Cami

I’ll never forget the first night Cami was with us. Her case manager brought her to the house, and she was bawling. She DID NOT want to live in Nampa! She was angry to be moved to a home so far from her friends, and I found out years later, that when she heard we had a baby in the house she was even more upset. They brought her piles and piles of stuff into our living room, it was late evening, and she looked so vulnerable. I felt an instant connection with her. I went to Wal-Mart to get her some towels of her own and a few other things she would need, and I picked up a card with Piglet on it because she’d mentioned liking pigs. When I got home and gave her the card she cried some more and told me she loved Piglet.
She started school two days later at the high school, and she was scared. In Boise she’d been in Junior High, but our ninth grade is in High School, so this was an even greater change for her. She told me she wasn’t going to bother making any friends because she already had enough friends at her old school and she didn’t need any more. I told her I bet she’d make at least seven friends on her first day. It was funny because she was so determined to be mad and hate living here. She got home from school and very reluctantly told me that she’d made exactly seven friends.
The first few weeks she tried real hard not to like anyone in the house. But one day, she was passing by when I was playing with Will, who was not even a year old yet, and she tickled him. He laughed his oh so irresistible laugh, and it was all over. She melted right before my eyes. From that moment on, they were bonded for life. To this day, if he gets mad at me all he wants to do is call Cami, and Will is one of the first people she asks about when she calls. She would play with him for hours, carry him around like he was hers, blows bubbles with him, bathe him, feed him, dress him, she wouldn’t let the other kids touch him.
She also started to feel a connection with me. You could tell because she sought me out to talk to about everything and nothing. She started calling me “mom” by her second week with me. Her aunt told me she had never called anyone else mom that fast, and there was only one other foster mom she’d used that name for. I was honored. I didn’t really know what I’d done to make her feel that way she did, I treated her like I did all my other kids. She told me, again years later, that I never acted like this was a job, but that all my kids really were my family and that made a difference to her. She’d felt like all her other homes treated foster care like a job.
But we weren’t without problems. She got in trouble at school, skipping classes, and then smoking marijuana. I left for a week one time to go to a foster care conference in Florida and spent most of that week on the phone with the babysitter discussing the trouble Cami and my oldest daughter were getting into constantly while I was gone. She caused a lot of trouble at home, fighting with the other kids, alienating them. She dated boys who were in trouble at school and sometimes even with the law. She lied constantly about where she was going, what she was doing. She tried to manipulate everyone she came in contact with.
But I never let up on her. I gave her consequences for everything she did, and I loved her more and more as the days went by. I’d always let her know how I felt about the things she was doing, and as I seem to do, tell her how things would turn out if she continued certain behaviors. I’m not always right about things, in fact, I often predict wrongly, but somehow, with her, I was able to predict outcomes pretty well. She hated it; telling me that I was always right and she should start listening to me but didn’t want to.
She fought back every time I enforced boundaries and rules with her. She kept increasing her behavior testing my limits. She told me she thought my rules were unfair, and that I should change them. But I never backed down with her, never wanted to give up. I don’t think she knew how to handle that, she was so used to people having her removed from their homes because of her behavior, and I just kept hanging on. One time we got another girl in the house about her age and she had a fit, crying and saying mean things. I couldn’t understand the problem since she’d been so bent on hating it here and not wanting to be part of our family, and when I finally got through her protective shell, she told me she didn’t want this girl to take me away from her. She couldn’t understand how I could share my love with more than one person. She also couldn’t understand how I could keep letting kids into my home and heart after some of the things other kids had said and done to me. She told me if I took this girl in she would know this was only a job to me. I didn’t let her manipulate me. I told what I always told her, this was never a job to me, and I CAN love lots of people at the same time. She said she didn’t believe me. What came in the next months was sort of shocking.
She said she wanted me to adopt her; she wanted to be a permanent part of the family. She’d been with us only about six months. I wanted to say yes, but told her I wanted her to ask me again after she’d been with us for a year. I wanted her to be sure she wanted it before we got into the process. She must have marked her calendar, because at the one-year anniversary of her coming to our home, she asked again.
I was a little surprised; we’d had a lot of ups and downs. She pushed away every time we started getting closer, and I really thought that like others like her who I’d had relationships with, she’d only been saying what she thought I wanted her to say, or was saying things to test me. She’d been moved around so many times, and had only one or two real life-long bonds with people from her past. And I know when she moved out to our home she planned to keep her distance until it was time to move on. Even after living with me for a year, and feeling like we’d made a connection, I felt like she wasn’t being 100% honest about wanting to be adopted, but I wanted it and I let my emotion rule the day.
I started talking to her case manager and her aunt about it. Through a lot of discussion, we started moving forward with the adoption. At first, she was acting very happy about it all. She really started connecting with my extended family, and making herself a permanent fixture in my heart. That summer was trying, though. She got a job and was working as many hours as she could get. I worried a little because I knew in the past, at other homes, she would involve herself in activities outside the home just to be away from the foster family she was living with. Her behavior started escalating again, she started getting colder towards the family.
Then we were only a month or two away from finalizing the adoption. Tragedy struck our home. Will’s mom got custody back. I’d raised him from birth, and Cami had been there for a majority of it. We were both devastated. He was leaving us, and though I knew we’d still see him because of our relationship with his mom, Cami didn’t believe it. She left me the same day he did. She told me she’d never loved me and everything I ever said to her went in one ear and out the other. It was a bad day to say it, because I was grieving a loss too, and couldn’t play this game with her. She told me she wanted to move, and I let her. At that moment, I didn’t have the strength to hold on to her.
I often regret my weakness in that moment. I wish I’d have held on to her until she stopped screaming. But I just couldn’t. And she moved a few days later. She moved to a horrible place where the foster mom truly did think of foster care as a job. Cami became a lone person in a home full of lone people, and I kept telling myself that I didn’t care, she’d pushed too far that time. But I did care, and it hurt for a very long time. Ironically, I had Will back in my home within a month. His mom voluntarily brought him back to me and eventually I adopted him. Cami’s case manager told me that when she went to see Cami, pictures of our family were all over her wall. She was still calling me mom. I missed her, but didn’t want her to hurt me or my other kids anymore.
After four long months of silence between us, we met again. Cami’s counselor, my miracle worker, brought us back together. We met in his office. He’d told me that with all Cami’s problems, her inability to love and be loved by others, he felt that she had finally let someone in, me, and that she did need me. I met with her, and had a list of things I needed to make clear if we were going to have a relationship moving forward. She listened to me, and she agreed with me. Some of the things I had to tell her hurt, but she finally felt a strong enough connection with someone that she was willing to let that someone call a few of the shots in the relationship.
Cami never moved back into my house. But we’ve never missed a single Christmas with each other. Everything has not been jellybeans and roses since, we’ve had plenty of “talks” and we’ve had to listen to each other. But she’s never left me again. She tells me she often hears me talking to her when she’s about to do something she knows I would hate, and sometime it keeps her from doing it.
She’s moved here and there, on her own at 18, with a little help from me and a few others. She’s finding her way, but she still calls me mom. She’s moved out of state, but comes to see us whenever she can, and she calls and texts often. She has since reunited with her birth mother, and said the first thing she told her mother was that she already has a mom, but she was willing to get to know her. I encouraged the reunification so she could never have any regrets.
When she comes home to visit I laugh because I hear her tell my kids to listen to me, I’m always right. I’m just glad I still have her and happy she’s glad to have me!

Another Halloween...

We are going all out this year. In the past, with the teenagers, we always got pretty elaborate. The whole front of our house was decorated and spooky, done mostly by the teens. We carved pumpkins using difficult patterns and making masterpieces. We put together ingenious costumes and drove around the city trick-or-treating. Then, somewhere along the way, we ran out of steam. To be honest, this has never been one of my favorite holidays anyway. I've always found pumpkin carving tedious, and walk around in the cold begging for candy...well....cold. I preferred to stay in and hand the candy out or watch spooky movies. Even as a kid, my costumes were a bit ho-hum, and I spent more time at home with a stack of movies than out walking the neighborhood.

With the teenagers gone and nobody to do the decorating, we really haven't decorated for a few years. Last year, we got paint out and had the kids paint their pumpkins. Whoopee....no wonder they all hate me! But this year something changed. I feel different. I really think I was going through a depression over the loss of my original teens, and still getting over the stress of the later teens, and just wasn't getting into all this at all. But the painted pumpkins, that was almost cruel. They were ugly and boring, and you couldn't see them at night.

This weekend, we celebrated autumn. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked out pumpkins. We made fry bread....it was SO good!!!!! We decorated the front porch, though still not as elaborate as it used to be, but the kids still love it. And we CARVED our pumpkins. They are so cute. We've bought new costumes for everyone, and they are adorable. I have a Spiderman, a Blue Power Ranger, a girl pirate, and blushing bride, a velvet princess, and a Bloody Mary. I, of course, will be Winnie the Pooh, as usual. In 1999 I bought this costume at the Disney Store, and it cost $50. I figured, if I wear it every year for 10 years, then it only cost me $5 a year. I'm almost there. And the kids love it, so it works. Besides, when Annie, Will and Andrew were smaller, I had Tigger and Eeyore costumes for them to wear, and we were awesome looking!!

Anyway, I guess the point is, I'm so proud of myself for getting back into the groove a little bit. I hope I can keep it up, because I had a lot of fun with my family this weekend. I'd like to keep having so much fun with them!! And we have pumpkin seeds to eat now...I LOVE pumpkin seeds!! I hope you all are having fun with this holiday! And just think, in a few days we can start looking forward to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE holiday, Christmas!!!! (I've only made them listen to Christmas music twice so far this year.)

Thanks for reading!

Jeanne Fowler

I've been away for a while, but I wanted to get back to my blog and tell you about someone I met recently. A few weekends ago we had our annual state foster parent conference, and I was very busy. I had the opportunity to teach two different workshops. The workshops went well, and as always, it's nice to be able to be so involved not only in my work as a foster parent, but also in helping recruit and retain other foster parents.



A few months back, when everything was being organized for the conference, a call went out for suggestions for speakers for the conference. I had to suggest someone. See, a couple of years ago, my daughter, Kneesaa, brought me this book she'd read. It was written by a woman who had grown up in foster care. I read the book, and bawled like a baby. Her story is so hard to imagine to be true, though it is definitely true. Her name is Jeanne Fowler, and her book is Peter's Lullaby. I had been to the website of her organization, Big Family of Michigan, and knew she spoke publicly, so I suggested her for our conference.


Much to my happy surprise, the powers that be decided to follow my suggestion and commission Jeanne to speak at our conference. I got to spend some time with her outside the conference to welcome her to the area. She was so excited that someone west of the Mississippi knew about her story. I was excited to meet her. And I was amazed. She was a happy woman, full of energy and enthusiasm for life. She has a great sense of humor, laughs a lot, and jokes a lot. I have a deep respect for her, and knowing her story, am in awe of her passion for people and life.

I sat through her presentation, during which she went through the same story she wrote about in her book, which I had already read. But I have to say, it was so much more powerful hearing it from the mouth of the person who lived it. We had to go out and buy more Kleenex for the second part of her presentation because we ran out during the first part. Jeanne does a great job of bringing the reality of family/domestic abuse towards children to the minds of people who have a hard time understanding the truth of it.

Her story is graphic and hard to read some times. But it's important, and I believe people need to know what kind of stuff is really happening to kids out there. People need to be aware that there is a need for more people to get involved, to help in whatever way they can. There are kids out there who need your help.


In writing this post, my hope is that more people will purchase and read Jeanne's book, and that more people will consider what they can do for the children of their community. Follow the link I've connected to the name of her book to the site where you can purchase it, and follow the link to her organization to see what kinds of organizations exist to help children. There are more ways to help than doing foster care. Even supporting local foster families, or organizations that work with kids can make a huge difference.


Thanks for reading.

Things That Help

Well, we've been on a little kick to make things a bit healthier in our home. We finally got new furniture. Our old set was so comfortable, but was the kind of material that soaks in dust and grime like a sponge does water, and that just won't due. Plus, it was old, and we were ready for a change. So we found a nice microfiber sofa/love seat/chair and ottoman set that we really love. I think the microfiber will be easier to keep the dust from collecting in. And this furniture is very comfortable. Plus, bonus feature, we got a sleeper sofa so I now have a place for my older daughters to sleep when they visit. Well, and my brother and sis-in-law too.

The other thing we're doing this week is changing out the living room carpet for Pergo. Our carpet is seven years old and looks like it's 15 years old. It wasn't the kind of carpet meant for the traffic of over 200 kiddos. (Of course, when we chose it I didn't know I was going to have so many kids, or kids at all for that matter.) We've already put Pergo in the hall and boys' room, and we love it. Again, it will be something that will not grab onto dust and hold it in for years and years.

Why my obsession with dust? Normally, I'd say whatever, but I now have kiddos with high allergies and asthma. The flooring in the boys' room has made a difference for them. I think it will really help having it in the living room as well. The girls already have wood flooring. My hope is that it will help us keep the environment cleaner not just for the kids, but also for my mom. Next I want to get her floor done in her room cuz right now hers is horrible, and I think it'd be easier to keep her somewhat healthy if we got rid of her carpet. Her room and my room will be the only ones in the house left with carpet. Our goal is to be carpet free. Once we reach that goal, then we'll also change out the tile in the kitchen for the Pergo, and last we'll change out the parquet in the girls' room for Pergo so eventually the whole house will have it except the bathrooms and laundry room.

That reminds me, I really need to change the filters on the furnace tonight.

Thanks for reading.

PRIDE

Parent Resource for Information, Development, Education

This is the class I teach sometimes to train incoming foster parents. I love this class for a number of reasons...I love to teach, I feel like I get something new out of it every time I teach it, and I like meeting new foster parents. The entire course is 27 hours, broken up in 3 hour sessions, and I usually teach 2 or 3 sessions. Last year there was one round when I was the only foster parent trainer fully available to teach, so I got to teach 6 of the 9 sessions. That was great!!

But I have to say, I have one pet peeve when I'm teaching this class. I get very irritated with those people who come in thinking they already know all there is to know and are only going through the motions so they can get their license and move on. First of all, NOBODY knows everything, and people who act like they do are usually the people who know the least. And I have to say, I believe that is true in EVERY situation, not just in foster parent training. Second, even people who've been working in the foster care system for 10 years will learn new things at every training, even training they've been through before...like I said, I get something new out of it every time I train it! And third, why are people so afraid to just open their mind and absorb rather than try to look like they already know all there is to know...and again, I feel this way about the way people behave in every situation in life.

One time I was talking about the grieving process, and all the stages people go through and explaining that people don't just text-book follow the process and be done with it, but people bounce around, and often hit certain stages more than once, going back to denial or anger, or bargaining every so often. And also that people never really stop grieving, that especially in children as they develop and grow, they revisit their losses and often go through stages of the process again and again. Mr. Know-It-All in the back started arguing. He said he used to teach this process in an adult therapy group and that it is a clear-cut process, he would explain to his clients that they would go through it, in order, blah-blah-blah. Whatever, I don't believe it. I've worked with a number of kids in foster care and seen them go through these stages in whatever order their brains go through them, and I've seen them re-enter a stage they've been through before, often a number of times before. I'm not just talking out my butt when I'm training this class. I use my experiences as a foster parent in my training. Mr. Know-It-All will never be successful in fostering until he opens his mind.

So why am I talking about all this? Because we're in the middle of training a new group of foster parents, and for the first time in 4 years, we have an entire class full of people who I really like. They all seem to have open minds, and are eager to learn. There are several in there who have different kinds of experience with kids or the law or are already taking care of relative foster children, but none of them are claiming to know it all. They are all there ready to learn, and willing to look at things from a new perspective. The discussions in this class are important and their questions are insightful. This is exciting to me, it gives me hope that we will get a lot of really good new foster homes! And we need them.

Not to change the subject, but here's just a little perspective: the number of children in foster care in our region of Idaho has doubled in the last year, but the number of foster homes has stayed the same. That means all our homes are full to bursting, and we have no beds for incoming kids. We've had to have social workers check into hotels with kids for the night while an available foster home was found, or kids and social workers sleeping in the office at Health and Welfare, or even social workers taking the kids to their homes for a night or two. Kids are having to be put in group homes who don't belong there just because there is no other place to put them. And this is an epidemic being experienced all over the country. If you've even thought about becoming a foster family, now is a really good time to finalize that decision and go for it! It's already traumatic enough for kids to be pulled out of their family, but then to have no place to go from there is even more traumatic. Having to sleep on a couch in an office, or stay in a hotel with strangers only adds to the damage being done to their psyche...call H&W up, do it, kids need you!!

Thanks for reading!!