t for me.
And keep her safe for eternity. She’ll always know where I am, where are you?

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

SMILE!

2007-08-07T08:11:00.000-06:00

Smiling is infectious,You can catch it like the flu.Someone smiled at me
today,And I started smiling too.~Author Unknown

I made a vow this morning to my image in the mirror as I was putting on my eye liner. I told myself I would smile no matter what happened. Everyone has seemed so negative lately, and I know it's the fallout from losing Kristy and other seemingly minor incidents that are much more than minor in the eyes of children. Cindy's mom was supposed to send her birthday present (3 months late) but still didn't. Annie is overwhelmed by the changes in personel, what with Kristy leaving and the two girls moving in. Will is going to daycare regularly now, and he's having trouble adjusting. Granny is sick, they found a large blood clot in her lung, and I'm so scared.

But everyone is taking their fear and frustration out on each other, and I'm no better than the rest. So I smiled. I walked out of the bedroom and smiled at each of my children. I gave them eacha sing-songy good morning. I smiled at my mom, and she in turn smiled at Annie. Annie commented that she hadn't been yelled at this morning. Annie made her bed!!!! Cindy smiled and was nice to the boys. The boys didn't fight all the way to the van, or in the van. Will didn't cry when we got to daycare.

I got to work and with an armload of stuff, dropped my keys, but I smiled. God please give me the strength to keep smiling! Please help Granny smile all day. Please help Annie have a fit-free day! Please help Cindy be happy. We're having nachos for dinner afterall!

Thanks for reading, and smile!

FIRE!!!!!

2007-07-31T08:19:00.001-06:00

We had to make the decision to cancel our camping trip yesterday. Idaho is pretty much on fire, and we didn't want to get up there and then find ourselves being evacuated and losing all our camping gear and all that mess. Just being down here in the basin, the smoke is getting so bad the boys' asthma is acting up and everyone's allergies are getting out of control. All my kids have puffy purple bags under their eyes, my eyes feel like there's sandpaper in them. If we went up to the campground where we had a reservation, we'd be surrounded by smoke and fires.

We're going to camp in our backyard instead. I think that will be fun. It will be hot since we keep getting in the triple digits here, but we can still go to the lake which is only up the road about two miles from our house. And if we decide we want our own beds, they're right there! :-)

Be careful all you who decide to brave the mountains right now. Those fires can move fast, and they say new ones keep popping up which is making it impossible to get them under control.

So Many Cliches Work Here...

2007-07-30T08:51:00.000-06:00

Uh, everything happens for a reason, God works in mysterious ways, when one door closes another opens...you name it.

So Kristy is gone. She and Cindy got back from camp Friday night and Kristy was picked up an hour later. Nothing I said or did could change it, and believe me, I tried. And then, oddly enough, something totally unrelated and opposite happened.

My two-year has four siblings. Two live in this area, and two live in another state. We've never met any of them. We were told the two here were in a placement with a family who intended to adopt. Those two had never really met my boy. It was actually kind of strange that there was never an effort to put these kids in contact to make connections. But their case worker was at our house last week for a monthly home visit, and she had a question for me. She said the girls' foster parents had decided not to adopt the girls, and they needed a new placement for them. She asked if we would consider taking them. We asked if we could meet them first. Well, actually my first gut reaction which I blurted out was "YES". But then I asked if we could meet them. So the girls are going camping with us this week.

They came over on Saturday for a preliminary meeting, and they are SO cute!! The younger one looks just like her brother!! I think I fell in love right off the bat. And the family they've been living with these last three years are so nice. I kind of got excited. We haven't told any of the kids. Right now, they know the girls are coming camping, but they think it's a respite thing. I thought, and the other family thought, that if this works out, we'd spend the next few weeks transitioning them to our home, but H&W isn't thinking that at all. If this works out, they are moving in like next week! Holy cow! And this will be permanent. Adoption.

Here's the numbers: I have three grown adopted daughters. I have one 8 year old adopted daughter and one 3 year old adopted son. The process is beginning for my adoption of Cindy, age 11. I will be adopting my 2 year old boy. And now I will be adding five and six year old sisters to the brood. That makes nine. 7 girls and 2 boys. Good grief. My favorite show when I was younger was Eight is Enough, and it's kind of the same because one of my three oldest isn't actually legally adopted, though in my heart she's mine. So I'll have adopted 8. But on the show there were 3 boys instead of two, but oh well. At least they won't have the same names.

What were their names? Tommy, David, Nicholas, Susan, Joanie, Elizabeth, Mary, and what was the last one? This will bother me all day. Let me know if you know.

Thanks for reading.

Sad Update...

2007-07-20T15:33:00.001-06:00

This just in..........

I want to cry. Granny just called me. H&W called and they are moving Kristy, tonight. We don't get time to say goodbye or help her understand why and that we aren't rejecting her. It's a sad day at the Angel Retreat. I have love in my heart, but tears on my face.

Feeling Perplexed

2007-07-20T11:07:00.000-06:00

I've told you a bit about Kristy. She's a challenge, to say the least. And she's smart, which actually makes her more challenging than others we've had. Her behaviors include sexual acting out with our other kiddos, vengeful defiance, manipulation including manipulating the others in order to get them in trouble, stealing, triangulation, and, my favorite, playing the chronic victim. If she were an adult, I'd simply not associate myself with her. But she isn't an adult, she's a 10 year old girl who is hurting and scared, and is only behaving the way she's been taught to behave for all but the last 5 months of her life. How can you fault her for that?

I'm perplexed because there's something about her that makes me not want to give up on her. In this case, I think it's going to benefit her that I used to have a house full of teenagers. When Kristy came to me in February, she'd been in care only 2 weeks, and had already been moved 5 times. Her behavior and the behavior of her 3 siblings were the direct cause of their movement. But after having teens who'd spent most of their young lives moving from home to home, mostly because of their own behavior, and knowing how those moves contributed negatively to their adult personalities and behavior, I can't be in on a decision to move Kristy again. I feel it would only do her more harm than good. This little girl is lost in the wind, and needs some stability. I don't think I can change her, but I think I can help stop the progression of her negative behavior. At least I hope I can. And I truly believe the biggest way I can help with that is to hold on to her and show her someone is willing to keep trying.

I'm also perplexed because I don't know what kind of permanent damage may be done to the others in our house by keeping her. Can we turn her around before losing the others? And even if she was moved from our home, wouldn't we only get another girl who would or could cause the same problems? That seems to be the trend. Children keep being moved from homes for the sake of the other children in the home, only to be replaced with more children who cause the same problems. When do we stop moving them and start helping them? By knowing what's happening, and why, we can use this to make our other children stronger and more tolerant of diversity. We can teach them that we are all in this together, and people need other people to help out in order for all of us to reach the finish line. I want my children to learn to be caring and nurturing, understanding individuals. How can I do that if I have children removed from our home because their problems were inconvenient or a challenge to us?

I'm perplexed because I am feeling H&W is going to conclude they need to move this child and we will have no say in this matter. They will do it without our consent, or our asking. They will do it even though we want to do what we can to help this child. And I have to say, this is unusual, they really don't move children like this all that often like they used to. I'm really not sure why they are talking like they are going to do it here whether we want it or not.

More and more I have love in my heart and a smile on my face for Kristy even though she does something everyday to get to me. The more she does it, the more I want to make this work for her. She needs positive energy, think of her and think good thoughts for her. It could help!!

Thank you for reading, have a great weekend!!

One Sugar or Two?

2007-07-19T10:34:00.000-06:00

Sugar is a big issue in our house. Back when we had all teenagers, we mostly just discouraged it. Stacie's family would give her, literally, grocery bags full of candy at every visit. This to a girl who'd had to have 75% of her baby teeth pulled because they were rotted from all the candy she'd eaten. (I was going to insert a pic of tooth decay, but the pictures made me ill. If you want to see them click here.) Also, Granny had read an article about caffeine making you crave chocolate, and from that day forward, she banned it for the girls. This was hard at first because they were all so used to junk food and Mountain Dew. But they started getting used to drinking a lot of water, and were feeling better, and stopped griping about it. Of course, any time they were at group functions with Health and Welfare the social workers filled them with junk (a concept I never understood) and they got some at school where there are at least two vending machines on every wing of every floor in every high school.

Then we got Annie. I started doing a lot of research on fetal alcohol, and found that sugar was probably what was causing her chronic urinary tract infections, and that her body just wasn't able to break it down and process it which leads to behavior issues, so we took it out of her diet. (Among other things like food dyes and whole wheat, some dairy, and have lessened red meat.) Anyway, it's become a rule in the house. Sugar is out. Now all the kids are sugar free. But there's still conflict with new kids. But when you get kids like our 7 year old, who we had to take to the dentist and have 13 teeth removed because they were so rotted they smelled, it only makes sense to limit or eliminate entirely the sugar they were getting.

Kristy has had a real hard time with this, and is sure we've infringed on her civil rights by not allowing her to have sugar whenever she wants it. I've overheard her yelling in the bedroom about what witches we are and that she has a right to sugar. You know, at the ripe old age of 10 she's a real legal eagle!! How dare us try to take away her God-given right to sugar!!

The thing is, it isn't like they don't get treats. I try to bake something sugar-free with Splenda once or twice a month. And we have a cookie jar full of sugar-free candy, and we let them drink diet soda once in a while, and we find sugar-free treats at Wal-Mart all the time! And honestly, from watching them devour whatever sugar-free treat we give them, they don't seem to mind the taste of Splenda. So what's the big deal? They aren't getting any fewer treats now than they would if we allowed them to have sugar, it's not like we'd keep the house stock-piled in cookies and candy and Mountain Dew!

What brought this up? I made oatmeal-cranberry cookies with sunflower seed last week, with Splenda, and Granny put them in their lunches today. On our way to day camp I got big thank you's from Annie and Cindy for the cookies and a "look" from Kristy. Sporting my new attitude, I smiled back and said, "I did it because I love all of you so much!" My new mantra to them is "with love in our hearts and a smile on our face." As in, we're about to go into church and every one's been fighting, and I say, "I'd like to have a nice family day today, so let's walk in to church with love in our hearts and a smile on our faces!" (I often say it as much for me as for them.) Anyway, my love you all comment melted a little of the ice and Kristy gave me a smile. So see, even though it's Splenda, it's still sweet!!

Thanks for reading!

How Many More Days Until School Starts?

2007-07-17T07:57:00.000-06:00

Just kidding...not really. Summer can get boring, especially for foster kids who have to be supervised almost constantly. We try to come up with stuff for them to do, but it gets pretty exhausting. Last weekend we had three extra kids ages 7, 1 1/2, and 9 months. That pretty much cemented my desire to take down the crib and say no to anymore babies! :-)

Anyway, what do you do with 9 kids? You take them to the local street fair for breakfast, duh! We were quite a sight!! We had free tickets for the kids to eat, so we loaded up three strollers (I asked my mom if she wanted the wheel chair, but she refused) and took off in two vans. On our way to the line to buy food tickets for Granny and myself, a very nice lady stopped us and handed us free tickets. So we didn't even have to pay for this day in the heat! (It was in the hundreds again.) The food line was fun. "OK everyone, hold your plate with BOTH hands, no don't let it tip, it will spill...ANNIE HOLD YOUR PLATE UP! Milk or juice? How do we carry that?" Another nice lady carried plates for us to a table on the other side of the parking lot. Breakfast was good. Then we toured all the booths. There were jumpy things for the kids to play in. Then there was an old school bus called the Magic Tumble Bus which was filled with gymnastics apparatus for the kids to play on. Then, of course, clowns twisting balloons (if they could keep them from popping long enough to make them look like something.) The poor clowns, As I watched them make 9 different balloon animals for my demanding children, about 20 of the balloons popped in their hands because of the heat before we were able to walk away with happy kiddos. They made picture frames, masks, got their faces painted...all for FREE!! How could we beat it?

When we got home exhausted, our foster parent friends showed up early to pick up their three children and lessen our load a bit. That night we had family movie night...ever seen "The Horse in the Gray Flannel Suit"? They loved it, then went to bed.

Sunday morning we decided to skip church even though no child in the house allowed us to sleep in AT ALL! I went out to mow the lawn and we made the girls clean out all stuffable spots in their bedroom. Every shelf, nook, and cranny was seeping onto the floor with old school papers and other junk they've picked up along the way. The boys were in their room putting all the toys away. And for probably the first time ever, both bedrooms were clean when we left the house. We went to the YMCA to swim. Our Y has the best pool area ever!! It's great for kids of all ages including a kiddy play area like I've never seen before, a moving river, two huge slides, and diving area, lap pools. The kids absolutely love it. Granny brought a bag full of snacks to keep their energy up (like they have a problem doing that anyway with their self-recharging batteries), and I played in the kiddy area with the boys. We stayed there for several hours, then had everyone shower (aren't we smart instead of having them go home and use our water!) When we got home they were so tired, we popped in Wallace and Grommet, and made dinner, and let them eat in the living room (something we very rarely do unless it's football season.) Then everyone went to bed happy. I even got the adoption announcements ready to go. (I'm slow on that kind of stuff.) What didn't get done this weekend? Laundry, regular chores, painting, grocery shopping. But we had fun!!

Thanks for reading!

Can You See it Now?

2007-07-09T10:06:00.000-06:00

I worked on the button, and I can see it again, can you?

So I've had some trouble at home. Kristy is no longer allowed to be alone with Annie or Cindy in any room of the house, or outside playing. She says things to them that are horrible, and I don't know what exactly, just that I have to deal with the fall-out. Annie was talking about killing herself after one particularly bad morning of it.

It's hard. Kristy is hurting so much, and the only way she knows how to deal with her feelings is how she was taught by her family, she hurts others. She's doing a great job with Annie and Cindy, and they are hurting now too. We are working on getting her a more involved counselor, one who will return our calls and communicate with us so they know what's going on in her life and what she needs help with. I've never been a real religious person, but I pray for her. There's something about her that snagged my heart from the first day, and even with all the trouble she gives us, I want to see her get better. I don't want to see my other girls spiral because of her, but I can't give up on her, that's all anyone else has done in her life, and I see potential in her. If you're the praying type, send one up for her, it couldn't hurt. If you're not, just think happy thoughts for her, that couldn't hurt either.

Thanks for reading!

I Got An Award!!

2007-07-02T12:22:00.001-06:00

Look at this, I got an award. This is so cool, I'm very flattered. I think I am supposed to pick 5 others to give this to now. Sue at Life In the Urban Zoo nominated me!!

Christine at Mommy Matters,

Emily at Peanut Tales,

Laura at The Kidlet Chronicles,

Sarah at Sarah and the Goon Squad,

Stacie at Mom's Busy, Take a Number

Enjoy them!!

So Much for that Idea!!

2007-06-26T08:46:00.000-06:00

Respite kind of got cut short....

It started out nice. I got all the kids off to their respective respite homes, and spent some quality time with my good friends who were taking my two year old. Will and Annie got to play and eat dinner with their kids, and I got to have adult conversation with someone I don't live with. It was nice. That was Friday night.

Saturday was great! We got up in the morning and went to breakfast. Annie, Will and I went to the church to meet with our pastor. He walked the kids through the ceremony that will be happening in a few weeks to baptize both of them. Then he had same great kids books about it for them, and we all read one together. Will wanted him to play his keyboard and sing a song, so he did. Then Will wanted him to play his guitar and sing a song, so he did. (There is something about my son that makes anyone do just about anything he asks them to do. It's kind of scary some times.) Then we went home. On the way we stopped and they got hot dogs for lunch. At home we waited for grandpa to get there and eat his lunch, then we left. I had the whole day planned. I took them to the YMCA to swim and play, and they were having a great time. Suddenly, Kristy showed up. The family she was in respite with had brought the kids. I was fine with it until Annie came out crying and upset because Kristy was being mean, dunking her under the water and saying mean things. It was time for us to leave anyway, so we did. Next we went to see Shrek the Third. (Will is a Shrek fanatic!) They loved going to the big theatre (we usually go to the dollar theatre or just rent.) They had popcorn and sat next to grandpa and laughed. We had a real good time. Finally I took them to dinner at one of Annie's favorite Mexican restaurants. I got them home and in bed happy as little larks.

On Sunday we slept in a little. Yes, we skipped church. It was nice to sleep, and I discovered that when Kristy isn't there, Annie will actually sleep until about 8:00 or so. Finally, some rest for the weary. Granny was happy because she'd been able to spend all day Saturday doing nothing, getting lots of rest. Will got her up at 7:30 Sunday, but it's better than 6:00!! We went to breakfast again, and planned a nice little BBQ dinner for that evening before we picked up the others. Then we went and all got our hair cut. That was kind of fun too, and spontaneous! Then we got the first call. Kristy had to come home. She'd decided to get up early and try to cook with the family's expensive pans, and burn them and fill their house with smoke. She'd been a lot for them to handle, but this was the last straw. I was quite irritated. I went and got her, and when I got home found out that the 7 year-old had to be picked up too. The minute Kristy got home, all our wonderful calmness and happy-go-lucky fun with Annie ended. She immediately got an attitude and started ignoring Will. I couldn't believe the change in her personality just from having one child come home. Of course, Kristy was mad at the world, and was defiant and insolent the rest of the day. (Who ever thought I'd use a word like insolent?) When the 7 year old (does he have a name on here yet? I'll call him Karl) got home, Will started getting bossy and grouchy. Granny started getting upset with everyone over every little thing. I wanted to go crawl in my bed and hide from them all. After dinner, my 2 year old, Andrew, came home, and then I went to get Cindy.

So our respite was cut short by several hours, and when they all came home, it was like they'd never left. I guess I'd had this pipe dream that they'd all spend some time out of the house, having fun and relaxing, and come home refreshed and happy. Silly me!! I should have known better, I've done this before. But it's like the lottery, you know your chances of winning are always more than slim, but every time you buy a ticket you have great hope and start dreaming of what you'll do with the money.

But never fear, the four oldest are leaving for camp this weekend, so I won't have to listen to them bicker for too long.

Thanks for reading!!

Who Needs Respite?

2007-06-19T09:40:00.000-06:00

I DO!!!!!

OK, when I first started foster care, I would say things like, if they were my birth children I wouldn't get respite, so why do I need it? I admit, I was young and dumb!!

The thing is, kids in foster care aren't the same as the kids you give birth to and raise til they're 18. They aren't your kids, and they like to remind you of it. They often want to cause you problems, because many of them think if they are bad enough, everyone will get fed up and send them home. They come from chaos, and are only comfortable in chaos, so they create chaos. They have behaviors that are often unbearable, but were developed as survival skills in the world they were being raised in. Most of them are some kind of alcohol or drug effected in the womb, and a larger and larger number of them every year come into care as users already, at any age.

Not trying to judge, I can say with all honesty, if I had been able to have my own children, and given birth and raised them, they wouldn't have these problems simply because I don't live that life. I don't use drugs, and I don't live a nomadic and largely unemployed life. So my birth children would not have been exposed to anything stronger than caffeine in the womb, or out of the womb. They would have seen from day one that I value a strong work ethic and that I value citizenship and community. And from my example, they would not have had to learn survival behaviors like lying and stealing just to get through the day, or have something to eat.

This is the difference. This is why foster parents need to have respite once in a while. We don't blame the children for their behaviors, and we do love them. But we need short breaks from them once in a while to catch our breath. The stress level in our home gets quite high just from these things I've mentioned. Add to that the acting out that comes from their grief and loss from being ripped away from their families, and if we don't take breaks here and there, we'd only last in this a year or two before we had to be put away.

I have a 10 year old girl who has not been allowed to see or talk to anyone in her family for 6 weeks. As each week passed, her behavior got worse. Can you really blame her? What were you doing and thinking when you were 10? What was your biggest worry?

I have a 7 year old boy who tested positive for methamphetamine when he came into care 2 months ago. He doesn't know why he lives with us, and wasn't allowed to see his mom until 2 weeks ago. He is out of control most of the time.

I have an 11 year old girl who's mother suddenly and without explanation gave up her rights and moved away. Left orphaned and abandoned in my home, she's depressed and confused, scared, angry.

I have an 8 year old who was nearly killed by her birth mom before she was 2 years old, and on top of that was exposed to alcohol in the womb. She sees her birth mom as a black ghost in her nightmares.

I have a three year old who was born addicted to meth. I can't even get the reality of his problems across in words. He's already on anti-psychotic meds.

I have a two year old who has never met his birth mom as she abandoned him at 1 month old. He was almost completely unattached when we got him at 8 months old...nobody had been holding him or nurturing him. What does it feel like to not learn the basic need of love and trust as an infant, and subsequently not know how to attach to people who love you even as a two year old?

I feel for all of them, and love all of them. And because I love them so much, I need a break. I need a little rest so I don't burn out and so I can continue to love them. I get it now! I'm not so naive anymore!! Get me some respite!!!

Thank you for reading, have a wonderful day!!

I'm Honored

2007-06-14T09:27:00.000-06:00

I work weird hours, so on Mondays and Tuesdays I don't get home until around 7:30, but I have Fridays off. This should be an advantage for special celebrations and functions which always used to be on Friday or Saturday. But in the last year I've noticed these events being held more on Monday and Tuesday. That doesn't work for me.

So this Tuesday they held the annal Foster Parent Appreciation Picnic at the zoo. It was a huge event with free admission, rides for the kids, and catered dinner. We didn't get to go because of my work schedule.

We had a phone call on Monday asking if we were going to be there because we were getting an award. Granny told them it wasn't going to be possible for us to go. They were disappointed, but understood. I figured they were giving out silly awards to everyone as they often do at these events, so I wasn't real upset about it.

Yesterday one of the social workers brought over the awards we were supposed to receive at the picnic, and they weren't silly certificates. These were very nice, printed awards framed in heavy, expensive frames. Only six awards were given, and we actually received two of them. It made me feel bad that we had not attended. All the social workers in our region voted on who should receive these awards. We were told there was quite a bit of applause when our names were read as the recipients of these awards. I'm quite honored by this. It wasn't something I really expected. I guess I don't really do this for glory, and so I don't consider that I might ever receive something like this. At the same time, I'm excited and grateful at the knowledge of having all the respect and support of our social workers that comes with awards like these.

All I can say is THANK YOUto all who recognized us for this! I'll say it again, I'm honored!

Don't Forget the Older Ones

2007-06-12T10:06:00.001-06:00

In all my joy and excitement over these adoptions, I've forgotten to give notice to one of my older girls. Stacee, who turned 20 this year, got married on June 2nd.

I'm so proud of her. I remember the night she came to us, scrawny and scared. She was only 14 and, unfortunately, had lived the life of a much older woman. The four years with us were hard. She resisted learning to love and live in a healthy way. But she survived me, and has gone on to become a beautiful, healthy woman.

She is living on her own, making her own way in the world. She has a good job, and found a man who treats her they way she deserves to be treated. She had a good engagement and is now married. She has a healthy relationship with him, they communicate, and they plan. I'm so proud of her that she hasn't tried to rush in to things since leaving our home. She's really taken to heart the lessons I tried to teach her, and she wants to be a good person. She is happy, and OK with herself.

Stacee calls every once in a while to let us know what's happening in her life. She lives too far away now to be able to see her much. But I always love talking to her. She always sounds so good. Often, when she calls, she lets us know if something we tried to teach her has come in to play in her life. She thanks us often for all we tried to give her. I guess what I need to do now is thank her for letting me important in her life, and for helping me realize who I am and what I can do. I'd also like to thank her for being who she is and sticking to it. We had some difficult times her and I. But in the end, we both gained a whole lot from each other. I miss her so much, but am so happy that she is doing so well and being her own person.

Congratulations, Stacee and Lee, I love you!! Mom :-)

I'm a New Mommy

2007-06-11T08:40:00.000-06:00

As of June 7th, Will is mine forever. That's two adoptions in the last two weeks!!

I know they've been living with me all their lives, but I just keep chanting like a giddy new mom..."I'm a new mommy of two." I'm so excited. I just can't explain how this feels to know that nobody can ever take these two babies from me again! (I know, they aren't babies anymore, but they're my babies!) I keep calling them by their full names including their new last names because it feels so good. Will and Annie are mine forever and ever and there will never be the threat that they can be taken from me again!!

What feels different, and good, too is that Will is really being needy of me lately. He's coming to me instead of to Granny a lot more, and he wants to sleep in my bed with me instead of with her. Not that I want him in my bed, it's just knowing that he wants to be there.

I'm sorry, I can't type a lot due to an elbow injury I have right now, but I just want to share with the whole world!!!

I'm a New Mom!!!!!

One Down, Three to Go

2007-06-04T14:49:00.000-06:00

Gosh, it's seems like just yesterday I was shamelessly begging for hand-outs to help fund Will's adoption. Guess what! This Thursday, in 3 short days, I will be going to court to finalize it. All the legal paperwork is filled out and sent in. The date has been set. The beginning of a new chapter is only a page away. Only one thing can slow us up now. Even though this is a private adoption, the Department of Health and Welfare has to sign approval, and it's on their desk, it's just a matter of whether they sign it in time for our June 7th court date or not. If not I have to explain to my boss that I need another day off, court had to be canceled, and we'll be having an adoption celebration BBQ before the adoption is done. Not to mention I'll have flown Cami here too early to see it happen!

I'm pretty sure if everyone out there in blogland thinks positive and wishes with all their might, this will happen this week with no problem.

After long years of waiting, wishful thinking, heartbreak when he'd leave, then pure happiness when he returned, and again and again this cycle of let down then ecstaticness...enough to make yo feel bi-polar yourself!! It's happening, and right on the coat tails of Annie's LONG awaited adoption. I'm not sure there's anything else in this world I've ever wanted more, or will ever want again than to have these kids become mine now and forever.

And that's not all!! H&W will begin work on Cindy's adoption as soon as Will's is complete. She will probably be adopted before the end of the year, then the only one left will be Andrew (my 2-year-old.) And with that, I have my family. I have my kids. And together we can try to do our part for our community by being a strong and loving foster family!! (I think I'm loopy with joy.)

Wish us well, I'll write more soon. Thanks for reading!!

I Had to Share

2007-05-23T15:37:00.001-06:00

I just received an email from my social worker at the Youth Ranch. She met with Will's dad, and I've been a little freaked out by what he might say or do. Here's what happened:

Hi PandasJr: I met with Will's birth dad today. He asked me to
pass on to the family caring for Will (I didn’t state your name, although it’s
in the Petition he received) that he appreciates you caring for him and thanks
you for all that you are doing for him. He expressed that he is not going
to contest the petition to terminate his parental rights as he wants what is
best for Will and he cannot provide a stable environment for him at this time or
in the next couple of years (all of this will be detailed in the report).
He said that if Will's mom is okay with the adoption and Will is in a stable
home, then he is not going to contest. He really would like to have some sort of
contact with Will, such as pictures, letters on how he is doing, etc. He
said that he would like to have some form of contact with the adoptive family
regarding updates on Will and he would like to write you a thank you
letter.

I guess I was even more worried about this than I thought I was, because this made me cry. I've never met Will's dad, and don't really know a whole lot about him. I didn't know what to expect. I had to share this, it's very special!

Where Does the Time Go?

2007-05-23T11:41:00.000-06:00

Gosh, I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted anything. I've gotten real busy at work, and I don't have a computer at home anymore, so it's been tough getting here. I decided today I needed to show some attention before I lose what few readers I have!!

Well, tomorrow is the day. We are finally going to finalize Annie's adoption tomorrow. It's like a dream, still very unreal. This has been a long time coming - about6 years now. I honestly began to think we'd never see the day. She and I are both very excited. We will be wearing a pretty bright blue color. (It has become a tradition in my family to have color themes for my adoptions.)

I have stackable mother's rings for all my adopted kids. They have the birthstone, the child's name, and the date of adoption on them. A few years ago the jewelry store was having a fantastic sale, and I knew I'd be adopting Cami and Annie in the future, so I asked if we bought the rings then, would we be able to bring them back later to have the date engraved on them. The said of course. Well, I went last week to have Annie's date engraved and was very rudely told that they won't do it, and reminded a number of times how long it's been since I bought the ring, as if I committed some sort of jewelry fashion crime. I've been to engravers and other jewelry stores trying to get someone to engrave the date for me, and nobody will. I'm so irritated by this. The other problem I'm having is that I was told they would always have this ring style, and now they don't have it anymore, so I have to find a different, yet similar style, to get rings for Will, Cindy, and Andrew (my 2-year-old). Why can't things ever just simply work out smoothly for me?

Speaking of...Will's adoption has also been scheduled. Yup, my attorney scheduled court for June 7th...WOO HOO! However, I just learned that a lengthy court report has to be written up by the Idaho Youth Ranch indicating a recommendation for termination of parental rights for two reasons. (This is reasonable, just that it came up late in the game and may push our court date back.) The first reason is that his birth mom has never made it over to our county courthouse with her lawyer to sign consent for termination in front of a judge. The second is that they are going to terminate the dad's rights based on abandonment because he's never had contact, and right now he's incarcerated in another county and can't go before our judge. This is going to take time, but I don't know how much. I'm a little bummed, because I already planned a celebration BBQ for the weekend after Will's adoption to celebrate both adoptions with friends and family. But no worries, I'll just have to change that. I'm also bummed because I already bought a plane ticket for Cami to be here for his adoption, and now it may not happen while she's here. See, not smooth and simple. OH well, I guess as long as it works out in the end!

Thanks for reading, I'll try to get back again soon!

Worst Day Yet!

2007-04-24T17:44:00.000-06:00

I've now had my worst day as a parent. The day started out OK, normal, like all other Saturdays. Cindy's soccer game was at 9:20, so I took her and left her with her coach while I went back for the rest of the angels. Will's game was at 9:50 (have you ever watched 3-year-olds play soccer? It's hilarious!)

Anyway, I was carrying 2-year-old (he needs a name on here...Drew) I was carrying Drew to the van, and my foot slipped off the side of the sidewalk. I fell, and as I was going down so many things went through my mind! I had flashes of granny almost ten years before slipping while carrying my 2-year-old cousin, and twisting her leg, shattering everything from the mid shin down. I could see Drew falling head-first and was trying to catch him. I felt my foot and ankle twist horribly. I tried to reach my hand under Drew's head so he'd have a softer fall and only managed to twist myself worse. His head hit and I grabbed him up at almost the same time. He was crying and scared, I was in shock and scared. Granny came and got him, and I just sat there.

I finally got up and tested my foot and ankle. It seemed sore, but not horribly bad. Obviously, nothing was broken. I went to the van where Granny had put Drew, and he was still sniffling, but generally OK. I couldn't believe he wasn't hurt worse. (I've kept my eye on him ever since for signs of trauma, but he's still just fine.) So we went to the park for a day of soccer.

After Will's and Cindy's games, we all had lunch, then went back for Annie's game. She played well, the other kids played in the volleyball sand, and on the playground where I could see them. Granny sat in the van in the shade with Drew so he could snooze. When the game was over, I was able to get all the kids' attention and tell them let's go. We were gathering up chairs and sweatshirts. Will came running over from the sand with his shoes in hand, and as I was telling him to sit down so we could put them on, he dropped them at my feet and headed for the van. The others came along and ran past, and I picked up the shoes and started moving to the van. I noticed my foot becoming much more sore and harder to walk on. It took me a while to get there, so I assumed all the kids would be in and ready to go when I arrived. But they weren't. Kevin and Will had never made it to the van. Great. We thought they couldn't be far, so the girls started running through the park and I started limping, yelling their names and looking for them.

Kevin was found very quickly and I saw Kristy dragging him towards the van. So I concentrated on looking for Will. I could hear the girls at different locations yelling his name, I was doing the same. It's a fair sized park with 15 different soccer fields marked off and approximately 1500 kids with their parents and families running around and playing soccer. In the whole time I was looking and yelling, becoming more frantic with each step, and not one person looked at me or asked if there was a problem. After all four of us had walked the entire park each, I was almost hysterical. I couldn't believe this was happening.

Then Granny called my cell phone, "Cindy found him over here in a tree." I went towards the van and saw, in the corner of the park, a giant evergreen with shadows moving around inside it. I looked in and found Will playing with a rather large boy and thanked God we found him. I don't know who the boy was or if he was just innocently playing with a child about 10 times smaller than himself, or if he had other intentions. Right now I'm happy we found him unharmed. He, of course, is oblivious...they were just playing with sticks, and he told us all about their game.

On Sunday I came down with a stomach virus...penance for dropping one child on his head and losing the other. It's days like these that make you appreciate what you have!

Talk About Normal!!

2007-04-17T14:32:00.000-06:00

These are the days that make me remember that I mom first and foster second!! Friday night we loaded everyone up in the new van...gotta say, it's the most wonderful thing, I never knew these kids could be so quiet in the car!! (It has a DVD player.) Anyway, I digress...we loaded up and headed to Boise to a support group meeting and things were just fine. About 3/4 into it, Kevin came running in to say his tummy hurt. I rubbed his back for a few minutes, then he went running out again, so I assumed he was fine. Well, we all know what happens when we assume!!

He threw up twice at Health and Welfare, twice on the way home (in the new van!!), and all night long. When he woke up Saturday he was just fine. We chalked it up to him eating too much pizza. Until granny ended up being up all night Saturday vomiting, and I spent Sunday trying to get the kids to maintain an even keel so granny wouldn't bite their heads off. (Cindy asked what was wrong with granny, and I told her the same thing Kevin had, and Cindy said, "Granny ate too much?" I wish!! When does granny ever eat enough let alone too much!?) So we got through the weekend.

At about 11:30 Sunday night I heard a horrible sound coming from the boys' room. 2-year-old was retching, dry heaving, and all together miserable. I was up taking care of him when I heard a noise in the bathroom, and look in to find Kristy camped out by the toilet also retching. Good grief! It's not flu season!! Both kids finally settled down and went to sleep about 2:30 am. Somewhere around 1:00 am I remembered I was supposed to go to our Boise office by 8:00 am on Monday...trying to get from our town to Boise in the morning is a little like...trying to get across the Big Eye in Albuquerque on a Friday evening at 5:00 in the rain. If you've been there, you'll know. If you haven't, imagine LA rush hour times whatever.

I did get up after my measly 3 1/2 hours of sleep, got the boys to daycare and made it to Boise only 15 minutes late. Then I spent the rest of the day in a fog. Everyone at home was feeling fine and dandy like nothing ever happened. Is that enough normal for the week?

I Feel Myself Coming Back

2007-04-10T10:07:00.000-06:00

You know, for a long time, I was starting to worry that I was losing the ability myself to attach to new people. I wasn't getting as close to the new kids in the house as I used to, and I wasn't getting horribly upset when they left. I really was worried that I wasn't feeling anymore. But I think I'm back!!

We have two new angels, one I've told you a little about, she's been with us over a month now, Kristy. The other came to us last week, Kevin. He's 6, and has no sense of boundaries or rules. When you go anywhere with him you literally have to hold on to him, and pin his arms to his sides to keep his hands off things. He hears adult voices, and he immediately starts talking and whining to drown out their noise. He doesn't hear anything you say. He's a CHALLENGE!!!! And that's putting it mildly.

So both of these new angels are a lot of work. Both have already wreaked havoc and tried my last patience. And here I am falling in love with both. I have to say, Kristy looks so much like a very good friend of mine did when she was young, it's hard not to think of her as one in the same. My friend came from a difficult situation as well, went through so much of the same things, and was probably also considered a challenge to the adults in her life. She and I are, I believe, soul mates, as far as friends go, even though we had no contact from age 13 to 31. Her mom had taken her away, and we lost touch. I found her 5 years ago on Classmates.com, and we've renewed our friendship as if we were never apart. I understand that this is probably what made begin to feel a connection with Kristy, she looks so much like my friend. But in the last few weeks, I've begun to really enjoy her for who she is, challenges and all!

Kevin also reminds me of someone. A few years ago I had two brothers in my home for a few months. The younger one was so hard to handle, he was into everything and always up to something. He made me want to tear my hair out. But at the same time, he'd look at me with those big 6-year-old eyes and make me want to cry. He'd say, "I don't want to be bad." And he meant it. It's so hard for kids afflicted with FAE because they know they are different in that they can't control their impulses and before they know what they are doing, they are getting themselves in trouble. He was so adorable, and demonic at the same time! When they moved him to a relative I hoped he would do well. I found out later that the placement failed. He's now in a residential treatment home and not with a family at all. There are times when I feel like I failed him. Kevin is a lot like him, and I don't want to fail this one. He, in only a weeks time, has wormed himself into my heart. I don't think I'll let this one go so easily.

This feels good. I'm attaching again, not afraid of being burned again. It's good to love even if they leave. I was a lonely person before I started taking in kids, and I think I was starting to get lonely again while trying to keep myself from getting hurt. But in protecting myself, I was starting to not feel at all. Now it's like I'm coming out of a coma, I'm alive!!! And I love!!!

CARS!

2007-04-09T14:48:00.000-06:00

This is what I did in the boy's room when the teenager moved out...

Lightning McQueen looks a little demonic in this picture.

They love their room. It's nice to feel like I can do something like this and don't have to worry about having to change it any time soon. I'm finally just weeks away from finalizing my 3-year-old's adoption!!

Training the Trained

2007-04-02T12:52:00.000-06:00

This weekend I did something I haven't done before. I co-trained a group of foster parents who have been fostering for a while already. Most of the were kinship providers, meaning that the foster children in their homes are related to them in some fashion. This is much different than the usually training I do because of the experience these people already had when they walked through the door. It's also different, because the people who foster their own relatives view their role in foster care much different than those of us who foster children who have no relatives to go to.

Before it started, I wasn't sure I'd be up to the challenge. I remember when I took this training. It's a shortened version of what we usually train. People just getting in to foster care now have to take this 27 hour course called Pride before they can be licensed. But Pride wasn't always required, so after I'd had my license for about 2 years, it came along, and I had to take a 10 version of it. Basically, Pride is part of the movement to make foster care a team effort, get the foster parents working with birth parents, and making all of it a lot more open in the best interest of the children. This isn't the way it always was, and to be honest, when Pride came along, I wasn't real open to working with birth parents. I was afraid of them, afraid they'd find out where I live and harass or harm me. I still thought most of them were monsters and didn't always deserve a second or third chance to get their kids back. So Pride scared me. The Pride curriculum also bothered me because it includes videos with actors and scripts that did NOT give an accurate picture of what situations with foster children and social workers looked like. I scoffed at it.

Knowing how I felt when I took the class, I knew how these people would feel when they came into it and how they would feel when they left. But I also know, even though I was laughing at it when I left, it had planted seeds in my mind, and it wasn't long before I was blossoming as a Pride Foster Parent. I found that it wasn't scary to work with birth families and it was good to be part of a team rather than an island on my own. This is why I jumped on it when they approached me about becoming a trainer. I still laugh at the videos, but feel as though I have a voice in the class to be able to bring some reality to it when they watch the videos. So when I was training experienced foster parents last weekend, I hope I was able to break the ice by relating my own feelings about the videos, especially how I felt the first time I watched them. And in doing this, I saw these foster parents start to open up and warm to the ideals of Pride.

Now, the other challenge, that they were kinship providers, was a whole different thing. People who foster relatives tend to feel like they don't have to follow all the rules and policies of foster care because, hey, this is my niece or grandson. But the truth to that is, they are in the state's custody whether they live with grandma or me, and the state is liable either way, therefore, their rules abound. I didn't know how to poke through this wall at first. But finally, about 3 hours into it, I was trying to get a certain point across, and these words came out of my mouth, "I realize you are kinship, but these are the same kids I foster because if they don't go to you, they go to me. You have to see them the same way I do, they have the same issues and struggles my kids have." And people nodded, and their faces relaxed. I may have audibly sighed. Sometimes these types of epiphany statements come forth from my mouth when I least expect them, and always welcome them most!

In the end, it all turned out well. I made some new connections, and I may have even talked a few kinship providers in to changing their license to do general foster care as well. I hope so!

When Does Normal Interfere?

2007-03-29T08:41:00.000-06:00

OK, so I've talked about trying to makes the kids lives as normal as possible. Yesterday a new problem occurred with that. Is normal starting to interfere? Listen to this and tell me what you think:

Both 10 year olds have visits today, Cindy from 1-5, and Kristy from 3-5. In order to go to her visit, Cindy will have to miss both the cheer camp I have her in for Spring Break, and the water safety class. If Kristy goes to her visit, she'll miss water safety. Neither girl wants to miss either class. Cindy's mom doesn't even live here anymore, she moved about 6 hours north, and this will be their last visit for a while, but Cindy wants to give it up so she can go to the classes. Kristy begged her dad to let her miss their visit so she could go to her class. These classes, though only a week long, are interfering with the kids' time with their bio-families, and they don't care. The parents care...they don't like it. I probably wouldn't either. Their kids are choosing fun activities over seeing them. I can understand Kristy a little more because she will still see them next week, and she sees them 2 times per week plus two phone calls per week. But Cindy won't be seeing her mom again for a while, and she's losing her mom because of the termination.

Is giving them normal kid activities hindering progress with their families? What's the fair thing to do here? What's best?

Chlonodine

2007-03-27T08:16:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Annie got mad at Cindy, and jetted up the ladder to the top bunk where Cindy was making her bed, intending to physically beat her up. A few days ago, Annie was mad at Cindy before school, and waited until they got outside to head to school, and ran up and shoved her as hard as she could.

There have been a few times when Annie has gotten physically aggressive: she slammed a classmate's head in the door of the cafeteria because she wanted to be first in line and he already was. When she was younger she was real bad about biting and pulling hair (younger as in 3.) But that's about it. Mostly she's had her rages and I've been more worried about her inflicting harm to herself rather than to others.

Yesterday my mom was able to get things under control and bring Annie out of her rage by talking quietly and asking Annie questions so she had to talk too. (This is a new thing we've discovered that seems to be working "knock on wood".) But I don't know why all of a sudden Annie seems more physically aggressive. She is showing her anger towards others more rather than just having a rage while we sit and wonder why. I've really been trying to get her to understand that if she flies into a rage and doesn't talk about what's going on, we can't help her because we can't read her mind, and she is trying to be better about it. But this physical thing has got me more worried now.

About two months ago, we changed her medicine from Risperdal to Chlonodine. She was developing a facial tick, which can happen with these meds, and had to be switched. But now I'm wondering if this aggression is a side effect of the new med. It's kind of scary to see this sweet, tiny girl with so much potential turn into a bully. I don't want this to happen. I'm taking her back to the doctor to see if it could possibly be the chlonodine, and if so, what we can do to fix the problem. Have you ever dealt with this drug? If so, was this a side effect?

Something Normal?

2007-03-21T09:16:00.000-06:00

Part of my job as a foster parent is to try to give the kids as normal a life as possible within the restraints of department policy. One of the ways I do that by making sure the kids are involved in community activities. In our city we have a great soccer club that focuses on teaching the kids skills, and how to have fun with the game. It's a non-competitive club, so at the end of the year, they all participate in the tournament. They love it! And for kids like mine, it gives them a place where it's OK and appropriate for them to be aggressive!

Now tell me, do all soccer moms have this problem (and I use the term soccer mom loosely, it's not something I really ever aspired to be. My older daughters make fun of me for it!) I now have three kids in soccer. They are at different levels based on age, so they are on separate teams. Cindy has practice 2 times per week from 7-8 across town. Annie has practice those same two days per week from 5:30-6:30 here in our subdivision's park. My three year old, (this is his first season, and he's SO excited!) has practice on one of those two days at a park about a mile away from 6:00 to 6:30. Add to this feeding all of them dinner, picking them up from counseling on one of those days at 5:00 and from visitation on the other day at 5:00, and picking 2-year-old up from daycare before 5:30. On top of that, I work until 7:30 on one of those days and can only really offer my services to the chauffeuring on the other day. (I will pick Cindy up at 8:00 on both days.) My mom about lost her sanity yesterday. She couldn't work it out.

This is all doable. I had to sell my mom on the idea that the kids would have to be eating at different times on those two days, and that their dinners would have to be things like sandwiches and fruit and such easy, van friendly stuff. On the second of the two days per week, I can do most of the transport as I get off work between 5:00 and 5:15. My mom is still in a near panic. It gets harder and harder for her to deal with this kind of stuff as she gets older, and in a lot of ways sicker. The meds are taking a toll on her mind and body. Everything turns into a stress for her, and she was very grumpy this morning about the whole dinner thing.

The summer is kind of the same. We enroll the kids in day camp at a local facility, but also in swim lessons. The swim lessons are for 2 weeks, and usually in the morning, so they go there before going to the camp. This one deviation throws her. The kids love it, and they are becoming strong swimmers! I think it's important for them to have this because it is a normal activity in the lives of children, and it allows them to be children. I wish I could make it easier on my mom somehow. But I don't know how, because it isn't a difficult thing, it's just that she is so easily stressed.

My kids have a lot of other stuff going on in their lives. They have PSR workers, counselors, visitations, often more doctors appointments than most kids. Those things make them different, and make them be less like kids and more like little adults. I really feel things like day camp, soccer, swim lessons, church camp, cheer camp, etc. make them feel more like the kids they go to school with. They can share stories about their kid activities with their friends instead of explaining what a PSR worker is. They can talk about their pretty new pink and purple soccer balls instead of their visit with their case worker.

So the main question here is this: while I'm trying to make their lives more normalized am I making mine less normal than the average mom? And is getting them involved with "normal" activities really normalizing their lives or just making them overwhelmed with busy schedules? Do I draw a line? And if so, where?

I Have a Beautiful Family

2007-03-15T12:43:00.000-06:00

My brother was here last night. He'd flown in on business and had time to spend with my family for dinner and a movie. I got home from work to find my lovely children playing in the backyard, my mom cooking dinner, and my brother doing little handy-man odd jobs for her. The air was warm and Spring-like, and everything felt fresh and happy. When we sat down for dinner, the kids were happy and chatty, and enjoying the interaction with Uncle Shawn. And I have to say, he was enjoying it as well. The boys were both on good behavior, not out of control. Annie didn't have any fits. It was so nice. I looked around the table and saw a beautiful family, eating together and loving each other.

Last night made all the challenging moments in our lives worth it. I couldn't ask for a better family than the one I have and wouldn't change it for anything. I hope you have moments like this too, moments that remind you what you have in life! Have a great day!!

Kids Making Adult Decisions

2007-03-14T09:37:00.000-06:00

Imagine what it must be like to have to make adult decisions at the age of 10. Cindy is sort of going through that right now. The department is beginning the process to terminate her parents' rights, and she has to decide what she wants for her future. Gosh, when I was 10 I think my toughest decision was picking a new for my new guinea pig.

This is the way it will go...if her mom fights the termination, which there is a question whether she will or not, it could take 2-3 years before Cindy is free for adoption. At that point she will be 13-14 years old, and has a say in whether or not she is adopted. If her mom doesn't fight the termination, she'll be free for adoption in just a few months, and will only be 11 years old. If that happens, she will have no say in whether or not she is adopted, they will be actively looking for a home for her. Then she has to choose whether or not she wants me to adopt her, or if she wants to find another family for adoption. Right now she can't get past the thought that she doesn't want to be adopted at all.

I agree with her, I don't think she should be adopted. She'd be better off staying in foster care long term and getting into Casey Family Programs. Why do I feel this way? Well, she has a strong relationship with her mom, and the reason for her being in care is not one of physical abuse. You'd have to probably know her to understand why I feel like I do, but I think she needs to be allowed to retain her relationship with her mom. Don't get me wrong, I also feel her mom's rights need to be terminated...her mom can't make good and healthy decisions for Cindy. The chances are better that if she gets adopted she won't be allowed to have a relationship with her mom anymore. First, there is no legal open adoption in Idaho, and second, kids in Idaho, for whatever reason, tend to be adopted by families on the East Coast.

If Cindy were to go into Casey, they would provide her with wonderful opportunities for her future as far as schooling and independent living. Also, while in care, she'd have better resources to be able to have a more normalized life than kids in State care with more limited resources. Casey would nurture her relationship with her mom, while providing a shield, so to speak, for us to keep her mom from harassing us with phone calls. And Cindy would be able to stay with us.

I know I said earlier that Cindy will have to decide if she wants me to adopt her or not, but I need to figure that out too. Right now I'm leaning towards no, I don't want to adopt her. This is hard enough for me to deal with. How can we expect a 10 year old girl, who really only has the maturity of 7 or 8 year old girl, to deal with this, and make these decisions. My hope, really, is that her mom fights this so it does drag on, giving Cindy time to mature, and get to a point when she'll be allowed to decide if she even gets adopted. Like I said, right now she can't get past the thought that she doesn't want ANYONE to adopt her. I wish the department would consider that it might be the best decision for her!!

My Urban Zoo

2007-03-13T08:39:00.000-06:00

Have you been there?

I'm a guest on My Urban Zoo this week, and I'm so happy to be. It's my first appearance on another blog, and I'm so excited about it, and of course, it's been so busy this week I haven't even been on to post anything since I was accepted. Please visit my host!

We had two new angels come in to the house recently, sisters 10 and 2. They've been quite a handful, and I can't really discuss their circumstances, but I can discuss my experiences with them. They both have some mighty powerful survival skills going, and the chaos in my house has gone up a few notches!! Then, yesterday, the judge sent the 2 year old home and kept the 10 year old in care. I can't really explain why they do stuff like that except that the abuse issues were only with the 10 year old and her older sister (who is in another foster home.)

I'm going to call her Kristy. She is smart, and savvy. She can also lie and manipulate with the best of them. In the short time she's been with us, she's already figured out how to push Annie's buttons just right to get her going into a full-fledged rage. In fact, Annie was late for school yesterday because she was going off and couldn't stop. Kristy managed to get her going before she left for school. This kind of thing is a challenge because she isn't necessarily doing it because she's cruel or hates Annie, but because she is upset with her own situation. But just because it isn't actions to be cruel doesn't mean it doesn't warrant consequences, right? Manipulation is the hardest behavior to discipline because it isn't out there in the open where everyone can see it, and it often comes down to her word against hers. My problem is, I have three little girls sharing a room who are all liars most of the time, and it makes it hard to decide who's telling the truth in certain situations. I need a lie detector machine in my house!!

I had a friend in Albuquerque who had the perfect setup. When she was sure one of her kids was lying, she would say, "Let me smell your hands." She would sniff them, then say, "OK, I know who is lying now, you better fess up if you don't want to get in more trouble." And they would. She told me when they were little, one stole some bubble gum from his cousin, and his hand smelled like the gum, so she knew he'd done it. Her son didn't realize that's how she knew, he just thought she could truly smell it is he was lying. I don't know if that still works for her now that her kids are in high school, but I always thought that was so ingenious. My trouble is that, even when I try something like that, they keep lying.

My kids are different in that they have brain damage. So the thinking synapses have kinks in them and sometimes short out. One time, I watched Annie go into the kitchen, open the pantry door and take some Halloween candy out of the bowl. (We hadn't had a chance to give it away yet.) She turned around and about jumped out of her skin when she saw me standing there. Then she looked at me, rolled her eyes, shrugged her shoulders, and in a high-pitched attitudy voice said "WHAT?!" I looked at her little 7 year old self and said, "You need to put the candy pack and go to your room." Of course, she said, "I didn't take any candy." (It was still in her hand.) I pointed at the candy in her hand. She started stomping and whining, threw the candy down and yelled all the way to her room that she didn't take any candy. So, caught red-handed, the evidence still in her hand, and she couldn't be honest, she kept insisting she never took any candy.

Talk about a zoo!!

Coming Out of the Fog

2007-03-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

The last time I posted was on Allee's birthday. It's been 2 1/2 years since she left, and no date in all that time has affected me like her birthday this year did. I can't really tell you why. I don't know if it was because she turned 21, and we'd had plans for what we were going to do together for her 21st birthday. It could just be that something inside my brain finally clicked and realized she's gone and probably never coming back. With all the training I get for being a foster parent, and for all the experiences we go through with our kids, I don't think anything can prepare you for this kind of thing. You can talk about it all you want. And it's no different than if it were to happen to someone with their own biological kid. Allee became a part of me in the short time she lived with me, and I embraced her whole-heartedly. When she left, she left a huge emptiness in me.

Sometimes I joke that I've developed attachment disorder from everything I've been through with the kids. I'm becoming more and more like them. But the reality is, I've learned not to trust, and not to get attached, and these are the very premises of attachment disorder. I had a teenage girl living with me last summer who was sweet and cute and full of energy and love. Her situation wasn't what most of these kids are going through, and she went home to her parents at the end of the summer. She visits often, and is doing well. From the first day she walked through my door she reminded me of Allee and Cami, and I put up a wall. I wasn't cold to her, or stand-offish, but I refused to attach, make a bond. I didn't cry when she went home, I hugged her and wished her luck. I am happy to see her and talk to her now, but I refused to let myself get involved with her like I did the other girls. I didn't want to be hurt again.

I spend so much time learning how to help the kids, and trying to help them, and I'm forgetting to learn how to help me. How do I protect myself but still give the kids everything they need? This may be a new issue to study and find a solution for. As foster parents, we need to find that happy medium where we can still give of ourselves, but still protect ourselves so we don't become cold or burn out. Wish me luck!

Happy Birthday Allee!

2007-02-15T08:54:00.001-07:00

Today is Allee's birthday. She's my oldest daughter, and is 21 today. I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. The last time she was at my house, she robbed it. Besides the stuff she took that she could get money for, she also took some very sentimental things. She took all my pictures of her off the walls. It was like she was trying to erase herself from my life. But I still carry her love notes in my purse, and her memory in my heart. I miss Allee so much it hurts. I would give anything to have her back.

Allee, if you happen upon this, please know that I love you. You have a place always in my heart and soul. I hope you are well, and happy, and that some day you'll come home.
Love always,
mom

My Birthday:

Your Birthdate: November 11

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world.
You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.
Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.
Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done.

Your strength: Your inner peace

Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds

Your power color: Emerald

Your power symbol: Leaf

Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Allee's Birthday:

Your Birthdate: February 15

You take life as it is, and you find happiness in a variety of things.
You tend to be close to family and friends. But it's hard to get into your inner circle.
Making the little things wonderful is important to you, and you probably have an inviting home.
You seek harmony with others, but occasionally you have a very stubborn streak.

Your strength: Your intense optimism

Your weakness: You shy away from exploring your talents

Your power color: Jade

Your power symbol: Flower

Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I Wish There Were Another Way

2007-02-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

But I Don't Know What Else to Do...

Annie started developing a facial tick. At first, I thought it was due to allergies because it involved her nose. If you told her to stop, she would. It's been going on for quite a while actually. And the poor kid, I didn't know it was a side effect of her medicine, Risperdone. I kept telling her to go blow her nose. Then when we were at the doc to evaluate we found out it was from the medicine.

We took her off the Risperdone. The doc wanted to see how she'd do with no meds before we tried something new. Oh my. Looking back at how she was when we started putting her on meds a few years ago, I saw her go back to the same irradict behavior over night. It is constant, and there is nothing to say or do to make it stop. She's irrational, and snaps instantly. She's much more moody and sensitive, and goes from happy to raging in the blink of an eye. It makes me wonder how we would have survived if they had not convinced me to try her on meds in the first place. Seeing this now, it makes me feel like we've been living in a dream world.

So the doc is going to have to try a new med for her. I don't know yet what it will be. I just think it's such a sad world where we have little kids on meds just so they can get through the day. Getting through a whole life takes counseling, constant supervision, and probably never really having true independence. If only her birth mother could understand what those drinks she had during pregnancy did to this beautiful little girl! People who drink or use drugs of any sort should have to face some sort of charges for the damage they are doing to these precious little people. It just makes you want to cry!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Loss and Grief

2007-01-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

I'm Scared of Session 4!

I moonlight on some Thursdays. My boss knows about it, so I'm OK there. I spend those Thursdays with people who think they want to be foster parents, teaching them about what their job will entail and what to expect. It's really a good introductory course to foster care. It's very general and covers a lot of ground...well, skims a lot of ground. Of course, you actually learn the most about foster care while doing foster care, as with most anything.

So there's one session in the course during which we talk about loss and grief. We talk about all the different kinds of loss people endure during the course of their lives - expected losses, unexpected losses - that sort of thing. We also discuss grief and reactions to loss. This, of course, leads into the kinds of loss and grief they will be seeing and experiencing as a foster or adoptive parent.

Now, I am not the only foster parent who helps teach this course. There are about 5 of us, and we switch it around each round as to who teaches which session. But I've somehow had the grief and loss session for the last two rounds. (And will have it again in the coming round.) The day after teaching that session the first of those two rounds, I lost my last pair of jeans to an untimely tear in the knee. I shared this loss with my class, it was a nice comic relief.

So two weeks ago I taught that same session. The next day, my family and I were leaving the house, and my dog got out the front door and jetted into the street just as a truck came around the corner. Three of my children, one of their friends, my mom and I watched and screamed as we watched Louie Lobo get hit in front of our house. Luckily, he was relatively unharmed. He scraped his front left wrist but is otherwise OK. But I don't think the rest of us are. My three year old talks about it constantly, and the two older girls are much more careful when they open the front door now. I had a lot of trouble functioning the rest of the day, but am doing better now. I do notice that Louie is much more wary of the front door. But I attribute it to the class.

Now I'm afraid to teach that session again. I have superstitious tendencies (like the 49ers have had nothing but horrible seasons since I lost my lucky Niners t-shirt the day after Steve Young played his last game on that fateful day in Arizona with me sitting in the stands. If only I could find that t-shirt!) If I teach that session again, what will I lose this time?

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

How Does it Look on Me?

2007-01-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

I don't usually think pink, but...

I had to change my template. I had never switched over when Blogger went Beta, and since then my blog has been bogged down! Anyway, I hope now that I've switched it won't be so slow. Pink is not my favorite color, but the choices of templates leave a whole lot to be desired, and I don't have money to spend on having some really cool computer person out there design a super cool template for me. So I hope my stories are enough for you to enjoy!!

This is all I'm writing today. Remind me to talk about meds tomorrow!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Not for Your Ears...

2007-01-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

Q-TIP

It's all the rage. It's come up in a couple of different trainings I've been to this year for foster parenting. It's called Q-Tip, and it means "Quit Taking it Personally." It's hard not to, you know. You can understand that behaviour is a reaction to something completely unrelated, it's often the only way a child may know how to get certain needs met, it is the symptom of something much larger. But knowing that doesn't make the days in and days out of outrageous behaviour any easier to take.

I know, from the little bit of research I've done on what exposure to drugs and alcohol in the womb does as far as physical brain damage, and damage to other organs, that some of these behaviours will never get better. I also know that they don't necessarily have anything to do with me. But I'm the one they are often directed towards because I'm the one still standing there when everyone else is gone, and I don't have 10-inch steel plated emotional armor. And after 6 years, I was beginning to take it very personally. How could I not? Again, find me someone who does what I do who says they never take it personally, and I'll show you a liar. We're all human.

So why am I still standing? I have to say, I was coming to my whits end! I scoffed at those social workers who kept saying Q-Tip...what did they know, they don't live with the kids. They just see them here and there once in a while for a few minutes, right? I'm still standing because even though it all feels very personal, I still love them. Instead of giving up, I go back to the computer and do more research. I look for ways to deal with behaviour, to help them change it, to get to the root of it. But if you went to any of the links I posted in my post about FAE and FAS, you'll see that it's near impossible to change a lot of the behaviours that are making me tear my hair out.

My new mantra: Q-Tip. I walk around saying it. I say it to Granny a lot. I keep thinking if I say it enough, it'll get easier to do. Then I found FASlink. These are people who are raising kids they've adopted who are FASD, or people who are themselves FASD. This is where I'm finding my strength and ability to Q-Tip. Just reading their stories and knowing they go through the same things helps. What really helps is learning that all the behaviours are normal for kids with this affliction, and so it can't be personal. Annie isn't hating me or manipulating me, she does love me, and may never know how best to show that or express that. I need to just get over it and make sure she always know how much I love her. That I'd give my life for her.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Charter School vs. Regular Public School

2007-01-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

Learning Through the Arts

I've been thinking about it for two years now, and I've finally decided. We have a couple different charter schools in our area, and one focuses on learning through the arts. All kinds of arts. At first I wasn't sure if this would be a good idea, especially for Annie. I wasn't sure how much structure there would be at the school. Annie, having FAE, needs structure! She needs a routine, she needs to know what to expect. My fear has been that she wouldn't get that at the charter school.

So I'd made up my mind that they wouldn't go. Then this school year started, and Annie and Cindy started off by getting detention for throwing rocks on their way to school. They've had a few mishaps since, and so I changed my mind, I was switching their school next year. Plus, Cindy will be in 6th grade next year, which is Middle School for the regular public schools. Cindy is tiny, she has maturity issues, and I've been in fear for her to be going to middle school already. At the charter school 6th graders are still with the elementary, and I think she needs one more year of elementary. That did it, I was switching them.

Then Annie had her birthday party. Seeing her with all her friends...I couldn't do it. How could I take her from them. Thinking about it broke my heart. So that was it. I wasn't going to do it.

Then Angel, my best friend, came along. In our conversation she sounded more like me talking to her. If they go to the charter school:

They don't have to switch schools to go to middle and high school.
It won't matter where we buy our next home, they can stay at the charter school.
It would be better to switch Annie while she's this young than decide to do it later.
Annie makes friends easily, she'll be fine.
Cindy will benefit more from the charter school than the gang ridden middle school.
Both girls are artistic, and love to sing and dance.
Their soccer club is not through the school, their swimming, and gymnastics are not through the school, and their cheer leading program is not through the school, so sports will not be affected.
If you don't move them these problems arise: jealousy because Cindy will start riding the bus and Annie won't, jealousy because Cindy will leave earlier than Annie, jealousy because Cindy will get home and be done with homework hour before Annie gets home

For those of you saying big deal to the jealousy thing...you've never seen an FAE rage!! It's worth changing schools for the jealousy issues alone. So now I've decided to switch them. I talked to them about it to see what they thought. They were both so excited I thought they were going to pee!! I got the applications and filled them out and sent them in. Now we just have to wait until April when they have the lottery, and hope the girls get in to the school. Of course, if they don't get in, now that they're so excited about it, I get to deal with that rage anyway.

There was something else that made me decide to go ahead and try the charter school. I have a few friends whose kids go there. These friends are people who have kids with the same afflictions mine have. They have told me that the structure there is actually better than what they were getting in regular public school, and behavior problems have declined. All these other kiddos are doing great, and they love going there. It was actually this testimony that clinched it for me.

And bonus, school clothes shopping will be a breeze, they have a uniform of sorts. Only solid color Polo's and sweaters, and only khaki bottoms, no cargo pants. YIPPEE!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

"Stop and think. If you're pregnant, don't drink."

2007-01-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

There's So Much to Know About Fetal Alcohol Effects!

My Annie is fetal alcohol effected. Her birth mom drank, though won't admit it openly, during pregnancy, and Annie will have to pay for her birth mom's actions the rest of her life. My challenge is raising her. I already love her, that part was easy. But the damage alcohol has done to her brain, irreversable damage, not to mention to other organs in her little body, makes day to day living traumatically difficult for her, and everyone who loves her. I think my biggest challenge in being her mom is going to be never giving up, getting past feelings of failure, and remaining open minded and aware. Every so often I research our affliction and find more and more information to ponder. Today I was going to write an article full of this research for you to read, but changed my mind. The amount of information out there to share is immense, and really, I'd rather give you links to go to yourself rather than try to condense the information into a smallish blog posting. Besides, as always happens when I start reading the articles, I get so overwhelmed and caught up in thinking about our own current issues and finding helps from other people who've experienced this that I can't really write a non-biased or non-incident specific article.

Try Family Village Library, or this overview, or the FASD Center, or for some great articles, the FAS/E Support Network of B.C. *Just added: this sight lets you see some of the physical facial anomolies of people with FAS. And I found a community of people who are raising, or have raised children or are afflicted with FAS/E called FASlink.

I've told you some about Annie. When I read these articles, it's like I am reading about her life. The sad thing is, she's never been diagnosed with fetal alcohol effects. Her counselor feels as strongly as I do based on all her behaviors and symptoms, but her birth mom denies any kind of drug or alcohol use, and Health and Welfare won't have any extensive testing done to diagnose it.

Fortunately for her, she does do well in school. She is effected, not syndrome, so she won't have all the severe attributes of FAS, but most times, and as we've seen with her, effected children (FAE) do have severe problems. While her IQ isn't necessarily low, her impulse control is non-existent. She understands time-concepts, but still expects everything to be in the here and now, more so than you would expect from a child her age. She can't relate one situation to another in order to make good choices. In one article I read they talked about how these children (and adults) will see the first possible solution to a problem as the ONLY possible solution, and they won't connect the solution to one problem to another problem. So, for example, Annie knows that if someone steps on her toe, then says they are sorry, but come back and do it again and say sorry again, she can't trust that they won't do it again. But she can't relate that to the fact that she will do something over and over again and say sorry every time, but I don't trust her sorry anymore. To her, she really is sorry, but in 10 minutes she either won't remember what just happened, or she won't be able to control her impulse to do it again. People with this affliction have trouble learning abstract concepts and connecting one lesson to another situation. So, even though they've learned that a shot gun is dangerous, they won't make the connection that a hand gun is dangerous as well. That may seem far-fetched or simplistic, but after living with Annie for the past 5 1/2 years, I can tell you that it's right on.

I believe the hardest part about being Annie's mom is staying focused on her reality and not feeling defeated. And nobody is perfect. If someone tried to tell me they raised kids with FAE, or any other drug exposure, and they never felt defeated, worn out, or unsure of their abilities to do this, I'd say they were lying. They wouldn't be human. My kids are 24-hours a day exhausting. If one isn't raging, another one is. Most of them are on sleeping meds just to get 6 hours of sleep if that, so my house is rarely quiet. I can count on one hand the number of times in the last 5 years that I've gotten home from work or school to find that nobody has been in trouble or thrown a tantrum. That in itself is exhausting.

Why do I write all this? Because I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything. I've committed, and am in this for life. But I'm always looking for suggestions. I can always make time to listen if someone has found ways to get through specific behaviours. I'm looking for others who I can compare experiences with who might be able to give me insight or to whom I might be able to give some encouragement. And of course, though I talk of all the energy it takes to do this, I also hope I can encourage others to give of themselves and become foster parents or help people around them who foster.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Sadness in Their Eyes

2007-01-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

And Disappointment on Their Faces...

As a foster parent, when is it our place to delve out information? It depends on what the information is really. And sometimes even who the case manager is. But generally, it is often what you're comfortable with. But there are times it is so hard. Like when we had Stacie, I've told you some about her. She would go through cycles of being OK with where she was at and being so sure she was going home soon. After two years, and knowing with all certainty that she would be aging out in our home, it got too hard to hear her talking about being home by Christmas. I felt like she was only making things harder on herself, that the disappointment that she wasn't home was all the more crushing when she still found herself with us after Christmas. At the time, I didn't feel like it was my place to feed her a plate of reality, that it was her mother's place, and her case manager's place. But they weren't a big help, and I was the one who had to get her through the disappointment each time.

Finally, I got Health and Welfare and her counselor to set up a meeting with her and us and them to talk about her case. If you never thought you could actually feel heartache, I'm here to tell you that you can. It was like having everyone in one room talking about her not going home finally made her have to accept that it was true. The fall of her face, and the life that left her eyes at that moment of realization was almost too much for me! But in the end, it was the best thing we could do for her because she was finally able to move on and stop focusing her energy on something that just wasn't going to happen.

Since then I've become better able to handle my own emotions when it comes to this sort of stuff. But it still is hard to do. Cindy is a lot like Stacie in so many ways. And this is one of those ways. We all know now that she's not going back to her mom, and we know there is no relative to place her with. I've already been asked if I will be willing to keep her until she ages out. And she does know all this, her case manager has discussed it with her, her counselor has talked about it with her. But at their visits, her mom keeps talking to her about when she comes home. And of course, she listens to her mom over everyone else, she's a kid! And you're supposed to be able to trust your mom, no matter what's happened in the past.

But I don't want to see her go through the hills and valleys of emotion that Stacie went through, and I have learned some finesse when being blunt. Last night Cindy was talking about the new bird her mom said she was going to get her. She kept going on and on about it with so much excitement. All I could see was another opportunity for heartbreak in the future. I had to consider that stopping the fantasy now would be better than letting it build and build until it was so big she'd break something in the fall when it all came crashing down. So I stepped in here. OK, I say I've learned some finesse, but I'm not sure I've learned as much as I need. I'm only doing my best here.
I said, "I'm sorry, Cindy, I don't understand. You keep saying you're getting this new pet, but how is it yours if you aren't living with it?"
She gave me a look (mean) and said, "My mom is getting it for me, it'll be mine."
I said, "But you're not going to be living with your mom again, you're going to live here, and we can't have birds here."
She said, "But my mom said I would go live with Aunt ____ if I didn't go home."
Granny said, "But your case worker and counselor have both talked to you and you know that isn't true, right?"
She said, "Yes." And that's when her face fell and my heart broke again. It was Stacie all over. I said, "They've already asked me to keep you here, you're going to grow up with us, and still see and talk to your mom at visits and on the phone. But she can't take care of you, so we're going to do that for her."
Then she surprised me with, "Then can I get a fish?"
She was teary eyed, but non of the tears fell. She perked back up when we talked about getting a fish. I know this isn't the end of it, but I do think it helps them dispel the fantasy when we talk about it with them, let them know we know the reality, and that they are OK here even though they can't be with their parents. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself and living in my own fantasy that everything will be OK now that we've acknowledged the truth of the situation. I will do my best to be a positive in her life while helping her keep her relationship with her mom a positive too. God help me!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Happy New Year! 2007

2007-01-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

I Guess I Have to Put Away the Holidays Again...

I love the holidays, but I hate the New Year. Why? Because it seems depressing to put away all the holiday cheer and go back to normal life. So anyway, I guess I'll stop asking for donations for the Giving Tree since it's over now. What's the new focus you ask?

If the case worker with get with the program, Annie will be adopted this Spring. That means I'll no longer be buying her clothes with vouchers, and we'll be able to go where ever we want. I've always supplemented her wardrobe with items I'd buy here and there if I found cute stuff on sale somewhere that didn't take vouchers, but we always bought the bulk of her clothes with vouchers at the few stores who will take them. So I decided I should take this thought and make something special out of it.

I want to take her on a shopping trip. My family used to live in Spokane, WA, and there are places there which hold special memories for me. I've taken her there once, but she was quite a bit younger, and doesn't really remember the trip. I would love to take her there next summer, in August, and show her the sights. I want to make it a fun trip so she can get to know the place that is very special in my memories. And I thought, while we're there, why not shop for school clothes? Wouldn't that be new and exciting? I think so.

Now here's the next thing to consider. Obviously I can't take the whole family. But Granny wants to go and revisit the sights too. And, well, Cindy is definitely going to be with us until she's 18, and I've talked to Casey Family Programs about getting her into their program, which they want to do. If they do that, again, we won't be using clothing vouchers anymore. With them, we shop and they reimburse. So she could shop in Spokane too. Does that take away from the specialness for Annie? I don't know, but I thought she'd have more fun with another kiddo along to play with. So it could be a girls' shopping weekend...what do you think? Will it be quality mother-daughter-granny time or should I start thinking in a different direction?

Oh, by the way, I am finally able to get my home study updated for my 3 year-old's adoption. Did I tell you? So we can finally move forward with that one too. I don't know exactly yet how to pay all the lawyer fees, so far blogging for them hasn't yielded much of anything. And I never heard back from the National Adoption Foundation about the grant they offer. I'm thinking of applying to that again. I want to get this done! I told you she took him for Christmas. Well, she was supposed to have him home early afternoon on Christmas. We called her at noon and they were all still asleep. (They had a 5 hour drive to get him home.) Then we talked to her again at 2 and she said her car wouldn't start, so she wouldn't be bringing him home that day. I kind of started to panic that she was changing her mind. But he got home the next night around 5, and we haven't heard from her since. I want this thing done so this can't happen again. I want to be able to say, "I'm sorry, that won't work for us, but we can do this instead," rather than walk on eggshells like we do right now. You know, I'll still take donations to help get this done if you're so inclined! :-) I'm nervous.

Well, I've got to end this. My New Year's Resolution: Write a book. I got an idea in November, and wrote it down along with a couple opening paragraphs. I need to develop it. I think it could be good. If only I could ever finish anything I started!!!!! (Give me a push.)

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Now She Wants Him for Christmas

2006-12-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

Where Do I Draw the Line?

Let me explain a little to you about what my 3-year-old means to me. I tried for years to have a baby and couldn't. I was one of those rare statistics who would never have my own children. Then I started doing foster care, and hoping to adopt one day. Well, in foster care, you can't hope for a baby. You almost never get to have a newborn, or near newborn, and keep them long enough to adopt. They usually go home. The ones you'll be able to adopt will be older than 5 years old 90% of the time.

I was resigned to this. I was OK with this. I'd learned to handle my own inability, and I'd learned that you can love a child just as much when you first meet them at age 2 or 4 or 15 as you do when you bond with them at birth. When the social worker called me that fateful morning, September 3rd, 2003, and asked if I'd take a newborn baby born addicted to meth, I was pretty excited. They NEVER called me with newborns. Of course I'd take him. She told us he had an older brother who lived with his grandmother (who was not this child's grandmother), and that it looked like they were going to terminate the mom's rights because she'd never done anything to get the older brother back. Wow. Now, of course, no promises. These cases take twists and turns and take you down roads you didn't even know existed, and almost never turn out like everyone expected them to.

This was one of those cases. Two years, to the day, later, mom got both boys back. She'd had another baby by now, but had given that one up for adoption. During this time, we'd worked with her a lot, so we have a good relationship with her, and she promised to never take him from our lives. And she didn't. In fact, two weeks after she got custody and the state vacated the case, he was back at our house. He was there for a "visit". Well, the visits were getting longer and longer, and his time home with mom and brother shorter and shorter. Brother wasn't even there most of the time, he was sent to his other grandmother to live. It was becoming more and more apparent that mom couldn't really handle being a mom. She was more like an aunt. Then she had her fourth baby, and decided to raise this one with it's father. But that only lasted a few months. And on my baby's 3rd birthday, she asked me to adopt him.

She has a hard time handling day to day life and staying sober, and finally realized she couldn't do all that and raise three children...or even one child. So she's giving them all up. I'm trying to get the funds together to get my home study updated so I can get the ball rolling on adopting my baby. It's slow going, I can't quite do it yet. So right now he lives with me, but there's no legal arrangement, and mom still has all legal rights and custody. It hasn't been too bad yet, and I have no problem keeping this open and letting her spend some time with him. But now I have a problem. In all his three years, mom has NEVER spent Christmas with him. She's had the opportunity for the last two years, but didn't want to. She called the other day and TOLD us she was taking him from the 22nd to the 25th out of town to spend Christmas with her mom. WHAT? I can't do anything. I don't have any legal rights yet. I tried to win the lottery a few months ago so I could get this adoption done, but that fell through. She doesn't understand that we have always been his family, and always will be, and he's already looking forward to seeing all his cousins and aunts and uncles, and now he won't get to see them. There's nothing I can do about it. Please pray for my baby.

Merry Christmas to everyone!! Don't forget to donate, it's never too late!!

What's the Worst thing about Doing Foster Care?

2006-12-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

If Someone Asked, I'd Have to Say...

The thing is, there are things that get to you, wear you down, burn you out, but if you're doing it for the right reasons, there's not a whole lot I'd say I DON'T like about doing foster care. But there is one thing that, if I didn't have to deal with it, all the rest would be a party. You're wondering what that one thing is that is so awful? One of the social workers I used to work pretty closely with called it Livestock. That's a good word, because just the mention of it doesn't make you itch. Have you figured it out yet? LICE...Head Lice. It is by far the absolute worst part of doing foster care!!!!!!

I'm sure part of my problem is that I already have a real phobia about creepy crawlies, moths, even lady bugs. Butterflies are only beautiful from afar for me. Even birds are a little creepy to me. So the very thought of tiny little ickies all over your head just about make me vomit. We don't get it too often, but often enough that it's got me squirming. And it's near impossible to get rid of. The summer Annie was three, her birth mom finally decided to show up at some of the visits. The first time she did, she brought a brush from home and played with Annie's hair. All of a sudden Annie had lice. We spent the whole summer fighting it. Every time we'd just about get it under control, birth mom would bring in the brush again. We begged the case manager not to let her keep doing this, but it took several visits, like 3 months worth, to convince the case manager that that was where the Livestock was coming from. In the meantime, several other members in my house had to be treated...including ME!

EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Never in my life had I ever had livestock in my hair. Never in my life had I ever known anyone who had. It was disgusting. I wanted to shave my head!! Just the thought makes me itch. Since then we've only had two others come in with it. One was a little three year old girl we had for about six months a few years ago, and the other is the five year old we have now. Actually, this one didn't come in with it, she picked it up from her visit. That's the worst kind cuz even when you get rid of it finally, they just get it again the next time they see the family. I want to shave her head so we don't have the mess any more.

OK, writing about this is making me itch. If any of you know any good remedies for this that I haven't tried, let me know, please!! We've used NIX, RID, mayonnaise, olive oil, tea tree oil...I'd use Pennzoil if I thought it would help!!

Well, that was a nice holiday topic. Sorry, it's just on my mind. Hope I didn't creep you out as much as I creeped myself out. Now think of candy canes and gingerbread, and how you could help poor foster children have happy Christmas memories too...
Time for the spiel...give of your heart, give to the Giving Tree to help give foster children a wonderful Christmas! We really need your help!! Thank you for your support!

I'm Crying Because I'm Happy

2006-12-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

Are you for Real?

OK, you see it in movies, and maybe I've seen one or two people in my life cry because they were happy, but you have to hear this. Last night was Cindy's school Christmas program. I had to work, so poor Granny had to take all the kids by herself. She asked Annie to be a big girl and be a help with all the little kids, and auto response Annie said her usual, "OK." But while they were there, she was fidgety, she was loud, she was whiny, she took off running in the lobby. She was actually the worst one of the bunch for my mom last night. When they got home, instead of getting ready for bed and minding, she stood in the middle of her room and nagged at each of the other girls as the came in. Then, 5-year-old made a face and "nah-nah-nah" at her and she started screaming. Yes, screaming, no exaggeration. This get so hard to take some times!

So I'm in there, having another calm-voiced, one-sided conversation about why are we doing this again. I tell her, "5-year-old doesn't care about any of us, she's only here a short while, and you know this, but you take it so personally when she does this. Yet, we are your family and love you more than anyone else could and you give us nothing but grief. In a few weeks you'll be 8, but tonight you acted out worse than the 2, 3, 4, & 5 year olds. What's going on, why can't we improve the behaviour instead of it always being the same?" (Word of a frustrated, ready to tear her hair out mom.) Annie starts crying. "Why are you crying? You're not even in trouble, I just want to know why the behaviour never changes." "I"m happy! I'm crying because I'm happy." I was floored. What do I do with that? She said it always made her so happy to hear me say how much I love her. Somebody help me, I don't get it. I said, if you're so happy that we love you so much, why can't you give some of it back by having better behaviour? Shoulder shrug...typical. Somebody tell me again why I chose to parent kids with problems, sometimes I just need to hear that I'm doing the right thing here.

Moving on...I told you we would get another one before Christmas. You notice above I made mention of a 4 year old. She came to us last week. She's so cute and sweet, and needs so much. She's the same size as 3-year-old. You can't understand a word she says. She's mostly potty trained, but not entirely. I think I already love her. I need to call the school district and get her and 5-year-old evaluated, see if they qualify for the special pre-school cuz neither of them will be ready for kindergarten next year, and they are both supposed to be starting.

OK, time for the spiel...give of your heart, give to the Giving Tree to help give foster children a wonderful Christmas! We really need your help!! Thank you for your support!

Politically Correct Gone Too Far...

2006-12-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

What Kind of Rice????

OK, I have to tell you this story. I was lying on the sofa last week recovering from surgery (none too well) and listening to the dinner conversation going on in the next room. I hadn't laughed much all week because I'd been pretty sick. (I had some complications after surgery.) The family was having lasagna (2-year-old's favorite, he could eat his weight in it!) and 17-year-old said, "Granny, you know what sounds good?" "What?" "Mexican lasagna." This is a little dish my mom sort of made up one night when we were trying to think of something to eat, inexpensive, but different...and NOT hot dogs and mac & cheese! It's kind of just a flat taco casserole, but using flour tortillas rather than corn. But it's pretty good, and the kids love it. So I was sitting there, thinking, ya, that might be good in a few days when I'm more on the mend.

Then Cindy pipes in. Now, I have to tell you, she sometimes says very odd things, inappropriate things, things out of the blue that don't pertain...but this time it was just funny! She said, "YA, and some HISPANIC rice." I couldn't help it, I just started laughing, then she said, "well, and some English rice too." I could hear my mom trying not to laugh at her, but Annie lost it. My mom finally said, "You mean Spanish rice and white rice?" Poor Cindy, she was only trying to be racially sensitive. You gotta love 10-year-olds!

So anyway, I got a staph infection after my surgery, so I spent most of last week still down rather than building myself back up to be ready for work this week. My first day back was surprisingly exhausting, but today was better. Luckily, I only work this week and next, and then we are closed fora week and a half. (Plus, I work Monday through Thursday, so I still get my 3-day weekends each week til then!) I should be doing fine by the holidays when everyone is here.

OH GUESS WHAT!!!!!

We heard from Kneesaa last night, and they are moving back to Idaho!! I'm so happy, and now I can watch my grandson grow up! I guess both Kneesaa and her husband finally figured out that they are unhappy on the East Coast and will be moving back in February! I'm so glad. It's hard to be a controlling mother and doting Ya Ya (Greek for grandma) when the people you want to control and dote on live thousands of miles away!! :-) Besides, I'm just not comfortable having the people I love so much live so far away. And this is all about me you know!!

OK, I'll leave you now. Remember, the foster kids are counting on your donations to give them a wonderful Christmas! Donate to my site today and all the money will go to the Giving Tree!!

Haven't Been Writing Much Lately

2006-11-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've Been so Brief

I decided since I'll be out a while now, I should write something more than begging for donations! (But don't let that stop you from donating, those kids deserve a great Christmas!) So I had to think about this a little, what did I want to write? I thought about continuing the story, but decided, instead, to talk about an issue we're having in the Angel Retreat right now.

As most of you know, I am adopting 7-year-old Annie. She's been with me since she was 2, and really, I'm the only mom she's ever known. I also have a girl, 10-year-old, let's call her Cindy, who I am not adopting. She's been with me for a year, and it looks like they are going to terminate her mom's rights. Now, am I saying adoption is completely out of the question? No. But right now it looks unlikely. Let's look at it this way, she's 10, almost 11. By the time they get termination, she'd be 12 at least, then they have the appeal process, and now we're looking at 13 or 14. She and her mom have a pretty strong bond, and she's never going to want to sever that. If a child is 12 or older, they have to agree to be adopted, or it won't happen. She will be 14 years old by the time any kind of adoption could happen, and she'll never agree to end her relationship with her mom. She's better off to stay with us in long-term foster care, continue to have visitation with her mom facilitated by Health & Welfare, or Casey Family Programs if we can get her into that, and not have to lose her mom completely.

But right now, Cindy is 10, and she doesn't understand any of this. So here's the issue. She feels left out because Annie is being adopted and she's not. I tried to explain to her that she has her mom like Annie has me, so Annie isn't getting anything more than her. I tried to explain that Annie will never see her birth mom again like she gets to see her mom, and that's why she has me like she does. But she really doesn't get it. She just sees Annie getting something special, and she wants it too. And the way she's dealing with it is to tell Annie ghost stories at night, and tell her things that will scare her on the way to school. This is frustrating, Cindy knows Annie has nightmares, and is afraid of the dark and being alone, and wants to scare her because she feels left out. What more do I do? At what point do I discipline? I know why she's doing it, I can't make her understand something she doesn't get, and I can't get her to quit scaring Annie. Any suggestions?

Remember to give to the kids, donate here!!!

P.S. Referring back to the first paragraph of this post, I'm having surgery tomorrow. Because it is impossible for me to have children of my own, and because I have endometriosis which is causing me scruciating pain, I'm having a complete hysterectomy. I won't be on a computer for the next week, so I won't be able to lose any Battle of the Blogs for a while. Wish me luck!

It's Christmas Time!!

2006-11-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I hope everyone out there is gearing up to enjoy their friends and family and have a wonderful holiday season. I know we are. Our Giving Tree project is in full swing, and we should start seeing gifts for foster children coming in some time in the next week or so. We were able to get 5 trees set up around the community, which is great. It's actually harder than you might think to find places to put a tree. The Salvation Army has pretty much dominated the retail space in the area. Most churches have long term commitments with other organizations. So to find an extra church or two this year to take our trees was...well...a Godsend for lack of a better word.

Again, I'd like to thank all of you out there who have given to the tree. I'll post a picture of the gifts you buy when it's all said and done. I can't post pictures of smiling faces for confidentiality reasons. Just know your love is felt by all of us when these kiddos get to have a full Christmas experience! If you haven't donated but still want to, click my "Make a Donation" button. All donation to this site until Christmas will go to buying gifts for foster children.

PS Donations go to The Angel Retreat

2006-11-22T09:53:00.001-07:00

And will be forwarded to the Giving Tree.

Just Click the Banner!

2006-11-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

Two Days Until Thanksgiving

2006-11-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

Then Will it be OK to Talk About Christmas?

What a happy time this is! I LOVE the holiday season, it's so full of family and traditions, and love. I feel sorry for all those who find it a time to be sad and grumpy. Why not enjoy the season? If it were up to me, it would be like this all year round!! This time of year makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Try it, you might like it!!

OK, OK, jeez...now time for my appeal to you. Kids in foster care need you. We only want them to have a good Christmas to make their situation a little more bearable. They can't be with their family for the holidays, but maybe they can at least enjoy themselves. We usually have no trouble at all obtaining gifts for the younger kids, but kids from 12 to 18 get very little. You can help. Anything you donate to this site from now until Christmas goes to buy gifts for foster kids. If you all gave $1, or $2, we could help a lot of kids. Please give to the Giving Tree. Thank you to all those who have already given, you have hearts of gold!

I won't be posting again until after Thanksgiving. The rest of the week is very busy. Happy Thanksgiving to all! Enjoy your turkey.

Give of Your Heart

2006-11-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

I have to prepare for a foster parent training I'm doing tomorrow, so I won't be writing a regular post today. I hope you'll consider donating to foster kids for Christmas though. Click on my "Make a Donation" button to the left, and donate through Pay Pal. Thank you for you kindness!

Accent Quiz

2006-11-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

Nothing I didn't already know I guess...

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The West Your accent is the lowest common denominator of American speech. Unless you're a SoCal surfer, no one thinks you have an accent. And really, you may not even be from the West at all, you could easily be from Florida or one of those big Southern cities like Dallas or Atlanta.
The Midland
Boston
North Central
The South
The Inland North
Philadelphia
The Northeast
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

The Giving Tree

2006-11-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

In Case You're Wondering What This Is...

I realize that if you don't read my blog regularly, and you see this banner, you're probably wondering what it's for. For most foster families, Christmas can be complicated. Health & Welfare tries to help out by giving us $30 per child to buy gifts, but it doesn't go far. They used to put some of the kids on those trees you see in malls, but they never included all the kids. So as a foster parent association, we took over that effort, and Granny and I are the ones who usually run it. We put trees up mostly in churches, and in one retail store. (Retail stores are hard to get because the Salvation Army has taken over most of the big ones.) We try to put tags on the trees indicating specifically what each child wants and needs, and hope they each get something.

We also have, as you may have read here, quite an influx of children this time of year, sometimes even on Christmas Eve or in the wee hours of Christmas Day, and so we try to have extra so we have something to give them. As adults, we know that Christmas is not about the getting, but put yourselves in the shoes of a 3-year-old, or 10-year-old, or even a 16-year-old kiddo who has been taken from their family, from everything they know and love, and put to live with strangers. We try to make their lives as normal as they can be considering their circumstances.

When you were a kid, how would you feel to sit in a house of strangers watching them celebrate Christmas, but not being included? Now that's not to say foster parents don't include the kiddos in their traditions, but it puts a strain on our finances. We may suddenly have up to 6 extra kids in our home at Christmas time. That's how these trees help out. Foster parents are already giving a lot, emotionally and financially, and the trees give an opportunity for others in the community to be a part of the giving. We get a great response every year, but there are always tags left on the tree. And they are usually tags for teens. We count on cash donations at this time of year so that we can buy gifts and gift cards for those teens. Some of them will be moving out on their own soon and need stuff for their apartments, some will be going to college, some have small children of their own and will have to be financially responsible for them soon. These kids won't have the same support and gifts coming from bio-families that most of us have, so we try to get them things they'll need to help out. Think about it, can you spare a couple dollars to help the kids have a good Christmas? If so, please click my "Make a Donation" button, and I will make sure your funds buy gifts for these kids.

We have over 500 kids in our region of Idaho in foster care right now. That's a lot of kids to buy for, and a whole lot more than we've had in past years. I promise to post a picture of what you buy so you can see the good you did!

Thank you!

Allee's Adoption

2006-11-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

And All that Came with it...

We were headed into the spring of 2003. Rita had moved on to a family who were new to foster care, but incorporated her into their family very well. She would still come to visit us, and stayed with us whenever they needed respite. In the mean time, we weren't really taking any new kids for a while. I had something else to concentrate on for a few months. I'd officially decided to adopt Allee, she'd officially decided to adopt me, and the department had officially decided to let it happen. She was 17 years old, and had been in foster care for 11 years. She'd never lived in one place for more than 1 1/2 years. I wanted our home to be her permanent home. Everyone who'd known her and worked with her during the past 11 years felt like she really was doing better with me than she had anywhere else. When she'd moved in with me a year earlier, she was a year behind in school, and now she was only 2 semester classes away from being caught up...she would graduate with her class next year. She wasn't stealing (so much) any more. She wasn't causing chaos in the home. She really seemed to have settled in and made my family her family. I loved her with everything I had.

But another problem was arising. Kneesaa still wasn't free for adoption. She was also 17, had been with me for 2 years, and wanted to be adopted. I wanted like anything to adopt her as well, but it was looking like I would have to wait until she was 18. For whatever reasons they could come up with when I asked, the department just never filed to terminate her parents rights even though she wanted it, and even though she was never going home. Her father said he would sign voluntarily, but mom was another story. So we had another year to wait for me to adopt her. But in my mind, at least we were going to be able to do it, and she was already my daughter, we just wouldn't have the paper to say so until next spring.

Let's not forget, though, Kneesaa competed with Allee on EVERYTHING! She was very angry, with me, with Allee, with her bio-mom, with the courts...with the world. At the time, I think she believed that if I loved Allee, I couldn't love her too. She was also angry because she'd been there first, and felt she should be adopted first. I think she felt I should wait to adopt Alle until after I could adopt her. Times got very rocky for all three of us. On top of all this, Allee started to get scared. She'd been to this point of adoption before, and then was rejected, and she was expecting me to reject her. In fact, she became almost impossible to live with so I would reject her and get it over with. But I didn't. The closer we got to the adoption, the more I put up with her antics just to show her I meant it when I said I loved her. And the more I put up with her antics, the more Kneesaa withdrew from me thinking I didn't love her. I finally got all three of us in counseling together. I don't think it helped much then, but I think in the long run, it's helped Kneesaa look back and see that I always loved her.

The day of adoption finally arrived, May 25, 2003. I had my first daughter, and in a year she'd be graduating from high school. That day was so special. For everyone, I hope. Allee and I had found a skirt and top outfit that we liked, so she bought the skirt and I bought the top, then she found a black top and I found a black skirt, and we went in dressed alike. We had all our friends and family with us in the court room. Granny took lots of pictures. We all cried as both Allee and I signed the adoption papers. (Kids over 12 have to agree to the adoption or it won't be finalized.) The judge was real nice about letting Granny get pictures of us with him. Then we went home and had a big party. How wonderful to celebrate an addition to your family, with that person! I'll never forget how happy and alive I felt that day.

The girls started settling down some after that day. Allee eased off on the antics, though it would take Kneesaa over a year more to realise I did love both of them equally. Eventually, both girls started making fun of me because I was only 15 years older than them. The funny thing to me was I could remember when I was 15, I told everyone I never wanted kids. Look at me now!

So, in the first months of my third year in foster care, I began a whole new journey, motherhood, and as you'll see as you read, it gets even better from here! Thank you for reading!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Because There's so much to do...

2006-11-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

We Start Thinking About Christmas Before Thanksgiving...

I didn't know if I'd write a post today, I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about. But I've been sitting here for the last three hours creating an Excel spreadsheet that will soon generate labels to stick to tags to hang on Christmas Trees in our area so people who want to donate can buy gifts for foster kids. And all this made me think of all the posts I've read lately that complain about Christmas showing up in stores and such before Halloween is over, and what happened to Thanksgiving. I can't vouch for the stores other than to say they are just trying to make as much money as they can during the holiday season. That doesn't mean YOU have to forget about Thanksgiving.

But for us, we have to start our project long before Halloween even. If you don't secure locations for your trees, some bigger organization will take it first. We have to start hounding Health and Welfare for contact information to be able to talk to all our foster parents and find out what our kiddos are needing and wanting for Christmas. The phone calls take up a lot of time, trying to get a hold of everyone, and the conversations you have so you can represent each child pretty accurately on the trees. We have to line up some sort of warehouse or large empty building so we can store the gifts as they come in and get them sorted and prepared for distribution. Then there's the actually setting up of the trees with the tags, and collecting the gifts as they come in. We have to sort them. Then we have to make contact again to let the foster parents know when and where to pick up the gifts. Of course, there's the last minute needs because kids are coming into care every day, up to and through Christmas (if you've read my posts, you'll know we even get them very early on Christmas morning.) We try to obtain extra gifts to have on hand for these kids. It's quite a process, and it's rewarding to see foster kids having wishes fulfilled. In some ways, I'm grateful the stores are getting things going somewhat early so people are more in the spirit for our cause.

If you'd like to donate to the Giving Tree cause, you can make a donation here and leave a note that that is what it's for, and we'll be sure to get that donation to the kids on the trees. Because, while we usually have no problem getting gifts for little ones, people are not as apt to buy for the teens in care, so we always count on cash donations to buy for the teens.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thank you for reading.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

We LOVE to Sing!

2006-11-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

And We Do It All the Time...

Growing up, there was always music in my life. I used to sit and listen to my mom's 45's all the time, and as I got older started recording them on tapes for us to listen to in the car. The radio was nearly always on in the house from my very first memories. When I was a pre-teen and all the way through high school, we ran the local movie theatre, which meant cleaning it during the day and operating it in the evening. While we were cleaning, music was blasting from the sound system. We listened to oldies from my moms era, classic 70's, metal from the 60's, 70's and 80's, all the 80's rock, hair bands, girl vocalists, metal, dead one-hit-wonders from the 50's and 60's, you name it. I loved Supertramp, the Eagles, ABBA, Guns-n-Roses, Meatloaf, Bread, Styx...all of it. At one point, I began to feel I'd filled up so much of my memory with song lyrics there was no room for anything else. I can't remember my daughter's weekly counseling appointment, but turn the radio on to any station and I can sing just about any song that comes on. I love music.

I'm afraid I'm turning every kid who comes into my house into me this way. The radio is always on in our house. My 3 year old knows all the words to all the songs on my moms KLITE station. We drive down the road in our van and the radio is playing "Blinded By the Light", and ALL my kids know ALL the words. Even my almost-2-year-old is starting to get in on the action. And if the radio isn't working (we need a new one, badly!!) everyone is singing their own song. Sometimes we'll all break out in the same tune, but most of the time we're all in our own world singing to our own soundtrack.

It never occurred to me how strange this might seem to others until one day this summer. We'd spent the whole day together as a family, running errands, shopping. We went from store to store, showing off our circus, and minding our own business. (We get a lot of looks because of our number, our age range, and the different races.) Suddenly, we were traipsing along in WalMart, and I came back to reality. I stopped humming the song that'd stuck with me from church the week before, and I looked around. At that moment in time, every member of my family was singing, out loud, a different song. 2-year-old was chanting the "ABC's", 3-year-old was singing "Old McDonald" and each time he needed a new barn animal someone in the family would absent mindedly interrupt their own song to give him one, Annie was singing "Who Let the Dogs Out", 10-year-old was singing a song she'd learned in school the year before, Granny was humming the last song we'd heard on the radio in the van, 17-year-old was singing along with radio WalMart, and I was singing church songs. So, to make us look even more crazy, I burst out laughing, I found it so humorous I couldn't even explain why I was laughing. It was just one of those moments that struck the right cord, and I was almost hysterical.

It's a good thing we've all become so immune to the strange looks we often get, cuz we were getting them times-10 that day. I love my family!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Sometimes Things Feel Weird

2006-11-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

And You Have to Make Tough Decisions...

After Christmas, and as we headed into our third year in foster care, I began to feel less like a newbie, and more like an experienced parent. I was (and still am) in awe of those who'd been doing this for 20 plus years, but at least I didn't feel unsure of what I was doing anymore. Some things were helping me feel more comfortable with my knowledge. One, we'd started a foster parent association, and somehow I found myself as president. Honestly, I went to the meeting to see what it was all about, and one of the social workers there nominated me, and the other foster parents elected me. What it made me realize was how involved I'd become in so many aspects of foster care. I was advocating for teens in care, helping set up new support groups and learning groups for them. I went to a national conference for independent living sponsored by the Daniel Memorial Institute. All of this was making me feel like I'd found my calling, my niche in the world. I was meant to do foster care, help those who had nobody.

But at the same time, I started to feel conflicted. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable having Rita in our home. In most ways she was just like all our other girls, loving and needy. But in some ways she...well...creeped me out. How horrible to feel this way about someone who needed me. She loved living with us, and wanted to stay forever. But there was something about her actions, something physical, that was too sexual for me. I'm not sure I can convey this the way I want so you'll understand. Usually, girls who have been molested will either be completely withdrawn, or they will act out sexually towards men. Rita was sexual towards everyone, male or female. When she hugged me goodnight, it felt like she was making a move on me.

I don't blame her. I don't think anyone ever gave her familial affection, and they only thing she new about love was sex - with either gender. Training does not prepare you for everything. They tell you things that could happen, and most of what they tell you does eventually happen to you, but they can't prepare you for how you'll feel. I was having a real hard time with this, but I was trying to work through it. I knew it wasn't her fault, and I knew she had to be taught more appropriate ways of showing affection with others. But the kicker was when she'd been gone to her aunt's for the weekend, and when she came home, she ran in the house and threw her arms around Lainie and picked her up and hugged her in what looked more like the reunion of lovers than of friends and sisters.

From that point on, I stopped worrying about my reaction to Rita, and started worrying about the other kids in the house. I feared her being alone with Annie, and so never let that happen anymore. I worried that with Stacie's problems, Rita could trigger an emotional breakdown or something worse. I can't tell you how much I worried about Lainie on so many levels. It was breaking my heart. I had to make a tough decision, figure out what was best for everyone.

In the end, after consulting with some of our social workers, we decided it would be best to move her to another home. Hopefully one where there wouldn't be as much potential for trouble in this nature. We decided this move would not just protect the other girls in my home, but also protect Rita from accusations, or even temptation. The hurt on her face when we told her she was moving was almost unbearable. I honestly don't know how we were able to go through with this move, but we had to. Then, to make my guilt worse, since then Rita has not done well. The last I heard of her (just recently) she was running wild and getting in trouble. She's not in foster care anymore, but she's not doing well either. I wish I could do something for her now, but I don't know what, and would it be too little too late? Would she have a better life right now if I'd kept her in my home? I'll never know.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

My 2nd Christmas as a Mom

2006-11-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

Christmas 2002

This Christmas seemed even more special to me. I had all the girls who seemed more like a part of me than any of the others had, I had Kneesaa, Stacie, Allee, Lainie, and Annie. They were all so special. We decided to get real creative with our Christmas card pictures that year, and dressed everyone up as cowgirl Angels and posed on bales of hay. The pictures were so cute! I wrote our Christmas poem, and we signed it the Angel Retreat, and sent it our to all our family and friends, and case workers. It was really our second such card, but the first with such a poem and the first using our name, "Angel Retreat". This has since become a tradition. I already have people asking about this year's card!

Of course, just after we sent this card out, a new angel came to us. Rita, another 13 year old girl. She seemed to fit in well right away. It was kind of funny (to me) to see how the dynamics of the girl's changed with every new girl who came along. Suddenly, Lainie and Rita were best friends. This kind of left Stacie out as she and Lainie had been best friends before. Allee and Kneesaa, both the same age (separated by a month), and the only blonds in the house, were at the same time best friends and mortal enemies. They had to stick together against the force of the dark heads, but the competition for top spot in the pecking order between them was so strong they often were fighting against each other. One of our social workers, who worked with all the girls on independent living skills, secretly called Allee and Kneesaa the Barbies. They were both beautiful and girlie, and had smiles to melt the crowd. The dark heads were more tomboyish and frumpy most of the time. Although, Lainie wanted to be more girlie, she hated the Barbies and wanted to be nothing like them. And now Stacie found herself in the middle. Rather than stand up for herself, she withdrew. She hated the Barbies too, but would conspire with them just so she wasn't alone.

Then there was Annie. Annie was loved by all. She was also shunned by all. They loved playing with her, or showing her off to all their friends, but she had started developing the dreaded rage behaviour we've come to know, and the older girls were already tired of it. Here she was, 3 years old, so small she was still wearing size 24 months clothes, and acting like a 16 year old girl. (Except for the rages.)

But all that got put aside for Christmas. I loved sharing my childhood memories with them, and giving them the gift of our family traditions. We also started a tradition of our own. I'd heard about it from a co-worker. He said it was a German tradition to set your shoes out on the eve of St. Nicholas day, and St. Nick would come while you were sleeping to leave gifts in your shoes. The gifts would indicate whether you needed to improve your behaviour, or you were doing OK. So you would get socks, candy if you were real good, and coal if you had work to do. The girls loved the idea, so it became an Angel Retreat tradition.

Another tradition I showed them was that we open a gift here and there during the whole month of December until Christmas Eve when we open all our other gifts. Usually, the early gifts are things like family Christmas t-shirts, Christmas pajamas, new blankets, slippers. You know, cozy stuff. They loved it. We'd all sit around in the living room to open a gift, and I think it was more the togetherness than the gift that meant something.

In all, everyone had no problem getting into the family spirit of Christmas as we included them in all our rituals. It was a happy time in the house. Rivalries were somewhat set aside, bad behaviour was put on a shelf, and we were all one. It's what most families do anyway, but it was more special to me for two reasons: 1) I was a mom finally, and these were my kids! and 2) None of these people were family biologically, but were able to come together and have this special time together. Thinking about their losses at that time, and helping each other through says a lot about those kids no matter what they've done since or are doing now. They are capable of compassion, and showed it when it was needed most.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Let's Look a Little Deeper

2006-11-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Part 3... Lainie and Annie

Lainie

This was a tough one for me. Lainie had a lot going on, her case was complicated, and she was even more complicated. She didn't want to get close to anyone, but wanted everyone to think she was their best friend. I loved her. Not right away. She came in first thing trying to manipulate me and get away with whatever she could. But one thing about foster parents who've taken a lot of teens, they've been through it already. I recognized what she was doing immediately. I dealt with it. I made her help clean the kitchen when it was her night no matter how sick she said she was because not ten minutes earlier she was laughing and conversing and shoveling food in at the table with all the others. I would tell her the kitchen was close to the bathroom so it would be quick to get to if she really had to vomit while she was cleaning. Of course she never did. We all knew she wasn't sick. She also found out right away that we meant it when we said all kids in the house would lose TV privileges if anyone earned grades lower than a "C" because they weren't trying their best. She suddenly became a straight-A student after we'd been told she was barely passing her classes in school before coming to us.

Once we got past some of the initial power plays, we were able to enjoy each other a little more. But the whole time she was with us, I could feel something just wasn't there. I loved her immensely and would have adopted her at the drop of a hat. She always said she wished I could adopt her. Yet I felt something essential from her side was missing. Then when the day came that her mom terminated rights, she was gone. Not physically, but emotionally. She'd already chosen to be adopted elsewhere, and no longer had any interest in our family. The day she left for her new family, I was devastated. My heart hurt so much, and I cried long and hard, even though I knew she wasn't crying for us. She has never made contact with me again. She has contacted Stacie, once. But in her heart, she was never part of us, she was only part of us in our hearts, and that's just not enough. I think about her so much...she's been gone 2 1/2 years. I imagine her growing up, being quite the young woman now, and determined to be successful in every way. I love her, miss her, and hope she's happy.

Annie

Annie is my princess. She was so small when she came to me, only 2 1/2 years old. My relationship with her is no different in most ways than it is between any birth mom and child. She has behaviour problems and difficulties caused from the injuries she sustained as an infant, but emotionally, we are mother and daughter. We do talk about her birth mom whenever she is needing to talk about her. But Annie doesn't remember anyone in her life before me, and I would give my life for her. I don't know her birth mom other than from seeing her at a distance. It was never a safe situation to meet her or work with her. Annie would not be safe with her still, so we will try to find birth mom when Annie is older, an adult, and strong enough emotionally to deal with what she will face. I can't really say much else...all of you who are mothers to daughters, or daughters with mothers should already understand this relationship.

I am getting very excited about finalizing the adoption for Annie. In my heart and should she is mine and always has been, but legally not yet. I keep hoping we can get it done before Christmas. Something happened in church that brought tears to my eyes yesterday. Our pastor always does a "Children's Message" between the gospel and the sermon. For this, he brings all the children to the front of the sanctuary and sits on the floor with them and shares with them. Yesterday he was talking about "All Saints Day" and how we are all saints, our baptism made us so. The look on Annie's face was crushing. She won't be baptized until the adoption is final, and this is something she's looking forward to. It's important to her, and until then, she doesn't feel like a complete part of our family and church community. These are feelings she's expressed to me in the past. So when he said all of us who were baptized were saints, I could tell by looking at her that she was sad and feeling left out by it all. I wanted to hold her tight and make everything OK, which I did when she came back to the pew, but everything is not OK. She needs the permanence of this adoption on so many levels. I just hope she isn't setting herself up for a big fix that won't be realized. I want to cry.

I'm on a tangent, but I have to say that I worry about the same thing with my 3 year old. I'm trying to get money together to get his adoption done, and I'm afraid if I can't get it done soon enough, he'll start to have some of the same issues Annie has. I sometimes wish he'd stayed in foster care so we could get his done quick and easy. But because he isn't in care anymore, I can't get the adoption assistance from the state to help afford the legal fees and homestudy. If you feel even the least bit inclined to help with his adoption fees, the Angel Retreat would be oh so grateful! (Just click the "Make Donation" button on the left and donate away! :-) )

Anyway, I received some nice comments this weekend, and I love reading them. I'll respond, but I am still a bit computer intelligence delayed in all this, and have trouble getting the computer to get responses out. Which is best?: send an email (can't always do this for some reason), go to commenter's blog and respond back (seems a little weird), or respond with a comment below theirs on my blog (seems the easiest, but do they read them?). Let me know what you think/do. Thanks.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Happy Holidays!

2006-11-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

It's that Time of Year Again...

This is when my family has always begun gearing up for togetherness, fun, and tradition. For me, the season always begins the first of November, that last of the countdown to my birthday on Veterans Day. I remember, growing up in the Wood River Valley, it ALWAYS snowed on my birthday. Often, it was the first snow of the year.

Then a few weeks later, it was time for Thanksgiving. What I love about these memories is the warmth and comfort of our house. That wonderful smell of cinnamon sticks simmering in a pot of water on the wood burning stove, the mouth watering scent of onions and celery sauteing in preparation of mom's great stuffing. We'd spend the morning getting the house clean, and the afternoon watching football, setting the table, and best of all....eating! The whole family was always there. My memories of this holiday are warm and comfortable, happy.

The day after Thanksgiving we decorated for Christmas, because as much as we loved Thanksgiving, Christmas was the day we were really anxious for. The lights were put up outside (if they hadn't been left up the year before so we wouldn't have to go out in the cold.) The whole inside of our house was decorated with garland, the tree (of course), stockings, table cloths, you name it. My brother and I even strung lights in our bedrooms. Again, this was a holiday full of warm, cozy, family memories. I love being with my family.

And this is why it's hard for me to understand why this is the busiest time of the year in child protection. Inevitably, we ALWAYS get kids right before Christmas. Last year we got my 10 year old on Thanksgiving, and I figured, wow, we got our Christmas Angel early. Then we got a 9 year old boy and his 10 month old sister at 3:00 in the morning on Christmas...we had three Angels last Christmas. We do what we can to make them feel comfortable and part of the family for the holidays, but really, the kids who've been with us a few months or longer are having a hard time being away from their families during the holidays...you can only imagine what it's like to be ripped from them ON the holiday!! Last year we were lucky because we had an extra bike from the giving trees, and were able to give it to the little boy from Santa. He was amazed and excited, and it helped him deal with his situation a little better. Not a lot, but even just a little works some times.

I can remember when Stacie was with us, the first two years were especially hard. She somehow got it in her mind, both years, that she'd be going home in time for Christmas. Of course she didn't because she was with us until she went to college. But the closer to the holiday it got during those two yeras, the more depressed she got. No matter what anyone said or did to help her realize she wasn't going home, she denied it. We were eventually allowed to have her mom come to our house, and started inviting her over for Christmas day. But even that isn't the same. It's not like having your whole family surround you and sharing in family traditions you've known since birth. Ironically though, Stacie now usually spends Christmas with us.

This time of year is supposed to be a time of peace and love. Unfortunately, for 100's to 1000's of kids in country this year it will be a time of loss and grief. It's already started...I have two new 5 year old girls from different families. They both came to me last week. One, thank goodness, gets to go home tomorrow. But the other will probably be with us quite a while. It's starting earlier this year. Last week we were called about 12 different children and were able to take two. That's a huge sudden influx of kids. That's a lot of family violence, neglect, abuse. If you're of the mind, please pray for all those children who may lose families this Christmas, and hope their loved ones get help before it's too late. Thank you for reading.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

No, Foster Care is Not an Ideal Way to Raise Kids

2006-10-31T18:54:00.000-07:00

But it isn't All as Bad as Some May Think...

I decided I needed to write something about the terrible stigma of foster care today. I was just reading an ad about protecting your children if something should ever happen to you, and it kept saying do this or else your children will end up in FOSTER CARE as if they would be guaranteed to be abused and neglected there, instead of being cared for and kept safe until a family member was found to take your children. I also watch all those Law & Order shows, CSI shows, you know. Quite often the theme seems to be about the abuse children receive once they are in foster care. On one of the shows, one of the police detectives made a comment something like, "I'll go talk to my friend, a survivor of foster care."

I realize where the stigma came from. I know that in the past, way back in the past if you must know, the foster care system was horrendous. Kids were abused, worked to death, kept "only for the money" by some. But that was then. The foster care system has come a long way in the last 30 years! Homes are monitored and regulated, foster parents have extensive background checks, yearly. Training, up front and ongoing, is required. We go to conferences, support groups, meetings, many of us are involved in the training of new foster parents. We have mentoring systems, and constant contact with the department, counselors, PSR workers, schools, doctors, and the birth family. I'm not saying some bad seeds don't slip through the cracks, but the vast majority of foster parents are good people trying to do good things for other people in our communities.

I can say I know this first hand because not only do I have constant contact with other foster families through conferences, and because I am a foster parent trainer, but because I contact each foster family in my region every year. I spend time talking to them and learning about the things their foster children do, enjoy, and want to do. For people to know the things I ask means they spend quality time with their kids, and care about them. You see, my mom and I organize and run the giving trees every year at Christmas to help foster families get gifts for their kids. But we don't just arbitrarily ask for toys and games, we ask for specific items the kids need and want. To do that, I have to spend a lot of time on the phone with our families. You might be surprised at the time everyone involved takes to make sure all our kids have good Christmas's and enjoy their holidays as much as they can given the fact that they aren't allowed to be with their birth families.

See, another misconception some people have of foster families is that they want to keep all the kids they take in. Don't take that the wrong way, we do love our kids, and we do want to keep them safe and cared for. But we work with the department and with the birth families, because our primary goal is to reunify kids with their birth families. I have relationships with almost all of my kids' birth families, and if I don't, it's only because it wouldn't be safe. I mentor birth parents when needed, and I share their children's lives with them until the kids can go home. And this is true of nearly all our foster families. The training curriculum we use in Idaho, and that is actually used in a large number of states across the US, requires that all foster parents be open to working with the birth families. It trains new foster parents on how we try to reunify before any other option is considered. And because foster parents have to go through 27 hours of this training before being licensed, it weeds out most people who would not conform to this type of foster parenting.

There's more I could say, but this post is getting too long. I'd be happy to answer questions or have a conversation with anyone who wants to know more about what I do. My biggest need to write this post, though, was to get across the idea that while yes, foster care is not an ideal way to raise children, it isn't necessarily the worst either. Foster parents don't do it for the money, they don't enslave the children, they don't abuse and neglect. The people you hear about who are so evil are the exception, not the rule. And you'll find those same exceptions in every aspect of life where you find children...in schools, daycares, clubs, sports...deranged people find ways to get through the cracks everywhere. But you don't hate all teachers or coaches because of it do you? Have good thoughts about foster parents because you probably already know several, and they just don't advertise that that's what they do.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

"My Blankie is Crying Too!"

2006-10-26T08:45:00.000-06:00

"I'm Sad At You"

It was a pretty typical morning at the Angel Retreat. We have at least four children in our home who were affected by drugs and alcohol exposure in the womb. (I say "at least" because there is one whom we don't have enough information about to know if she was exposed or not.) So on any given day, well, actually, every day, there are certain behaviours being displayed by at least one of these children. But sometimes, the things they say while having these behaviours are humorous, and I think being able to laugh at these things is what keeps us sane.

It makes me think of an episode we had with Annie earlier this year. Annie has a hard time with her closet. See, she and our 10-year-old share a room we originally had set up for 4 teenagers, and in this room we added on a fairly large walk-in closet. Sometimes I think the space is just too overwhelming for Annie. We keep hoping they'll place two more elementary age girls with us to share that room, but for now we have to live with Annie being lost in her closet. She used to be such a neat freak! Her room was always perfectly picked up, everything in its place, and she always made her bed. Now, she had trouble deciding what to wear in the morning, and so at least five items of clothing end up on the floor in her closet each day. And each afternoon, we have her go in and hang her clothes back up. So one day, I asked her to go put her clothes back on the hanger, and as happens spontaneously and unexpectedly several times a week, Annie went into a rage. For whatever reason, that day asking her to do something we ask her to do almost daily, triggered her tantrum mechanism. I walked away, as is usual. When she finally started to calm a little, 45 minutes later, I asked her to go hang her clothes up now. She stomped off, and I could hear her screaming and yelling at me in her closet from the living room. I continued to ignore. (Believe it or not, this is the best way to deal with her rage.) She came out 30 minutes later, stomping and full of attitude, and looked at me with pure hatred shooting from her eyes, and yelled, "I feel like a maid!" I have to say, it took everything I had not to burst out laughing right there. I calmly explained to her that a maid is someone who cleans up other people's stuff, not someone who cleans up their own stuff. She didn't get it, and went back to her room kicking and screaming.

So getting back to this morning. Will wanted to go play in the girls' room. Granny, being oh so practical, brought him back out explaining that the girls were getting dressed, so he couldn't be in there. Of course, this makes no sense to someone who doesn't understand hiding your naked body. He's 3...3-year-olds often parade around the house in nothing but socks. Right? Well, he does anyway. So he didn't care for Granny's actions. He screamed. What can I compare his screams to? Have you ever heard a rabbit or a guinea pig scream in fear? Think of the highest pitch you can still hear, turn the volume up to about 75, and consider how long it takes to get the air out of an inflatable floatation mattress. I may be exaggerating a little here, but don't kid yourself, I'm not exaggerating all that much. Granny tilts her head, gets that granny look on her face, and says in that soft, drawn out, "I love you, and want to slap you but am not going to because it's not the way we raise children anymore, so all I can do is say your name" voice, and says, "Willlllllllll..." As she turns to walk away, he throws his soccer ball at the back of her head. Don't worry, it was one of those soft squishy balls, so no concussion.

Now, I'm the only one who can see her face. If I was a kid, I'd be peeing my pants at that point seeing the color and set of her face. You should know, Will woke her up at 5:00 this morning and woke up the girls and wanted everyone to play. So she's already frazzled. I thought she was going to implode. She turned, and even he looked scared. (He usually thinks this is play time and laughs and runs.) She snatched him up, and before I could react, she strapped him in the booster chair from the table and pulled it to the middle of the kitchen and said, "You're in time out!" I thought that was pretty good self-control, considering her state of mind at that point...it was 7:30 am...

I had to leave for work. In my mind I said a prayer asking that God keep everyone safe today. As I was walking out the door, my mom was mumbling..."It's going to be a GREAT day!" Will was screaming..."I want my blankie...my blankie is sad...I'm crying...my blankie is crying too...I'm sad at you..." and so on.

That's right, at some point each morning, at least one of my lovable drug babies is in this state, and either my mom or I are nearing a breaking point...and it's those comments they wail at you that break your mood and make you laugh, even if they don't appreciate the humor. If they only knew...

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Guess What Day it is!!!!!!!

2006-10-25T09:24:00.000-06:00

Day 42!

That's right, tomorrow we can breathe again. This is the last day Annie's birth mom has to appeal the termination of her rights, and so far, no word!! 7 hours and counting!! I think we made it this time, though I will knock on wood for saying that!

I know I promised a discussion on my relationships with Lainie and Annie, but I'm putting that off. I'll get back to it. I'm too excited about Annie. Now, if only I could get moving on Will's adoption. Have I told you much about him? See, he's not actually in foster care, his mom obtained custody back a little over a year ago, but he's still been living with us. She finally realized she doesn't make a good mom because it takes more than love to raise a child, especially a meth baby. So she has asked me to adopt him, since I am the mom who has raised him. This is great, but I'm having one problem. I'm not getting the state adoption assistance like I would if he were a foster child, and so far, I'm on hold because I can't afford the homestudy update. It costs just as much to update your homestudy as it does to get a new one. I don't have $500 to spare. I applied for a grant from the National Adoption Foundation, but have never heard back from them. I really don't know what to do, at this point, I may have to put off his adoption for quite a while. If you've ever considered donating to someone on their blog, I could really use your donation right now! That's right, I'm no longer above asking for a handout! I'd like to get all this done, make things legal and permanent quickly so everyone can get on with their lives. The legal fees aren't as big an obstacle, the lawyer doesn't ask for payment up front. But this $500 homestudy fee has to be paid before they'll do the homestudy.

I hate that I'm not wealthy. Just think of all the good I could do for kids if I had money. Of course, if I had money, I'd probably spend it all on the kids so fast, I wouldn't be wealthy anymore! :-)

Now that I've gloated, cried, and begged, I thought I'd vent. Why not be one of those obnoxious people nobody likes to be stuck sitting next to on the plane? What do I have to vent about? This blog. I wanted a new look, something nice. I found a template, changed up a few things, added all my junk, you know, moved in, and published it. Well, after hours of frustration, I finally got the main post column up BESIDE the side bar, but now, the comments are down below the sidebar, and I can't figure out how to bring those up. I've been playing with it all morning. And one nice blogger, Bozette, suggested I resize the pics to fit the bars. I appreciate the comment, but I don't know what that means. HELP! I admit, I'm new and uneducated in the blogging world. I'm learning HTML as I go, and it's mostly guesses with a lot of trial and error. My other problem with this new layout is that the nice people who created it, made the title in the header a link, so it has to be the same color as the rest of the links on the page. This sucks, because the color I want it to be doesn't work for the links on the rest of the page. I don't know how to fix that either. I wish I could just create my own layout, cuz I have a nice idea for a better header, but don't know how to do it.

OK, I feel a little better. Do you think my plea for money will work? I've noticed a lot of people ask for donations on their blogs...does anyone ever get anything? Is this parallel to sitting on a corner with my dog and a cardboard sign stating "Will Work for Food"?

Will Blog for Adoption Fees!

I'll talk to you again soon. Thanks for reading! I promise not to be so whiny next time.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

New Look!!

2006-10-24T17:32:00.000-06:00

What Do You Think?

I worked quite a while trying to get this to look different. Please let me know if it looks good or not. I saved my other template so I can put it back at any time. I'm a little anxious about this. I do have plans for an even better header, but I like this for now.

Thank you! :-)

Happy Halloween!!

Let's Look a Little Deeper

2006-10-24T08:24:00.000-06:00

Explore the Relationships Part 2

Allee

When Allee moved in, as I have said, we all thought she would one day go back to the family who'd committed to adopting her. In the mean time, she'd spent time with us in respite care, and we'd grown to love her in a different way. It was almost like it was safer because nobody had any expectations of it being a long term parent-child relationship. I had fun with Allee, playing games and joking around. I felt an instant bond with her. We talked about anything and everything. She was more like one of my friends than a child I should be raising. I don't know if any of you out there have ever felt this way about a child...teenager...of your own. But as time went on, it became obvious she was never going back to the adoptive family. Their relationship was becoming more volatile, not getting better...and how could it get better? They weren't even in the same state. She and I became closer and closer. She started doing better in school, and we began working on getting her caught up. (She was a year behind.) I felt like this was the relationship I'd always longed for with a daughter. What I began to realize was that I loved her so much it almost hurt. I didn't want her to have another family, I wanted to be her family. But knowing the plan, I never expressed this idea. Until one day, she said it. She asked me to adopt her. She didn't want to leave, she felt at home for the first time in her life. I can't even tell you how excited I was. I called the case manager, and found everyone was on board with this. We'd all seen a change in Allee. She was less deceptive, less manipulative, she was settling in, and doing well in school. She'd been in foster care for 10 years, and nobody had ever seen her doing this well. Just after her 17th birthday, I adopted her. We went through tough times, she resisted me, tested me, tried to get me to give up on her like everyone else had in her past. But I couldn't. I knew I could never let her go. There was something about her that I needed. Don't get me wrong, please. I didn't love her more than the others, I loved them all differently. I had just as strong a feeling of mother-daughter to Kneesaa, who I was also planning to adopt, it was just different. Allee was like an addiction. I needed to be her mother, and I needed her to want me to be her mother. And she was the same way. We needed each other. My relationship with her almost makes me shy off from new relationships with kids. You'll understand that more if you keep reading my story.

Allee is hard for me to talk about, so I'm done today. I'll come back tomorrow to talk about Lainie and Annie. Thanks for reading!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Let's Look a Little Deeper

2006-10-19T09:01:00.000-06:00

Explore the Relationships... Part 1

So far I've mostly been telling you about who was in our house, and what we were doing, but not a lot about our relationships. At this point in the story, I had Kneesaa, Stacie, Allee, Lainie, and Annie...my girls. I haven't really given you a good picture of Kneesaa and Stacie, and there was a lot going on at this point that you should know about to understand my story better. So I'm going back to Fall 2002, and taking a deeper look at my relationships with each of my girls.

Kneesaa

This was the beginning of Kneesaa's junior year in high school, and when I looked at her and watched her, it amazed me at how much she had changed in only a year. She'd grown up a lot between 15 and 16. It also shocked me that it felt like she'd always been with me, instead of only having been with me for a year. In that year I had come to feel like she was part of me; I don't know that I could have felt any different if I had given birth to her 16 years earlier. We had all the makings of a mother-daughter relationship. She hated me a lot, she felt like I was too hard on her, too protective of her. And she loved me. When it counted, she showed it, and I never doubted it. We had our troubles. We went through counseling together. Of course, one of our biggest obstacles was her past, having been abused her whole life, she had no concept of what love should really look like. I could probably say that about most of my kids, especially the ones who came to me when they were older. I love Kneesaa dearly, but she never trusted that I loved her, and I think she still has trouble trusting that I love her. She was jealous of anyone else in my life. She competed with the other girls even when they didn't know she was doing it. She always needed to be seen as the good girl, the most loved. She never understood that I loved her no matter what, and that the other girls had nothing to do with our relationship. Even now, as an adult, a wife, and a mother, she competes with the other girls to be the favorite. I've given up trying to make her see I don't have a favorite, and I just let her believe she's it. If it helps her feel more secure about us, I'm OK with it.

Stacie

Stacie was a whole different story. In a lot of ways, we got each other, and in a lot of ways, we didn't. Our love for each other was more practical, a lot less mushy. She was more tomboyish than any other girl in the house. She hated lace, HATED pink, and if she had her way, every article of clothing she owned would be blue. Her only girlish obsession was butterflies. She didn't mess with her hair, didn't wear make-up, didn't wear dresses or skirts. I got this. I am not real girly either, though not quite to the same extent. And we shared the same taste in music...70's and 80's hard rock. She loved the classic metal bands, and the hair bands from the 80's. It was like the only thing we had in common some days. But it was enough. She hated me most of the time, but I understood that too. See, she had a bond with her birth mom, and they still spent a lot of time together. In Stacie's mind, loving me would have meant betraying her mom. This caused a lot of internal conflict for her. I tried to respect that, and not push myself on her. I wanted her to know I loved her, but that I didn't want to replace her mom, I just wanted to be there for her. Mostly I did this by respecting her space, remembering things that were important to her, buying her birthday and Christmas gifts that had meaning rather than being just things. I was subtle in letting her know I loved her. And she did the same. She remembered what I liked and what was important to me. She'd talk bad about me in her bedroom with the other girls, but secretly slip me home-made cards, or just little notes to let me know she cared. One time I was craving wedding cake...for weeks. You know, just one of those weird things. I came home one day, and she had made a small wedding cake just for me. Now, as an adult, Stacie has figured out how to love me and love her mom, and be OK with it. In fact, I think we have an even more loving relationship now, since she left the house, than we ever did when she was there.

This exploration is taking more time and space than I thought it would, so I think I'll post it in parts. Stay tuned for part 2!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Lainie Storms In

2006-10-18T09:58:00.000-06:00

She's Not So Bad...

When Annie came home, and the two brothers left to live with a relative, she became quite close to Hank. She was teaching him so much, he was starting to talk, and he began walking. It's amazing what older siblings can do to help teach their younger brothers and sisters. Just playing with him, she gave him so much. And she loved playing with him! If you've never heard the sound of children laughing hysterically and spontaneously in your house, you're missing out!

Hank was making so much progress, and we were all becoming so attached to him. It looked like that case was headed to termination, and then we got that call. They'd been to court, and to every one's amazement, the judge was sending Hank home to his parents. I was devastated, I was losing another baby! I called the Regional Director at Health and Welfare and cried on her shoulder. I just didn't understand how they could send him home when the parents hadn't done anything to get him back! She had sympathy, but there was nothing she could do. In the end, all decisions are made by the judges, and this judge went against the recommendations of the department. She gave me the number of another foster parent who only took babies, so she had a lot of experience letting babies go, and might be able to help me. I never did call her, and maybe I should have, just to have that connection, that support. Instead, I internalized, and started developing my own way of getting through the letting go phase...ask for more kids!

So I got Lainie. She was 13, and a troubled girl. They told me I could expect trouble from her, and that she was a poor student, and that they hoped it would work out in our home, but nobody expected it to. Wow, what a way to meet someone, having all those preconceived notions...and this was the first of many who would come to me this way, with me expecting the worst. I don't know if that's good or bad.

When I was in college, one of my professors often quoted one study they'd done with teachers. They took a 40 kids who were all at the same level academically, and behaviorally, and split them in two groups. They told teacher A she was getting a class of high achievers, good kids. They told teacher B she was getting low achievers with behavior problems. Teacher A tried new teaching strategies, and challenging lessons in her class, and concentrated very little on classroom management, assuming she would have no problems anyway. Teacher B focused on classroom management and social skills and kept to the outlined curriculum for the class. In the end, teacher A's student excelled, and teacher B's students performed lower than normal. The point of this was that people perform to your expectations. So is this any way to bring a new child into your home? I don't have an answer. On the one hand, you do need to know their behavior history so you won't be blind-sided if they continue that behavior in your home. On the other hand, the kids do perform, quite often, to our expectations. Like with the twins...we didn't know they were still strictly on a bottle, we assumed at their age they'd be on solids and using a cup, so that's what we gave them, and they began to thrive.

Back to Lainie...we'd never been given a kid and told to expect trouble, so we treated her like any other kid in our home. All the same rules applied. She wasn't being watched closer than the others, she was expected to do her best in school, and she was expected to participate in the family. Her first week there, she told us she hated little kids, but she still played with Barbie dolls, and she had an excuse every night for not being able to help clean up the kitchen.

Well, we just let the "I hate little kids" thing drift off in the air with no response. It didn't take long before she was playing Barbies with Annie. In fact, she got quite close to Annie, and protective of her. With the cleaning thing, we let her get away with it the first night, but the second time she did it, I just kind of shrugged and said, "that's OK, the bathroom is close to the kitchen if you need to vomit. You were well enough to eat, so you should be well enough to put the dishes in the dish washer and wipe the counters." She tried a few more times with the same response, then gave up and did her job with no complaints.

Right after she'd moved in, we sat down and had a family meeting of sorts, and went over the house rules. The other girls helped, and so it was more of a discussion about expectations than anything. The girls actually did most of the talking. They were the ones who stressed to her that school was a big thing. They knew we expected them to try hard, do their best, and ask for help when they needed it, and if they didn't do those things and came home with bad grades, they lost privileges. One of those was the TV in their room that they all shared. So they were good at helping each other out during homework hour every day, and keeping their grades up to the best of their ability so they wouldn't lose their TV. (It only had an antennae on it, so it's not like they'd lose much, but it was important to them.) So what do you think Lainie did? She got straight A's. Everyone who'd known her before was shocked. We didn't even do anything, she was just naturally good in school, never asked for help, and did quite well. You know, two years later when she moved to an adoptive family, they asked her what made the change in her academics, and she told them it was simply that suddenly people believed in her.

After that, I became even more conscious of how we treated kids when they came, and tried to make sure we always kept our expectations high and positive rather than sitting around waiting for them to display whatever bad behavior we were told they'd have. Most of the time, this works.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

To Quote My 3-Year-Old

2006-10-17T08:36:00.000-06:00

"OK, OK, JEEZ!"

I'm back to continue my story. Is anyone out there reading it? I guess, at the very least, this has been very therapeutic for me. So where were we...Annie just came back. Imagine this, she's three...she left eight months earlier...really, before that, she'd only lived with us for four months. I thought there was no way she'd ever remember us. But when they brought her home, she ran into my mom's arms (I was at work) and lay her head on my mom's shoulder and stayed there for 20 minutes. The case worker was in tears. Annie was home, where she belonged. Granny then brought her to me at work, and she did the same thing with me. I was in tears, my friends and co-workers were in tears. Kneesaa was bawling. Stacie had tears in her eyes. Even Allee, who had never met Annie, was in tears. My baby girl was home. I don't even know how to convey what that feels like because most people don't go through this, their child leaving for good, then unexpectedly coming back, all at the age of three. I always felt like Annie was supposed to be mine, she had so many traits that reminded me of me at a young age. When they took her away, I was genuinely shocked, and my mind and body couldn't fathom how they could take away a child who was so obviously meant to be with me. So when she came home, I knew she was meant to be with me forever.

Now, Health and Welfare was looking at this in an entirely different light. There's this called the Adoptions and Safe Families Act designed to keep kids from hanging around in foster care for years and years with no sense of permanence. I'll try to explain how this works...when a child comes into foster care, basically, a clock starts ticking. When that child has been in care for 15 of the last 22 months the buzzer goes off, the court and Department of Health and Welfare are supposed to seek a permanent placement for that child, which often means terminating parental rights so the child can be adopted. In fact, they are only supposed to forgo termination if they have a compelling reason not to terminate.

When Annie was in my care the first time, the buzzer had gone off, and it was time to terminate. Part of that termination was posting in the newspapers to inform the father, who had been unattainable the whole time she'd been in care, so he had a fair shot to fight termination. Unexpectedly, he finally came forward after not coming forward for nearly two years. Because he suddenly came forward, he had an opportunity to work a case plan and get her back. She went to live with him under protective supervision, and when he showed that he also could not protect her and care for her, and he endangered her life, she came back to us. But she had been with him just long enough, we had to reset the clock, and wait another 15 months to start the termination process again. Basically, what this did was put her chance for permanence off for two more years.

So 15 months later, when she was five years old, a termination hearing was scheduled. The dad was terminated immediately for abandonment. The mom was fighting it. And she fought hard. Even though she hadn't worked her case plan, and after the things she did to Annie when Annie was only a toddler, just over a year old, this woman was fighting, and expecting apologies and such. It actually came down to the fact that it had been so long, and the case so drug out, the ADA and H&W were starting to feel like she would win her case. I was in denial. There was no way this woman could get my Annie after what she did. Then, a year later, after several court dates, and months of anguish, termination was granted. Annie was now six. However, the birth parent has 42 days to appeal, and she did.

The appeal was worse than the termination. There were no court dates, only silence. Basically, the case file goes to another judge who reviews it and makes a ruling. Sounds simple enough. But appeals for termination cases don't seem to take priority over...well...ANYTHING! Every month I would ask our case worker, have you heard anything? Every month she'd tell me no. She actually started to get defensive with me about it after a while. When we'd been waiting over a year (Annie was then 7) I asked one day, and this is what she said. "Our judge is very busy. He's handling the case where that guy cut off his wife's head." Now, I'm not cold hearted or uncaring about others, but this was my response, "She's dead, she can wait. That just happened, and we've been waiting over a year to go on with our lives. How is her death a priority over a little girl's future?" That didn't go over very well, and the case worker ended her visit about then.

Well, here we are, October 2006. Annie will be 8 in two and a half months. She's been in foster care since she was 18 months old. Last month we finally got a ruling on the appeal...it was in our favor. We've been holding our breath for 34 days now, hoping birth mom doesn't appeal. We have 8 more days. If we get through the next week with no appeal, I finally get to adopt her, and bring some closure to all this. She needs this, wants this, and is now worried something else will happen to crush her dream. She only really knows me as her mom. I've been there for her since she can remember. She knows about her other mom, and who she is, but she also knows what her other mom did to her, and that when the time is right, we will find her again, and she can ask her why and whatever else she wants to ask. But right now, my little girl needs to be safe and secure, and know that this home is for sure and legally her forever home.

Now I realize that I skipped ahead to give you the details of Annie's wait in foster care, but I think it works. Next time I'll go back to when she came home and give you more about what was happening within the Angel Retreat. Thanks for continuing to read on.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Bringing Up the Past

2006-10-12T13:25:00.000-06:00

This is Harder than I Thought it Would Be!

I finished writing my post yesterday thinking I'd be all psyched up to continue the story today about getting Annie back...what a happy memory! But instead, I'm having trouble getting myself to go back to the story just yet. See, right now we are at a good and happy time, but knowing what I know, it's very hard for me, as you will see later down the line. I love my girls, and I miss them, and I love thinking about them, and it puts me in quite a melancholy mood.

When I got home from work last night to house full of chaos: screaming, fighting, tantrums, and outright defiance...well, it was a tough snap back to reality I guess. I'd spent the day rejoicing in thoughts of days gone by, and wasn't ready to leave it all behind. For the first time in my life, the chaos brought me to tears. The memories were too vivid at that moment, and my mind couldn't handle the present.

Please don't get me wrong...I love my kids dearly, I wouldn't be adopting most of them if I didn't. Just, some days, I long for the fun family of teenage girls who lived with me four years ago. I know we will get there again someday with this gang...they have quite a bit of growing to do first, and I cherish all the moments of their babyhood, childhood right now. But there are just days when I wish instead of going to soccer practice to watch Annie act like a monkey down at the goal rather than play the game we were settling down at the kitchen table to play a long drawn-out game of Phase 10, or talking about Homecoming plans.

I guess this is the dangers of parenting in the foster care system...especially when it's the only kind of parenting you've ever done. I did it backwards. First I had the teens and high school drama...now I have potty training, terrible two's, soccer practice, swim lessons, and learning to read.

I don't mean to whine...I always say, don't whine at me, talk to me like I'm just another human being...I just got caught up in the memories. And my mind also knows whats coming in the story, and I may be a little reluctant to get there, to drudge up that pain again.

I did want to say this though, I'm finally there in the story...right after we got Annie back, we decided to name our home. I don't even know why. Granny and I had gone back to NM for a friend's wedding, and we were driving around, visiting old haunts, seeing the sights again, and as we drove down one of my favorite roads, full of huge old haciendas, horse ranches, beautiful scenery, and reading the names of these places, I started thinking about our little home in Idaho. I thought about how my kids were like Angels finding a place to land in our hearts...and I burst out with, "We should call our home the Angel Retreat." And ever since, that's what we are. Oddly enough, we even get junk mail now addressed to the Angel Retreat. (I;m not sure how that happened.) I'll try to get myself prepared to continue with my story when I get back on Monday...see ya then.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

The Brady Bunch..Sorta

2006-10-11T09:10:00.000-06:00

Summer 2002

By the middle of summer in 2002, we felt like a family, and I felt like I'd been doing this forever, not just over a year. We developed a game to play with the girls to give them an opportunity to earn rewards. See, we're big fans of two reality TV shows: Survivor, and Big Brother. So we started giving the girls Big Brother Challenges. Like, for instance, we obtained chop sticks from a local Chinese restaurant, and played Egg-Foo-Young...first they had to hold an egg with their chop sticks and run a specific pattern in the yard, handing the egg off to the next like in a relay. Then they had to use their chop sticks to tie their shoes (which rhymes with foo), and last they had to hold a piece of sidewalk chalk with the chop sticks and write their name on the driveway (they are young). All this had to be done in a certain amount of time. For this they earned dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant.

I guess, in going back and writing about my life as a foster parent, it's making me look at all the things I did with my girls that made our house a family rather than just a foster home. Like I said, I often look back at these times with my girls and wish it were still like that. I long for my family, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that our time together was so short. And never since that time have we had that same feeling of family in our home.

So that summer, we were blessed with three more kids...boys. They were younger, one a toddler, Hank, and the other two brothers, 6 and 8, Owen and Ivan. Of course, the girls and I instantly fell in love with Hank. It's really hard not to immediately fall in love with the babies! And I suppose that's best, because they are at a crucial developmental stage when they learn to love and be loved, and they need their caregivers to do just that. The brothers were a bit more of a challenge. They'd been in another foster home who couldn't handle them anymore, and the deal was, they were waiting for all the red tape to be gone through to get moved to a relative in another state. We took them and were told it would be for about a month.

Owen and Ivan have a place in my heart that probably nobody else can go. They were very special boys who needed so much! And yet, they were near impossible to handle. The younger one, Owen, would get in so much trouble, the year before while he was with his last foster parents, he'd been kicked off the school bus indefinitely...on the first day of school. And he was only in kindergarten. Ivan was different, he was a charmer. People thought he was an angel. But if you listened at their bedroom door, you could hear him telling Owen to do things that would only get Owen in trouble. You could hear him saying things that would send Owen into a rage. Has anyone seen the Omen? J/K J/K

Anyway, a month turned into two, and suddenly we were registering the boys for school. Hank was doing well, catching up...he was nearly two, and we had to teach him to eat solid food, walk, and start making talking sounds. Allee especially fell in love with him, and worked with him a lot. I think he was as good for her as she was for him. Owen and Ivan were starting to wear our patience thin. We actually had to start putting them in respite care almost every weekend towards the end of their stay with us. By mid September, I was hounding their case worker almost daily to see where things were with getting them to their relatives. (They were with us into October.)

This brought about a new feeling for me. I loved these boys, and I still think about them often. I hope they are well, and have found their place in the world. But I found myself needing them to move on, and I was conflicted...how do you feel that way about someone you love...about a child? The mom in Florida, who wants to unadopt her adopted son...I understand that. When you have kids who are emotionally and physically destructive, you have to start thinking about a bigger picture. You have to think about everyone in the home, and what's going to be best for all. Owen and Ivan needed a smaller family, people who could spend a lot more one on one with them. Not all kids do well in large families, and we would always be a large family. Some kids are going to need special care that will involve therapy, even psycho-therapy, and medications, and a house full of people will only over-stimulate them and hinder any progress they could make in a less populated house.

Now, to add to my feelings of conflict over finally getting these kids moved to their relative, in the years since, I've kept track of them. They eventually ended up back in Idaho in foster care because the relatives used corporal punishment, and probably went a little further than spanking. Then I found them on Wednesday's Child, looking for an adoptive home. My guilt grew because I knew the chances of them being adopted at their age was slim, of staying together even slimmer. But I have to keep telling myself I did the right thing for my family...they were never going to stay with us permanently anyway, I just pushed to speed up the process of getting them moved to their relatives.

But before they left, something very exciting happened...Annie came home. She'd been gone 8 long months, and that August, she was home again. I'll tell you more next time.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Spin the Revolving Door

2006-10-10T08:41:00.000-06:00

Time for Another Change

Later that Spring, it's now 2002, Carly was being moved to a relative who would be very good for her. We were happy to see her finding a permanent home with someone who loved her and wanted to do what was best for her. At the same time this was happening, there was a 16 year old girl in another foster home who we had had in respite several times. We'd grown close to her, and always loved having her spend time with us. The foster home she was in was having troubles, and the kids were all being moved out, so we took Allee.

This was an interesting placement for us. Allee came to us with the understanding that she would one day be moving back to an adoptive placement in another state where she had been with some of her siblings before being sent back to Idaho. The idea had been that she and the adoptive family needed a break, to get a breath and a better look at things, and Allee would bring up her grades in school, then they would try again. So we knew when we got her that it would not be forever.

Stacie and Kneesaa were excited for Allee to move in. They also had enjoyed the time they'd spent with her, and were looking forward to living with her. Of course, being friends living in different homes is a lot different than being sisters living in the same home. It didn't take long for the girls to settle into sisterhood with all that comes with it. Territory disputes, clothing trauma, petty bickering, and good old sibling rivalry. But at the same time, they were protective of each other, they confided in each other, they were like real sisters. When I take time now to think back on my years doing foster care, this is the time I think back on the most, this is the time when I felt like we had a real family.

The girls became so much a part of me, and vice versa, it was like they'd always been there, and that they'd always been sisters. Our relationships with each other were dynamic and real. Granny and I wanted to share them with everyone, so we planned a trip to Arizona to meet our extended family. We had so much fun taking them to all our favorite places, and introducing them to everyone. They took lots of pictures, and to this day they still talk about that trip.

We were able to integrate these girls into our family, and make them a part of the lives of ALL our family, and I think that made a difference. It made them feel like they belonged, that they would always have us, and I felt like a need to be a mother was beginning to be satisfied. It was good for everyone. One thing that most foster children go through is a sense of isolation. They have been taken from everything and everyone they know, and put with a house full of strangers. Most often, they never feel a sense of belonging. They feel like an outsider, even when they live with one family for years. My whole family has been so great and supportive of my work with kids that they help me help the kids. They accept them and make them part of their lives too. Most of our kids are able to find at least one person within my family to form a bond. By forming that bond, they attach themselves in a permanent sense of belonging, because after that, no matter where they go or what they do, they know that bond is there. All people need to feel that. It's what makes us belong. Otherwise, we'd all be floating around out there, not belonging anywhere, feeling lost and alone.

I have to say, my girls made me feel like I had someone to live for as much as my family did that for them. As foster parents, it's not all about being a saint and savior to a bunch of poor souls who'd be lost forever without us. It's about making our own connections and finding our way in life too. I learn just as much from my kids as they do from me. When I think back to how I got started in all this, I have to wonder where I'd be and what I'd be doing right now if it weren't for them!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Trying Something New...Again

2006-10-04T15:37:00.000-06:00

beta Blogger...sounds like a diet pill...

Anyway, I thought I'd mention it. I guess I switched my blog over to beta, and being only somewhat computer savvy, I have no idea what that means. I was actually scared to do it. I thought for sure, with my luck, it would throw everything out of wack and I wouldn't be able to fix it. Afterall, there was a warning that you can't take it back, once you switch, it's for good!

Something else is on my mind. Being somewhat new to all of this. I notice a lot of people will occasionally mention sites they use to gain traffic on their blog. I use Blog Mad and Blog Explosion, and I like them well enough. Is there some rule I missed, though, saying you have to mention these once in a while? If so, here goes.

Blog Mad is awesome!

Blog Explosion, what a gift!

Don't forget to donate to the cause. We're poor, and our kids are hungry! :-)

Child Welfare Reform

2006-10-04T09:15:00.000-06:00

Focus in Foster Families Today is "Reforming the Child Welfare System to Benefit Children"

How foster care is paid for can be quite confusing. Every state does it different, and each state utilizes federal funds for their child welfare programs. In some states, foster parents are considered employees, and are well compensated for their work with children, but receive no other monetary assistance than their monthly reimbursement. Of coarse, that monthly check is meant to be enough to cover the entire cost of raising the children in their home. In other states, like Idaho, foster parents are considered volunteers, and are reimbursed at a very low rate (Don't quote me, but the last time I looked, Idaho foster families were in the bottom five in the nation for reimbursement for their work. We don't do this for the money!). However, we do get additional assistance in buying clothing, and diapers.

But that's just the foster parent end of things. Child Welfare funds pay for the social workers who manage the cases, medical expenses, transportation, court costs, programs to prevent abuse and neglect aimed at keeping the children safely in their own homes rather than putting them in foster care, and a plethora of other things. The federal funds are split in two categories, Title IV-E, and Title IV-B. Now, my understanding of this is, Title IV-B funds are specifically for prevention and reunification programs, and all children and families are eligible for these funds. Title IV-E funds are dedicated to foster care and adoption assistance, and some children, depending on their biological parents' income, are not eligible for these funds. At present, 65% of federal funding goes to foster care, 22% of federal funding goes to adoption assistance, and 11% of federal funding is used for prevention and reunification services. (Confused yet?)

So the problem lies in that the states don't have flexibility to use funds in ways to increase prevention, help the families who are at risk become more stable and safe, because such a large portion of the funds are distributed under Title IV-E. You see, if a family makes just a few dollars more than the poverty line, they don't qualify for IV-E. And, these funds are allocated for foster care services. How do we make changes to this system without jeopardizing useful and needed programs?

The September/October 2006 edition of Foster Families Today focuses on Child Welfare Reform. In the article "President Bush's Proposal: Flexible Funding for Child Welfare" by Jerry Foxhaven, the director of the Joan and Lyle Middleton Children's Rights Center at the Drake University School of Law, he quotes one recommendation from the Pew Commission on Children in Foster Care, "give states new flexibility to use nearly half of all current federal IV-E expenditures as they see fit to meet the unique needs of the children in their care." This would free up some of the money to be used when and where needed instead of that money being available only for specific pre-outlined uses.

President Bush has proposed the Child Welfare Program Option. As described in the same article, "The President's Program Option is designed to give states complete flexibility in the use of federal child welfare funds, with less documentation and compliance requirements, but continues outcome measures to ensure child safety protections. The proposal is voluntary. States have the option to "elect in" or "elect out" for a five-year period. However, states could not change their election choice during that five-year period. States that do not select the option will continue operating under the current IV-E entitlement program. States selecting the Program Option would receive annual grants during the five-year time period based upon their previous IV-E eligibility claims, with funding increased equal to the projected growth in foster care spending. An emergency fund is created to allow additional funding to states exercising the option in the event of an unusual increase in foster care caseload or unemployment rates."

Ok, so this was sounding reasonable to me, but I kept thinking..."Bush's idea, what's the catch?" I think Bush has an intention to help, but in his own narrow Republican mind, probably doesn't see the big picture. From the same edition of Fostering Families Today, I found this in the article "Increase Support for the Nation's Most Vulnerable Children" by Joe Kroll who is involved with the North American Council on Adoptable Children, or NACAC. "A better way to ensure that abused and neglected children who cannot live at home are looked after...is to preserve federal foster care maintenance and adoption assistance as an entitlement and to use Title IV-B and Title IV-E administrative and training funds to create an indexed, block-granted fund for prevention, treatment, reunification, post-permanency services, and other assistance out of Title IV-B and the administration and training portions of Title IV-E. This innovative funding idea was recommended by the Pew Commission on Children in Foster Care....Congress should (also) build in a "snap-back" provision that would be triggered if the block grant was ever reduced. This would guarantee that the IV-E administration and training provisions would revert to their former open-ended entitlement status if the block grant were ever reduced. As child advocates know from having watched the Title XX Social Services fund diminish by one-third since 1981 after it was block-granted in 1981, protections must be built in when fixed, predetermined allocations for child welfare are made to child welfare funding." He goes on to say, "There are risks in moving to flexible child welfare financing. States may be asked to fall back on Temporary Assistance for Needy Families funds that come in a fixed amount and are marked mainly for family economic self-sufficiency, not child welfare. Block granting could pit workforce and training needs against access to a greater range of services for children and families. In spite of the challenges, the time has come for greater flexibility and accountability in child welfare financing. That doesn't mean, however, that child advocates should embrace President Bush's proposal. We must continue to advocate for flexibility with the proper levels of protection and support for vulnerable children and their families."

So my point is, there are a lot of people out here who want only to see improvement in the lives of children in our country. But there are even more people out there who have no conception of the real problems that exist, and our child welfare system is hindered in ways that need fixing. There do exist organizations which are studying the problems and working out solutions, but the federal government wants to make it's own solutions. What we need is someone in the government looking at the issue from this side in order to make better recommendations that will produce long-lasting solutions rather than short-term fixes.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Moving On

2006-10-02T11:31:00.000-06:00

Then There Were Two...No, Make that Three Again

It started to seem that we had a revolving door. Kilee left, and here was Carly. Carly was only 12, so kind of a pre-teen. But, she was trouble. She had the body of a 17 year old girl, and not the maturity to handle it. I couldn't let her hang out anywhere without some kind of parental supervision. I suddenly felt like a jailer instead of a parent. And Carly had an attitude to go along with her body! I found myself wondering how I'd gotten to this point. A year before I was getting my first child, a baby, and the experience was wonderful. Here I was going into my second year as a foster parent, and I had no babies, or even young children. I had three teenage girls, all with their own niche in the teenage world of woes bundled up with a life time of problems from being abused and neglected.

I didn't feel prepared for this. Social workers kept telling me they loved what we were doing with the girls, our home was like magic. But I felt I was missing something. My parenting skills didn't get to grow up with anyone. I went from babyhood to teenagerville in the blink of an eye. But at the same time that I felt unprepared, I was also having fun. Each of the girls caused me their own special brand of trouble, but we mostly had a happy life. I'm not like most foster parents who have already raised children of their own so have a base of skills to draw from. I was a first time parent, so I was drawing on personal experience as a former teenager to parent these teens.

In our house, we don't make the kids do endless chores, it's simple: keep your room clean, strip your bed on Mondays, put your laundry in the laundry room on Tuesdays, help clean the kitchen after dinner, and we all have one room in the house to clean on Saturdays. We also don't want kids having too much time to dwell alone in a room by themselves, so they can't hole up in their rooms until after 7:00 pm every day. We like to play games, Phase 10, Aggravation, Hearts, Sequence...these are our favorites. The girls enjoyed learning the games, and became quite good at them. We spent a lot of time with these three teens at the kitchen table playing games. I also love movies, so we took the girls to a lot of movies. In foster care, kids can't get a driver's license, ride in cars with driver's under 18, or have too much unsupervised activity. We tried to make up for this by taking them to festivals, movies, malls, whatever we could find so they weren't cooped up in the house all the time.

Maybe it was good that I was a first-time parent in some ways. I didn't really feel old enough to be the parent of teens, so I may have identified with them a little more than someone older with more parenting experience. I don't know. Whatever it was, it was working. And for that reason, I kept getting calls to take more teens. And for a very long time, that was what I loved, and what I thought I wanted. So much so that it led to my first two adoptions.

Getting back to Carly...she, Kneesaa, and Stacie got along fine, until one night when all three girls were in trouble. They'd taken advantage of our trust, and got in pretty big trouble. It was the first time Kneesaa and Stacie had been in trouble in the six months they'd been with us. They weren't happy, but took their consequences with a grain of salt, and went to their room. Carly, on the other hand, had only been with us a little over a month, and was still settling in. She let her temper flair up, and puffed up her chest and took a threatening stance in front of Granny. Strangely enough, this act led to a wonderful realization.

When Kneesaa and Stacie saw Carly threaten Granny, they came out of their room. Stacie actually got between Carly and Granny. "This is our home, and you will not hurt my Granny." It was the first time either of the girls had verbalized their emotions about our home. It was almost as if the seriousness of what had happened that night melted away in the glow of joy at hearing Stacie defend our home. It was amazing in a way that is so hard to explain. Carly backed down and went to bed. We didn't have anymore trouble with her from then until she left about 2 months later.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Let's Not Forget...

2006-09-27T08:42:00.000-06:00

Who Came and Left During Annie's Time!

So I told you a brief telling of the first time we had Annie. But there were others during that time...well, one other. The last mention of the teenagers was when Emily left and Beth came in. Beth was a sweet, tuff girl. She was probably gang affiliated, but she wanted to be loved. We loved her. Not to say the other girls did. I think they felt threatened by Beth's tuff exterior. Here we had Kneesaa, who was sweet and squishy...girlie, and wanting to turn her life around. We had Stacie, who was tom-boyish, and quiet, and wanting to go home, and then we had Beth, who was tuff, and pretty, and tuff, and didn't want to go anywhere.

Beth doted over Annie. Called her her baby girl. It's funny to watch the kids when they come in and see who they bond with, attach too, or align with. She chose the 2 year old. But she also enjoyed the banter with my mom and I. She was just kind of fun to have around. It's too bad she and the other girls didn't hit it off. She got back at them for not liking her by stealing, and wearing, their underwear. Kind of odd, different, but funny too.

She only lived with us for a month. And after she left, we didn't have anyone come or go for two months. Then came Kilee. Kilee left a lasting impression on our lives, like a tattoo...sometimes it's fun to look at, sometimes you wish you could get it off. This girl had some serious mental issues, and nobody thought she'd stick around as long as she did. H&W figured she'd run from our house, then they could put her in detention. But she didn't run. In fact, she was the first kid to call me mom.

From day one she infiltrated our lives...wow, someone wants to call me mom. Up to then, the kids had all called me by my name. It felt different, nice. She was clingy. This was new too. And she asked for help with homework, advice on clothes, snuggled with us to watch movies. None of the teens to this point had gotten this close...in any sense. Of course, Kneesaa and Stacie, ever in competition for whatever they thought they were missing, began to get closer too. Kneesaa more than Stacie. Suddenly, we were having so much fun with these teens. I starting to think this was my calling. I became an advocate for teens in the foster care system, fighting for better programs for them, and educating other foster parents on the need for caring homes for them. Besides Annie, my world was high school, and make-up, and boys, and clothes.

Christmas was a blast. My first Christmas as a mom, and it was everything I wanted it to be. The kids embraced the traditions of my family, and we made some of our own. We went caroling in our neighborhood, we dressed up as angels and took a family Christmas picture for our greeting cards. It was truly magical.

Then, of course, in January Annie left. And right after that, Kilee became a different person. She suddenly hated us. She was mad all the time. Then we found out that she'd sent a letter to her judge telling a bunch of lies about us. She told him we made her eat moldy left-overs, and that we put pubic hair in her food. This was the part about foster care I hadn't been prepared for.

Kids who grow up in abusive or neglectful situations learn skills most of us don't have. They lose the ability to truly love anyone new in their life, and to survive without love, they learn to be the best liars and manipulators you've ever met. The good times with Kilee were all an act. She was pretending. And when she was tired of it, she tried to hurt us. And she really had no emotion about it at all. She just wanted to move on, and it didn't matter who she hurt in the process, because she didn't care about anyone. (Not even herself.) And so Kilee left.

But she left that lasting impression. I can look back to the fun we had and smile, and I can also look back to the hurt she caused and cry. When I hear her favorite song on the radio, I sing, snarl, my skin crawls, and my heart aches. Every time...to this day, that song turns me into a tied up mess of knots. It's because I loved her, and part of me still does. And I still advocate for teens in foster care!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Welcome to the World!

2006-09-26T18:36:00.000-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDON, IT'S SO GOOD TO FINALLY MEET YOU!

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OK, so this is working today, and now you can see my grandson. I think he's winking at the world to let them know he's alright and glad to be here!

It's nice to remember all the miracles that happen out there to remind you that things aren't so bad. We will get past the rough times, and be able to enjoy life. Children, no matter what grief they may be causing at any given time, are indeed miracles! Every one of them...though maybe some more than others. :-) "J/K, J/K" as one of my angels would say!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

So I Haven't Lost My Mind Afterall!

2006-09-26T11:25:00.000-06:00

How mentally ill are you

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Back to Our Story

2006-09-26T09:50:00.000-06:00

Enter: Annie

I just realized I moved away from my story just when one of the most important players was about to enter. Annie was my first adoptive placement. They called me in September and told me they had two girls, one was 6 months old, and the other was 2 years old, and both were headed for adoption. Was I interested? Of course. Admittedly, I was more interested in the younger girl, a baby! And I was sure I already knew the 2 year old. I took care of her over Easter weekend for the foster family that had her at that time. She was a hellian (sp?), and I knew she was possibly fetal alcohol affected. I wasn't sure I really wanted her. I was new to this, and her problems scared me.

Well, I was selected as a preadoptive parent...for the 2 year old. I was excited, and scared. Could I handle her problems? (Mind you, this is the child I spoke of yesterday who is making me tear my hair out right now.) I decided I could. In all honesty, I think my immediate motives were that I wanted a child of my own, and I was taking what I was offered. My view on things back then was much different than it is now. But I have to say, it was the best decision I ever made in my life, no matter what my reasons were at the time. Because now I love this child more than anything and would give my life for her. I wasn't lying when I told her I couldn't love her any more than I do now even if she were my natural child.

When they brought her to my home, she was tiny. She was actually 2 1/2 years old and wore clothes size 18-24 months. But she was very capable. She was also very smart...so smart that she had to see a speech therapist. I was told she had a speech problem that we would probably have to deal with for the rest of her life. What it turned out to be was English in Fast Forward. She was talking so fast nobody could understand her. When she was asked to slow down, she spoke beautifully. I was also told the last two foster families had tried to potty train her to no avail. She was potty trained for us in two weeks time. Within two months, she'd stopped biting, kicking, and pulling hair at daycare. It was like she was meant to be with us, and all the pieces were falling into place for her.

Then, when they started the process to terminate parental rights, everything fell apart for us again. Her bio-dad came out of the woodwork and wanted her. We'd had her 5 short months, and suddenly she was leaving. It was like my first loss all over again. Annie was supposed to be mine, live with me forever, be my daughter. And they took her away. The mood in our home changed. Here it was, mid-January, and the afterglow of the holidays was snuffed out. Now it was just cold, desolate winter. Very depressing for me.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

It's Monday...Right?

2006-09-25T14:51:00.000-06:00

It's Starting to be My Favorite Day!

I know, it sounds crazy, but the last few weekends have been endlessly horrific, and all I could think about the whole time was, is it Monday yet? Can I get out of this asylum and go back to work now? Then, to top it off, my Niners are NEVER going to come out of this funk. Or so it seems. That game was horrid. Every time I thought they were going to make a comeback, somebody would pinch me awake and we'd be out of it again. Oh, and then I go surfing on Blog Mad and hit a blog all about the Eagles.

But the game wasn't what made the weekend what it was. I am just so tired. These kids are all possessed by Satan. The Demon Seed is no longer inhabiting just one child at a time, but all at once. Annie is grounded, and instead of trying to make things better and get out of trouble, she just keeps digging herself in deeper. Then, yesterday, she tells me she just wants to be part of the family. Well, what do you say to that. I lost it. I wanted to tell her that anyone who didn't love her would never have kept her for the last 5 years and put up with her irrational and impulsive behavior, her rages, her tantrums! But I didn't. Not that I think I was much more eloquent than that, but at least I didn't tell her two other foster homes actually DID give her up because of her behavior. No, I just reminded her that I was adopting her because as far as I was concerned she was as much my natural daughter as anyone could be. Nothing would ever make me stop loving her. She was a part of this family the minute she walked through our door the very first time, and always would be. This is part of foster care and adoption...constant reasurance.

But right now, I think I'm the one who needs that reassurance. Well, I need the Demon Seed to reside in someone else's home at least for a while, anyway. Remind me why I do this? (I look at the pictures on my desk.) That's right, look at their sweet faces. (Try not to see the red glow in their eyes.) I can't share pictures with you...confidentiality and all. Maybe someday.

So tell me to keep my chin up. "Keep your eye on the prize," is what my English Educ. professor always told me. Look for the light at the end of the tunnel. All that stuff. TGIM!

Oh, here's something I can share...Kneesaa and baby are doing well.
Well, I was going to share a photo of my grandson, but for whatever reason, I can't get it to load right now. Maybe next time!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

My Artistry!

2006-09-21T16:12:00.000-06:00

What do you think about my drawing....I guess right now I'm having some fun with this whole blogging thing. I hope you enjoy it too!

Here's Somthing Interesting...

2006-09-21T14:44:00.000-06:00

Take a Peek at This!

I was clicking through postings at BlogMad and found this. What can it hurt...obviously if I'm willing to do foster care, I'm willing to try new things!

Try it!

I'm So Worried About Kneesaa

2006-09-21T08:47:00.000-06:00

I'd Give Anything to Be Able to go Be With Her!

My baby is so depressed right now. Ten days ago, she had a baby boy, I told you about him. Well, he's still in the hospital. They still have him hooked up to a feeding tube. Everyone keeps telling me he's getting better and will be able to go home soon, but then I hear he'll be there a few more days.

In the mean time...Kneesaa is very depressed. Here she is, thousands of miles from all her friends and family, and none of us can afford to go be with her. Her baby was born early, and he's in a hospital 100 miles away from where she and her husband are living (with his mother). She can't hold him, and she's had trouble breast feeding him, and she's afraid to drive over there, so she can't take herself to the hospital to see him. Her mother-in-law called me yesterday. She said Kneesaa doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, just watches TV and cries. This is killing me. I'm her mom, and I can't be with her. She needs me. I feel like I'm failing her right now.

And the baby...I know I can't be everything to everyone, but I can't help but feel like he would get better if I were near, if I could support him and his mommy. I hate being broke all the time! I hate that Kneesaa lives so far away from us! I want my baby and grandbaby to come home!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Now, Where Were We?

2006-09-20T15:46:00.000-06:00

That's Right, Teenagers...

So there I was, caring for two teenage girls who were a born when I was 15 and 16 years old. All I could think was, when I was 15 and 16, I definitely did NOT want kids. In fact, at that time I was torturing my mom by telling her I would never give her grandchildren. I wasn't actually trying to be cruel, I just didn't think I would ever want them.

I digress...ok, here we were, and I had to get them registered for High School. Wow, I went from changing diapers to registering kids in high school in 6 short months. I wasn't quite ready for that. I didn't even know these girls very well yet, let alone how to interact with their species. (Yes, I've determined that teenagerdom is a seperate species which most of us, though not all of us, evolve from.) Then, just a day before I was set to go on my annual trip to Reno with my best friend Angel, we got a call, they needed us to take another 14 year old girl. Good grief!

Of course we took her. I introduced myself, and left my mom to get her settled. It's not that I didn't want to get to know her before I left, but she came late at night, and we flew out the next day.

Angel and I had a great time in Reno. We won enough money on slots to have a pamper day...we both got perms. Then we returned home. My new teen, I'll call her Stacie, was not quite like the others. She wasn't girlie. In fact, I think most of her clothes were boys clothes. She was also very quiet, and stayed that way. I really didn't know how to talk to her. (I begged God for help at this point!)

But in the true nature of the ups and downs of foster care, Stacie barley had time to get to know everyone when Emily was moved to a relative in another town. And later that afternoon, another 13 year old girl came, we'll call her Beth. We hardly had time to catch our breath! We had two of the girls living in one bedroom, and Stacie had her own big bedroom, and we were all strangers.

Then, God answered my prayer, we got some training. The department sent us a letter telling us there was a training round starting in September. We signed up, desparate for information and resources. By this time, we felt like we were entertainment counselors on a deserted island where abused teen girls kept washing up on shore. I was beginning to wonder where all the other foster parents were out there. So we went to the training. It was good in that we got some information about resources for the kids, and we met some other foster parents (who were also relatively new) and I finally got to meet face to face with some of the social workers I'd only spoken with over the phone. But something we noticed pretty quickly was that not all foster parents across the state were getting the same training. Each region of the state was responsible for developing their own training curriculum. Unfortunately for us, that might mean we got only region specific information, or we might have missed some information that is given in other regions. So if you moved from one region to another, you might have to take the training all over because it was different. Why does this matter? Well, because if I were to move 15 miles away to the next town, I'd be in a different region. The community I live in incudes about 10 towns, 2 counties, and 2 seperate regions, all very close knit.

Six years ago, foster parent training and networking were in the dark ages. It was like cave times. Who knew if the world was flat or round because we didn't know others existed (other foster parents that is). I have to say, in the time I've been in this, it's changed a lot. Most states now prescribe to a foster and adoptive parent training curriculum called PRIDE. Also, most states now have a yearly foster parent training conference. In Idaho, it's split in three sessions and held in southern, central, and northern parts of the state. Much of our training is coordinated through the Idaho Child Welfare Training Center.

When I think back to that first summer/fall that I was doing foster care, and how little I knew, and how few people in the foster care community I knew, I can't believe we stuck with it! Now, I know a large number of the foster parents in the area, and even from across the state from attending trainings, and conferences. This is definitely not something you can do well if you are not getting involved!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

I Didn't Realize I'd Posted

2006-09-19T16:02:00.000-06:00

But While I'm Here...

Let's talk a little about what happens when you decide to adopt a child from foster care. First of all, this is not the way to go if you are wanting a baby. I really got lucky that I've managed to get two babies to raise from birth (or near birth), but that is not how it usually goes. Expect a child five or older.

What are special needs? Well, they range from a child older than 5 to a child with severe physical or mental incapabilities. Pretty much any child from foster care is considered a special needs child. From my experience, all the kids have one or more of the following going against them:
fetal alcohol exposure
fetal drug exposure
neglect
physical abuse
abandonment
sexual abuse
cognitive delays
malnutrition
mental abuse
parentification
emotional detachment
This is only a short list of what might be going on. And the best thing you can do with any of them is find a support group. The next thing is to become an expert on whatever ails them. The thing is, all these problems present themselves in behaviorally. Young children don't know how to express what is wrong, therefore act out. As kids with these afflictions age, especially the longer they stay in this situation, they don't learn how to manage the physical and emotional feelings they have, they become more detatched and less trusting.

Let's take Annie, for example. She's 7, and came to live with me when she was 2. We don't really know what she may have been exposed to in the womb, and we do know that she was exposed to severe trauma as an infant. She came into care at the age of 1 1/2, and lived in two other foster homes before I got her. After I got her, when we first started the process of terminating parental rights, she was suddenly taken to live with her long lost father. She came back 8 months later. She's been with me ever since.

Now, she's always had problems with impulse control, and she goes into rages, or temper tantrums, that can last upwards of 2 hours and include screaming, yelling, biting, hitting, kicking, punching, and throwing things. They never include tears. At almost 8 years old, these are still going on. There is some evidence from her different behaviors that she was exposed to alcohol in the womb though she does not have full fledged fetal alcohol syndrome.

We have worked diligently with Annie, and her counselor, and a string of PSR (psycho-social rehabilitator) workers, and we've seen improvement. Of course, we constantly have set backs, every time we think we've made some real progress we see ourselves falling back sometimes months, sometimes longer. But slowly we feel she is finding more and more ways to control herself.

So last week we got the news that we could finally move forward to finalize the adoption. She is so excited. And yet...she is doing the things we expect from kids who have been moved around much more than she has. She is testing our love for her. And it's getting bad. Every time I turn around she's hurting someone, or lying about something, or defacing something. She failed her spelling test...and she's always at the top of her class, very competitive. This is the part that makes you want to tear your hair out. This probably contributes to the overwhelming anxiety I mentioned earlier. This is what I've gone through with 3 other girls in my life. This is the part about foster care adoption you have to live through to get to you goal in the end.

Are you strong enough for it?

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

What's Going on Today

2006-09-19T08:57:00.000-06:00

Some Days You Wonder Why You're Doing It!

I'm going to take a break from the story of how we got where we are. Today is really hard for me, and when I start to tell you why, you're going to say, "you should be jumping for joy, not complaining!" A lot has been happening around my house the last few weeks, and I think I lost who I was this weekend. This happens sometimes in foster care because every day is high energy and chaos, there is very rarely a break unless you physically leave to take a break.

But most of what's been happening has been good, just very overwhelming. Right now there are five kids in my home. I have a teenage girl who will be aging out of care in 4 months, and she won't be staying with us after that. Many times when a kid ages out, they stay to finish school, or until college starts, or until they can get into their own place...whatever the plans are. But this one won't be staying, and I feel very conflicted about it, because it's the first time I've wanted one to leave right away. I've had trouble with some of the teens when they turn 18 and want to be adults and have no restrictions anymore, but most still recognize that they have something in our family as far as support and love. They hang out until we can help them move on in a more natural progressive way rather than running out as soon as they are emancipated. I don't want this one to stay, and she doesn't want to stay, and I know I'll be relieved when she leaves, and I feel guilty about it. She causes all kinds of trouble in our house with all the kids, she is openly defiant, and I'm exhausted. I'm afraid I'm burned out on this kind of behavior, and my patience has worn thin, and I can't do it with her. She's different from the others too because in her there is no sign that she cares at all. They all resist love and concern, but in their own ways they still accept it at some point and reciprocate in some way. This is not the case with her, and I'm tired of trying to get her to accept our love. She is the first kid I can say I think truly has no desire for it and no matter what I do she won't accept it. After two years with her, I have to let her go, and I feel bad because I'm at a point where I'm anxious to do so. God, please forgive me!

But then there is a plethora of good news! I have two elementary aged girls, and two toddler boys. When this teen leaves, I get to go back to a teenless home for a few years. I am excited about this! I think I need this change. But there's more. I'll start with the youngest. Andrew (this is not his real name, but will be some day) is almost two years old. He's lived with us for over a year now, and he is so cute! I've loved having him, teaching him, and growing a bond with him. I am going to adopt him, and we knew from the beginning that this was the most likely way this would go, but now the wheels of adoption have begun to move, and it's real.

The next youngest, Will, is not in foster care. He was. I got him when he was two days old, and was his foster parent until his second birthday when his mom got custody of him. But since then, he's lived with us almost full time. She has struggled, and tried very hard, but nearly a month ago, just before his third birthday, she gave up. She didn't want to, but she realized she couldn't be the mom he needs, and asked me to adopt him. So now those wheels are moving too. (That makes 2 adoptions in the works.)

The next is Annie, who is 7 years old. Again, this is not her legal name, but it will be. She came to me 5 years ago as an adoptive placement. But the courts have moved very slow in her case. Over 1 1/2 years ago, the judge finally ruled to terminate parental rights. Then her birth mom appealed the ruling. Last week we finally got that ruling back in our favor. So now we start the wheels turning on this adoption (five years later). This makes 3 adoptions in the works. (Holy Cow!)

The next girl, who we will call Alison, is older than Annie. She's been with us for 10 months. It looks like she may not be going home at all, but right now, everything is unsure in her case. So she lives with us, is part of our family, but is starting to have issues at being the only one not being adopted. We try to be very sensitive with her and make sure she knows she is still an equal member of our family, but there's still that underlying excitement with everyone else that can't be helped.

So besides the teen, where's my anxiety, you ask? I don't want to feel this way. I want to be on a cloud. But I never thought Will would ever be mine legally in every way, and I was beginning to think we'd never get to Annie's adoption. And now, they are both happening at once, and at the same time as Andrew's adoption, and my mind is going to explode. I can't breathe. I don't know which way I'm going half the time. And Annie is doing what most older kids who are being adopted do, she's testing my every limit. She wants to make sure I'm never giving her up. She's making my hair fall out. At this point, I think we'd all be better off if I could take a few days, alone, to relax, think, gather myself, and get control of my emotions so I do know which way I'm going. This is everything I wanted, but now that I'm getting it all at once, I don't know how to handle it.

I know, I know, poor me. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier about all this. And I know in the end, I'll survive, and we'll be one big happy family for it. I've never had this much good happen to me all at once. It is overwhelming!

I Love My Life!!!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Summer of No Return Part 2

2006-09-18T12:17:00.000-06:00

Teenagers?

One Saturday afternoon, late in the summer, we got a call from the intake worker at Health and Welfare. They had a teenage girl who needed a place to stay, temporarily, until a few things were worked out and she either went home or to her sister. I was actually scared. Babies were a good starting place, and the elementary aged boys had been a challenge. But teenagers?

"Is she trouble?" I asked.
"She seems very sweet, actually," the worker said. "It'll probably just be the weekend anyway."
"OK," I said.

They got to our house about an hour later. My mom, Joe and I were planning to go do some shopping, our house was still relatively new, and we were working on the front landscaping that day, and we were waiting for our new teenage girl to arrive before we left. When I opened the door, nervous, I found a small, withdrawn, blond haired girl. She was more nervous than I and didn't talk much at first. Her name was Kneesaa (pronounce knee - suh), and she was 15 years old.

It didn't take her long to start talking. She was full of nervous energy, and had been through a lot that week. I think she was relieved to be in a safe place, and the more she relaxed, the more she talked. It turned out she was quite a talker afterall...she even talks in her sleep! :-) We took her shopping for clothes and essentials, and took her to a movie, Angel Eyes. She fell in love with Joe, and he with her. By the end of the weekend, it was like she'd always been with us.

She didn't go anywhere the next week, or the week after that. (In fact, she never went anywhere, as you'll see if you keep reading.) But, just two weeks after she came to us, we lost Joe. My mom was on another trip, I believe to visit my brother, and I got a call from Joe's case manager that he'd be going to live with his great-grandmother while he awaited a move to an adoptive family in another state. I had to pack him up that night, and take all his stuff to the daycare with him the next morning. They'd be picking him up there. Kneesaa cried with me as we got all him belongings together that night. My best friend and hugest support, Angel, came over and we took Joe out to spoil him before he left.

Joe had been with us 5 months. He was my first baby, and I hated the way this was happening. Nothing about it seemed right. I kept thinking, how can it be better for him to live with an elderly couple than with a young mother? I understood that he would one day go to the adoptive family as they were related to him. But I didn't understand why I couldn't take care of him until that time came. And I always wondered what he thought when I dropped him off at daycare, then someone else came to get him, and he never saw me again.

I didn't have too much time to grieve. I got another call two days later. This time it was a boy. A 14 year old boy. I was wondering why I suddenly had no babies and was getting calls only for boys. This was crazy. What was I going to do with a teenage boy? But I took him. I'll call him Mac. Mac was crazy! And wonderful, and fun. He laughed all the time, and he never complained about helping me cut down the forest of weeds on our oversized side yard so we could put in grass. He and Kneesaa got along well. They liked having each other's company. Then, I got a call in the middle of the night, and they had a 14 year old girl for me. I took her too. We'll call her Emily.

I loved my new group of kids, they were fun, but I was somewhat sad that I didn't have babies anymore. Then, the day before my mom came home, something happened to Mac at his family visit, and they had to move him temporarily into a mental facility. Mac never came back to live with us. I only had him a few days, but he forged a permanent place in my heart! Since then, he has spent a lot of time with my family, had his picture on our wall, and will forever be one of my kids.

Summer ended. I found myself caring for two teenage girls, and little did I know what was in store, but I never did return to a home full of babies!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Summer of No Return Part 1

2006-09-13T08:23:00.000-06:00

How to be a Hero!

After the twins left, my mom took a vacation and spent a month traveling with her mom in Montana and Oklahoma. During this time, I got two more boys in care, who we will call Tim and Carl. These boys were older, 6 and 9, and I'm not sure I was prepared for that. The babies were easy to get used to, they were babies. These were older brothers who already had a lifetime of experience to make them who they were. They had developed a sibling relationship, and I was an intruder in their life.

I had to put them in daycare during the day because my mom was not there to watch them. They enjoyed that because they got to go on field trips, and be with a lot of other kids their own age. We'd get home after work, and I didn't know what to do with them. You have to remember, I'd never raised any kids before, and had no experience with the day to day of school age children. And these boys fought all the time. They fought over everything: the front seat in the car, who's baseball cap was who's, what to watch on tv, who touched who first...normal sibling stuff, but it was new to me as a parent. I was overwhelmed. I have siblings and while we were growing up we could fight with the best of them, but I never had to mediate or parent this behavior. And I didn't have the luxury of working up to this with them because they had not grown up in my home. I had Joe, who was in a routine, and he and I got along wonderfully. But Tim and Carl were a real challenge to me. I wanted my mommy!!!

Carl, the younger brother, once asked me why they were in foster care, and why they couldn't go home. Nobody had ever taught me how to deal with this emotion. (Still no training.) I didn't really know what to say to him because the reasons he and his brother were in care were vague. I tried to make it easy for him, I told him his parents had to work some things out, and until they did, they were having trouble being able to take care of him, so he was with me. He didn't really understand what I was saying to him. Honestly, I didn't know how to talk to a 6 year old, so poor Carl was stuck with a woman who couldn't seem to come down from a level of college academia! On top of that, he would tell me things his step-father had done to scare him, and I was appalled, didn't know how to react. I hadn't been told yet that I simply shouldn't react because I didn't want to make him feel bad about where he'd come from. Here we were, a woman with the wrong vocabulary, and a boy with life experience that far exceeded what any of us should ever experience.

One of my other challenges was needing to make meals every night. I have never proclaimed to be a cook, nor have I ever had the desire. And what kind of meals do young boys like anyway? Joe was easy, he was a baby. I was easy, I didn't always eat much at dinner. So I took Tim and Carl shopping for food. What I discovered was that they liked Hamburger Helper, Macaroni and Cheese, and other easy stuff like that. Kid food. I made a box of Hamburger Helper Lasagne one night, and Tim proclaimed that it was the best dinner he'd ever had. And he liked it even better the next night as leftovers. I was a hero.

I learned from these two guys that it doesn't take much to be a hero in a kid's eyes. I didn't do much more than give them a clean place to live with food on the table, and care about them. They didn't gush over me, but they felt comfortable and safe, and that's how I knew I'd done my job.

Tim and Carl only stayed with me for a month. In fact, the day mom came home was the day they left. She'd brought them some little drums and wooden flutes from her trip, and was able to give these gifts to the boys before they left. She was a hero. They loved the instruments, and they loved this woman they'd never met before for thinking of them.

She took a picture of them sitting on our front walk making music, and so started our picture wall. The picture was so telling that she also found one of Joe from when he first came, and she made 5x7's of each picture, framed them, and hung them in the hall. Since then, every child who has been with us for a month or more has had their picture hung in our hall. When Tim and Carl brought their mom over to meet us several months later, Granny (the name the kids had started calling my mom) showed them their picture, and they were proud to have it there. They are forever part of our hearts and home!

And again, we were down to just the two of us and little Joe. This second loss was just as hard for me emotional, but a bit smoother. I at least knew to expect it this time, and it was great when the boys came back to see me.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Our First Loss: Don't Do it Alone!

2006-09-12T09:07:00.000-06:00

Why Did They Have to Leave?

Just a little over a month after getting them, John and Jack were going home. This was very hard for us to understand. From where we stood, we couldn't see much change in the mom to warrant sending these precious gems back to that situation. And they were doing so well with us. In the short time we'd had them they were eating, with utensils, drinking from cups, starting to talk, learning to go to bed in a bed at bedtime, and getting their asthma under control. How could it possibly be better for them to leave us?

I think one of the hardest things for new foster parents to understand is that 99.9% of the biological parents love their children very much and especially in cases of neglect, never intended to hurt their children. I couldn't believe this mom could have loved her children and let them get to this stage of neglect. But she did love them. Unfortunately, she was young, and immature, and unaware of how to be a parent. She had other problems, and she needed help dealing with them. But just because someone is young and dumb does not mean they hate their children.

They called us on a Thursday afternoon. They'd had court that day, and everyone had expected the boys to stay in care another 6 months so mom could get her act together. What really happened was that the judge ordered the boys go home that day. I was amazed and speechless. This was our first experience with the unpredictability with the courts. I felt like someone was gripping my heart and squeezing the life out of me. I rushed out of work and went home to hug my boys. I especially felt sad saying goodbye to John because I knew he was getting the short end of the stick here. By this time we'd seen mom with the boys, and everytime, she'd rush in and scoop up Jack and hug and kiss on him, and expect John to just follow her back to the visiting room. The more we saw her ignore John, the more we coddled him. And now he was going back to live in that situation.

When the case manager drove up to get the boys I could hardly look at him. I picked up John, and my mom picked up Jack and we carried them outside. Jack was getting excited because he knew riding in this car meant going to play with his mom for an hour. John started crying because he'd come to hate being taken to see his mom. The harder he cried, the harder I cried. But I had to put him in the car and kiss him goodbye. Jack waved from his seat, oblivious to the pain his brother was suffering. John seemed to know he wasn't coming back this time. The social worker got in the car and drove away with my twins.

We went back in the house, and we were back to just the three of us. Little Joe looked lonely, as if he knew too. I looked around and cried as I thought, there'll be no more after dinner tag with the dog, no more bath time assembly line. And we only had each other because we didn't know anyone else who'd been through this. My advice to all foster parents is that it is crucial to build up a support network of people who've had the same experiences and they can help you through it. Get involved in the foster parent community, not just in your area, but across the nation.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Todays News!!

2006-09-11T12:17:00.000-06:00

We had a baby today!!

I realize I'm a little young for this, but I became a grandmother today of a little boy named Brandon. My daughter, Kneesaa, who you will learn more about as you read my continued story, and her husband, Steve, had their first child today. Things were a little scary for a while because Kneesaa was having problems which caused her doctor to do an emergency c-section and take the baby 5 weeks early. But mommy and baby are doing well. They should be able to go home in about 3 days. Congratulations Kneesaa! We love you so very much!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.