The last time I posted was on Allee's birthday. It's been 2 1/2 years since she left, and no date in all that time has affected me like her birthday this year did. I can't really tell you why. I don't know if it was because she turned 21, and we'd had plans for what we were going to do together for her 21st birthday. It could just be that something inside my brain finally clicked and realized she's gone and probably never coming back. With all the training I get for being a foster parent, and for all the experiences we go through with our kids, I don't think anything can prepare you for this kind of thing. You can talk about it all you want. And it's no different than if it were to happen to someone with their own biological kid. Allee became a part of me in the short time she lived with me, and I embraced her whole-heartedly. When she left, she left a huge emptiness in me.
Sometimes I joke that I've developed attachment disorder from everything I've been through with the kids. I'm becoming more and more like them. But the reality is, I've learned not to trust, and not to get attached, and these are the very premises of attachment disorder. I had a teenage girl living with me last summer who was sweet and cute and full of energy and love. Her situation wasn't what most of these kids are going through, and she went home to her parents at the end of the summer. She visits often, and is doing well. From the first day she walked through my door she reminded me of Allee and Cami, and I put up a wall. I wasn't cold to her, or stand-offish, but I refused to attach, make a bond. I didn't cry when she went home, I hugged her and wished her luck. I am happy to see her and talk to her now, but I refused to let myself get involved with her like I did the other girls. I didn't want to be hurt again.
I spend so much time learning how to help the kids, and trying to help them, and I'm forgetting to learn how to help me. How do I protect myself but still give the kids everything they need? This may be a new issue to study and find a solution for. As foster parents, we need to find that happy medium where we can still give of ourselves, but still protect ourselves so we don't become cold or burn out. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Happy Birthday Allee!
Today is Allee's birthday. She's my oldest daughter, and is 21 today. I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. The last time she was at my house, she robbed it. Besides the stuff she took that she could get money for, she also took some very sentimental things. She took all my pictures of her off the walls. It was like she was trying to erase herself from my life. But I still carry her love notes in my purse, and her memory in my heart. I miss Allee so much it hurts. I would give anything to have her back.
Allee, if you happen upon this, please know that I love you. You have a place always in my heart and soul. I hope you are well, and happy, and that some day you'll come home.
Love always,
mom
My Birthday:
Allee's Birthday:
Allee, if you happen upon this, please know that I love you. You have a place always in my heart and soul. I hope you are well, and happy, and that some day you'll come home.
Love always,
mom
My Birthday:
| Your Birthdate: November 11 |
 Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world. You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm. Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche. Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done. Your strength: Your inner peace Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds Your power color: Emerald Your power symbol: Leaf Your power month: November |
Allee's Birthday:
| Your Birthdate: February 15 |
You take life as it is, and you find happiness in a variety of things. You tend to be close to family and friends. But it's hard to get into your inner circle. Making the little things wonderful is important to you, and you probably have an inviting home. You seek harmony with others, but occasionally you have a very stubborn streak. Your strength: Your intense optimism Your weakness: You shy away from exploring your talents Your power color: Jade Your power symbol: Flower Your power month: June |
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
I Wish There Were Another Way
But I Don't Know What Else to Do...
Annie started developing a facial tick. At first, I thought it was due to allergies because it involved her nose. If you told her to stop, she would. It's been going on for quite a while actually. And the poor kid, I didn't know it was a side effect of her medicine, Risperdone. I kept telling her to go blow her nose. Then when we were at the doc to evaluate we found out it was from the medicine.
We took her off the Risperdone. The doc wanted to see how she'd do with no meds before we tried something new. Oh my. Looking back at how she was when we started putting her on meds a few years ago, I saw her go back to the same irradict behavior over night. It is constant, and there is nothing to say or do to make it stop. She's irrational, and snaps instantly. She's much more moody and sensitive, and goes from happy to raging in the blink of an eye. It makes me wonder how we would have survived if they had not convinced me to try her on meds in the first place. Seeing this now, it makes me feel like we've been living in a dream world.
So the doc is going to have to try a new med for her. I don't know yet what it will be. I just think it's such a sad world where we have little kids on meds just so they can get through the day. Getting through a whole life takes counseling, constant supervision, and probably never really having true independence. If only her birth mother could understand what those drinks she had during pregnancy did to this beautiful little girl! People who drink or use drugs of any sort should have to face some sort of charges for the damage they are doing to these precious little people. It just makes you want to cry!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Annie started developing a facial tick. At first, I thought it was due to allergies because it involved her nose. If you told her to stop, she would. It's been going on for quite a while actually. And the poor kid, I didn't know it was a side effect of her medicine, Risperdone. I kept telling her to go blow her nose. Then when we were at the doc to evaluate we found out it was from the medicine.
We took her off the Risperdone. The doc wanted to see how she'd do with no meds before we tried something new. Oh my. Looking back at how she was when we started putting her on meds a few years ago, I saw her go back to the same irradict behavior over night. It is constant, and there is nothing to say or do to make it stop. She's irrational, and snaps instantly. She's much more moody and sensitive, and goes from happy to raging in the blink of an eye. It makes me wonder how we would have survived if they had not convinced me to try her on meds in the first place. Seeing this now, it makes me feel like we've been living in a dream world.
So the doc is going to have to try a new med for her. I don't know yet what it will be. I just think it's such a sad world where we have little kids on meds just so they can get through the day. Getting through a whole life takes counseling, constant supervision, and probably never really having true independence. If only her birth mother could understand what those drinks she had during pregnancy did to this beautiful little girl! People who drink or use drugs of any sort should have to face some sort of charges for the damage they are doing to these precious little people. It just makes you want to cry!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Loss and Grief
I'm Scared of Session 4!
I moonlight on some Thursdays. My boss knows about it, so I'm OK there. I spend those Thursdays with people who think they want to be foster parents, teaching them about what their job will entail and what to expect. It's really a good introductory course to foster care. It's very general and covers a lot of ground...well, skims a lot of ground. Of course, you actually learn the most about foster care while doing foster care, as with most anything.
So there's one session in the course during which we talk about loss and grief. We talk about all the different kinds of loss people endure during the course of their lives - expected losses, unexpected losses - that sort of thing. We also discuss grief and reactions to loss. This, of course, leads into the kinds of loss and grief they will be seeing and experiencing as a foster or adoptive parent.
Now, I am not the only foster parent who helps teach this course. There are about 5 of us, and we switch it around each round as to who teaches which session. But I've somehow had the grief and loss session for the last two rounds. (And will have it again in the coming round.) The day after teaching that session the first of those two rounds, I lost my last pair of jeans to an untimely tear in the knee. I shared this loss with my class, it was a nice comic relief.
So two weeks ago I taught that same session. The next day, my family and I were leaving the house, and my dog got out the front door and jetted into the street just as a truck came around the corner. Three of my children, one of their friends, my mom and I watched and screamed as we watched Louie Lobo get hit in front of our house. Luckily, he was relatively unharmed. He scraped his front left wrist but is otherwise OK. But I don't think the rest of us are. My three year old talks about it constantly, and the two older girls are much more careful when they open the front door now. I had a lot of trouble functioning the rest of the day, but am doing better now. I do notice that Louie is much more wary of the front door. But I attribute it to the class.
Now I'm afraid to teach that session again. I have superstitious tendencies (like the 49ers have had nothing but horrible seasons since I lost my lucky Niners t-shirt the day after Steve Young played his last game on that fateful day in Arizona with me sitting in the stands. If only I could find that t-shirt!) If I teach that session again, what will I lose this time?
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
I moonlight on some Thursdays. My boss knows about it, so I'm OK there. I spend those Thursdays with people who think they want to be foster parents, teaching them about what their job will entail and what to expect. It's really a good introductory course to foster care. It's very general and covers a lot of ground...well, skims a lot of ground. Of course, you actually learn the most about foster care while doing foster care, as with most anything.
So there's one session in the course during which we talk about loss and grief. We talk about all the different kinds of loss people endure during the course of their lives - expected losses, unexpected losses - that sort of thing. We also discuss grief and reactions to loss. This, of course, leads into the kinds of loss and grief they will be seeing and experiencing as a foster or adoptive parent.
Now, I am not the only foster parent who helps teach this course. There are about 5 of us, and we switch it around each round as to who teaches which session. But I've somehow had the grief and loss session for the last two rounds. (And will have it again in the coming round.) The day after teaching that session the first of those two rounds, I lost my last pair of jeans to an untimely tear in the knee. I shared this loss with my class, it was a nice comic relief.
So two weeks ago I taught that same session. The next day, my family and I were leaving the house, and my dog got out the front door and jetted into the street just as a truck came around the corner. Three of my children, one of their friends, my mom and I watched and screamed as we watched Louie Lobo get hit in front of our house. Luckily, he was relatively unharmed. He scraped his front left wrist but is otherwise OK. But I don't think the rest of us are. My three year old talks about it constantly, and the two older girls are much more careful when they open the front door now. I had a lot of trouble functioning the rest of the day, but am doing better now. I do notice that Louie is much more wary of the front door. But I attribute it to the class.
Now I'm afraid to teach that session again. I have superstitious tendencies (like the 49ers have had nothing but horrible seasons since I lost my lucky Niners t-shirt the day after Steve Young played his last game on that fateful day in Arizona with me sitting in the stands. If only I could find that t-shirt!) If I teach that session again, what will I lose this time?
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Monday, January 29, 2007
How Does it Look on Me?
I don't usually think pink, but...
I had to change my template. I had never switched over when Blogger went Beta, and since then my blog has been bogged down! Anyway, I hope now that I've switched it won't be so slow. Pink is not my favorite color, but the choices of templates leave a whole lot to be desired, and I don't have money to spend on having some really cool computer person out there design a super cool template for me. So I hope my stories are enough for you to enjoy!!
This is all I'm writing today. Remind me to talk about meds tomorrow!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
I had to change my template. I had never switched over when Blogger went Beta, and since then my blog has been bogged down! Anyway, I hope now that I've switched it won't be so slow. Pink is not my favorite color, but the choices of templates leave a whole lot to be desired, and I don't have money to spend on having some really cool computer person out there design a super cool template for me. So I hope my stories are enough for you to enjoy!!
This is all I'm writing today. Remind me to talk about meds tomorrow!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
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