I haven't been on my blog for 2 years. But we're still alive and kicking. In the last 2 years I've completed my MA and continue to work at the college, but also after work, for a local company, using my education to tutor struggling readers. The kids have grown quite a bit. Everyone is in school now, and doing well. Annie, who now uses her first name, Dia, began playing competitive soccer a few years ago and is doing great! Will started football this fall...is he really that big? And can you believe Tiffany is a sophomore and wanting to take driver's ed? They are growing up so fast!
We've settled into life together, still have ups and downs, good days and bad days, but are overall happy in our little - big - family.
My mom, by the grace of God, is still with us and doing fairly well. She's as ornery as ever! Unfortunately, I haven't been well. Not too long after my last post, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and have been struggling to stay healthy. Most recently I've begun to have a problem with my hip and am walking with a cane. It's pretty disheartening.
But we're gearing up for Christmas again, and that always elevates every one's spirits. We just got the tags out for the Giving Tree yesterday. The Giving Tree is the project that myself and three other foster families have been working on every year for the past nine years. We elicit help from churches and businesses in our region to gather Christmas gifts for foster children. We've been quite successful most years. The last 2 years have been a struggle. I blame George W. The economy is so bad, the people who used to give are needing help too now. I just hope we're starting to see recovery for every one's sake! Wish us good tidings this year in gathering help to give hundreds of kids a great holiday!
Thank you for reading,
Kelly
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Q-Tip Revisited
I've written before about Q-Tip - quite taking it personally. It's SO hard!! I'm human with feelings and emotions, and my skin is not as thick as leathery elephant skin! Every morning I endure being called the B word by my 6 year old son if I don't give in to him on something, anything. My 10 year old talks like a bitter nasty old hag to me and has no regard for anything I say to her. My 13 year old thinks she should run our house and if I won't let her she "gets back at me" in very passive aggressive ways - not flushing the toilet after going number 2, pointing the shower head at the shower curtain so the next person to turn on the shower gets sprayed, along with the entire bathroom, putting dirty dishes back in the cupboards etc. My 4-almost-5 year old will pull down his pants and pee on the kitchen floor. My 7 and 8 year olds go in the closet and pull all the clothes off the hangers and brake said hangers, then pull all the clothes out of the drawers and leave the drawers hanging out...all clothes left in piles all over the floor. Food keeps disappearing from our pantry and refrigerator. I've had to screw 3-inch industrial screws in the hinges on the boys' bedroom door to keep the door on because they've torn it off 3 different times, and now even those 3-inch screws are losing the battle. Someone keeps digging bigger holes in the bathroom wall where the TP holder used to be before they tore it off. Anybody wonder why I lost the battle to quit smoking? I know some of this is normal behavior, but in my house this behavior is constant as long as their eyes are open during the day and night. The ONLY time someone isn't doing something to raise my blood pressure is when everyone is asleep. And I can't even enjoy that so much because by then I'm exhausted and asleep too.
I chose this life and these kids, and I love them. But today my nerves are worn thin and I'm taking everything personally. My doctor called, there was something wrong with my blood work and I'm being referred to an internal med doc. I needed to vent a little, so thanks for listening.
Kelly
I chose this life and these kids, and I love them. But today my nerves are worn thin and I'm taking everything personally. My doctor called, there was something wrong with my blood work and I'm being referred to an internal med doc. I needed to vent a little, so thanks for listening.
Kelly
Friday, July 17, 2009
No Regrets
Wow, twice in one month! There was once a time when I posted almost daily.
I'm having a real problem with Annie lately. She's becoming so violent, and it's mostly aimed at Kassidy, though sometimes also at Will. I wonder why she hits on those two. Does she dislike them? She and Will always had such a strong bond before, what changed? Maybe they are the ones she loves most? You always hurt the ones you love, right?
Most of the time she "accidentally" kicks or hits/punches, or trips, or pushes one of them. Lately, every morning she has either kicked, punched, or thrown shoes at Kassidy. Always in the morning when we're trying to get ready to leave, always causing a scene and making us late. And she has absolutely NO emotion about it. I mean that literally. This morning she beat Kassidy, and Kass was crying hysterically, and Annie just walked out like she didn't have a care in the world, ready to go, no guilt, no remorse, no nothing. That kind of behavior is scary to me.
Of course, when she's given consequences, then she gets emotional. She throws a tantrum because she gets privileges taken away, but still has no guilt or remorse over what she did to Kass. She'll say I'm SO mean because I won't let her go on her field trip today, but she can't connect that to what she did to her sister. What will she be like when she's older? Will she EVER learn that her actions have consequences? I've always been very consistent with her. There are no surprises that she will be in trouble for this kind of behavior. However, she is consistently surprised that she gets consequences for her actions. It makes me wonder what is going through her head through this entire process, from the moment she takes violent action to the moment she stops throwing her tantrum over the consequences. It's amazing to me!
I'm having a real problem with Annie lately. She's becoming so violent, and it's mostly aimed at Kassidy, though sometimes also at Will. I wonder why she hits on those two. Does she dislike them? She and Will always had such a strong bond before, what changed? Maybe they are the ones she loves most? You always hurt the ones you love, right?
Most of the time she "accidentally" kicks or hits/punches, or trips, or pushes one of them. Lately, every morning she has either kicked, punched, or thrown shoes at Kassidy. Always in the morning when we're trying to get ready to leave, always causing a scene and making us late. And she has absolutely NO emotion about it. I mean that literally. This morning she beat Kassidy, and Kass was crying hysterically, and Annie just walked out like she didn't have a care in the world, ready to go, no guilt, no remorse, no nothing. That kind of behavior is scary to me.
Of course, when she's given consequences, then she gets emotional. She throws a tantrum because she gets privileges taken away, but still has no guilt or remorse over what she did to Kass. She'll say I'm SO mean because I won't let her go on her field trip today, but she can't connect that to what she did to her sister. What will she be like when she's older? Will she EVER learn that her actions have consequences? I've always been very consistent with her. There are no surprises that she will be in trouble for this kind of behavior. However, she is consistently surprised that she gets consequences for her actions. It makes me wonder what is going through her head through this entire process, from the moment she takes violent action to the moment she stops throwing her tantrum over the consequences. It's amazing to me!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
My New Family
It's been a while since I last posted. My family dynamic has changed quite a bit now. All my kids are legally and spiritually mine now. All the adoptions are final, they now all bear my last name. How strange it has been to be severed from the state. For the first time in nine years, I am free to be the parent in every aspect of my children's lives. I get to decide when they get their hair cut! I don't have to clear overnights and camping trips with anybody but my own conscience. The Department of Health and Welfare has always been my co-parent, and now I am suddenly a single parent. How do I feel about this?
My kids don't really know how to act either. The state has always had ultimate say in everything in their lives. They don't know how to feel about having nobody else to go to if they don't like my decisions. Even though they were all very excited to have the permanence of adoption, they are missing that other "parent" in their lives.
It hasn't been an easy seperation for any of us, but it was a needed seperation. Rules in foster care don't always make sense, they are centered more around avoiding lawsuits for the state than around children's needs for healthy well-rounded lives. While this on the one hand is understandable, on the other hand, it's no way to have to grow up. Can you imagine if you had grown up not being allowed to spend the night with your friends, not being able to ride in your friends cars until you were an adult, not even being able to get a driver's license until you turned 18. You couldn't go on overnight school trips, you couldn't go out of state with clubs from school or church, my kids couldn't go to our church's teen shut-ins because it meant being in the church all night with people who weren't licensed by the state to do foster care. What kind of life is this? If you were 16 and had a new boyfriend who wanted to take you to dinner and a movie, your foster parent had to drive you and be there with you. Talk about scaring off the boys! You might as were be in detention!
Now my kids have the freedom of other kids they associate with. "Mom, can I spend the night with Alex?" Do you know how good it feels to say, without hesitation, "Yes" to that request? I never knew the freedom I would feel!
We have a tough life, the disorders have not vanished with our severed tie to the state. In fact, we've had even more problems. Kassidy was abandoned over and over in her short life before she came to me at age 6. In fact, she came to me from a family she'd been with for 2 1/2 years, a family who had promised to be her forever family, a family who had allowed her to use their last name as her own, who had her calling them mom and dad and planning the rest of her life with her. Then one day they decided not to adopt her afterall, and that was that. With no honest explaination, they moved her into my home and said goodbye. By no honest explaination, I mean, they lied to her. They told her that I'd liked her so much when I babysat her that I was going to keep her. So essentially they made her believe that I stole her from them. Wow, talk about a difficult way to start a relationship with someone. She hated me because I kidnapped her. So that's how we started out together. I spent the better part of two years undoing this damage, all the while working on finalizing MY adoption of her. She was so excited that someone was still going to adopt her, but until it happened, she didn't truly believe I would keep my promise to make her a permanent part of my family.
Now the adoption is final, she is my child for all of eternity. How wonderful she felt knowing she would never be abandoned again. Then, about two weeks later, she began to doubt the permanence. She'd been promised a permanent family so many times only to have it yanked away from her, even now she couldn't believe in the concept of permanent. She began to show her distrust in this new dynamic of our relationship in very harmful ways. She started stealing without prejudice, meaning, she steals from everybody everywhere. She's made it impossible for anyone to trust her. We have had to buy padlocks and lock down our kitchen at night so she won't take all our food while the rest of us are sleeping. Her sisters have to have a padlocked trunk to keep their most valuable or dear possessions in so she won't take them. She has to have constant adult supervision at school, church, and day camp to make sure she doesn't either take or destroy other peoples' property. She's trying to prove that this is not a permanent family. She's trying to get me to go back on my word that I will love her forever and always be her mom. And I just keep telling her I'm not going to go anywhere, no matter how much she tries to hurt me.
I mean it too, I'm not going anywhere. I'm exhausted, I'm frazzled, I'm often at my wits end, but I'm still here and have never had a thought of giving up on her. I just sometimes wish I had someone to help hold me up. Someone I could lean on at my most exhausted moments, someone who would cry with me and celebrate my victories with me. Wow, I sound pitiful! Somewhere along the line, even though I have maintained friendships, I have lost the closeness I once had with my friends and I often feel very alone. I love my kids, but I also need companionship that my busy schedule and that of my closest friends doesn't allow. My mother's health has not improved much and she needs to lean on me, she doesn't have the strength to hold me up. I'm no marter, I have no problem accepting help. I just don't know how to ask for it without feeling weak and foolish. I didn't love and adopt my kids so that people would admire me, and I didn't do all this with the intention of putting myself in an impossible situation. In fact, I don't feel like I am in an impossible situation. I love my kids more than I've ever loved anything in my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I also have no desire to get back the so called "support" from the state that we had before finalizing the adoptions. I just desire companionship. I'm freely admit that I don't know how to obtain that. I don't know how to ask people to be part of my life knowing the complications involved in being my friend.
Wow, I sound pathetic. I think, though, this is one of the few times I've written a post that wasn't contrived. I just needed to write, haven't done it in a long time. If there is anyone out there who still reads this blog, this is all I plan to do with it anymore...online journaling. My hands are too riddled with arthritis to write with a pen or pencil anymore. This hurts less.
Quit explaining yourself, Kelly, just write!
Talk to you soon I hope.
Kelly :-)
My kids don't really know how to act either. The state has always had ultimate say in everything in their lives. They don't know how to feel about having nobody else to go to if they don't like my decisions. Even though they were all very excited to have the permanence of adoption, they are missing that other "parent" in their lives.
It hasn't been an easy seperation for any of us, but it was a needed seperation. Rules in foster care don't always make sense, they are centered more around avoiding lawsuits for the state than around children's needs for healthy well-rounded lives. While this on the one hand is understandable, on the other hand, it's no way to have to grow up. Can you imagine if you had grown up not being allowed to spend the night with your friends, not being able to ride in your friends cars until you were an adult, not even being able to get a driver's license until you turned 18. You couldn't go on overnight school trips, you couldn't go out of state with clubs from school or church, my kids couldn't go to our church's teen shut-ins because it meant being in the church all night with people who weren't licensed by the state to do foster care. What kind of life is this? If you were 16 and had a new boyfriend who wanted to take you to dinner and a movie, your foster parent had to drive you and be there with you. Talk about scaring off the boys! You might as were be in detention!
Now my kids have the freedom of other kids they associate with. "Mom, can I spend the night with Alex?" Do you know how good it feels to say, without hesitation, "Yes" to that request? I never knew the freedom I would feel!
We have a tough life, the disorders have not vanished with our severed tie to the state. In fact, we've had even more problems. Kassidy was abandoned over and over in her short life before she came to me at age 6. In fact, she came to me from a family she'd been with for 2 1/2 years, a family who had promised to be her forever family, a family who had allowed her to use their last name as her own, who had her calling them mom and dad and planning the rest of her life with her. Then one day they decided not to adopt her afterall, and that was that. With no honest explaination, they moved her into my home and said goodbye. By no honest explaination, I mean, they lied to her. They told her that I'd liked her so much when I babysat her that I was going to keep her. So essentially they made her believe that I stole her from them. Wow, talk about a difficult way to start a relationship with someone. She hated me because I kidnapped her. So that's how we started out together. I spent the better part of two years undoing this damage, all the while working on finalizing MY adoption of her. She was so excited that someone was still going to adopt her, but until it happened, she didn't truly believe I would keep my promise to make her a permanent part of my family.
Now the adoption is final, she is my child for all of eternity. How wonderful she felt knowing she would never be abandoned again. Then, about two weeks later, she began to doubt the permanence. She'd been promised a permanent family so many times only to have it yanked away from her, even now she couldn't believe in the concept of permanent. She began to show her distrust in this new dynamic of our relationship in very harmful ways. She started stealing without prejudice, meaning, she steals from everybody everywhere. She's made it impossible for anyone to trust her. We have had to buy padlocks and lock down our kitchen at night so she won't take all our food while the rest of us are sleeping. Her sisters have to have a padlocked trunk to keep their most valuable or dear possessions in so she won't take them. She has to have constant adult supervision at school, church, and day camp to make sure she doesn't either take or destroy other peoples' property. She's trying to prove that this is not a permanent family. She's trying to get me to go back on my word that I will love her forever and always be her mom. And I just keep telling her I'm not going to go anywhere, no matter how much she tries to hurt me.
I mean it too, I'm not going anywhere. I'm exhausted, I'm frazzled, I'm often at my wits end, but I'm still here and have never had a thought of giving up on her. I just sometimes wish I had someone to help hold me up. Someone I could lean on at my most exhausted moments, someone who would cry with me and celebrate my victories with me. Wow, I sound pitiful! Somewhere along the line, even though I have maintained friendships, I have lost the closeness I once had with my friends and I often feel very alone. I love my kids, but I also need companionship that my busy schedule and that of my closest friends doesn't allow. My mother's health has not improved much and she needs to lean on me, she doesn't have the strength to hold me up. I'm no marter, I have no problem accepting help. I just don't know how to ask for it without feeling weak and foolish. I didn't love and adopt my kids so that people would admire me, and I didn't do all this with the intention of putting myself in an impossible situation. In fact, I don't feel like I am in an impossible situation. I love my kids more than I've ever loved anything in my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I also have no desire to get back the so called "support" from the state that we had before finalizing the adoptions. I just desire companionship. I'm freely admit that I don't know how to obtain that. I don't know how to ask people to be part of my life knowing the complications involved in being my friend.
Wow, I sound pathetic. I think, though, this is one of the few times I've written a post that wasn't contrived. I just needed to write, haven't done it in a long time. If there is anyone out there who still reads this blog, this is all I plan to do with it anymore...online journaling. My hands are too riddled with arthritis to write with a pen or pencil anymore. This hurts less.
Quit explaining yourself, Kelly, just write!
Talk to you soon I hope.
Kelly :-)
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Secret Garden
So lately, a new tradition has emerged at the Angel Retreat, and it’s a rather nice one. On Sundays, my daughter, Kneesaa, and her boyfriend and her two little boys have been coming over to help move stuff to storage and pack. We’re trying to sell the house, but we have so much junk, it looks cluttered all the time. It’s been nice having them over once a week, and in the evening, we sit down to a big family dinner.
A few weeks ago, they showed up with a friend. Joe was in foster care too, but he had never lived in my home. I’d actually had his little brother, Rafa, for a very short time during my first summer as a foster parent, but we made a connection that will last a lifetime, and some time during the time I’ve known Rafa, his brother Joe came to be part of our family too. When Kneesaa and Allee were seniors in high school, they double dated with Joe and Rafa for the prom, and they still talk about how much fun they had, today.
So now Kneesaa, Mark (her boyfriend), the two boys, and Joe come over every Sunday. We’re trying to get Cami to join us. She moved back to Boise a few weeks ago, and is doing well, but doesn’t have a car so has to bum rides out to Nampa to see us. We spend a few hours working on the house, and then we sit down to a big dinner and talk and enjoy each other. It’s great, and we’ve all decided we want to continue this even after everything is moved out. I look around my table and see my first wave of kids all grown up, talking about they’re kids, and my heart fills with joy. Intermixed with them are all my young ones who are growing up with this big diverse loving family and you can see how much they are getting out of it. It’s so much like one of those big family dinners you see in movies and I love it!
Last week Joe got to our house before anyone else. The girls had just put in a movie, “The Secret Garden,” a movie they had never watched before. It was funny because they always watch the Olsen Twins, or Barbie, or any other Disney or Pixar movie that has come out in the last ten years. But for whatever reason they picked this one on Sunday, and they really got into it. The house was as quiet as it’s ever been at midday when all the kids are home. Then I looked at Joe, and HE was into it. What a picture. See, Joe comes from a gang family, like third generation gang, and he’s a tough guy. If you saw him on the street and didn’t know him, you might avoid eye contact. He’s not a horrible person, just a product of his environment. He has a big heart, and he loves the kids and the family, and is actually pretty gentle. Anyway, to see this big tough guy surrounded by all these little girls and all watching this movie together…it was awe-inspiring.
By the way, it is a great movie!
A few weeks ago, they showed up with a friend. Joe was in foster care too, but he had never lived in my home. I’d actually had his little brother, Rafa, for a very short time during my first summer as a foster parent, but we made a connection that will last a lifetime, and some time during the time I’ve known Rafa, his brother Joe came to be part of our family too. When Kneesaa and Allee were seniors in high school, they double dated with Joe and Rafa for the prom, and they still talk about how much fun they had, today.
So now Kneesaa, Mark (her boyfriend), the two boys, and Joe come over every Sunday. We’re trying to get Cami to join us. She moved back to Boise a few weeks ago, and is doing well, but doesn’t have a car so has to bum rides out to Nampa to see us. We spend a few hours working on the house, and then we sit down to a big dinner and talk and enjoy each other. It’s great, and we’ve all decided we want to continue this even after everything is moved out. I look around my table and see my first wave of kids all grown up, talking about they’re kids, and my heart fills with joy. Intermixed with them are all my young ones who are growing up with this big diverse loving family and you can see how much they are getting out of it. It’s so much like one of those big family dinners you see in movies and I love it!
Last week Joe got to our house before anyone else. The girls had just put in a movie, “The Secret Garden,” a movie they had never watched before. It was funny because they always watch the Olsen Twins, or Barbie, or any other Disney or Pixar movie that has come out in the last ten years. But for whatever reason they picked this one on Sunday, and they really got into it. The house was as quiet as it’s ever been at midday when all the kids are home. Then I looked at Joe, and HE was into it. What a picture. See, Joe comes from a gang family, like third generation gang, and he’s a tough guy. If you saw him on the street and didn’t know him, you might avoid eye contact. He’s not a horrible person, just a product of his environment. He has a big heart, and he loves the kids and the family, and is actually pretty gentle. Anyway, to see this big tough guy surrounded by all these little girls and all watching this movie together…it was awe-inspiring.
By the way, it is a great movie!
Thanks for reading!
Monday, June 02, 2008
Cami
I’ll never forget the first night Cami was with us. Her case manager brought her to the house, and she was bawling. She DID NOT want to live in Nampa! She was angry to be moved to a home so far from her friends, and I found out years later, that when she heard we had a baby in the house she was even more upset. They brought her piles and piles of stuff into our living room, it was late evening, and she looked so vulnerable. I felt an instant connection with her. I went to Wal-Mart to get her some towels of her own and a few other things she would need, and I picked up a card with Piglet on it because she’d mentioned liking pigs. When I got home and gave her the card she cried some more and told me she loved Piglet.
She started school two days later at the high school, and she was scared. In Boise she’d been in Junior High, but our ninth grade is in High School, so this was an even greater change for her. She told me she wasn’t going to bother making any friends because she already had enough friends at her old school and she didn’t need any more. I told her I bet she’d make at least seven friends on her first day. It was funny because she was so determined to be mad and hate living here. She got home from school and very reluctantly told me that she’d made exactly seven friends.
The first few weeks she tried real hard not to like anyone in the house. But one day, she was passing by when I was playing with Will, who was not even a year old yet, and she tickled him. He laughed his oh so irresistible laugh, and it was all over. She melted right before my eyes. From that moment on, they were bonded for life. To this day, if he gets mad at me all he wants to do is call Cami, and Will is one of the first people she asks about when she calls. She would play with him for hours, carry him around like he was hers, blows bubbles with him, bathe him, feed him, dress him, she wouldn’t let the other kids touch him.
She also started to feel a connection with me. You could tell because she sought me out to talk to about everything and nothing. She started calling me “mom” by her second week with me. Her aunt told me she had never called anyone else mom that fast, and there was only one other foster mom she’d used that name for. I was honored. I didn’t really know what I’d done to make her feel that way she did, I treated her like I did all my other kids. She told me, again years later, that I never acted like this was a job, but that all my kids really were my family and that made a difference to her. She’d felt like all her other homes treated foster care like a job.
But we weren’t without problems. She got in trouble at school, skipping classes, and then smoking marijuana. I left for a week one time to go to a foster care conference in Florida and spent most of that week on the phone with the babysitter discussing the trouble Cami and my oldest daughter were getting into constantly while I was gone. She caused a lot of trouble at home, fighting with the other kids, alienating them. She dated boys who were in trouble at school and sometimes even with the law. She lied constantly about where she was going, what she was doing. She tried to manipulate everyone she came in contact with.
But I never let up on her. I gave her consequences for everything she did, and I loved her more and more as the days went by. I’d always let her know how I felt about the things she was doing, and as I seem to do, tell her how things would turn out if she continued certain behaviors. I’m not always right about things, in fact, I often predict wrongly, but somehow, with her, I was able to predict outcomes pretty well. She hated it; telling me that I was always right and she should start listening to me but didn’t want to.
She fought back every time I enforced boundaries and rules with her. She kept increasing her behavior testing my limits. She told me she thought my rules were unfair, and that I should change them. But I never backed down with her, never wanted to give up. I don’t think she knew how to handle that, she was so used to people having her removed from their homes because of her behavior, and I just kept hanging on. One time we got another girl in the house about her age and she had a fit, crying and saying mean things. I couldn’t understand the problem since she’d been so bent on hating it here and not wanting to be part of our family, and when I finally got through her protective shell, she told me she didn’t want this girl to take me away from her. She couldn’t understand how I could share my love with more than one person. She also couldn’t understand how I could keep letting kids into my home and heart after some of the things other kids had said and done to me. She told me if I took this girl in she would know this was only a job to me. I didn’t let her manipulate me. I told what I always told her, this was never a job to me, and I CAN love lots of people at the same time. She said she didn’t believe me. What came in the next months was sort of shocking.
She said she wanted me to adopt her; she wanted to be a permanent part of the family. She’d been with us only about six months. I wanted to say yes, but told her I wanted her to ask me again after she’d been with us for a year. I wanted her to be sure she wanted it before we got into the process. She must have marked her calendar, because at the one-year anniversary of her coming to our home, she asked again.
I was a little surprised; we’d had a lot of ups and downs. She pushed away every time we started getting closer, and I really thought that like others like her who I’d had relationships with, she’d only been saying what she thought I wanted her to say, or was saying things to test me. She’d been moved around so many times, and had only one or two real life-long bonds with people from her past. And I know when she moved out to our home she planned to keep her distance until it was time to move on. Even after living with me for a year, and feeling like we’d made a connection, I felt like she wasn’t being 100% honest about wanting to be adopted, but I wanted it and I let my emotion rule the day.
I started talking to her case manager and her aunt about it. Through a lot of discussion, we started moving forward with the adoption. At first, she was acting very happy about it all. She really started connecting with my extended family, and making herself a permanent fixture in my heart. That summer was trying, though. She got a job and was working as many hours as she could get. I worried a little because I knew in the past, at other homes, she would involve herself in activities outside the home just to be away from the foster family she was living with. Her behavior started escalating again, she started getting colder towards the family.
Then we were only a month or two away from finalizing the adoption. Tragedy struck our home. Will’s mom got custody back. I’d raised him from birth, and Cami had been there for a majority of it. We were both devastated. He was leaving us, and though I knew we’d still see him because of our relationship with his mom, Cami didn’t believe it. She left me the same day he did. She told me she’d never loved me and everything I ever said to her went in one ear and out the other. It was a bad day to say it, because I was grieving a loss too, and couldn’t play this game with her. She told me she wanted to move, and I let her. At that moment, I didn’t have the strength to hold on to her.
I often regret my weakness in that moment. I wish I’d have held on to her until she stopped screaming. But I just couldn’t. And she moved a few days later. She moved to a horrible place where the foster mom truly did think of foster care as a job. Cami became a lone person in a home full of lone people, and I kept telling myself that I didn’t care, she’d pushed too far that time. But I did care, and it hurt for a very long time. Ironically, I had Will back in my home within a month. His mom voluntarily brought him back to me and eventually I adopted him. Cami’s case manager told me that when she went to see Cami, pictures of our family were all over her wall. She was still calling me mom. I missed her, but didn’t want her to hurt me or my other kids anymore.
After four long months of silence between us, we met again. Cami’s counselor, my miracle worker, brought us back together. We met in his office. He’d told me that with all Cami’s problems, her inability to love and be loved by others, he felt that she had finally let someone in, me, and that she did need me. I met with her, and had a list of things I needed to make clear if we were going to have a relationship moving forward. She listened to me, and she agreed with me. Some of the things I had to tell her hurt, but she finally felt a strong enough connection with someone that she was willing to let that someone call a few of the shots in the relationship.
Cami never moved back into my house. But we’ve never missed a single Christmas with each other. Everything has not been jellybeans and roses since, we’ve had plenty of “talks” and we’ve had to listen to each other. But she’s never left me again. She tells me she often hears me talking to her when she’s about to do something she knows I would hate, and sometime it keeps her from doing it.
She’s moved here and there, on her own at 18, with a little help from me and a few others. She’s finding her way, but she still calls me mom. She’s moved out of state, but comes to see us whenever she can, and she calls and texts often. She has since reunited with her birth mother, and said the first thing she told her mother was that she already has a mom, but she was willing to get to know her. I encouraged the reunification so she could never have any regrets.
When she comes home to visit I laugh because I hear her tell my kids to listen to me, I’m always right. I’m just glad I still have her and happy she’s glad to have me!
She started school two days later at the high school, and she was scared. In Boise she’d been in Junior High, but our ninth grade is in High School, so this was an even greater change for her. She told me she wasn’t going to bother making any friends because she already had enough friends at her old school and she didn’t need any more. I told her I bet she’d make at least seven friends on her first day. It was funny because she was so determined to be mad and hate living here. She got home from school and very reluctantly told me that she’d made exactly seven friends.
The first few weeks she tried real hard not to like anyone in the house. But one day, she was passing by when I was playing with Will, who was not even a year old yet, and she tickled him. He laughed his oh so irresistible laugh, and it was all over. She melted right before my eyes. From that moment on, they were bonded for life. To this day, if he gets mad at me all he wants to do is call Cami, and Will is one of the first people she asks about when she calls. She would play with him for hours, carry him around like he was hers, blows bubbles with him, bathe him, feed him, dress him, she wouldn’t let the other kids touch him.
She also started to feel a connection with me. You could tell because she sought me out to talk to about everything and nothing. She started calling me “mom” by her second week with me. Her aunt told me she had never called anyone else mom that fast, and there was only one other foster mom she’d used that name for. I was honored. I didn’t really know what I’d done to make her feel that way she did, I treated her like I did all my other kids. She told me, again years later, that I never acted like this was a job, but that all my kids really were my family and that made a difference to her. She’d felt like all her other homes treated foster care like a job.
But we weren’t without problems. She got in trouble at school, skipping classes, and then smoking marijuana. I left for a week one time to go to a foster care conference in Florida and spent most of that week on the phone with the babysitter discussing the trouble Cami and my oldest daughter were getting into constantly while I was gone. She caused a lot of trouble at home, fighting with the other kids, alienating them. She dated boys who were in trouble at school and sometimes even with the law. She lied constantly about where she was going, what she was doing. She tried to manipulate everyone she came in contact with.
But I never let up on her. I gave her consequences for everything she did, and I loved her more and more as the days went by. I’d always let her know how I felt about the things she was doing, and as I seem to do, tell her how things would turn out if she continued certain behaviors. I’m not always right about things, in fact, I often predict wrongly, but somehow, with her, I was able to predict outcomes pretty well. She hated it; telling me that I was always right and she should start listening to me but didn’t want to.
She fought back every time I enforced boundaries and rules with her. She kept increasing her behavior testing my limits. She told me she thought my rules were unfair, and that I should change them. But I never backed down with her, never wanted to give up. I don’t think she knew how to handle that, she was so used to people having her removed from their homes because of her behavior, and I just kept hanging on. One time we got another girl in the house about her age and she had a fit, crying and saying mean things. I couldn’t understand the problem since she’d been so bent on hating it here and not wanting to be part of our family, and when I finally got through her protective shell, she told me she didn’t want this girl to take me away from her. She couldn’t understand how I could share my love with more than one person. She also couldn’t understand how I could keep letting kids into my home and heart after some of the things other kids had said and done to me. She told me if I took this girl in she would know this was only a job to me. I didn’t let her manipulate me. I told what I always told her, this was never a job to me, and I CAN love lots of people at the same time. She said she didn’t believe me. What came in the next months was sort of shocking.
She said she wanted me to adopt her; she wanted to be a permanent part of the family. She’d been with us only about six months. I wanted to say yes, but told her I wanted her to ask me again after she’d been with us for a year. I wanted her to be sure she wanted it before we got into the process. She must have marked her calendar, because at the one-year anniversary of her coming to our home, she asked again.
I was a little surprised; we’d had a lot of ups and downs. She pushed away every time we started getting closer, and I really thought that like others like her who I’d had relationships with, she’d only been saying what she thought I wanted her to say, or was saying things to test me. She’d been moved around so many times, and had only one or two real life-long bonds with people from her past. And I know when she moved out to our home she planned to keep her distance until it was time to move on. Even after living with me for a year, and feeling like we’d made a connection, I felt like she wasn’t being 100% honest about wanting to be adopted, but I wanted it and I let my emotion rule the day.
I started talking to her case manager and her aunt about it. Through a lot of discussion, we started moving forward with the adoption. At first, she was acting very happy about it all. She really started connecting with my extended family, and making herself a permanent fixture in my heart. That summer was trying, though. She got a job and was working as many hours as she could get. I worried a little because I knew in the past, at other homes, she would involve herself in activities outside the home just to be away from the foster family she was living with. Her behavior started escalating again, she started getting colder towards the family.
Then we were only a month or two away from finalizing the adoption. Tragedy struck our home. Will’s mom got custody back. I’d raised him from birth, and Cami had been there for a majority of it. We were both devastated. He was leaving us, and though I knew we’d still see him because of our relationship with his mom, Cami didn’t believe it. She left me the same day he did. She told me she’d never loved me and everything I ever said to her went in one ear and out the other. It was a bad day to say it, because I was grieving a loss too, and couldn’t play this game with her. She told me she wanted to move, and I let her. At that moment, I didn’t have the strength to hold on to her.
I often regret my weakness in that moment. I wish I’d have held on to her until she stopped screaming. But I just couldn’t. And she moved a few days later. She moved to a horrible place where the foster mom truly did think of foster care as a job. Cami became a lone person in a home full of lone people, and I kept telling myself that I didn’t care, she’d pushed too far that time. But I did care, and it hurt for a very long time. Ironically, I had Will back in my home within a month. His mom voluntarily brought him back to me and eventually I adopted him. Cami’s case manager told me that when she went to see Cami, pictures of our family were all over her wall. She was still calling me mom. I missed her, but didn’t want her to hurt me or my other kids anymore.
After four long months of silence between us, we met again. Cami’s counselor, my miracle worker, brought us back together. We met in his office. He’d told me that with all Cami’s problems, her inability to love and be loved by others, he felt that she had finally let someone in, me, and that she did need me. I met with her, and had a list of things I needed to make clear if we were going to have a relationship moving forward. She listened to me, and she agreed with me. Some of the things I had to tell her hurt, but she finally felt a strong enough connection with someone that she was willing to let that someone call a few of the shots in the relationship.
Cami never moved back into my house. But we’ve never missed a single Christmas with each other. Everything has not been jellybeans and roses since, we’ve had plenty of “talks” and we’ve had to listen to each other. But she’s never left me again. She tells me she often hears me talking to her when she’s about to do something she knows I would hate, and sometime it keeps her from doing it.
She’s moved here and there, on her own at 18, with a little help from me and a few others. She’s finding her way, but she still calls me mom. She’s moved out of state, but comes to see us whenever she can, and she calls and texts often. She has since reunited with her birth mother, and said the first thing she told her mother was that she already has a mom, but she was willing to get to know her. I encouraged the reunification so she could never have any regrets.
When she comes home to visit I laugh because I hear her tell my kids to listen to me, I’m always right. I’m just glad I still have her and happy she’s glad to have me!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Another Halloween...
We are going all out this year. In the past, with the teenagers, we always got pretty elaborate. The whole front of our house was decorated and spooky, done mostly by the teens. We carved pumpkins using difficult patterns and making masterpieces. We put together ingenious costumes and drove around the city trick-or-treating. Then, somewhere along the way, we ran out of steam. To be honest, this has never been one of my favorite holidays anyway. I've always found pumpkin carving tedious, and walk around in the cold begging for candy...well....cold. I preferred to stay in and hand the candy out or watch spooky movies. Even as a kid, my costumes were a bit ho-hum, and I spent more time at home with a stack of movies than out walking the neighborhood.
With the teenagers gone and nobody to do the decorating, we really haven't decorated for a few years. Last year, we got paint out and had the kids paint their pumpkins. Whoopee....no wonder they all hate me! But this year something changed. I feel different. I really think I was going through a depression over the loss of my original teens, and still getting over the stress of the later teens, and just wasn't getting into all this at all. But the painted pumpkins, that was almost cruel. They were ugly and boring, and you couldn't see them at night.
This weekend, we celebrated autumn. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked out pumpkins. We made fry bread....it was SO good!!!!! We decorated the front porch, though still not as elaborate as it used to be, but the kids still love it. And we CARVED our pumpkins. They are so cute. We've bought new costumes for everyone, and they are adorable. I have a Spiderman, a Blue Power Ranger, a girl pirate, and blushing bride, a velvet princess, and a Bloody Mary. I, of course, will be Winnie the Pooh, as usual. In 1999 I bought this costume at the Disney Store, and it cost $50. I figured, if I wear it every year for 10 years, then it only cost me $5 a year. I'm almost there. And the kids love it, so it works. Besides, when Annie, Will and Andrew were smaller, I had Tigger and Eeyore costumes for them to wear, and we were awesome looking!!
Anyway, I guess the point is, I'm so proud of myself for getting back into the groove a little bit. I hope I can keep it up, because I had a lot of fun with my family this weekend. I'd like to keep having so much fun with them!! And we have pumpkin seeds to eat now...I LOVE pumpkin seeds!! I hope you all are having fun with this holiday! And just think, in a few days we can start looking forward to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE holiday, Christmas!!!! (I've only made them listen to Christmas music twice so far this year.)
Thanks for reading!
With the teenagers gone and nobody to do the decorating, we really haven't decorated for a few years. Last year, we got paint out and had the kids paint their pumpkins. Whoopee....no wonder they all hate me! But this year something changed. I feel different. I really think I was going through a depression over the loss of my original teens, and still getting over the stress of the later teens, and just wasn't getting into all this at all. But the painted pumpkins, that was almost cruel. They were ugly and boring, and you couldn't see them at night.
This weekend, we celebrated autumn. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked out pumpkins. We made fry bread....it was SO good!!!!! We decorated the front porch, though still not as elaborate as it used to be, but the kids still love it. And we CARVED our pumpkins. They are so cute. We've bought new costumes for everyone, and they are adorable. I have a Spiderman, a Blue Power Ranger, a girl pirate, and blushing bride, a velvet princess, and a Bloody Mary. I, of course, will be Winnie the Pooh, as usual. In 1999 I bought this costume at the Disney Store, and it cost $50. I figured, if I wear it every year for 10 years, then it only cost me $5 a year. I'm almost there. And the kids love it, so it works. Besides, when Annie, Will and Andrew were smaller, I had Tigger and Eeyore costumes for them to wear, and we were awesome looking!!
Anyway, I guess the point is, I'm so proud of myself for getting back into the groove a little bit. I hope I can keep it up, because I had a lot of fun with my family this weekend. I'd like to keep having so much fun with them!! And we have pumpkin seeds to eat now...I LOVE pumpkin seeds!! I hope you all are having fun with this holiday! And just think, in a few days we can start looking forward to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE holiday, Christmas!!!! (I've only made them listen to Christmas music twice so far this year.)
Thanks for reading!
Monday, October 15, 2007
Jeanne Fowler
I've been away for a while, but I wanted to get back to my blog and tell you about someone I met recently. A few weekends ago we had our annual state foster parent conference, and I was very busy. I had the opportunity to teach two different workshops. The workshops went well, and as always, it's nice to be able to be so involved not only in my work as a foster parent, but also in helping recruit and retain other foster parents.
A few months back, when everything was being organized for the confe
rence, a call went out for suggestions for speakers for the conference. I had to suggest someone. See, a couple of years ago, my daughter, Kneesaa, brought me this book she'd read. It was written by a woman who had grown up in foster care. I read the book, and bawled like a baby. Her story is so hard to imagine to be true, though it is definitely true. Her name is Jeanne Fowler, and her book is Peter's Lullaby. I had been to the website of her organization, Big Family of Michigan, and knew she spoke publicly, so I suggested her for our conference.
Much to my happy surprise, the powers that be decided to follow my suggestion and commission Jeanne to speak at our conference. I got to spend some time with her outside the conference to welcome her to the area. She was so excited that someone west of the Mississippi knew about her story. I was excited to meet her. And I was amazed. She was a happy woman, full of energy and enthusiasm for life. She has a great sense of humor, laughs a lot, and jokes a lot. I have a deep respect for her, and knowing her story, am in awe of her passion for people and life.
I sat through her presentation, during which she went through the same story she wrote about in her book, which I had already read. But I have to say, it was so much more powerful hearing it from the mouth of the person who lived it. We had to go out and buy more Kleenex for the second part of her presentation because we ran out during the first part. Jeanne does a great job of bringing the reality of family/domestic abuse towards children to the minds of people who have a hard time understanding the truth of it.
Her story is graphic and hard to read some times. But it's important, and I believe people need to know what kind of stuff is really happening to kids out there. People need to be aware that there is a need for more people to get involved, to help in whatever way they can. There are kids out there who need your help.
In writing this post, my hope is that more people will purchase and read Jeanne's book, and that more people will consider what they can do for the children of their community. Follow the link I've connected to the name of her book to the site where you can purchase it, and follow the link to her organization to see what kinds of organizations exist to help children. There are more ways to help than doing foster care. Even supporting local foster families, or organizations that work with kids can make a huge difference.
Thanks for reading.
A few months back, when everything was being organized for the confe
rence, a call went out for suggestions for speakers for the conference. I had to suggest someone. See, a couple of years ago, my daughter, Kneesaa, brought me this book she'd read. It was written by a woman who had grown up in foster care. I read the book, and bawled like a baby. Her story is so hard to imagine to be true, though it is definitely true. Her name is Jeanne Fowler, and her book is Peter's Lullaby. I had been to the website of her organization, Big Family of Michigan, and knew she spoke publicly, so I suggested her for our conference.Much to my happy surprise, the powers that be decided to follow my suggestion and commission Jeanne to speak at our conference. I got to spend some time with her outside the conference to welcome her to the area. She was so excited that someone west of the Mississippi knew about her story. I was excited to meet her. And I was amazed. She was a happy woman, full of energy and enthusiasm for life. She has a great sense of humor, laughs a lot, and jokes a lot. I have a deep respect for her, and knowing her story, am in awe of her passion for people and life.
I sat through her presentation, during which she went through the same story she wrote about in her book, which I had already read. But I have to say, it was so much more powerful hearing it from the mouth of the person who lived it. We had to go out and buy more Kleenex for the second part of her presentation because we ran out during the first part. Jeanne does a great job of bringing the reality of family/domestic abuse towards children to the minds of people who have a hard time understanding the truth of it.
Her story is graphic and hard to read some times. But it's important, and I believe people need to know what kind of stuff is really happening to kids out there. People need to be aware that there is a need for more people to get involved, to help in whatever way they can. There are kids out there who need your help.
In writing this post, my hope is that more people will purchase and read Jeanne's book, and that more people will consider what they can do for the children of their community. Follow the link I've connected to the name of her book to the site where you can purchase it, and follow the link to her organization to see what kinds of organizations exist to help children. There are more ways to help than doing foster care. Even supporting local foster families, or organizations that work with kids can make a huge difference.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Things That Help
Well, we've been on a little kick to make things a bit healthier in our home. We finally got new furniture. Our old set was so comfortable, but was the kind of material that soaks in dust and grime like a sponge does water, and that just won't due. Plus, it was old, and we were ready for a change. So we found a nice microfiber sofa/love seat/chair and ottoman set that we really love. I think the microfiber will be easier to keep the dust from collecting in. And this furniture is very comfortable. Plus, bonus feature, we got a sleeper sofa so I now have a place for my older daughters to sleep when they visit. Well, and my brother and sis-in-law too.
The other thing we're doing this week is changing out the living room carpet for Pergo. Our carpet is seven years old and looks like it's 15 years old. It wasn't the kind of carpet meant for the traffic of over 200 kiddos. (Of course, when we chose it I didn't know I was going to have so many kids, or kids at all for that matter.) We've already put Pergo in the hall and boys' room, and we love it. Again, it will be something that will not grab onto dust and hold it in for years and years.
Why my obsession with dust? Normally, I'd say whatever, but I now have kiddos with high allergies and asthma. The flooring in the boys' room has made a difference for them. I think it will really help having it in the living room as well. The girls already have wood flooring. My hope is that it will help us keep the environment cleaner not just for the kids, but also for my mom. Next I want to get her floor done in her room cuz right now hers is horrible, and I think it'd be easier to keep her somewhat healthy if we got rid of her carpet. Her room and my room will be the only ones in the house left with carpet. Our goal is to be carpet free. Once we reach that goal, then we'll also change out the tile in the kitchen for the Pergo, and last we'll change out the parquet in the girls' room for Pergo so eventually the whole house will have it except the bathrooms and laundry room.
That reminds me, I really need to change the filters on the furnace tonight.
Thanks for reading.
The other thing we're doing this week is changing out the living room carpet for Pergo. Our carpet is seven years old and looks like it's 15 years old. It wasn't the kind of carpet meant for the traffic of over 200 kiddos. (Of course, when we chose it I didn't know I was going to have so many kids, or kids at all for that matter.) We've already put Pergo in the hall and boys' room, and we love it. Again, it will be something that will not grab onto dust and hold it in for years and years.
Why my obsession with dust? Normally, I'd say whatever, but I now have kiddos with high allergies and asthma. The flooring in the boys' room has made a difference for them. I think it will really help having it in the living room as well. The girls already have wood flooring. My hope is that it will help us keep the environment cleaner not just for the kids, but also for my mom. Next I want to get her floor done in her room cuz right now hers is horrible, and I think it'd be easier to keep her somewhat healthy if we got rid of her carpet. Her room and my room will be the only ones in the house left with carpet. Our goal is to be carpet free. Once we reach that goal, then we'll also change out the tile in the kitchen for the Pergo, and last we'll change out the parquet in the girls' room for Pergo so eventually the whole house will have it except the bathrooms and laundry room.
That reminds me, I really need to change the filters on the furnace tonight.
Thanks for reading.
Monday, September 17, 2007
PRIDE
Parent Resource for Information, Development, Education
This is the class I teach sometimes to train incoming foster parents. I love this class for a number of reasons...I love to teach, I feel like I get something new out of it every time I teach it, and I like meeting new foster parents. The entire course is 27 hours, broken up in 3 hour sessions, and I usually teach 2 or 3 sessions. Last year there was one round when I was the only foster parent trainer fully available to teach, so I got to teach 6 of the 9 sessions. That was great!!
But I have to say, I have one pet peeve when I'm teaching this class. I get very irritated with those people who come in thinking they already know all there is to know and are only going through the motions so they can get their license and move on. First of all, NOBODY knows everything, and people who act like they do are usually the people who know the least. And I have to say, I believe that is true in EVERY situation, not just in foster parent training. Second, even people who've been working in the foster care system for 10 years will learn new things at every training, even training they've been through before...like I said, I get something new out of it every time I train it! And third, why are people so afraid to just open their mind and absorb rather than try to look like they already know all there is to know...and again, I feel this way about the way people behave in every situation in life.
One time I was talking about the grieving process, and all the stages people go through and explaining that people don't just text-book follow the process and be done with it, but people bounce around, and often hit certain stages more than once, going back to denial or anger, or bargaining every so often. And also that people never really stop grieving, that especially in children as they develop and grow, they revisit their losses and often go through stages of the process again and again. Mr. Know-It-All in the back started arguing. He said he used to teach this process in an adult therapy group and that it is a clear-cut process, he would explain to his clients that they would go through it, in order, blah-blah-blah. Whatever, I don't believe it. I've worked with a number of kids in foster care and seen them go through these stages in whatever order their brains go through them, and I've seen them re-enter a stage they've been through before, often a number of times before. I'm not just talking out my butt when I'm training this class. I use my experiences as a foster parent in my training. Mr. Know-It-All will never be successful in fostering until he opens his mind.
So why am I talking about all this? Because we're in the middle of training a new group of foster parents, and for the first time in 4 years, we have an entire class full of people who I really like. They all seem to have open minds, and are eager to learn. There are several in there who have different kinds of experience with kids or the law or are already taking care of relative foster children, but none of them are claiming to know it all. They are all there ready to learn, and willing to look at things from a new perspective. The discussions in this class are important and their questions are insightful. This is exciting to me, it gives me hope that we will get a lot of really good new foster homes! And we need them.
Not to change the subject, but here's just a little perspective: the number of children in foster care in our region of Idaho has doubled in the last year, but the number of foster homes has stayed the same. That means all our homes are full to bursting, and we have no beds for incoming kids. We've had to have social workers check into hotels with kids for the night while an available foster home was found, or kids and social workers sleeping in the office at Health and Welfare, or even social workers taking the kids to their homes for a night or two. Kids are having to be put in group homes who don't belong there just because there is no other place to put them. And this is an epidemic being experienced all over the country. If you've even thought about becoming a foster family, now is a really good time to finalize that decision and go for it! It's already traumatic enough for kids to be pulled out of their family, but then to have no place to go from there is even more traumatic. Having to sleep on a couch in an office, or stay in a hotel with strangers only adds to the damage being done to their psyche...call H&W up, do it, kids need you!!
Thanks for reading!!
This is the class I teach sometimes to train incoming foster parents. I love this class for a number of reasons...I love to teach, I feel like I get something new out of it every time I teach it, and I like meeting new foster parents. The entire course is 27 hours, broken up in 3 hour sessions, and I usually teach 2 or 3 sessions. Last year there was one round when I was the only foster parent trainer fully available to teach, so I got to teach 6 of the 9 sessions. That was great!!
But I have to say, I have one pet peeve when I'm teaching this class. I get very irritated with those people who come in thinking they already know all there is to know and are only going through the motions so they can get their license and move on. First of all, NOBODY knows everything, and people who act like they do are usually the people who know the least. And I have to say, I believe that is true in EVERY situation, not just in foster parent training. Second, even people who've been working in the foster care system for 10 years will learn new things at every training, even training they've been through before...like I said, I get something new out of it every time I train it! And third, why are people so afraid to just open their mind and absorb rather than try to look like they already know all there is to know...and again, I feel this way about the way people behave in every situation in life.
One time I was talking about the grieving process, and all the stages people go through and explaining that people don't just text-book follow the process and be done with it, but people bounce around, and often hit certain stages more than once, going back to denial or anger, or bargaining every so often. And also that people never really stop grieving, that especially in children as they develop and grow, they revisit their losses and often go through stages of the process again and again. Mr. Know-It-All in the back started arguing. He said he used to teach this process in an adult therapy group and that it is a clear-cut process, he would explain to his clients that they would go through it, in order, blah-blah-blah. Whatever, I don't believe it. I've worked with a number of kids in foster care and seen them go through these stages in whatever order their brains go through them, and I've seen them re-enter a stage they've been through before, often a number of times before. I'm not just talking out my butt when I'm training this class. I use my experiences as a foster parent in my training. Mr. Know-It-All will never be successful in fostering until he opens his mind.
So why am I talking about all this? Because we're in the middle of training a new group of foster parents, and for the first time in 4 years, we have an entire class full of people who I really like. They all seem to have open minds, and are eager to learn. There are several in there who have different kinds of experience with kids or the law or are already taking care of relative foster children, but none of them are claiming to know it all. They are all there ready to learn, and willing to look at things from a new perspective. The discussions in this class are important and their questions are insightful. This is exciting to me, it gives me hope that we will get a lot of really good new foster homes! And we need them.
Not to change the subject, but here's just a little perspective: the number of children in foster care in our region of Idaho has doubled in the last year, but the number of foster homes has stayed the same. That means all our homes are full to bursting, and we have no beds for incoming kids. We've had to have social workers check into hotels with kids for the night while an available foster home was found, or kids and social workers sleeping in the office at Health and Welfare, or even social workers taking the kids to their homes for a night or two. Kids are having to be put in group homes who don't belong there just because there is no other place to put them. And this is an epidemic being experienced all over the country. If you've even thought about becoming a foster family, now is a really good time to finalize that decision and go for it! It's already traumatic enough for kids to be pulled out of their family, but then to have no place to go from there is even more traumatic. Having to sleep on a couch in an office, or stay in a hotel with strangers only adds to the damage being done to their psyche...call H&W up, do it, kids need you!!
Thanks for reading!!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Remembering What You're Dealing With
Sometimes, knowing what we're dealing with, and remembering what that is in the heat of the moment, are two very different things. Especially when it comes to being scared to death.
The girls' school is doing a fund raiser, and the kids have to sell all this stuff to friends and family. No door to door sales allowed, of course. So when Annie asked if she could take hers to a few friends in the neighborhood, I let her, but said over and over, NO DOOR TO DOOR, stay away from houses we don't know. And she did well. But then she went to the wrong house, next door to her friends' house. "He was a stranger, but he was nice!" And he bought something. This was NOT what I needed to hear! Now I have to be afraid she'll go door to door.
Then Annie realized her new little sister had not made any sales other than what I bought. Now this is where you see she does have a big heart. She wanted to help her sister get some sales. She asked if she could take her to the neighbor, and I said yes. And then she and I were going to go to the store. Well, about 20 minutes later, the girls were not back. I went outside, and looked at the neighbor's house where they were given permission to go, and there were no cars in the drive-way. I asked Cindy where the girls went and she pointed down the road in the opposite direction. I got in my van and started perusing the neighborhood looking for them. I drove around for the next 40 minutes going up and down every street in our subdivision more than once, and could not find them. I was panicking. I was stopping people I saw in their yards and asking if they'd seen two little girls. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and finally said, call the police. I couldn't remember what shirt the younger one had changed into when we got home from church.
Just then, I saw them walking towards home. I went berserk. I had thought the worst and couldn't believe Annie had taken off like this after three star days in a row. I yelled all the way home, fear and relief coming out at the same time. I made them eat dinner and go to bed early. Annie stole gum out of my purse and while she was in bed early, she got the gum in her hair. This escalated into an argument between her and me because she wouldn't tell the truth about the gum. Look how fast stars turn into X's!! (She gets stars for good behavior days and X's for bad behavior days. She gets allowance for star days, and no allowance and no TV for X days.) It snowballs, one bad thing turns into another, and she won't stop, or can't stop, she keeps doing things. It's like star days put her brain in overload until she blows and starts getting X's. (If she gets an X, then continues to have bad behavior, she gets chore sticks.)
What it usually takes me a day to sit back and remember is that she has brain damage. Her birth mom drank during pregnancy. Alcohol puts holes in the child's brain. It takes away their ability for impulse control. It damages or completely exterminates short term memory. She was getting excited about the sales she'd made, and wanted more, even if the sales would go to her sister. The minute the two girls walked out the door, she forgot we were going to the store. The impulse to try to sell more was too great. The fact that she'd successfully sold something to a stranger, and nothing had happened to her was too tempting. Then, once she got in trouble, the ability to deal with her emotions was gone, and she kept doing more things that got her in trouble. Her behavior can't be excused, and it can't be left ignored, but my behavior can be controlled, and I need to take everything into consideration. I did good by not going overboard with discipline. But I let my fear get the best of me, and in my relief that she was OK, not kidnapped or dead, I let it out on her. That may or may not have been the right thing to do. I can't take it back, and it does no good to dwell, I just need to learn from this. My capacity to learn is far greater than hers, and I need to make the changes necessary for both our sakes. With her brain damage, it is my responsibility to try to keep her from being put in such tempting situations, while at the same time allowing her to grow and learn and become independent.
This is my challenge in life. I gladly take it on.
Thanks for reading.
The girls' school is doing a fund raiser, and the kids have to sell all this stuff to friends and family. No door to door sales allowed, of course. So when Annie asked if she could take hers to a few friends in the neighborhood, I let her, but said over and over, NO DOOR TO DOOR, stay away from houses we don't know. And she did well. But then she went to the wrong house, next door to her friends' house. "He was a stranger, but he was nice!" And he bought something. This was NOT what I needed to hear! Now I have to be afraid she'll go door to door.
Then Annie realized her new little sister had not made any sales other than what I bought. Now this is where you see she does have a big heart. She wanted to help her sister get some sales. She asked if she could take her to the neighbor, and I said yes. And then she and I were going to go to the store. Well, about 20 minutes later, the girls were not back. I went outside, and looked at the neighbor's house where they were given permission to go, and there were no cars in the drive-way. I asked Cindy where the girls went and she pointed down the road in the opposite direction. I got in my van and started perusing the neighborhood looking for them. I drove around for the next 40 minutes going up and down every street in our subdivision more than once, and could not find them. I was panicking. I was stopping people I saw in their yards and asking if they'd seen two little girls. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and finally said, call the police. I couldn't remember what shirt the younger one had changed into when we got home from church.
Just then, I saw them walking towards home. I went berserk. I had thought the worst and couldn't believe Annie had taken off like this after three star days in a row. I yelled all the way home, fear and relief coming out at the same time. I made them eat dinner and go to bed early. Annie stole gum out of my purse and while she was in bed early, she got the gum in her hair. This escalated into an argument between her and me because she wouldn't tell the truth about the gum. Look how fast stars turn into X's!! (She gets stars for good behavior days and X's for bad behavior days. She gets allowance for star days, and no allowance and no TV for X days.) It snowballs, one bad thing turns into another, and she won't stop, or can't stop, she keeps doing things. It's like star days put her brain in overload until she blows and starts getting X's. (If she gets an X, then continues to have bad behavior, she gets chore sticks.)
What it usually takes me a day to sit back and remember is that she has brain damage. Her birth mom drank during pregnancy. Alcohol puts holes in the child's brain. It takes away their ability for impulse control. It damages or completely exterminates short term memory. She was getting excited about the sales she'd made, and wanted more, even if the sales would go to her sister. The minute the two girls walked out the door, she forgot we were going to the store. The impulse to try to sell more was too great. The fact that she'd successfully sold something to a stranger, and nothing had happened to her was too tempting. Then, once she got in trouble, the ability to deal with her emotions was gone, and she kept doing more things that got her in trouble. Her behavior can't be excused, and it can't be left ignored, but my behavior can be controlled, and I need to take everything into consideration. I did good by not going overboard with discipline. But I let my fear get the best of me, and in my relief that she was OK, not kidnapped or dead, I let it out on her. That may or may not have been the right thing to do. I can't take it back, and it does no good to dwell, I just need to learn from this. My capacity to learn is far greater than hers, and I need to make the changes necessary for both our sakes. With her brain damage, it is my responsibility to try to keep her from being put in such tempting situations, while at the same time allowing her to grow and learn and become independent.
This is my challenge in life. I gladly take it on.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I'm a Terrible Mom!
I could come up with a million excuses, some may even be plausible, but it doesn't take away from what I did. I was so excited for school to start again, and I apparently expected everything to gather itself and get itself ready for the kids to head off to school. Last night I was scrambling to fill back packs with needed school supplies. (Luckily we have a stock pile of supplies, and only need to buy a few things this year.) I hadn't had my kindergartner color the picture her teacher sent to have her color for her first day. I had no idea what the kids would wear on their first day, and they were already in bed.
So I get the kindergartner up this morning and have her sitting at the table coloring her picture before I take her to daycare while I"m trying to get ready for work. She's doing a pretty good job, and I'm feeling even more guilty because in the 4 weeks she's lived with me, I haven't even assessed her skills. I know she's ready for school, but I don't know HOW ready. I was impressed, and started thinking she may have some natural artistic ability. I'm thinking this as we're hurrying to get ready for her first day of school. I didn't even get a chance to go down and meet the teachers last Friday. Give me ten lashes.
I get her to daycare and ask them if she can finish coloring her picture there. They say sure and ask me when she's supposed to go meet her teacher. What? Today is the first day of school! Oh no, not for kindergartners. They are meeting their teachers today and tomorrow and don't start until Thursday. Holy cow, I'm a horrible mother. So I call Granny and ask her to look at the letter from the teacher, and sure enough, this little girl is supposed to meet her teacher this morning. I have to go to work, and Granny has to take Will to the psychiatrist. Where's my clone? Do I really need to go to work? Hahahahahahaha! But my wonderful daycare said they would take her over there for me. I love them!
Somebody should take my license away, I'm not being a very organized mom lately. Let's just hope I don't mess up the first week of soccer as bad as I have now messed up the first week of school. Somebody ground me, take away my shoes, something. I need to get my act together!
Thanks for reading!
So I get the kindergartner up this morning and have her sitting at the table coloring her picture before I take her to daycare while I"m trying to get ready for work. She's doing a pretty good job, and I'm feeling even more guilty because in the 4 weeks she's lived with me, I haven't even assessed her skills. I know she's ready for school, but I don't know HOW ready. I was impressed, and started thinking she may have some natural artistic ability. I'm thinking this as we're hurrying to get ready for her first day of school. I didn't even get a chance to go down and meet the teachers last Friday. Give me ten lashes.
I get her to daycare and ask them if she can finish coloring her picture there. They say sure and ask me when she's supposed to go meet her teacher. What? Today is the first day of school! Oh no, not for kindergartners. They are meeting their teachers today and tomorrow and don't start until Thursday. Holy cow, I'm a horrible mother. So I call Granny and ask her to look at the letter from the teacher, and sure enough, this little girl is supposed to meet her teacher this morning. I have to go to work, and Granny has to take Will to the psychiatrist. Where's my clone? Do I really need to go to work? Hahahahahahaha! But my wonderful daycare said they would take her over there for me. I love them!
Somebody should take my license away, I'm not being a very organized mom lately. Let's just hope I don't mess up the first week of soccer as bad as I have now messed up the first week of school. Somebody ground me, take away my shoes, something. I need to get my act together!
Thanks for reading!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Who's Lost Now?
I admit defeat. I can remember about a year ago feeling the same way, only actually even more defeated. Is it this time of year? Annie is in the "I don't care about anything, no matter what you do or say" mode, and she's winning. I'm taking it personally, and I'm not supposed to. But no matter what I do or say, she won't turn it around. How do you not take that personally?
I've been threatening her for months and months that if she doesn't start taking better care of her things, clothes, toys, whatever, she was going to find herself not having anything left. Well, I realize my first mistake was continuing to threaten and not doing anything about it. So I finally did it. I took all but three tops and three bottom, and three pairs of underwear from her closet. She was throwing her clothes in the bottom of the closet, putting clean clothes in the hamper rather than putting them away, leaving clothes laying all over the floor and even outside (huh?). For three days in a row she went out to play, took her shoes off, and then just left them out there, so there were three pair of shoes out there. But it isn't even only about the clothes.
She's been yelling at the other kids, being absolutely hateful to our 7 year old. She's been stealing candy (OLD candy from the lost depths of our pantry) and throwing huge tantrums. Everything she can do to get in trouble, she's been doing. For a while I was thinking it was fallout from losing Kristy, but when I look a little harder, I realize it started when we picked her up from Bible Camp. And it just gets worse day after day. And I finally came to the end of my rope. And I emptied her closet out. I told her the only way she can get any of it back is to start earning it with good behavior. So what does she do? Spits on Cindy, talks back to Granny, make me want to start a bonfire!
I don't know if this stems from anxiety. School is starting soon, and she'll have a new teacher and new class rules, more homework. She's surely anxious about Granny's failing health. She's anxious about the changes in the house, and now another one is leaving. (The 7 year old is going home.) I hope all this stems from anxiety over these things rather than just being cold-blooded sociopathic behavior! But like I said, she's broken me down, and I'm having trouble coping, trying to maintain, trying not to take things personal, because all this feels VERY personal.
We all need a prayer to make it through this time of turmoil. I hope we can be out of this before Christmas. Pretty soon she'll stop believing Santa is watching her, and then what will she care enough about to make her want to be a nice person? God help us all!!!
Thank you for reading!
I've been threatening her for months and months that if she doesn't start taking better care of her things, clothes, toys, whatever, she was going to find herself not having anything left. Well, I realize my first mistake was continuing to threaten and not doing anything about it. So I finally did it. I took all but three tops and three bottom, and three pairs of underwear from her closet. She was throwing her clothes in the bottom of the closet, putting clean clothes in the hamper rather than putting them away, leaving clothes laying all over the floor and even outside (huh?). For three days in a row she went out to play, took her shoes off, and then just left them out there, so there were three pair of shoes out there. But it isn't even only about the clothes.
She's been yelling at the other kids, being absolutely hateful to our 7 year old. She's been stealing candy (OLD candy from the lost depths of our pantry) and throwing huge tantrums. Everything she can do to get in trouble, she's been doing. For a while I was thinking it was fallout from losing Kristy, but when I look a little harder, I realize it started when we picked her up from Bible Camp. And it just gets worse day after day. And I finally came to the end of my rope. And I emptied her closet out. I told her the only way she can get any of it back is to start earning it with good behavior. So what does she do? Spits on Cindy, talks back to Granny, make me want to start a bonfire!
I don't know if this stems from anxiety. School is starting soon, and she'll have a new teacher and new class rules, more homework. She's surely anxious about Granny's failing health. She's anxious about the changes in the house, and now another one is leaving. (The 7 year old is going home.) I hope all this stems from anxiety over these things rather than just being cold-blooded sociopathic behavior! But like I said, she's broken me down, and I'm having trouble coping, trying to maintain, trying not to take things personal, because all this feels VERY personal.
We all need a prayer to make it through this time of turmoil. I hope we can be out of this before Christmas. Pretty soon she'll stop believing Santa is watching her, and then what will she care enough about to make her want to be a nice person? God help us all!!!
Thank you for reading!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Untitled
I thought about calling this "Where Did You Go" or "Lost Girls" but can't decide. I had the desire to write a song one day. I was missing Allee a lot and they called and said they were moving Kristy. I'd never written a song before and suddenly really wanted to. It would be cool if someone like Pink sang it because Allee really liked Pink. Anyway, here it is, what do you think? Title suggestions?
I remember you, when I was a girl
I was sitting on your lap,
You were whispering in my ear, mommy to me, together we’d be.
I remember feeling your arms around me keeping me warm, keeping me.
I wish I had a picture. I wish you were here now.
Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.
I can remember going to the fair
Laughing with you beside me eating cotton candy,
Hanging on to you as we flew through the air on the swings.
I remember being at home sitting on the porch pointing out butterflies with you, being with you.
I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you could come back.
Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.
I can remember searching the streets for you, wondering why,
Keeping warm without you at night, then waving goodbye to you as they drove me away.
Sleeping in strange beds, living with strangers, year after year while you were where?
I can remember hoping never to see you again, never to hear your voice again
But I didn’t mean it then, and especially not now that I won’t see you ever.
Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.
I’m all grown up now, I’m a woman on the run.
I can’t find my home, I can’t find my mom.
My daughter cries and I see your eyes, I hold her tight
And point out butterflies. I hope I can be what you weren’t for me.
And keep her safe for eternity. She’ll always know where I am, where are you?
Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.
I remember you, when I was a girl
I was sitting on your lap,
You were whispering in my ear, mommy to me, together we’d be.
I remember feeling your arms around me keeping me warm, keeping me.
I wish I had a picture. I wish you were here now.
Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.
I can remember going to the fair
Laughing with you beside me eating cotton candy,
Hanging on to you as we flew through the air on the swings.
I remember being at home sitting on the porch pointing out butterflies with you, being with you.
I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you could come back.
Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.
I can remember searching the streets for you, wondering why,
Keeping warm without you at night, then waving goodbye to you as they drove me away.
Sleeping in strange beds, living with strangers, year after year while you were where?
I can remember hoping never to see you again, never to hear your voice again
But I didn’t mean it then, and especially not now that I won’t see you ever.
Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.
I’m all grown up now, I’m a woman on the run.
I can’t find my home, I can’t find my mom.
My daughter cries and I see your eyes, I hold her tight
And point out butterflies. I hope I can be what you weren’t for me.
And keep her safe for eternity. She’ll always know where I am, where are you?
Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
SMILE!
Smiling is infectious,You can catch it like the flu.Someone smiled at me
today,And I started smiling too.~Author Unknown
I made a vow this morning to my image in the mirror as I was putting on my eye liner. I told myself I would smile no matter what happened. Everyone has seemed so negative lately, and I know it's the fallout from losing Kristy and other seemingly minor incidents that are much more than minor in the eyes of children. Cindy's mom was supposed to send her birthday present (3 months late) but still didn't. Annie is overwhelmed by the changes in personel, what with Kristy leaving and the two girls moving in. Will is going to daycare regularly now, and he's having trouble adjusting. Granny is sick, they found a large blood clot in her lung, and I'm so scared.
But everyone is taking their fear and frustration out on each other, and I'm no better than the rest. So I smiled. I walked out of the bedroom and smiled at each of my children. I gave them eacha sing-songy good morning. I smiled at my mom, and she in turn smiled at Annie. Annie commented that she hadn't been yelled at this morning. Annie made her bed!!!! Cindy smiled and was nice to the boys. The boys didn't fight all the way to the van, or in the van. Will didn't cry when we got to daycare.
I got to work and with an armload of stuff, dropped my keys, but I smiled. God please give me the strength to keep smiling! Please help Granny smile all day. Please help Annie have a fit-free day! Please help Cindy be happy. We're having nachos for dinner afterall!
Thanks for reading, and smile!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
FIRE!!!!!
We had to make the decision to cancel our camping trip yesterday. Idaho is pretty much on fire, and we didn't want to get up there and then find ourselves being evacuated and losing all our camping gear and all that mess. Just being down here in the basin, the smoke is getting so bad the boys' asthma is acting up and everyone's allergies are getting out of control. All my kids have puffy purple bags under their eyes, my eyes feel like there's sandpaper in them. If we went up to the campground where we had a reservation, we'd be surrounded by smoke and fires.
We're going to camp in our backyard instead. I think that will be fun. It will be hot since we keep getting in the triple digits here, but we can still go to the lake which is only up the road about two miles from our house. And if we decide we want our own beds, they're right there! :-)
Be careful all you who decide to brave the mountains right now. Those fires can move fast, and they say new ones keep popping up which is making it impossible to get them under control.
We're going to camp in our backyard instead. I think that will be fun. It will be hot since we keep getting in the triple digits here, but we can still go to the lake which is only up the road about two miles from our house. And if we decide we want our own beds, they're right there! :-)
Be careful all you who decide to brave the mountains right now. Those fires can move fast, and they say new ones keep popping up which is making it impossible to get them under control.
Monday, July 30, 2007
So Many Cliches Work Here...
Uh, everything happens for a reason, God works in mysterious ways, when one door closes another opens...you name it.
So Kristy is gone. She and Cindy got back from camp Friday night and Kristy was picked up an hour later. Nothing I said or did could change it, and believe me, I tried. And then, oddly enough, something totally unrelated and opposite happened.
My two-year has four siblings. Two live in this area, and two live in another state. We've never met any of them. We were told the two here were in a placement with a family who intended to adopt. Those two had never really met my boy. It was actually kind of strange that there was never an effort to put these kids in contact to make connections. But their case worker was at our house last week for a monthly home visit, and she had a question for me. She said the girls' foster parents had decided not to adopt the girls, and they needed a new placement for them. She asked if we would consider taking them. We asked if we could meet them first. Well, actually my first gut reaction which I blurted out was "YES". But then I asked if we could meet them. So the girls are going camping with us this week.
They came over on Saturday for a preliminary meeting, and they are SO cute!! The younger one looks just like her brother!! I think I fell in love right off the bat. And the family they've been living with these last three years are so nice. I kind of got excited. We haven't told any of the kids. Right now, they know the girls are coming camping, but they think it's a respite thing. I thought, and the other family thought, that if this works out, we'd spend the next few weeks transitioning them to our home, but H&W isn't thinking that at all. If this works out, they are moving in like next week! Holy cow! And this will be permanent. Adoption.
Here's the numbers: I have three grown adopted daughters. I have one 8 year old adopted daughter and one 3 year old adopted son. The process is beginning for my adoption of Cindy, age 11. I will be adopting my 2 year old boy. And now I will be adding five and six year old sisters to the brood. That makes nine. 7 girls and 2 boys. Good grief. My favorite show when I was younger was Eight is Enough, and it's kind of the same because one of my three oldest isn't actually legally adopted, though in my heart she's mine. So I'll have adopted 8. But on the show there were 3 boys instead of two, but oh well. At least they won't have the same names.
What were their names? Tommy, David, Nicholas, Susan, Joanie, Elizabeth, Mary, and what was the last one? This will bother me all day. Let me know if you know.
Thanks for reading.
So Kristy is gone. She and Cindy got back from camp Friday night and Kristy was picked up an hour later. Nothing I said or did could change it, and believe me, I tried. And then, oddly enough, something totally unrelated and opposite happened.
My two-year has four siblings. Two live in this area, and two live in another state. We've never met any of them. We were told the two here were in a placement with a family who intended to adopt. Those two had never really met my boy. It was actually kind of strange that there was never an effort to put these kids in contact to make connections. But their case worker was at our house last week for a monthly home visit, and she had a question for me. She said the girls' foster parents had decided not to adopt the girls, and they needed a new placement for them. She asked if we would consider taking them. We asked if we could meet them first. Well, actually my first gut reaction which I blurted out was "YES". But then I asked if we could meet them. So the girls are going camping with us this week.
They came over on Saturday for a preliminary meeting, and they are SO cute!! The younger one looks just like her brother!! I think I fell in love right off the bat. And the family they've been living with these last three years are so nice. I kind of got excited. We haven't told any of the kids. Right now, they know the girls are coming camping, but they think it's a respite thing. I thought, and the other family thought, that if this works out, we'd spend the next few weeks transitioning them to our home, but H&W isn't thinking that at all. If this works out, they are moving in like next week! Holy cow! And this will be permanent. Adoption.
Here's the numbers: I have three grown adopted daughters. I have one 8 year old adopted daughter and one 3 year old adopted son. The process is beginning for my adoption of Cindy, age 11. I will be adopting my 2 year old boy. And now I will be adding five and six year old sisters to the brood. That makes nine. 7 girls and 2 boys. Good grief. My favorite show when I was younger was Eight is Enough, and it's kind of the same because one of my three oldest isn't actually legally adopted, though in my heart she's mine. So I'll have adopted 8. But on the show there were 3 boys instead of two, but oh well. At least they won't have the same names.
What were their names? Tommy, David, Nicholas, Susan, Joanie, Elizabeth, Mary, and what was the last one? This will bother me all day. Let me know if you know.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Sad Update...
This just in..........
I want to cry. Granny just called me. H&W called and they are moving Kristy, tonight. We don't get time to say goodbye or help her understand why and that we aren't rejecting her. It's a sad day at the Angel Retreat. I have love in my heart, but tears on my face.
I want to cry. Granny just called me. H&W called and they are moving Kristy, tonight. We don't get time to say goodbye or help her understand why and that we aren't rejecting her. It's a sad day at the Angel Retreat. I have love in my heart, but tears on my face.
Feeling Perplexed
I've told you a bit about Kristy. She's a challenge, to say the least. And she's smart, which actually makes her more challenging than others we've had. Her behaviors include sexual acting out with our other kiddos, vengeful defiance, manipulation including manipulating the others in order to get them in trouble, stealing, triangulation, and, my favorite, playing the chronic victim. If she were an adult, I'd simply not associate myself with her. But she isn't an adult, she's a 10 year old girl who is hurting and scared, and is only behaving the way she's been taught to behave for all but the last 5 months of her life. How can you fault her for that?
I'm perplexed because there's something about her that makes me not want to give up on her. In this case, I think it's going to benefit her that I used to have a house full of teenagers. When Kristy came to me in February, she'd been in care only 2 weeks, and had already been moved 5 times. Her behavior and the behavior of her 3 siblings were the direct cause of their movement. But after having teens who'd spent most of their young lives moving from home to home, mostly because of their own behavior, and knowing how those moves contributed negatively to their adult personalities and behavior, I can't be in on a decision to move Kristy again. I feel it would only do her more harm than good. This little girl is lost in the wind, and needs some stability. I don't think I can change her, but I think I can help stop the progression of her negative behavior. At least I hope I can. And I truly believe the biggest way I can help with that is to hold on to her and show her someone is willing to keep trying.
I'm also perplexed because I don't know what kind of permanent damage may be done to the others in our house by keeping her. Can we turn her around before losing the others? And even if she was moved from our home, wouldn't we only get another girl who would or could cause the same problems? That seems to be the trend. Children keep being moved from homes for the sake of the other children in the home, only to be replaced with more children who cause the same problems. When do we stop moving them and start helping them? By knowing what's happening, and why, we can use this to make our other children stronger and more tolerant of diversity. We can teach them that we are all in this together, and people need other people to help out in order for all of us to reach the finish line. I want my children to learn to be caring and nurturing, understanding individuals. How can I do that if I have children removed from our home because their problems were inconvenient or a challenge to us?
I'm perplexed because I am feeling H&W is going to conclude they need to move this child and we will have no say in this matter. They will do it without our consent, or our asking. They will do it even though we want to do what we can to help this child. And I have to say, this is unusual, they really don't move children like this all that often like they used to. I'm really not sure why they are talking like they are going to do it here whether we want it or not.
More and more I have love in my heart and a smile on my face for Kristy even though she does something everyday to get to me. The more she does it, the more I want to make this work for her. She needs positive energy, think of her and think good thoughts for her. It could help!!
Thank you for reading, have a great weekend!!
I'm perplexed because there's something about her that makes me not want to give up on her. In this case, I think it's going to benefit her that I used to have a house full of teenagers. When Kristy came to me in February, she'd been in care only 2 weeks, and had already been moved 5 times. Her behavior and the behavior of her 3 siblings were the direct cause of their movement. But after having teens who'd spent most of their young lives moving from home to home, mostly because of their own behavior, and knowing how those moves contributed negatively to their adult personalities and behavior, I can't be in on a decision to move Kristy again. I feel it would only do her more harm than good. This little girl is lost in the wind, and needs some stability. I don't think I can change her, but I think I can help stop the progression of her negative behavior. At least I hope I can. And I truly believe the biggest way I can help with that is to hold on to her and show her someone is willing to keep trying.
I'm also perplexed because I don't know what kind of permanent damage may be done to the others in our house by keeping her. Can we turn her around before losing the others? And even if she was moved from our home, wouldn't we only get another girl who would or could cause the same problems? That seems to be the trend. Children keep being moved from homes for the sake of the other children in the home, only to be replaced with more children who cause the same problems. When do we stop moving them and start helping them? By knowing what's happening, and why, we can use this to make our other children stronger and more tolerant of diversity. We can teach them that we are all in this together, and people need other people to help out in order for all of us to reach the finish line. I want my children to learn to be caring and nurturing, understanding individuals. How can I do that if I have children removed from our home because their problems were inconvenient or a challenge to us?
I'm perplexed because I am feeling H&W is going to conclude they need to move this child and we will have no say in this matter. They will do it without our consent, or our asking. They will do it even though we want to do what we can to help this child. And I have to say, this is unusual, they really don't move children like this all that often like they used to. I'm really not sure why they are talking like they are going to do it here whether we want it or not.
More and more I have love in my heart and a smile on my face for Kristy even though she does something everyday to get to me. The more she does it, the more I want to make this work for her. She needs positive energy, think of her and think good thoughts for her. It could help!!
Thank you for reading, have a great weekend!!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
One Sugar or Two?
Sugar is a big issue in our house. Back when we had all teenagers, we mostly just discouraged it. Stacie's family would give her, literally, grocery bags full of candy at every visit. This to a girl who'd had to have 75% of her baby teeth pulled because they were rotted from all the candy she'd eaten. (I was going to insert a pic of tooth decay, but the pictures made me ill. If you want to see them click here.) Also, Granny had read an article about caffeine making you crave chocolate, and from that day forward, she banned it for the girls. This was hard at first because they were all so used to junk food and Mountain Dew. But they started getting used to drinking a lot of water, and were feeling better, and stopped griping about it. Of course, any time they were at group functions with Health and Welfare the social workers filled them with junk (a concept I never understood) and they got some at school where there are at least two vending machines on every wing of every floor in every high school.
Then we got Annie. I started doing a lot of research on fetal alcohol, and found that sugar was probably what was causing her chronic urinary tract infections, and that her body just wasn't able to break it down and process it which leads to behavior issues, so we took it out of her diet. (Among other things like food dyes and whole wheat, some dairy, and have lessened red meat.) Anyway, it's become a rule in the house. Sugar is out. Now all the kids are sugar free. But there's still conflict with new kids. But when you get kids like our 7 year old, who we had to take to the dentist and have 13 teeth removed because they were so rotted they smelled, it only makes sense to limit or eliminate entirely the sugar they were getting.
Kristy has had a real hard time with this, and is sure we've infringed on her civil rights by not allowing her to have sugar whenever she wants it. I've overheard her yelling in the bedroom about what witches we are and that she has a right to sugar. You know, at the ripe old age of 10 she's a real legal eagle!! How dare us try to take away her God-given right to sugar!!
The thing is, it isn't like they don't get treats. I try to bake something sugar-free with S
plenda once or twice a month. And we have a cookie jar full of sugar-free candy, and we let them drink diet soda once in a while, and we find sugar-free treats at Wal-Mart all the time! And honestly, from watching them devour whatever sugar-free treat we give them, they don't seem to mind the taste of Splenda. So what's the big deal? They aren't getting any fewer treats now than they would if we allowed them to have sugar, it's not like we'd keep the house stock-piled in cookies and candy and Mountain Dew!
plenda once or twice a month. And we have a cookie jar full of sugar-free candy, and we let them drink diet soda once in a while, and we find sugar-free treats at Wal-Mart all the time! And honestly, from watching them devour whatever sugar-free treat we give them, they don't seem to mind the taste of Splenda. So what's the big deal? They aren't getting any fewer treats now than they would if we allowed them to have sugar, it's not like we'd keep the house stock-piled in cookies and candy and Mountain Dew!What brought this up? I made oatmeal-cranberry cookies with sunflower seed last week, with Splenda, and Granny put them in their lunches today. On our way to day camp I got big thank you's from Annie and Cindy for the cookies and a "look" from Kristy. Sporting my new attitude, I smiled back and said, "I did it because I love all of you so much!" My new mantra to them is "with love in our hearts and a smile on our face." As in, we're about to go into church and every one's been fighting, and I say, "I'd like to have a nice family day today, so let's walk in to church with love in our hearts and a smile on our faces!" (I often say it as much for me as for them.) Anyway, my love you all comment melted a little of the ice and Kristy gave me a smile. So see, even though it's Splenda, it's still sweet!!
Thanks for reading!
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