I'm a Terrible Mom!

I could come up with a million excuses, some may even be plausible, but it doesn't take away from what I did. I was so excited for school to start again, and I apparently expected everything to gather itself and get itself ready for the kids to head off to school. Last night I was scrambling to fill back packs with needed school supplies. (Luckily we have a stock pile of supplies, and only need to buy a few things this year.) I hadn't had my kindergartner color the picture her teacher sent to have her color for her first day. I had no idea what the kids would wear on their first day, and they were already in bed.

So I get the kindergartner up this morning and have her sitting at the table coloring her picture before I take her to daycare while I"m trying to get ready for work. She's doing a pretty good job, and I'm feeling even more guilty because in the 4 weeks she's lived with me, I haven't even assessed her skills. I know she's ready for school, but I don't know HOW ready. I was impressed, and started thinking she may have some natural artistic ability. I'm thinking this as we're hurrying to get ready for her first day of school. I didn't even get a chance to go down and meet the teachers last Friday. Give me ten lashes.

I get her to daycare and ask them if she can finish coloring her picture there. They say sure and ask me when she's supposed to go meet her teacher. What? Today is the first day of school! Oh no, not for kindergartners. They are meeting their teachers today and tomorrow and don't start until Thursday. Holy cow, I'm a horrible mother. So I call Granny and ask her to look at the letter from the teacher, and sure enough, this little girl is supposed to meet her teacher this morning. I have to go to work, and Granny has to take Will to the psychiatrist. Where's my clone? Do I really need to go to work? Hahahahahahaha! But my wonderful daycare said they would take her over there for me. I love them!

Somebody should take my license away, I'm not being a very organized mom lately. Let's just hope I don't mess up the first week of soccer as bad as I have now messed up the first week of school. Somebody ground me, take away my shoes, something. I need to get my act together!

Thanks for reading!

Who's Lost Now?

I admit defeat. I can remember about a year ago feeling the same way, only actually even more defeated. Is it this time of year? Annie is in the "I don't care about anything, no matter what you do or say" mode, and she's winning. I'm taking it personally, and I'm not supposed to. But no matter what I do or say, she won't turn it around. How do you not take that personally?

I've been threatening her for months and months that if she doesn't start taking better care of her things, clothes, toys, whatever, she was going to find herself not having anything left. Well, I realize my first mistake was continuing to threaten and not doing anything about it. So I finally did it. I took all but three tops and three bottom, and three pairs of underwear from her closet. She was throwing her clothes in the bottom of the closet, putting clean clothes in the hamper rather than putting them away, leaving clothes laying all over the floor and even outside (huh?). For three days in a row she went out to play, took her shoes off, and then just left them out there, so there were three pair of shoes out there. But it isn't even only about the clothes.

She's been yelling at the other kids, being absolutely hateful to our 7 year old. She's been stealing candy (OLD candy from the lost depths of our pantry) and throwing huge tantrums. Everything she can do to get in trouble, she's been doing. For a while I was thinking it was fallout from losing Kristy, but when I look a little harder, I realize it started when we picked her up from Bible Camp. And it just gets worse day after day. And I finally came to the end of my rope. And I emptied her closet out. I told her the only way she can get any of it back is to start earning it with good behavior. So what does she do? Spits on Cindy, talks back to Granny, make me want to start a bonfire!

I don't know if this stems from anxiety. School is starting soon, and she'll have a new teacher and new class rules, more homework. She's surely anxious about Granny's failing health. She's anxious about the changes in the house, and now another one is leaving. (The 7 year old is going home.) I hope all this stems from anxiety over these things rather than just being cold-blooded sociopathic behavior! But like I said, she's broken me down, and I'm having trouble coping, trying to maintain, trying not to take things personal, because all this feels VERY personal.

We all need a prayer to make it through this time of turmoil. I hope we can be out of this before Christmas. Pretty soon she'll stop believing Santa is watching her, and then what will she care enough about to make her want to be a nice person? God help us all!!!

Thank you for reading!

Untitled

I thought about calling this "Where Did You Go" or "Lost Girls" but can't decide. I had the desire to write a song one day. I was missing Allee a lot and they called and said they were moving Kristy. I'd never written a song before and suddenly really wanted to. It would be cool if someone like Pink sang it because Allee really liked Pink. Anyway, here it is, what do you think? Title suggestions?

I remember you, when I was a girl
I was sitting on your lap,
You were whispering in my ear, mommy to me, together we’d be.
I remember feeling your arms around me keeping me warm, keeping me.
I wish I had a picture. I wish you were here now.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember going to the fair
Laughing with you beside me eating cotton candy,
Hanging on to you as we flew through the air on the swings.
I remember being at home sitting on the porch pointing out butterflies with you, being with you.
I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you could come back.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember searching the streets for you, wondering why,
Keeping warm without you at night, then waving goodbye to you as they drove me away.
Sleeping in strange beds, living with strangers, year after year while you were where?
I can remember hoping never to see you again, never to hear your voice again
But I didn’t mean it then, and especially not now that I won’t see you ever.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I’m all grown up now, I’m a woman on the run.
I can’t find my home, I can’t find my mom.
My daughter cries and I see your eyes, I hold her tight
And point out butterflies. I hope I can be what you weren’t for me.
And keep her safe for eternity. She’ll always know where I am, where are you?

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

SMILE!

Smiling is infectious,You can catch it like the flu.Someone smiled at me
today,And I started smiling too.~Author Unknown

I made a vow this morning to my image in the mirror as I was putting on my eye liner. I told myself I would smile no matter what happened. Everyone has seemed so negative lately, and I know it's the fallout from losing Kristy and other seemingly minor incidents that are much more than minor in the eyes of children. Cindy's mom was supposed to send her birthday present (3 months late) but still didn't. Annie is overwhelmed by the changes in personel, what with Kristy leaving and the two girls moving in. Will is going to daycare regularly now, and he's having trouble adjusting. Granny is sick, they found a large blood clot in her lung, and I'm so scared.

But everyone is taking their fear and frustration out on each other, and I'm no better than the rest. So I smiled. I walked out of the bedroom and smiled at each of my children. I gave them eacha sing-songy good morning. I smiled at my mom, and she in turn smiled at Annie. Annie commented that she hadn't been yelled at this morning. Annie made her bed!!!! Cindy smiled and was nice to the boys. The boys didn't fight all the way to the van, or in the van. Will didn't cry when we got to daycare.

I got to work and with an armload of stuff, dropped my keys, but I smiled. God please give me the strength to keep smiling! Please help Granny smile all day. Please help Annie have a fit-free day! Please help Cindy be happy. We're having nachos for dinner afterall!

Thanks for reading, and smile!