Another Halloween...

We are going all out this year. In the past, with the teenagers, we always got pretty elaborate. The whole front of our house was decorated and spooky, done mostly by the teens. We carved pumpkins using difficult patterns and making masterpieces. We put together ingenious costumes and drove around the city trick-or-treating. Then, somewhere along the way, we ran out of steam. To be honest, this has never been one of my favorite holidays anyway. I've always found pumpkin carving tedious, and walk around in the cold begging for candy...well....cold. I preferred to stay in and hand the candy out or watch spooky movies. Even as a kid, my costumes were a bit ho-hum, and I spent more time at home with a stack of movies than out walking the neighborhood.

With the teenagers gone and nobody to do the decorating, we really haven't decorated for a few years. Last year, we got paint out and had the kids paint their pumpkins. Whoopee....no wonder they all hate me! But this year something changed. I feel different. I really think I was going through a depression over the loss of my original teens, and still getting over the stress of the later teens, and just wasn't getting into all this at all. But the painted pumpkins, that was almost cruel. They were ugly and boring, and you couldn't see them at night.

This weekend, we celebrated autumn. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked out pumpkins. We made fry bread....it was SO good!!!!! We decorated the front porch, though still not as elaborate as it used to be, but the kids still love it. And we CARVED our pumpkins. They are so cute. We've bought new costumes for everyone, and they are adorable. I have a Spiderman, a Blue Power Ranger, a girl pirate, and blushing bride, a velvet princess, and a Bloody Mary. I, of course, will be Winnie the Pooh, as usual. In 1999 I bought this costume at the Disney Store, and it cost $50. I figured, if I wear it every year for 10 years, then it only cost me $5 a year. I'm almost there. And the kids love it, so it works. Besides, when Annie, Will and Andrew were smaller, I had Tigger and Eeyore costumes for them to wear, and we were awesome looking!!

Anyway, I guess the point is, I'm so proud of myself for getting back into the groove a little bit. I hope I can keep it up, because I had a lot of fun with my family this weekend. I'd like to keep having so much fun with them!! And we have pumpkin seeds to eat now...I LOVE pumpkin seeds!! I hope you all are having fun with this holiday! And just think, in a few days we can start looking forward to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE holiday, Christmas!!!! (I've only made them listen to Christmas music twice so far this year.)

Thanks for reading!

Jeanne Fowler

I've been away for a while, but I wanted to get back to my blog and tell you about someone I met recently. A few weekends ago we had our annual state foster parent conference, and I was very busy. I had the opportunity to teach two different workshops. The workshops went well, and as always, it's nice to be able to be so involved not only in my work as a foster parent, but also in helping recruit and retain other foster parents.



A few months back, when everything was being organized for the conference, a call went out for suggestions for speakers for the conference. I had to suggest someone. See, a couple of years ago, my daughter, Kneesaa, brought me this book she'd read. It was written by a woman who had grown up in foster care. I read the book, and bawled like a baby. Her story is so hard to imagine to be true, though it is definitely true. Her name is Jeanne Fowler, and her book is Peter's Lullaby. I had been to the website of her organization, Big Family of Michigan, and knew she spoke publicly, so I suggested her for our conference.


Much to my happy surprise, the powers that be decided to follow my suggestion and commission Jeanne to speak at our conference. I got to spend some time with her outside the conference to welcome her to the area. She was so excited that someone west of the Mississippi knew about her story. I was excited to meet her. And I was amazed. She was a happy woman, full of energy and enthusiasm for life. She has a great sense of humor, laughs a lot, and jokes a lot. I have a deep respect for her, and knowing her story, am in awe of her passion for people and life.

I sat through her presentation, during which she went through the same story she wrote about in her book, which I had already read. But I have to say, it was so much more powerful hearing it from the mouth of the person who lived it. We had to go out and buy more Kleenex for the second part of her presentation because we ran out during the first part. Jeanne does a great job of bringing the reality of family/domestic abuse towards children to the minds of people who have a hard time understanding the truth of it.

Her story is graphic and hard to read some times. But it's important, and I believe people need to know what kind of stuff is really happening to kids out there. People need to be aware that there is a need for more people to get involved, to help in whatever way they can. There are kids out there who need your help.


In writing this post, my hope is that more people will purchase and read Jeanne's book, and that more people will consider what they can do for the children of their community. Follow the link I've connected to the name of her book to the site where you can purchase it, and follow the link to her organization to see what kinds of organizations exist to help children. There are more ways to help than doing foster care. Even supporting local foster families, or organizations that work with kids can make a huge difference.


Thanks for reading.

Things That Help

Well, we've been on a little kick to make things a bit healthier in our home. We finally got new furniture. Our old set was so comfortable, but was the kind of material that soaks in dust and grime like a sponge does water, and that just won't due. Plus, it was old, and we were ready for a change. So we found a nice microfiber sofa/love seat/chair and ottoman set that we really love. I think the microfiber will be easier to keep the dust from collecting in. And this furniture is very comfortable. Plus, bonus feature, we got a sleeper sofa so I now have a place for my older daughters to sleep when they visit. Well, and my brother and sis-in-law too.

The other thing we're doing this week is changing out the living room carpet for Pergo. Our carpet is seven years old and looks like it's 15 years old. It wasn't the kind of carpet meant for the traffic of over 200 kiddos. (Of course, when we chose it I didn't know I was going to have so many kids, or kids at all for that matter.) We've already put Pergo in the hall and boys' room, and we love it. Again, it will be something that will not grab onto dust and hold it in for years and years.

Why my obsession with dust? Normally, I'd say whatever, but I now have kiddos with high allergies and asthma. The flooring in the boys' room has made a difference for them. I think it will really help having it in the living room as well. The girls already have wood flooring. My hope is that it will help us keep the environment cleaner not just for the kids, but also for my mom. Next I want to get her floor done in her room cuz right now hers is horrible, and I think it'd be easier to keep her somewhat healthy if we got rid of her carpet. Her room and my room will be the only ones in the house left with carpet. Our goal is to be carpet free. Once we reach that goal, then we'll also change out the tile in the kitchen for the Pergo, and last we'll change out the parquet in the girls' room for Pergo so eventually the whole house will have it except the bathrooms and laundry room.

That reminds me, I really need to change the filters on the furnace tonight.

Thanks for reading.

PRIDE

Parent Resource for Information, Development, Education

This is the class I teach sometimes to train incoming foster parents. I love this class for a number of reasons...I love to teach, I feel like I get something new out of it every time I teach it, and I like meeting new foster parents. The entire course is 27 hours, broken up in 3 hour sessions, and I usually teach 2 or 3 sessions. Last year there was one round when I was the only foster parent trainer fully available to teach, so I got to teach 6 of the 9 sessions. That was great!!

But I have to say, I have one pet peeve when I'm teaching this class. I get very irritated with those people who come in thinking they already know all there is to know and are only going through the motions so they can get their license and move on. First of all, NOBODY knows everything, and people who act like they do are usually the people who know the least. And I have to say, I believe that is true in EVERY situation, not just in foster parent training. Second, even people who've been working in the foster care system for 10 years will learn new things at every training, even training they've been through before...like I said, I get something new out of it every time I train it! And third, why are people so afraid to just open their mind and absorb rather than try to look like they already know all there is to know...and again, I feel this way about the way people behave in every situation in life.

One time I was talking about the grieving process, and all the stages people go through and explaining that people don't just text-book follow the process and be done with it, but people bounce around, and often hit certain stages more than once, going back to denial or anger, or bargaining every so often. And also that people never really stop grieving, that especially in children as they develop and grow, they revisit their losses and often go through stages of the process again and again. Mr. Know-It-All in the back started arguing. He said he used to teach this process in an adult therapy group and that it is a clear-cut process, he would explain to his clients that they would go through it, in order, blah-blah-blah. Whatever, I don't believe it. I've worked with a number of kids in foster care and seen them go through these stages in whatever order their brains go through them, and I've seen them re-enter a stage they've been through before, often a number of times before. I'm not just talking out my butt when I'm training this class. I use my experiences as a foster parent in my training. Mr. Know-It-All will never be successful in fostering until he opens his mind.

So why am I talking about all this? Because we're in the middle of training a new group of foster parents, and for the first time in 4 years, we have an entire class full of people who I really like. They all seem to have open minds, and are eager to learn. There are several in there who have different kinds of experience with kids or the law or are already taking care of relative foster children, but none of them are claiming to know it all. They are all there ready to learn, and willing to look at things from a new perspective. The discussions in this class are important and their questions are insightful. This is exciting to me, it gives me hope that we will get a lot of really good new foster homes! And we need them.

Not to change the subject, but here's just a little perspective: the number of children in foster care in our region of Idaho has doubled in the last year, but the number of foster homes has stayed the same. That means all our homes are full to bursting, and we have no beds for incoming kids. We've had to have social workers check into hotels with kids for the night while an available foster home was found, or kids and social workers sleeping in the office at Health and Welfare, or even social workers taking the kids to their homes for a night or two. Kids are having to be put in group homes who don't belong there just because there is no other place to put them. And this is an epidemic being experienced all over the country. If you've even thought about becoming a foster family, now is a really good time to finalize that decision and go for it! It's already traumatic enough for kids to be pulled out of their family, but then to have no place to go from there is even more traumatic. Having to sleep on a couch in an office, or stay in a hotel with strangers only adds to the damage being done to their psyche...call H&W up, do it, kids need you!!

Thanks for reading!!

Remembering What You're Dealing With

Sometimes, knowing what we're dealing with, and remembering what that is in the heat of the moment, are two very different things. Especially when it comes to being scared to death.

The girls' school is doing a fund raiser, and the kids have to sell all this stuff to friends and family. No door to door sales allowed, of course. So when Annie asked if she could take hers to a few friends in the neighborhood, I let her, but said over and over, NO DOOR TO DOOR, stay away from houses we don't know. And she did well. But then she went to the wrong house, next door to her friends' house. "He was a stranger, but he was nice!" And he bought something. This was NOT what I needed to hear! Now I have to be afraid she'll go door to door.

Then Annie realized her new little sister had not made any sales other than what I bought. Now this is where you see she does have a big heart. She wanted to help her sister get some sales. She asked if she could take her to the neighbor, and I said yes. And then she and I were going to go to the store. Well, about 20 minutes later, the girls were not back. I went outside, and looked at the neighbor's house where they were given permission to go, and there were no cars in the drive-way. I asked Cindy where the girls went and she pointed down the road in the opposite direction. I got in my van and started perusing the neighborhood looking for them. I drove around for the next 40 minutes going up and down every street in our subdivision more than once, and could not find them. I was panicking. I was stopping people I saw in their yards and asking if they'd seen two little girls. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and finally said, call the police. I couldn't remember what shirt the younger one had changed into when we got home from church.

Just then, I saw them walking towards home. I went berserk. I had thought the worst and couldn't believe Annie had taken off like this after three star days in a row. I yelled all the way home, fear and relief coming out at the same time. I made them eat dinner and go to bed early. Annie stole gum out of my purse and while she was in bed early, she got the gum in her hair. This escalated into an argument between her and me because she wouldn't tell the truth about the gum. Look how fast stars turn into X's!! (She gets stars for good behavior days and X's for bad behavior days. She gets allowance for star days, and no allowance and no TV for X days.) It snowballs, one bad thing turns into another, and she won't stop, or can't stop, she keeps doing things. It's like star days put her brain in overload until she blows and starts getting X's. (If she gets an X, then continues to have bad behavior, she gets chore sticks.)

What it usually takes me a day to sit back and remember is that she has brain damage. Her birth mom drank during pregnancy. Alcohol puts holes in the child's brain. It takes away their ability for impulse control. It damages or completely exterminates short term memory. She was getting excited about the sales she'd made, and wanted more, even if the sales would go to her sister. The minute the two girls walked out the door, she forgot we were going to the store. The impulse to try to sell more was too great. The fact that she'd successfully sold something to a stranger, and nothing had happened to her was too tempting. Then, once she got in trouble, the ability to deal with her emotions was gone, and she kept doing more things that got her in trouble. Her behavior can't be excused, and it can't be left ignored, but my behavior can be controlled, and I need to take everything into consideration. I did good by not going overboard with discipline. But I let my fear get the best of me, and in my relief that she was OK, not kidnapped or dead, I let it out on her. That may or may not have been the right thing to do. I can't take it back, and it does no good to dwell, I just need to learn from this. My capacity to learn is far greater than hers, and I need to make the changes necessary for both our sakes. With her brain damage, it is my responsibility to try to keep her from being put in such tempting situations, while at the same time allowing her to grow and learn and become independent.

This is my challenge in life. I gladly take it on.
Thanks for reading.

I'm a Terrible Mom!

I could come up with a million excuses, some may even be plausible, but it doesn't take away from what I did. I was so excited for school to start again, and I apparently expected everything to gather itself and get itself ready for the kids to head off to school. Last night I was scrambling to fill back packs with needed school supplies. (Luckily we have a stock pile of supplies, and only need to buy a few things this year.) I hadn't had my kindergartner color the picture her teacher sent to have her color for her first day. I had no idea what the kids would wear on their first day, and they were already in bed.

So I get the kindergartner up this morning and have her sitting at the table coloring her picture before I take her to daycare while I"m trying to get ready for work. She's doing a pretty good job, and I'm feeling even more guilty because in the 4 weeks she's lived with me, I haven't even assessed her skills. I know she's ready for school, but I don't know HOW ready. I was impressed, and started thinking she may have some natural artistic ability. I'm thinking this as we're hurrying to get ready for her first day of school. I didn't even get a chance to go down and meet the teachers last Friday. Give me ten lashes.

I get her to daycare and ask them if she can finish coloring her picture there. They say sure and ask me when she's supposed to go meet her teacher. What? Today is the first day of school! Oh no, not for kindergartners. They are meeting their teachers today and tomorrow and don't start until Thursday. Holy cow, I'm a horrible mother. So I call Granny and ask her to look at the letter from the teacher, and sure enough, this little girl is supposed to meet her teacher this morning. I have to go to work, and Granny has to take Will to the psychiatrist. Where's my clone? Do I really need to go to work? Hahahahahahaha! But my wonderful daycare said they would take her over there for me. I love them!

Somebody should take my license away, I'm not being a very organized mom lately. Let's just hope I don't mess up the first week of soccer as bad as I have now messed up the first week of school. Somebody ground me, take away my shoes, something. I need to get my act together!

Thanks for reading!

Who's Lost Now?

I admit defeat. I can remember about a year ago feeling the same way, only actually even more defeated. Is it this time of year? Annie is in the "I don't care about anything, no matter what you do or say" mode, and she's winning. I'm taking it personally, and I'm not supposed to. But no matter what I do or say, she won't turn it around. How do you not take that personally?

I've been threatening her for months and months that if she doesn't start taking better care of her things, clothes, toys, whatever, she was going to find herself not having anything left. Well, I realize my first mistake was continuing to threaten and not doing anything about it. So I finally did it. I took all but three tops and three bottom, and three pairs of underwear from her closet. She was throwing her clothes in the bottom of the closet, putting clean clothes in the hamper rather than putting them away, leaving clothes laying all over the floor and even outside (huh?). For three days in a row she went out to play, took her shoes off, and then just left them out there, so there were three pair of shoes out there. But it isn't even only about the clothes.

She's been yelling at the other kids, being absolutely hateful to our 7 year old. She's been stealing candy (OLD candy from the lost depths of our pantry) and throwing huge tantrums. Everything she can do to get in trouble, she's been doing. For a while I was thinking it was fallout from losing Kristy, but when I look a little harder, I realize it started when we picked her up from Bible Camp. And it just gets worse day after day. And I finally came to the end of my rope. And I emptied her closet out. I told her the only way she can get any of it back is to start earning it with good behavior. So what does she do? Spits on Cindy, talks back to Granny, make me want to start a bonfire!

I don't know if this stems from anxiety. School is starting soon, and she'll have a new teacher and new class rules, more homework. She's surely anxious about Granny's failing health. She's anxious about the changes in the house, and now another one is leaving. (The 7 year old is going home.) I hope all this stems from anxiety over these things rather than just being cold-blooded sociopathic behavior! But like I said, she's broken me down, and I'm having trouble coping, trying to maintain, trying not to take things personal, because all this feels VERY personal.

We all need a prayer to make it through this time of turmoil. I hope we can be out of this before Christmas. Pretty soon she'll stop believing Santa is watching her, and then what will she care enough about to make her want to be a nice person? God help us all!!!

Thank you for reading!

Untitled

I thought about calling this "Where Did You Go" or "Lost Girls" but can't decide. I had the desire to write a song one day. I was missing Allee a lot and they called and said they were moving Kristy. I'd never written a song before and suddenly really wanted to. It would be cool if someone like Pink sang it because Allee really liked Pink. Anyway, here it is, what do you think? Title suggestions?

I remember you, when I was a girl
I was sitting on your lap,
You were whispering in my ear, mommy to me, together we’d be.
I remember feeling your arms around me keeping me warm, keeping me.
I wish I had a picture. I wish you were here now.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember going to the fair
Laughing with you beside me eating cotton candy,
Hanging on to you as we flew through the air on the swings.
I remember being at home sitting on the porch pointing out butterflies with you, being with you.
I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you could come back.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember searching the streets for you, wondering why,
Keeping warm without you at night, then waving goodbye to you as they drove me away.
Sleeping in strange beds, living with strangers, year after year while you were where?
I can remember hoping never to see you again, never to hear your voice again
But I didn’t mean it then, and especially not now that I won’t see you ever.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I’m all grown up now, I’m a woman on the run.
I can’t find my home, I can’t find my mom.
My daughter cries and I see your eyes, I hold her tight
And point out butterflies. I hope I can be what you weren’t for me.
And keep her safe for eternity. She’ll always know where I am, where are you?

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

SMILE!

Smiling is infectious,You can catch it like the flu.Someone smiled at me
today,And I started smiling too.~Author Unknown

I made a vow this morning to my image in the mirror as I was putting on my eye liner. I told myself I would smile no matter what happened. Everyone has seemed so negative lately, and I know it's the fallout from losing Kristy and other seemingly minor incidents that are much more than minor in the eyes of children. Cindy's mom was supposed to send her birthday present (3 months late) but still didn't. Annie is overwhelmed by the changes in personel, what with Kristy leaving and the two girls moving in. Will is going to daycare regularly now, and he's having trouble adjusting. Granny is sick, they found a large blood clot in her lung, and I'm so scared.

But everyone is taking their fear and frustration out on each other, and I'm no better than the rest. So I smiled. I walked out of the bedroom and smiled at each of my children. I gave them eacha sing-songy good morning. I smiled at my mom, and she in turn smiled at Annie. Annie commented that she hadn't been yelled at this morning. Annie made her bed!!!! Cindy smiled and was nice to the boys. The boys didn't fight all the way to the van, or in the van. Will didn't cry when we got to daycare.

I got to work and with an armload of stuff, dropped my keys, but I smiled. God please give me the strength to keep smiling! Please help Granny smile all day. Please help Annie have a fit-free day! Please help Cindy be happy. We're having nachos for dinner afterall!

Thanks for reading, and smile!

FIRE!!!!!

We had to make the decision to cancel our camping trip yesterday. Idaho is pretty much on fire, and we didn't want to get up there and then find ourselves being evacuated and losing all our camping gear and all that mess. Just being down here in the basin, the smoke is getting so bad the boys' asthma is acting up and everyone's allergies are getting out of control. All my kids have puffy purple bags under their eyes, my eyes feel like there's sandpaper in them. If we went up to the campground where we had a reservation, we'd be surrounded by smoke and fires.

We're going to camp in our backyard instead. I think that will be fun. It will be hot since we keep getting in the triple digits here, but we can still go to the lake which is only up the road about two miles from our house. And if we decide we want our own beds, they're right there! :-)

Be careful all you who decide to brave the mountains right now. Those fires can move fast, and they say new ones keep popping up which is making it impossible to get them under control.

So Many Cliches Work Here...

Uh, everything happens for a reason, God works in mysterious ways, when one door closes another opens...you name it.

So Kristy is gone. She and Cindy got back from camp Friday night and Kristy was picked up an hour later. Nothing I said or did could change it, and believe me, I tried. And then, oddly enough, something totally unrelated and opposite happened.

My two-year has four siblings. Two live in this area, and two live in another state. We've never met any of them. We were told the two here were in a placement with a family who intended to adopt. Those two had never really met my boy. It was actually kind of strange that there was never an effort to put these kids in contact to make connections. But their case worker was at our house last week for a monthly home visit, and she had a question for me. She said the girls' foster parents had decided not to adopt the girls, and they needed a new placement for them. She asked if we would consider taking them. We asked if we could meet them first. Well, actually my first gut reaction which I blurted out was "YES". But then I asked if we could meet them. So the girls are going camping with us this week.

They came over on Saturday for a preliminary meeting, and they are SO cute!! The younger one looks just like her brother!! I think I fell in love right off the bat. And the family they've been living with these last three years are so nice. I kind of got excited. We haven't told any of the kids. Right now, they know the girls are coming camping, but they think it's a respite thing. I thought, and the other family thought, that if this works out, we'd spend the next few weeks transitioning them to our home, but H&W isn't thinking that at all. If this works out, they are moving in like next week! Holy cow! And this will be permanent. Adoption.

Here's the numbers: I have three grown adopted daughters. I have one 8 year old adopted daughter and one 3 year old adopted son. The process is beginning for my adoption of Cindy, age 11. I will be adopting my 2 year old boy. And now I will be adding five and six year old sisters to the brood. That makes nine. 7 girls and 2 boys. Good grief. My favorite show when I was younger was Eight is Enough, and it's kind of the same because one of my three oldest isn't actually legally adopted, though in my heart she's mine. So I'll have adopted 8. But on the show there were 3 boys instead of two, but oh well. At least they won't have the same names.

What were their names? Tommy, David, Nicholas, Susan, Joanie, Elizabeth, Mary, and what was the last one? This will bother me all day. Let me know if you know.

Thanks for reading.

Sad Update...

This just in..........

I want to cry. Granny just called me. H&W called and they are moving Kristy, tonight. We don't get time to say goodbye or help her understand why and that we aren't rejecting her. It's a sad day at the Angel Retreat. I have love in my heart, but tears on my face.

Feeling Perplexed

I've told you a bit about Kristy. She's a challenge, to say the least. And she's smart, which actually makes her more challenging than others we've had. Her behaviors include sexual acting out with our other kiddos, vengeful defiance, manipulation including manipulating the others in order to get them in trouble, stealing, triangulation, and, my favorite, playing the chronic victim. If she were an adult, I'd simply not associate myself with her. But she isn't an adult, she's a 10 year old girl who is hurting and scared, and is only behaving the way she's been taught to behave for all but the last 5 months of her life. How can you fault her for that?

I'm perplexed because there's something about her that makes me not want to give up on her. In this case, I think it's going to benefit her that I used to have a house full of teenagers. When Kristy came to me in February, she'd been in care only 2 weeks, and had already been moved 5 times. Her behavior and the behavior of her 3 siblings were the direct cause of their movement. But after having teens who'd spent most of their young lives moving from home to home, mostly because of their own behavior, and knowing how those moves contributed negatively to their adult personalities and behavior, I can't be in on a decision to move Kristy again. I feel it would only do her more harm than good. This little girl is lost in the wind, and needs some stability. I don't think I can change her, but I think I can help stop the progression of her negative behavior. At least I hope I can. And I truly believe the biggest way I can help with that is to hold on to her and show her someone is willing to keep trying.

I'm also perplexed because I don't know what kind of permanent damage may be done to the others in our house by keeping her. Can we turn her around before losing the others? And even if she was moved from our home, wouldn't we only get another girl who would or could cause the same problems? That seems to be the trend. Children keep being moved from homes for the sake of the other children in the home, only to be replaced with more children who cause the same problems. When do we stop moving them and start helping them? By knowing what's happening, and why, we can use this to make our other children stronger and more tolerant of diversity. We can teach them that we are all in this together, and people need other people to help out in order for all of us to reach the finish line. I want my children to learn to be caring and nurturing, understanding individuals. How can I do that if I have children removed from our home because their problems were inconvenient or a challenge to us?

I'm perplexed because I am feeling H&W is going to conclude they need to move this child and we will have no say in this matter. They will do it without our consent, or our asking. They will do it even though we want to do what we can to help this child. And I have to say, this is unusual, they really don't move children like this all that often like they used to. I'm really not sure why they are talking like they are going to do it here whether we want it or not.

More and more I have love in my heart and a smile on my face for Kristy even though she does something everyday to get to me. The more she does it, the more I want to make this work for her. She needs positive energy, think of her and think good thoughts for her. It could help!!

Thank you for reading, have a great weekend!!

One Sugar or Two?

Sugar is a big issue in our house. Back when we had all teenagers, we mostly just discouraged it. Stacie's family would give her, literally, grocery bags full of candy at every visit. This to a girl who'd had to have 75% of her baby teeth pulled because they were rotted from all the candy she'd eaten. (I was going to insert a pic of tooth decay, but the pictures made me ill. If you want to see them click here.) Also, Granny had read an article about caffeine making you crave chocolate, and from that day forward, she banned it for the girls. This was hard at first because they were all so used to junk food and Mountain Dew. But they started getting used to drinking a lot of water, and were feeling better, and stopped griping about it. Of course, any time they were at group functions with Health and Welfare the social workers filled them with junk (a concept I never understood) and they got some at school where there are at least two vending machines on every wing of every floor in every high school.

Then we got Annie. I started doing a lot of research on fetal alcohol, and found that sugar was probably what was causing her chronic urinary tract infections, and that her body just wasn't able to break it down and process it which leads to behavior issues, so we took it out of her diet. (Among other things like food dyes and whole wheat, some dairy, and have lessened red meat.) Anyway, it's become a rule in the house. Sugar is out. Now all the kids are sugar free. But there's still conflict with new kids. But when you get kids like our 7 year old, who we had to take to the dentist and have 13 teeth removed because they were so rotted they smelled, it only makes sense to limit or eliminate entirely the sugar they were getting.

Kristy has had a real hard time with this, and is sure we've infringed on her civil rights by not allowing her to have sugar whenever she wants it. I've overheard her yelling in the bedroom about what witches we are and that she has a right to sugar. You know, at the ripe old age of 10 she's a real legal eagle!! How dare us try to take away her God-given right to sugar!!

The thing is, it isn't like they don't get treats. I try to bake something sugar-free with Splenda once or twice a month. And we have a cookie jar full of sugar-free candy, and we let them drink diet soda once in a while, and we find sugar-free treats at Wal-Mart all the time! And honestly, from watching them devour whatever sugar-free treat we give them, they don't seem to mind the taste of Splenda. So what's the big deal? They aren't getting any fewer treats now than they would if we allowed them to have sugar, it's not like we'd keep the house stock-piled in cookies and candy and Mountain Dew!

What brought this up? I made oatmeal-cranberry cookies with sunflower seed last week, with Splenda, and Granny put them in their lunches today. On our way to day camp I got big thank you's from Annie and Cindy for the cookies and a "look" from Kristy. Sporting my new attitude, I smiled back and said, "I did it because I love all of you so much!" My new mantra to them is "with love in our hearts and a smile on our face." As in, we're about to go into church and every one's been fighting, and I say, "I'd like to have a nice family day today, so let's walk in to church with love in our hearts and a smile on our faces!" (I often say it as much for me as for them.) Anyway, my love you all comment melted a little of the ice and Kristy gave me a smile. So see, even though it's Splenda, it's still sweet!!

Thanks for reading!

How Many More Days Until School Starts?

Just kidding...not really. Summer can get boring, especially for foster kids who have to be supervised almost constantly. We try to come up with stuff for them to do, but it gets pretty exhausting. Last weekend we had three extra kids ages 7, 1 1/2, and 9 months. That pretty much cemented my desire to take down the crib and say no to anymore babies! :-)

Anyway, what do you do with 9 kids? You take them to the local street fair for breakfast, duh! We were quite a sight!! We had free tickets for the kids to eat, so we loaded up three strollers (I asked my mom if she wanted the wheel chair, but she refused) and took off in two vans. On our way to the line to buy food tickets for Granny and myself, a very nice lady stopped us and handed us free tickets. So we didn't even have to pay for this day in the heat! (It was in the hundreds again.) The food line was fun. "OK everyone, hold your plate with BOTH hands, no don't let it tip, it will spill...ANNIE HOLD YOUR PLATE UP! Milk or juice? How do we carry that?" Another nice lady carried plates for us to a table on the other side of the parking lot. Breakfast was good. Then we toured all the booths. There were jumpy things for the kids to play in. Then there was an old school bus called the Magic Tumble Bus which was filled with gymnastics apparatus for the kids to play on. Then, of course, clowns twisting balloons (if they could keep them from popping long enough to make them look like something.) The poor clowns, As I watched them make 9 different balloon animals for my demanding children, about 20 of the balloons popped in their hands because of the heat before we were able to walk away with happy kiddos. They made picture frames, masks, got their faces painted...all for FREE!! How could we beat it?

When we got home exhausted, our foster parent friends showed up early to pick up their three children and lessen our load a bit. That night we had family movie night...ever seen "The Horse in the Gray Flannel Suit"? They loved it, then went to bed.

Sunday morning we decided to skip church even though no child in the house allowed us to sleep in AT ALL! I went out to mow the lawn and we made the girls clean out all stuffable spots in their bedroom. Every shelf, nook, and cranny was seeping onto the floor with old school papers and other junk they've picked up along the way. The boys were in their room putting all the toys away. And for probably the first time ever, both bedrooms were clean when we left the house. We went to the YMCA to swim. Our Y has the best pool area ever!! It's great for kids of all ages including a kiddy play area like I've never seen before, a moving river, two huge slides, and diving area, lap pools. The kids absolutely love it. Granny brought a bag full of snacks to keep their energy up (like they have a problem doing that anyway with their self-recharging batteries), and I played in the kiddy area with the boys. We stayed there for several hours, then had everyone shower (aren't we smart instead of having them go home and use our water!) When we got home they were so tired, we popped in Wallace and Grommet, and made dinner, and let them eat in the living room (something we very rarely do unless it's football season.) Then everyone went to bed happy. I even got the adoption announcements ready to go. (I'm slow on that kind of stuff.) What didn't get done this weekend? Laundry, regular chores, painting, grocery shopping. But we had fun!!

Thanks for reading!

Can You See it Now?

I worked on the button, and I can see it again, can you?

So I've had some trouble at home. Kristy is no longer allowed to be alone with Annie or Cindy in any room of the house, or outside playing. She says things to them that are horrible, and I don't know what exactly, just that I have to deal with the fall-out. Annie was talking about killing herself after one particularly bad morning of it.

It's hard. Kristy is hurting so much, and the only way she knows how to deal with her feelings is how she was taught by her family, she hurts others. She's doing a great job with Annie and Cindy, and they are hurting now too. We are working on getting her a more involved counselor, one who will return our calls and communicate with us so they know what's going on in her life and what she needs help with. I've never been a real religious person, but I pray for her. There's something about her that snagged my heart from the first day, and even with all the trouble she gives us, I want to see her get better. I don't want to see my other girls spiral because of her, but I can't give up on her, that's all anyone else has done in her life, and I see potential in her. If you're the praying type, send one up for her, it couldn't hurt. If you're not, just think happy thoughts for her, that couldn't hurt either.

Thanks for reading!

I Got An Award!!

Look at this, I got an award. This is so cool, I'm very flattered. I think I am supposed to pick 5 others to give this to now. Sue at Life In the Urban Zoo nominated me!!

Christine at Mommy Matters,

Emily at Peanut Tales,

Laura at The Kidlet Chronicles,

Sarah at Sarah and the Goon Squad,

Stacie at Mom's Busy, Take a Number

Enjoy them!!

So Much for that Idea!!

Respite kind of got cut short....

It started out nice. I got all the kids off to their respective respite homes, and spent some quality time with my good friends who were taking my two year old. Will and Annie got to play and eat dinner with their kids, and I got to have adult conversation with someone I don't live with. It was nice. That was Friday night.

Saturday was great! We got up in the morning and went to breakfast. Annie, Will and I went to the church to meet with our pastor. He walked the kids through the ceremony that will be happening in a few weeks to baptize both of them. Then he had same great kids books about it for them, and we all read one together. Will wanted him to play his keyboard and sing a song, so he did. Then Will wanted him to play his guitar and sing a song, so he did. (There is something about my son that makes anyone do just about anything he asks them to do. It's kind of scary some times.) Then we went home. On the way we stopped and they got hot dogs for lunch. At home we waited for grandpa to get there and eat his lunch, then we left. I had the whole day planned. I took them to the YMCA to swim and play, and they were having a great time. Suddenly, Kristy showed up. The family she was in respite with had brought the kids. I was fine with it until Annie came out crying and upset because Kristy was being mean, dunking her under the water and saying mean things. It was time for us to leave anyway, so we did. Next we went to see Shrek the Third. (Will is a Shrek fanatic!) They loved going to the big theatre (we usually go to the dollar theatre or just rent.) They had popcorn and sat next to grandpa and laughed. We had a real good time. Finally I took them to dinner at one of Annie's favorite Mexican restaurants. I got them home and in bed happy as little larks.

On Sunday we slept in a little. Yes, we skipped church. It was nice to sleep, and I discovered that when Kristy isn't there, Annie will actually sleep until about 8:00 or so. Finally, some rest for the weary. Granny was happy because she'd been able to spend all day Saturday doing nothing, getting lots of rest. Will got her up at 7:30 Sunday, but it's better than 6:00!! We went to breakfast again, and planned a nice little BBQ dinner for that evening before we picked up the others. Then we went and all got our hair cut. That was kind of fun too, and spontaneous! Then we got the first call. Kristy had to come home. She'd decided to get up early and try to cook with the family's expensive pans, and burn them and fill their house with smoke. She'd been a lot for them to handle, but this was the last straw. I was quite irritated. I went and got her, and when I got home found out that the 7 year-old had to be picked up too. The minute Kristy got home, all our wonderful calmness and happy-go-lucky fun with Annie ended. She immediately got an attitude and started ignoring Will. I couldn't believe the change in her personality just from having one child come home. Of course, Kristy was mad at the world, and was defiant and insolent the rest of the day. (Who ever thought I'd use a word like insolent?) When the 7 year old (does he have a name on here yet? I'll call him Karl) got home, Will started getting bossy and grouchy. Granny started getting upset with everyone over every little thing. I wanted to go crawl in my bed and hide from them all. After dinner, my 2 year old, Andrew, came home, and then I went to get Cindy.

So our respite was cut short by several hours, and when they all came home, it was like they'd never left. I guess I'd had this pipe dream that they'd all spend some time out of the house, having fun and relaxing, and come home refreshed and happy. Silly me!! I should have known better, I've done this before. But it's like the lottery, you know your chances of winning are always more than slim, but every time you buy a ticket you have great hope and start dreaming of what you'll do with the money.

But never fear, the four oldest are leaving for camp this weekend, so I won't have to listen to them bicker for too long.

Thanks for reading!!

Who Needs Respite?

I DO!!!!!

OK, when I first started foster care, I would say things like, if they were my birth children I wouldn't get respite, so why do I need it? I admit, I was young and dumb!!

The thing is, kids in foster care aren't the same as the kids you give birth to and raise til they're 18. They aren't your kids, and they like to remind you of it. They often want to cause you problems, because many of them think if they are bad enough, everyone will get fed up and send them home. They come from chaos, and are only comfortable in chaos, so they create chaos. They have behaviors that are often unbearable, but were developed as survival skills in the world they were being raised in. Most of them are some kind of alcohol or drug effected in the womb, and a larger and larger number of them every year come into care as users already, at any age.

Not trying to judge, I can say with all honesty, if I had been able to have my own children, and given birth and raised them, they wouldn't have these problems simply because I don't live that life. I don't use drugs, and I don't live a nomadic and largely unemployed life. So my birth children would not have been exposed to anything stronger than caffeine in the womb, or out of the womb. They would have seen from day one that I value a strong work ethic and that I value citizenship and community. And from my example, they would not have had to learn survival behaviors like lying and stealing just to get through the day, or have something to eat.

This is the difference. This is why foster parents need to have respite once in a while. We don't blame the children for their behaviors, and we do love them. But we need short breaks from them once in a while to catch our breath. The stress level in our home gets quite high just from these things I've mentioned. Add to that the acting out that comes from their grief and loss from being ripped away from their families, and if we don't take breaks here and there, we'd only last in this a year or two before we had to be put away.

I have a 10 year old girl who has not been allowed to see or talk to anyone in her family for 6 weeks. As each week passed, her behavior got worse. Can you really blame her? What were you doing and thinking when you were 10? What was your biggest worry?

I have a 7 year old boy who tested positive for methamphetamine when he came into care 2 months ago. He doesn't know why he lives with us, and wasn't allowed to see his mom until 2 weeks ago. He is out of control most of the time.

I have an 11 year old girl who's mother suddenly and without explanation gave up her rights and moved away. Left orphaned and abandoned in my home, she's depressed and confused, scared, angry.

I have an 8 year old who was nearly killed by her birth mom before she was 2 years old, and on top of that was exposed to alcohol in the womb. She sees her birth mom as a black ghost in her nightmares.

I have a three year old who was born addicted to meth. I can't even get the reality of his problems across in words. He's already on anti-psychotic meds.

I have a two year old who has never met his birth mom as she abandoned him at 1 month old. He was almost completely unattached when we got him at 8 months old...nobody had been holding him or nurturing him. What does it feel like to not learn the basic need of love and trust as an infant, and subsequently not know how to attach to people who love you even as a two year old?

I feel for all of them, and love all of them. And because I love them so much, I need a break. I need a little rest so I don't burn out and so I can continue to love them. I get it now! I'm not so naive anymore!! Get me some respite!!!

Thank you for reading, have a wonderful day!!

I'm Honored

I work weird hours, so on Mondays and Tuesdays I don't get home until around 7:30, but I have Fridays off. This should be an advantage for special celebrations and functions which always used to be on Friday or Saturday. But in the last year I've noticed these events being held more on Monday and Tuesday. That doesn't work for me.

So this Tuesday they held the annal Foster Parent Appreciation Picnic at the zoo. It was a huge event with free admission, rides for the kids, and catered dinner. We didn't get to go because of my work schedule.

We had a phone call on Monday asking if we were going to be there because we were getting an award. Granny told them it wasn't going to be possible for us to go. They were disappointed, but understood. I figured they were giving out silly awards to everyone as they often do at these events, so I wasn't real upset about it.

Yesterday one of the social workers brought over the awards we were supposed to receive at the picnic, and they weren't silly certificates. These were very nice, printed awards framed in heavy, expensive frames. Only six awards were given, and we actually received two of them. It made me feel bad that we had not attended. All the social workers in our region voted on who should receive these awards. We were told there was quite a bit of applause when our names were read as the recipients of these awards. I'm quite honored by this. It wasn't something I really expected. I guess I don't really do this for glory, and so I don't consider that I might ever receive something like this. At the same time, I'm excited and grateful at the knowledge of having all the respect and support of our social workers that comes with awards like these.

All I can say is THANK YOUto all who recognized us for this! I'll say it again, I'm honored!

Don't Forget the Older Ones

In all my joy and excitement over these adoptions, I've forgotten to give notice to one of my older girls. Stacee, who turned 20 this year, got married on June 2nd.

I'm so proud of her. I remember the night she came to us, scrawny and scared. She was only 14 and, unfortunately, had lived the life of a much older woman. The four years with us were hard. She resisted learning to love and live in a healthy way. But she survived me, and has gone on to become a beautiful, healthy woman.

She is living on her own, making her own way in the world. She has a good job, and found a man who treats her they way she deserves to be treated. She had a good engagement and is now married. She has a healthy relationship with him, they communicate, and they plan. I'm so proud of her that she hasn't tried to rush in to things since leaving our home. She's really taken to heart the lessons I tried to teach her, and she wants to be a good person. She is happy, and OK with herself.

Stacee calls every once in a while to let us know what's happening in her life. She lives too far away now to be able to see her much. But I always love talking to her. She always sounds so good. Often, when she calls, she lets us know if something we tried to teach her has come in to play in her life. She thanks us often for all we tried to give her. I guess what I need to do now is thank her for letting me important in her life, and for helping me realize who I am and what I can do. I'd also like to thank her for being who she is and sticking to it. We had some difficult times her and I. But in the end, we both gained a whole lot from each other. I miss her so much, but am so happy that she is doing so well and being her own person.

Congratulations, Stacee and Lee, I love you!! Mom :-)

I'm a New Mommy

As of June 7th, Will is mine forever. That's two adoptions in the last two weeks!!

I know they've been living with me all their lives, but I just keep chanting like a giddy new mom..."I'm a new mommy of two." I'm so excited. I just can't explain how this feels to know that nobody can ever take these two babies from me again! (I know, they aren't babies anymore, but they're my babies!) I keep calling them by their full names including their new last names because it feels so good. Will and Annie are mine forever and ever and there will never be the threat that they can be taken from me again!!

What feels different, and good, too is that Will is really being needy of me lately. He's coming to me instead of to Granny a lot more, and he wants to sleep in my bed with me instead of with her. Not that I want him in my bed, it's just knowing that he wants to be there.

I'm sorry, I can't type a lot due to an elbow injury I have right now, but I just want to share with the whole world!!!

I'm a New Mom!!!!!

One Down, Three to Go

Gosh, it's seems like just yesterday I was shamelessly begging for hand-outs to help fund Will's adoption. Guess what! This Thursday, in 3 short days, I will be going to court to finalize it. All the legal paperwork is filled out and sent in. The date has been set. The beginning of a new chapter is only a page away. Only one thing can slow us up now. Even though this is a private adoption, the Department of Health and Welfare has to sign approval, and it's on their desk, it's just a matter of whether they sign it in time for our June 7th court date or not. If not I have to explain to my boss that I need another day off, court had to be canceled, and we'll be having an adoption celebration BBQ before the adoption is done. Not to mention I'll have flown Cami here too early to see it happen!

I'm pretty sure if everyone out there in blogland thinks positive and wishes with all their might, this will happen this week with no problem.

After long years of waiting, wishful thinking, heartbreak when he'd leave, then pure happiness when he returned, and again and again this cycle of let down then ecstaticness...enough to make yo feel bi-polar yourself!! It's happening, and right on the coat tails of Annie's LONG awaited adoption. I'm not sure there's anything else in this world I've ever wanted more, or will ever want again than to have these kids become mine now and forever.

And that's not all!! H&W will begin work on Cindy's adoption as soon as Will's is complete. She will probably be adopted before the end of the year, then the only one left will be Andrew (my 2-year-old.) And with that, I have my family. I have my kids. And together we can try to do our part for our community by being a strong and loving foster family!! (I think I'm loopy with joy.)

Wish us well, I'll write more soon. Thanks for reading!!

I Had to Share

I just received an email from my social worker at the Youth Ranch. She met with Will's dad, and I've been a little freaked out by what he might say or do. Here's what happened:

Hi PandasJr: I met with Will's birth dad today. He asked me to
pass on to the family caring for Will (I didn’t state your name, although it’s
in the Petition he received) that he appreciates you caring for him and thanks
you for all that you are doing for him. He expressed that he is not going
to contest the petition to terminate his parental rights as he wants what is
best for Will and he cannot provide a stable environment for him at this time or
in the next couple of years (all of this will be detailed in the report).
He said that if Will's mom is okay with the adoption and Will is in a stable
home, then he is not going to contest. He really would like to have some sort of
contact with Will, such as pictures, letters on how he is doing, etc. He
said that he would like to have some form of contact with the adoptive family
regarding updates on Will and he would like to write you a thank you
letter.

I guess I was even more worried about this than I thought I was, because this made me cry. I've never met Will's dad, and don't really know a whole lot about him. I didn't know what to expect. I had to share this, it's very special!

Where Does the Time Go?

Gosh, I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted anything. I've gotten real busy at work, and I don't have a computer at home anymore, so it's been tough getting here. I decided today I needed to show some attention before I lose what few readers I have!!

Well, tomorrow is the day. We are finally going to finalize Annie's adoption tomorrow. It's like a dream, still very unreal. This has been a long time coming - about6 years now. I honestly began to think we'd never see the day. She and I are both very excited. We will be wearing a pretty bright blue color. (It has become a tradition in my family to have color themes for my adoptions.)

I have stackable mother's rings for all my adopted kids. They have the birthstone, the child's name, and the date of adoption on them. A few years ago the jewelry store was having a fantastic sale, and I knew I'd be adopting Cami and Annie in the future, so I asked if we bought the rings then, would we be able to bring them back later to have the date engraved on them. The said of course. Well, I went last week to have Annie's date engraved and was very rudely told that they won't do it, and reminded a number of times how long it's been since I bought the ring, as if I committed some sort of jewelry fashion crime. I've been to engravers and other jewelry stores trying to get someone to engrave the date for me, and nobody will. I'm so irritated by this. The other problem I'm having is that I was told they would always have this ring style, and now they don't have it anymore, so I have to find a different, yet similar style, to get rings for Will, Cindy, and Andrew (my 2-year-old). Why can't things ever just simply work out smoothly for me?

Speaking of...Will's adoption has also been scheduled. Yup, my attorney scheduled court for June 7th...WOO HOO! However, I just learned that a lengthy court report has to be written up by the Idaho Youth Ranch indicating a recommendation for termination of parental rights for two reasons. (This is reasonable, just that it came up late in the game and may push our court date back.) The first reason is that his birth mom has never made it over to our county courthouse with her lawyer to sign consent for termination in front of a judge. The second is that they are going to terminate the dad's rights based on abandonment because he's never had contact, and right now he's incarcerated in another county and can't go before our judge. This is going to take time, but I don't know how much. I'm a little bummed, because I already planned a celebration BBQ for the weekend after Will's adoption to celebrate both adoptions with friends and family. But no worries, I'll just have to change that. I'm also bummed because I already bought a plane ticket for Cami to be here for his adoption, and now it may not happen while she's here. See, not smooth and simple. OH well, I guess as long as it works out in the end!

Thanks for reading, I'll try to get back again soon!

Worst Day Yet!

I've now had my worst day as a parent. The day started out OK, normal, like all other Saturdays. Cindy's soccer game was at 9:20, so I took her and left her with her coach while I went back for the rest of the angels. Will's game was at 9:50 (have you ever watched 3-year-olds play soccer? It's hilarious!)

Anyway, I was carrying 2-year-old (he needs a name on here...Drew) I was carrying Drew to the van, and my foot slipped off the side of the sidewalk. I fell, and as I was going down so many things went through my mind! I had flashes of granny almost ten years before slipping while carrying my 2-year-old cousin, and twisting her leg, shattering everything from the mid shin down. I could see Drew falling head-first and was trying to catch him. I felt my foot and ankle twist horribly. I tried to reach my hand under Drew's head so he'd have a softer fall and only managed to twist myself worse. His head hit and I grabbed him up at almost the same time. He was crying and scared, I was in shock and scared. Granny came and got him, and I just sat there.

I finally got up and tested my foot and ankle. It seemed sore, but not horribly bad. Obviously, nothing was broken. I went to the van where Granny had put Drew, and he was still sniffling, but generally OK. I couldn't believe he wasn't hurt worse. (I've kept my eye on him ever since for signs of trauma, but he's still just fine.) So we went to the park for a day of soccer.

After Will's and Cindy's games, we all had lunch, then went back for Annie's game. She played well, the other kids played in the volleyball sand, and on the playground where I could see them. Granny sat in the van in the shade with Drew so he could snooze. When the game was over, I was able to get all the kids' attention and tell them let's go. We were gathering up chairs and sweatshirts. Will came running over from the sand with his shoes in hand, and as I was telling him to sit down so we could put them on, he dropped them at my feet and headed for the van. The others came along and ran past, and I picked up the shoes and started moving to the van. I noticed my foot becoming much more sore and harder to walk on. It took me a while to get there, so I assumed all the kids would be in and ready to go when I arrived. But they weren't. Kevin and Will had never made it to the van. Great. We thought they couldn't be far, so the girls started running through the park and I started limping, yelling their names and looking for them.

Kevin was found very quickly and I saw Kristy dragging him towards the van. So I concentrated on looking for Will. I could hear the girls at different locations yelling his name, I was doing the same. It's a fair sized park with 15 different soccer fields marked off and approximately 1500 kids with their parents and families running around and playing soccer. In the whole time I was looking and yelling, becoming more frantic with each step, and not one person looked at me or asked if there was a problem. After all four of us had walked the entire park each, I was almost hysterical. I couldn't believe this was happening.

Then Granny called my cell phone, "Cindy found him over here in a tree." I went towards the van and saw, in the corner of the park, a giant evergreen with shadows moving around inside it. I looked in and found Will playing with a rather large boy and thanked God we found him. I don't know who the boy was or if he was just innocently playing with a child about 10 times smaller than himself, or if he had other intentions. Right now I'm happy we found him unharmed. He, of course, is oblivious...they were just playing with sticks, and he told us all about their game.

On Sunday I came down with a stomach virus...penance for dropping one child on his head and losing the other. It's days like these that make you appreciate what you have!

Talk About Normal!!

These are the days that make me remember that I mom first and foster second!! Friday night we loaded everyone up in the new van...gotta say, it's the most wonderful thing, I never knew these kids could be so quiet in the car!! (It has a DVD player.) Anyway, I digress...we loaded up and headed to Boise to a support group meeting and things were just fine. About 3/4 into it, Kevin came running in to say his tummy hurt. I rubbed his back for a few minutes, then he went running out again, so I assumed he was fine. Well, we all know what happens when we assume!!

He threw up twice at Health and Welfare, twice on the way home (in the new van!!), and all night long. When he woke up Saturday he was just fine. We chalked it up to him eating too much pizza. Until granny ended up being up all night Saturday vomiting, and I spent Sunday trying to get the kids to maintain an even keel so granny wouldn't bite their heads off. (Cindy asked what was wrong with granny, and I told her the same thing Kevin had, and Cindy said, "Granny ate too much?" I wish!! When does granny ever eat enough let alone too much!?) So we got through the weekend.

At about 11:30 Sunday night I heard a horrible sound coming from the boys' room. 2-year-old was retching, dry heaving, and all together miserable. I was up taking care of him when I heard a noise in the bathroom, and look in to find Kristy camped out by the toilet also retching. Good grief! It's not flu season!! Both kids finally settled down and went to sleep about 2:30 am. Somewhere around 1:00 am I remembered I was supposed to go to our Boise office by 8:00 am on Monday...trying to get from our town to Boise in the morning is a little like...trying to get across the Big Eye in Albuquerque on a Friday evening at 5:00 in the rain. If you've been there, you'll know. If you haven't, imagine LA rush hour times whatever.

I did get up after my measly 3 1/2 hours of sleep, got the boys to daycare and made it to Boise only 15 minutes late. Then I spent the rest of the day in a fog. Everyone at home was feeling fine and dandy like nothing ever happened. Is that enough normal for the week?

I Feel Myself Coming Back

You know, for a long time, I was starting to worry that I was losing the ability myself to attach to new people. I wasn't getting as close to the new kids in the house as I used to, and I wasn't getting horribly upset when they left. I really was worried that I wasn't feeling anymore. But I think I'm back!!

We have two new angels, one I've told you a little about, she's been with us over a month now, Kristy. The other came to us last week, Kevin. He's 6, and has no sense of boundaries or rules. When you go anywhere with him you literally have to hold on to him, and pin his arms to his sides to keep his hands off things. He hears adult voices, and he immediately starts talking and whining to drown out their noise. He doesn't hear anything you say. He's a CHALLENGE!!!! And that's putting it mildly.

So both of these new angels are a lot of work. Both have already wreaked havoc and tried my last patience. And here I am falling in love with both. I have to say, Kristy looks so much like a very good friend of mine did when she was young, it's hard not to think of her as one in the same. My friend came from a difficult situation as well, went through so much of the same things, and was probably also considered a challenge to the adults in her life. She and I are, I believe, soul mates, as far as friends go, even though we had no contact from age 13 to 31. Her mom had taken her away, and we lost touch. I found her 5 years ago on Classmates.com, and we've renewed our friendship as if we were never apart. I understand that this is probably what made begin to feel a connection with Kristy, she looks so much like my friend. But in the last few weeks, I've begun to really enjoy her for who she is, challenges and all!

Kevin also reminds me of someone. A few years ago I had two brothers in my home for a few months. The younger one was so hard to handle, he was into everything and always up to something. He made me want to tear my hair out. But at the same time, he'd look at me with those big 6-year-old eyes and make me want to cry. He'd say, "I don't want to be bad." And he meant it. It's so hard for kids afflicted with FAE because they know they are different in that they can't control their impulses and before they know what they are doing, they are getting themselves in trouble. He was so adorable, and demonic at the same time! When they moved him to a relative I hoped he would do well. I found out later that the placement failed. He's now in a residential treatment home and not with a family at all. There are times when I feel like I failed him. Kevin is a lot like him, and I don't want to fail this one. He, in only a weeks time, has wormed himself into my heart. I don't think I'll let this one go so easily.

This feels good. I'm attaching again, not afraid of being burned again. It's good to love even if they leave. I was a lonely person before I started taking in kids, and I think I was starting to get lonely again while trying to keep myself from getting hurt. But in protecting myself, I was starting to not feel at all. Now it's like I'm coming out of a coma, I'm alive!!! And I love!!!

CARS!

This is what I did in the boy's room when the teenager moved out...

Lightning McQueen looks a little demonic in this picture.





They love their room. It's nice to feel like I can do something like this and don't have to worry about having to change it any time soon. I'm finally just weeks away from finalizing my 3-year-old's adoption!!

Training the Trained

This weekend I did something I haven't done before. I co-trained a group of foster parents who have been fostering for a while already. Most of the were kinship providers, meaning that the foster children in their homes are related to them in some fashion. This is much different than the usually training I do because of the experience these people already had when they walked through the door. It's also different, because the people who foster their own relatives view their role in foster care much different than those of us who foster children who have no relatives to go to.

Before it started, I wasn't sure I'd be up to the challenge. I remember when I took this training. It's a shortened version of what we usually train. People just getting in to foster care now have to take this 27 hour course called Pride before they can be licensed. But Pride wasn't always required, so after I'd had my license for about 2 years, it came along, and I had to take a 10 version of it. Basically, Pride is part of the movement to make foster care a team effort, get the foster parents working with birth parents, and making all of it a lot more open in the best interest of the children. This isn't the way it always was, and to be honest, when Pride came along, I wasn't real open to working with birth parents. I was afraid of them, afraid they'd find out where I live and harass or harm me. I still thought most of them were monsters and didn't always deserve a second or third chance to get their kids back. So Pride scared me. The Pride curriculum also bothered me because it includes videos with actors and scripts that did NOT give an accurate picture of what situations with foster children and social workers looked like. I scoffed at it.

Knowing how I felt when I took the class, I knew how these people would feel when they came into it and how they would feel when they left. But I also know, even though I was laughing at it when I left, it had planted seeds in my mind, and it wasn't long before I was blossoming as a Pride Foster Parent. I found that it wasn't scary to work with birth families and it was good to be part of a team rather than an island on my own. This is why I jumped on it when they approached me about becoming a trainer. I still laugh at the videos, but feel as though I have a voice in the class to be able to bring some reality to it when they watch the videos. So when I was training experienced foster parents last weekend, I hope I was able to break the ice by relating my own feelings about the videos, especially how I felt the first time I watched them. And in doing this, I saw these foster parents start to open up and warm to the ideals of Pride.

Now, the other challenge, that they were kinship providers, was a whole different thing. People who foster relatives tend to feel like they don't have to follow all the rules and policies of foster care because, hey, this is my niece or grandson. But the truth to that is, they are in the state's custody whether they live with grandma or me, and the state is liable either way, therefore, their rules abound. I didn't know how to poke through this wall at first. But finally, about 3 hours into it, I was trying to get a certain point across, and these words came out of my mouth, "I realize you are kinship, but these are the same kids I foster because if they don't go to you, they go to me. You have to see them the same way I do, they have the same issues and struggles my kids have." And people nodded, and their faces relaxed. I may have audibly sighed. Sometimes these types of epiphany statements come forth from my mouth when I least expect them, and always welcome them most!

In the end, it all turned out well. I made some new connections, and I may have even talked a few kinship providers in to changing their license to do general foster care as well. I hope so!

When Does Normal Interfere?

OK, so I've talked about trying to makes the kids lives as normal as possible. Yesterday a new problem occurred with that. Is normal starting to interfere? Listen to this and tell me what you think:

Both 10 year olds have visits today, Cindy from 1-5, and Kristy from 3-5. In order to go to her visit, Cindy will have to miss both the cheer camp I have her in for Spring Break, and the water safety class. If Kristy goes to her visit, she'll miss water safety. Neither girl wants to miss either class. Cindy's mom doesn't even live here anymore, she moved about 6 hours north, and this will be their last visit for a while, but Cindy wants to give it up so she can go to the classes. Kristy begged her dad to let her miss their visit so she could go to her class. These classes, though only a week long, are interfering with the kids' time with their bio-families, and they don't care. The parents care...they don't like it. I probably wouldn't either. Their kids are choosing fun activities over seeing them. I can understand Kristy a little more because she will still see them next week, and she sees them 2 times per week plus two phone calls per week. But Cindy won't be seeing her mom again for a while, and she's losing her mom because of the termination.

Is giving them normal kid activities hindering progress with their families? What's the fair thing to do here? What's best?

Chlonodine

Yesterday Annie got mad at Cindy, and jetted up the ladder to the top bunk where Cindy was making her bed, intending to physically beat her up. A few days ago, Annie was mad at Cindy before school, and waited until they got outside to head to school, and ran up and shoved her as hard as she could.

There have been a few times when Annie has gotten physically aggressive: she slammed a classmate's head in the door of the cafeteria because she wanted to be first in line and he already was. When she was younger she was real bad about biting and pulling hair (younger as in 3.) But that's about it. Mostly she's had her rages and I've been more worried about her inflicting harm to herself rather than to others.

Yesterday my mom was able to get things under control and bring Annie out of her rage by talking quietly and asking Annie questions so she had to talk too. (This is a new thing we've discovered that seems to be working "knock on wood".) But I don't know why all of a sudden Annie seems more physically aggressive. She is showing her anger towards others more rather than just having a rage while we sit and wonder why. I've really been trying to get her to understand that if she flies into a rage and doesn't talk about what's going on, we can't help her because we can't read her mind, and she is trying to be better about it. But this physical thing has got me more worried now.

About two months ago, we changed her medicine from Risperdal to Chlonodine. She was developing a facial tick, which can happen with these meds, and had to be switched. But now I'm wondering if this aggression is a side effect of the new med. It's kind of scary to see this sweet, tiny girl with so much potential turn into a bully. I don't want this to happen. I'm taking her back to the doctor to see if it could possibly be the chlonodine, and if so, what we can do to fix the problem. Have you ever dealt with this drug? If so, was this a side effect?

Something Normal?

Part of my job as a foster parent is to try to give the kids as normal a life as possible within the restraints of department policy. One of the ways I do that by making sure the kids are involved in community activities. In our city we have a great soccer club that focuses on teaching the kids skills, and how to have fun with the game. It's a non-competitive club, so at the end of the year, they all participate in the tournament. They love it! And for kids like mine, it gives them a place where it's OK and appropriate for them to be aggressive!

Now tell me, do all soccer moms have this problem (and I use the term soccer mom loosely, it's not something I really ever aspired to be. My older daughters make fun of me for it!) I now have three kids in soccer. They are at different levels based on age, so they are on separate teams. Cindy has practice 2 times per week from 7-8 across town. Annie has practice those same two days per week from 5:30-6:30 here in our subdivision's park. My three year old, (this is his first season, and he's SO excited!) has practice on one of those two days at a park about a mile away from 6:00 to 6:30. Add to this feeding all of them dinner, picking them up from counseling on one of those days at 5:00 and from visitation on the other day at 5:00, and picking 2-year-old up from daycare before 5:30. On top of that, I work until 7:30 on one of those days and can only really offer my services to the chauffeuring on the other day. (I will pick Cindy up at 8:00 on both days.) My mom about lost her sanity yesterday. She couldn't work it out.

This is all doable. I had to sell my mom on the idea that the kids would have to be eating at different times on those two days, and that their dinners would have to be things like sandwiches and fruit and such easy, van friendly stuff. On the second of the two days per week, I can do most of the transport as I get off work between 5:00 and 5:15. My mom is still in a near panic. It gets harder and harder for her to deal with this kind of stuff as she gets older, and in a lot of ways sicker. The meds are taking a toll on her mind and body. Everything turns into a stress for her, and she was very grumpy this morning about the whole dinner thing.

The summer is kind of the same. We enroll the kids in day camp at a local facility, but also in swim lessons. The swim lessons are for 2 weeks, and usually in the morning, so they go there before going to the camp. This one deviation throws her. The kids love it, and they are becoming strong swimmers! I think it's important for them to have this because it is a normal activity in the lives of children, and it allows them to be children. I wish I could make it easier on my mom somehow. But I don't know how, because it isn't a difficult thing, it's just that she is so easily stressed.

My kids have a lot of other stuff going on in their lives. They have PSR workers, counselors, visitations, often more doctors appointments than most kids. Those things make them different, and make them be less like kids and more like little adults. I really feel things like day camp, soccer, swim lessons, church camp, cheer camp, etc. make them feel more like the kids they go to school with. They can share stories about their kid activities with their friends instead of explaining what a PSR worker is. They can talk about their pretty new pink and purple soccer balls instead of their visit with their case worker.

So the main question here is this: while I'm trying to make their lives more normalized am I making mine less normal than the average mom? And is getting them involved with "normal" activities really normalizing their lives or just making them overwhelmed with busy schedules? Do I draw a line? And if so, where?

I Have a Beautiful Family

My brother was here last night. He'd flown in on business and had time to spend with my family for dinner and a movie. I got home from work to find my lovely children playing in the backyard, my mom cooking dinner, and my brother doing little handy-man odd jobs for her. The air was warm and Spring-like, and everything felt fresh and happy. When we sat down for dinner, the kids were happy and chatty, and enjoying the interaction with Uncle Shawn. And I have to say, he was enjoying it as well. The boys were both on good behavior, not out of control. Annie didn't have any fits. It was so nice. I looked around the table and saw a beautiful family, eating together and loving each other.

Last night made all the challenging moments in our lives worth it. I couldn't ask for a better family than the one I have and wouldn't change it for anything. I hope you have moments like this too, moments that remind you what you have in life! Have a great day!!

Kids Making Adult Decisions

Imagine what it must be like to have to make adult decisions at the age of 10. Cindy is sort of going through that right now. The department is beginning the process to terminate her parents' rights, and she has to decide what she wants for her future. Gosh, when I was 10 I think my toughest decision was picking a new for my new guinea pig.

This is the way it will go...if her mom fights the termination, which there is a question whether she will or not, it could take 2-3 years before Cindy is free for adoption. At that point she will be 13-14 years old, and has a say in whether or not she is adopted. If her mom doesn't fight the termination, she'll be free for adoption in just a few months, and will only be 11 years old. If that happens, she will have no say in whether or not she is adopted, they will be actively looking for a home for her. Then she has to choose whether or not she wants me to adopt her, or if she wants to find another family for adoption. Right now she can't get past the thought that she doesn't want to be adopted at all.

I agree with her, I don't think she should be adopted. She'd be better off staying in foster care long term and getting into Casey Family Programs. Why do I feel this way? Well, she has a strong relationship with her mom, and the reason for her being in care is not one of physical abuse. You'd have to probably know her to understand why I feel like I do, but I think she needs to be allowed to retain her relationship with her mom. Don't get me wrong, I also feel her mom's rights need to be terminated...her mom can't make good and healthy decisions for Cindy. The chances are better that if she gets adopted she won't be allowed to have a relationship with her mom anymore. First, there is no legal open adoption in Idaho, and second, kids in Idaho, for whatever reason, tend to be adopted by families on the East Coast.

If Cindy were to go into Casey, they would provide her with wonderful opportunities for her future as far as schooling and independent living. Also, while in care, she'd have better resources to be able to have a more normalized life than kids in State care with more limited resources. Casey would nurture her relationship with her mom, while providing a shield, so to speak, for us to keep her mom from harassing us with phone calls. And Cindy would be able to stay with us.

I know I said earlier that Cindy will have to decide if she wants me to adopt her or not, but I need to figure that out too. Right now I'm leaning towards no, I don't want to adopt her. This is hard enough for me to deal with. How can we expect a 10 year old girl, who really only has the maturity of 7 or 8 year old girl, to deal with this, and make these decisions. My hope, really, is that her mom fights this so it does drag on, giving Cindy time to mature, and get to a point when she'll be allowed to decide if she even gets adopted. Like I said, right now she can't get past the thought that she doesn't want ANYONE to adopt her. I wish the department would consider that it might be the best decision for her!!

My Urban Zoo

Have you been there?

I'm a guest on My Urban Zoo this week, and I'm so happy to be. It's my first appearance on another blog, and I'm so excited about it, and of course, it's been so busy this week I haven't even been on to post anything since I was accepted. Please visit my host!

We had two new angels come in to the house recently, sisters 10 and 2. They've been quite a handful, and I can't really discuss their circumstances, but I can discuss my experiences with them. They both have some mighty powerful survival skills going, and the chaos in my house has gone up a few notches!! Then, yesterday, the judge sent the 2 year old home and kept the 10 year old in care. I can't really explain why they do stuff like that except that the abuse issues were only with the 10 year old and her older sister (who is in another foster home.)

I'm going to call her Kristy. She is smart, and savvy. She can also lie and manipulate with the best of them. In the short time she's been with us, she's already figured out how to push Annie's buttons just right to get her going into a full-fledged rage. In fact, Annie was late for school yesterday because she was going off and couldn't stop. Kristy managed to get her going before she left for school. This kind of thing is a challenge because she isn't necessarily doing it because she's cruel or hates Annie, but because she is upset with her own situation. But just because it isn't actions to be cruel doesn't mean it doesn't warrant consequences, right? Manipulation is the hardest behavior to discipline because it isn't out there in the open where everyone can see it, and it often comes down to her word against hers. My problem is, I have three little girls sharing a room who are all liars most of the time, and it makes it hard to decide who's telling the truth in certain situations. I need a lie detector machine in my house!!

I had a friend in Albuquerque who had the perfect setup. When she was sure one of her kids was lying, she would say, "Let me smell your hands." She would sniff them, then say, "OK, I know who is lying now, you better fess up if you don't want to get in more trouble." And they would. She told me when they were little, one stole some bubble gum from his cousin, and his hand smelled like the gum, so she knew he'd done it. Her son didn't realize that's how she knew, he just thought she could truly smell it is he was lying. I don't know if that still works for her now that her kids are in high school, but I always thought that was so ingenious. My trouble is that, even when I try something like that, they keep lying.

My kids are different in that they have brain damage. So the thinking synapses have kinks in them and sometimes short out. One time, I watched Annie go into the kitchen, open the pantry door and take some Halloween candy out of the bowl. (We hadn't had a chance to give it away yet.) She turned around and about jumped out of her skin when she saw me standing there. Then she looked at me, rolled her eyes, shrugged her shoulders, and in a high-pitched attitudy voice said "WHAT?!" I looked at her little 7 year old self and said, "You need to put the candy pack and go to your room." Of course, she said, "I didn't take any candy." (It was still in her hand.) I pointed at the candy in her hand. She started stomping and whining, threw the candy down and yelled all the way to her room that she didn't take any candy. So, caught red-handed, the evidence still in her hand, and she couldn't be honest, she kept insisting she never took any candy.

Talk about a zoo!!

Coming Out of the Fog

The last time I posted was on Allee's birthday. It's been 2 1/2 years since she left, and no date in all that time has affected me like her birthday this year did. I can't really tell you why. I don't know if it was because she turned 21, and we'd had plans for what we were going to do together for her 21st birthday. It could just be that something inside my brain finally clicked and realized she's gone and probably never coming back. With all the training I get for being a foster parent, and for all the experiences we go through with our kids, I don't think anything can prepare you for this kind of thing. You can talk about it all you want. And it's no different than if it were to happen to someone with their own biological kid. Allee became a part of me in the short time she lived with me, and I embraced her whole-heartedly. When she left, she left a huge emptiness in me.

Sometimes I joke that I've developed attachment disorder from everything I've been through with the kids. I'm becoming more and more like them. But the reality is, I've learned not to trust, and not to get attached, and these are the very premises of attachment disorder. I had a teenage girl living with me last summer who was sweet and cute and full of energy and love. Her situation wasn't what most of these kids are going through, and she went home to her parents at the end of the summer. She visits often, and is doing well. From the first day she walked through my door she reminded me of Allee and Cami, and I put up a wall. I wasn't cold to her, or stand-offish, but I refused to attach, make a bond. I didn't cry when she went home, I hugged her and wished her luck. I am happy to see her and talk to her now, but I refused to let myself get involved with her like I did the other girls. I didn't want to be hurt again.

I spend so much time learning how to help the kids, and trying to help them, and I'm forgetting to learn how to help me. How do I protect myself but still give the kids everything they need? This may be a new issue to study and find a solution for. As foster parents, we need to find that happy medium where we can still give of ourselves, but still protect ourselves so we don't become cold or burn out. Wish me luck!