OK, so I've talked about trying to makes the kids lives as normal as possible. Yesterday a new problem occurred with that. Is normal starting to interfere? Listen to this and tell me what you think:
Both 10 year olds have visits today, Cindy from 1-5, and Kristy from 3-5. In order to go to her visit, Cindy will have to miss both the cheer camp I have her in for Spring Break, and the water safety class. If Kristy goes to her visit, she'll miss water safety. Neither girl wants to miss either class. Cindy's mom doesn't even live here anymore, she moved about 6 hours north, and this will be their last visit for a while, but Cindy wants to give it up so she can go to the classes. Kristy begged her dad to let her miss their visit so she could go to her class. These classes, though only a week long, are interfering with the kids' time with their bio-families, and they don't care. The parents care...they don't like it. I probably wouldn't either. Their kids are choosing fun activities over seeing them. I can understand Kristy a little more because she will still see them next week, and she sees them 2 times per week plus two phone calls per week. But Cindy won't be seeing her mom again for a while, and she's losing her mom because of the termination.
Is giving them normal kid activities hindering progress with their families? What's the fair thing to do here? What's best?
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Chlonodine
Yesterday Annie got mad at Cindy, and jetted up the ladder to the top bunk where Cindy was making her bed, intending to physically beat her up. A few days ago, Annie was mad at Cindy before school, and waited until they got outside to head to school, and ran up and shoved her as hard as she could.
There have been a few times when Annie has gotten physically aggressive: she slammed a classmate's head in the door of the cafeteria because she wanted to be first in line and he already was. When she was younger she was real bad about biting and pulling hair (younger as in 3.) But that's about it. Mostly she's had her rages and I've been more worried about her inflicting harm to herself rather than to others.
Yesterday my mom was able to get things under control and bring Annie out of her rage by talking quietly and asking Annie questions so she had to talk too. (This is a new thing we've discovered that seems to be working "knock on wood".) But I don't know why all of a sudden Annie seems more physically aggressive. She is showing her anger towards others more rather than just having a rage while we sit and wonder why. I've really been trying to get her to understand that if she flies into a rage and doesn't talk about what's going on, we can't help her because we can't read her mind, and she is trying to be better about it. But this physical thing has got me more worried now.
About two months ago, we changed her medicine from Risperdal to Chlonodine. She was developing a facial tick, which can happen with these meds, and had to be switched. But now I'm wondering if this aggression is a side effect of the new med. It's kind of scary to see this sweet, tiny girl with so much potential turn into a bully. I don't want this to happen. I'm taking her back to the doctor to see if it could possibly be the chlonodine, and if so, what we can do to fix the problem. Have you ever dealt with this drug? If so, was this a side effect?
There have been a few times when Annie has gotten physically aggressive: she slammed a classmate's head in the door of the cafeteria because she wanted to be first in line and he already was. When she was younger she was real bad about biting and pulling hair (younger as in 3.) But that's about it. Mostly she's had her rages and I've been more worried about her inflicting harm to herself rather than to others.
Yesterday my mom was able to get things under control and bring Annie out of her rage by talking quietly and asking Annie questions so she had to talk too. (This is a new thing we've discovered that seems to be working "knock on wood".) But I don't know why all of a sudden Annie seems more physically aggressive. She is showing her anger towards others more rather than just having a rage while we sit and wonder why. I've really been trying to get her to understand that if she flies into a rage and doesn't talk about what's going on, we can't help her because we can't read her mind, and she is trying to be better about it. But this physical thing has got me more worried now.
About two months ago, we changed her medicine from Risperdal to Chlonodine. She was developing a facial tick, which can happen with these meds, and had to be switched. But now I'm wondering if this aggression is a side effect of the new med. It's kind of scary to see this sweet, tiny girl with so much potential turn into a bully. I don't want this to happen. I'm taking her back to the doctor to see if it could possibly be the chlonodine, and if so, what we can do to fix the problem. Have you ever dealt with this drug? If so, was this a side effect?
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Something Normal?
Part of my job as a foster parent is to try to give the kids as normal a life as possible within the restraints of department policy. One of the ways I do that by making sure the kids are involved in community activities. In our city we have a great soccer club that focuses on teaching the kids skills, and how to have fun with the game. It's a non-competitive club, so at the end of the year, they all participate in the tournament. They love it! And for kids like mine, it gives them a place where it's OK and appropriate for them to be aggressive!
Now tell me, do all soccer moms have this problem (and I use the term soccer mom loosely, it's not something I really ever aspired to be. My older daughters make fun of me for it!) I now have three kids in soccer. They are at different levels based on age, so they are on separate teams. Cindy has practice 2 times per week from 7-8 across town. Annie has practice those same two days per week from 5:30-6:30 here in our subdivision's park. My three year old, (this is his first season, and he's SO excited!) has practice on one of those two days at a park about a mile away from 6:00 to 6:30. Add to this feeding all of them dinner, picking them up from counseling on one of those days at 5:00 and from visitation on the other day at 5:00, and picking 2-year-old up from daycare before 5:30. On top of that, I work until 7:30 on one of those days and can only really offer my services to the chauffeuring on the other day. (I will pick Cindy up at 8:00 on both days.) My mom about lost her sanity yesterday. She couldn't work it out.
This is all doable. I had to sell my mom on the idea that the kids would have to be eating at different times on those two days, and that their dinners would have to be things like sandwiches and fruit and such easy, van friendly stuff. On the second of the two days per week, I can do most of the transport as I get off work between 5:00 and 5:15. My mom is still in a near panic. It gets harder and harder for her to deal with this kind of stuff as she gets older, and in a lot of ways sicker. The meds are taking a toll on her mind and body. Everything turns into a stress for her, and she was very grumpy this morning about the whole dinner thing.
The summer is kind of the same. We enroll the kids in day camp at a local facility, but also in swim lessons. The swim lessons are for 2 weeks, and usually in the morning, so they go there before going to the camp. This one deviation throws her. The kids love it, and they are becoming strong swimmers! I think it's important for them to have this because it is a normal activity in the lives of children, and it allows them to be children. I wish I could make it easier on my mom somehow. But I don't know how, because it isn't a difficult thing, it's just that she is so easily stressed.
My kids have a lot of other stuff going on in their lives. They have PSR workers, counselors, visitations, often more doctors appointments than most kids. Those things make them different, and make them be less like kids and more like little adults. I really feel things like day camp, soccer, swim lessons, church camp, cheer camp, etc. make them feel more like the kids they go to school with. They can share stories about their kid activities with their friends instead of explaining what a PSR worker is. They can talk about their pretty new pink and purple soccer balls instead of their visit with their case worker.
So the main question here is this: while I'm trying to make their lives more normalized am I making mine less normal than the average mom? And is getting them involved with "normal" activities really normalizing their lives or just making them overwhelmed with busy schedules? Do I draw a line? And if so, where?
Now tell me, do all soccer moms have this problem (and I use the term soccer mom loosely, it's not something I really ever aspired to be. My older daughters make fun of me for it!) I now have three kids in soccer. They are at different levels based on age, so they are on separate teams. Cindy has practice 2 times per week from 7-8 across town. Annie has practice those same two days per week from 5:30-6:30 here in our subdivision's park. My three year old, (this is his first season, and he's SO excited!) has practice on one of those two days at a park about a mile away from 6:00 to 6:30. Add to this feeding all of them dinner, picking them up from counseling on one of those days at 5:00 and from visitation on the other day at 5:00, and picking 2-year-old up from daycare before 5:30. On top of that, I work until 7:30 on one of those days and can only really offer my services to the chauffeuring on the other day. (I will pick Cindy up at 8:00 on both days.) My mom about lost her sanity yesterday. She couldn't work it out.
This is all doable. I had to sell my mom on the idea that the kids would have to be eating at different times on those two days, and that their dinners would have to be things like sandwiches and fruit and such easy, van friendly stuff. On the second of the two days per week, I can do most of the transport as I get off work between 5:00 and 5:15. My mom is still in a near panic. It gets harder and harder for her to deal with this kind of stuff as she gets older, and in a lot of ways sicker. The meds are taking a toll on her mind and body. Everything turns into a stress for her, and she was very grumpy this morning about the whole dinner thing.
The summer is kind of the same. We enroll the kids in day camp at a local facility, but also in swim lessons. The swim lessons are for 2 weeks, and usually in the morning, so they go there before going to the camp. This one deviation throws her. The kids love it, and they are becoming strong swimmers! I think it's important for them to have this because it is a normal activity in the lives of children, and it allows them to be children. I wish I could make it easier on my mom somehow. But I don't know how, because it isn't a difficult thing, it's just that she is so easily stressed.
My kids have a lot of other stuff going on in their lives. They have PSR workers, counselors, visitations, often more doctors appointments than most kids. Those things make them different, and make them be less like kids and more like little adults. I really feel things like day camp, soccer, swim lessons, church camp, cheer camp, etc. make them feel more like the kids they go to school with. They can share stories about their kid activities with their friends instead of explaining what a PSR worker is. They can talk about their pretty new pink and purple soccer balls instead of their visit with their case worker.
So the main question here is this: while I'm trying to make their lives more normalized am I making mine less normal than the average mom? And is getting them involved with "normal" activities really normalizing their lives or just making them overwhelmed with busy schedules? Do I draw a line? And if so, where?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I Have a Beautiful Family
My brother was here last night. He'd flown in on business and had time to spend with my family for dinner and a movie. I got home from work to find my lovely children playing in the backyard, my mom cooking dinner, and my brother doing little handy-man odd jobs for her. The air was warm and Spring-like, and everything felt fresh and happy. When we sat down for dinner, the kids were happy and chatty, and enjoying the interaction with Uncle Shawn. And I have to say, he was enjoying it as well. The boys were both on good behavior, not out of control. Annie didn't have any fits. It was so nice. I looked around the table and saw a beautiful family, eating together and loving each other.
Last night made all the challenging moments in our lives worth it. I couldn't ask for a better family than the one I have and wouldn't change it for anything. I hope you have moments like this too, moments that remind you what you have in life! Have a great day!!
Last night made all the challenging moments in our lives worth it. I couldn't ask for a better family than the one I have and wouldn't change it for anything. I hope you have moments like this too, moments that remind you what you have in life! Have a great day!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Kids Making Adult Decisions
Imagine what it must be like to have to make adult decisions at the age of 10. Cindy is sort of going through that right now. The department is beginning the process to terminate her parents' rights, and she has to decide what she wants for her future. Gosh, when I was 10 I think my toughest decision was picking a new for my new guinea pig.
This is the way it will go...if her mom fights the termination, which there is a question whether she will or not, it could take 2-3 years before Cindy is free for adoption. At that point she will be 13-14 years old, and has a say in whether or not she is adopted. If her mom doesn't fight the termination, she'll be free for adoption in just a few months, and will only be 11 years old. If that happens, she will have no say in whether or not she is adopted, they will be actively looking for a home for her. Then she has to choose whether or not she wants me to adopt her, or if she wants to find another family for adoption. Right now she can't get past the thought that she doesn't want to be adopted at all.
I agree with her, I don't think she should be adopted. She'd be better off staying in foster care long term and getting into Casey Family Programs. Why do I feel this way? Well, she has a strong relationship with her mom, and the reason for her being in care is not one of physical abuse. You'd have to probably know her to understand why I feel like I do, but I think she needs to be allowed to retain her relationship with her mom. Don't get me wrong, I also feel her mom's rights need to be terminated...her mom can't make good and healthy decisions for Cindy. The chances are better that if she gets adopted she won't be allowed to have a relationship with her mom anymore. First, there is no legal open adoption in Idaho, and second, kids in Idaho, for whatever reason, tend to be adopted by families on the East Coast.
If Cindy were to go into Casey, they would provide her with wonderful opportunities for her future as far as schooling and independent living. Also, while in care, she'd have better resources to be able to have a more normalized life than kids in State care with more limited resources. Casey would nurture her relationship with her mom, while providing a shield, so to speak, for us to keep her mom from harassing us with phone calls. And Cindy would be able to stay with us.
I know I said earlier that Cindy will have to decide if she wants me to adopt her or not, but I need to figure that out too. Right now I'm leaning towards no, I don't want to adopt her. This is hard enough for me to deal with. How can we expect a 10 year old girl, who really only has the maturity of 7 or 8 year old girl, to deal with this, and make these decisions. My hope, really, is that her mom fights this so it does drag on, giving Cindy time to mature, and get to a point when she'll be allowed to decide if she even gets adopted. Like I said, right now she can't get past the thought that she doesn't want ANYONE to adopt her. I wish the department would consider that it might be the best decision for her!!
This is the way it will go...if her mom fights the termination, which there is a question whether she will or not, it could take 2-3 years before Cindy is free for adoption. At that point she will be 13-14 years old, and has a say in whether or not she is adopted. If her mom doesn't fight the termination, she'll be free for adoption in just a few months, and will only be 11 years old. If that happens, she will have no say in whether or not she is adopted, they will be actively looking for a home for her. Then she has to choose whether or not she wants me to adopt her, or if she wants to find another family for adoption. Right now she can't get past the thought that she doesn't want to be adopted at all.
I agree with her, I don't think she should be adopted. She'd be better off staying in foster care long term and getting into Casey Family Programs. Why do I feel this way? Well, she has a strong relationship with her mom, and the reason for her being in care is not one of physical abuse. You'd have to probably know her to understand why I feel like I do, but I think she needs to be allowed to retain her relationship with her mom. Don't get me wrong, I also feel her mom's rights need to be terminated...her mom can't make good and healthy decisions for Cindy. The chances are better that if she gets adopted she won't be allowed to have a relationship with her mom anymore. First, there is no legal open adoption in Idaho, and second, kids in Idaho, for whatever reason, tend to be adopted by families on the East Coast.
If Cindy were to go into Casey, they would provide her with wonderful opportunities for her future as far as schooling and independent living. Also, while in care, she'd have better resources to be able to have a more normalized life than kids in State care with more limited resources. Casey would nurture her relationship with her mom, while providing a shield, so to speak, for us to keep her mom from harassing us with phone calls. And Cindy would be able to stay with us.
I know I said earlier that Cindy will have to decide if she wants me to adopt her or not, but I need to figure that out too. Right now I'm leaning towards no, I don't want to adopt her. This is hard enough for me to deal with. How can we expect a 10 year old girl, who really only has the maturity of 7 or 8 year old girl, to deal with this, and make these decisions. My hope, really, is that her mom fights this so it does drag on, giving Cindy time to mature, and get to a point when she'll be allowed to decide if she even gets adopted. Like I said, right now she can't get past the thought that she doesn't want ANYONE to adopt her. I wish the department would consider that it might be the best decision for her!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
My Urban Zoo
Have you been there?
I'm a guest on My Urban Zoo this week, and I'm so happy to be. It's my first appearance on another blog, and I'm so excited about it, and of course, it's been so busy this week I haven't even been on to post anything since I was accepted. Please visit my host!
We had two new angels come in to the house recently, sisters 10 and 2. They've been quite a handful, and I can't really discuss their circumstances, but I can discuss my experiences with them. They both have some mighty powerful survival skills going, and the chaos in my house has gone up a few notches!! Then, yesterday, the judge sent the 2 year old home and kept the 10 year old in care. I can't really explain why they do stuff like that except that the abuse issues were only with the 10 year old and her older sister (who is in another foster home.)
I'm going to call her Kristy. She is smart, and savvy. She can also lie and manipulate with the best of them. In the short time she's been with us, she's already figured out how to push Annie's buttons just right to get her going into a full-fledged rage. In fact, Annie was late for school yesterday because she was going off and couldn't stop. Kristy managed to get her going before she left for school. This kind of thing is a challenge because she isn't necessarily doing it because she's cruel or hates Annie, but because she is upset with her own situation. But just because it isn't actions to be cruel doesn't mean it doesn't warrant consequences, right? Manipulation is the hardest behavior to discipline because it isn't out there in the open where everyone can see it, and it often comes down to her word against hers. My problem is, I have three little girls sharing a room who are all liars most of the time, and it makes it hard to decide who's telling the truth in certain situations. I need a lie detector machine in my house!!
I had a friend in Albuquerque who had the perfect setup. When she was sure one of her kids was lying, she would say, "Let me smell your hands." She would sniff them, then say, "OK, I know who is lying now, you better fess up if you don't want to get in more trouble." And they would. She told me when they were little, one stole some bubble gum from his cousin, and his hand smelled like the gum, so she knew he'd done it. Her son didn't realize that's how she knew, he just thought she could truly smell it is he was lying. I don't know if that still works for her now that her kids are in high school, but I always thought that was so ingenious. My trouble is that, even when I try something like that, they keep lying.
My kids are different in that they have brain damage. So the thinking synapses have kinks in them and sometimes short out. One time, I watched Annie go into the kitchen, open the pantry door and take some Halloween candy out of the bowl. (We hadn't had a chance to give it away yet.) She turned around and about jumped out of her skin when she saw me standing there. Then she looked at me, rolled her eyes, shrugged her shoulders, and in a high-pitched attitudy voice said "WHAT?!" I looked at her little 7 year old self and said, "You need to put the candy pack and go to your room." Of course, she said, "I didn't take any candy." (It was still in her hand.) I pointed at the candy in her hand. She started stomping and whining, threw the candy down and yelled all the way to her room that she didn't take any candy. So, caught red-handed, the evidence still in her hand, and she couldn't be honest, she kept insisting she never took any candy.
Talk about a zoo!!
I'm a guest on My Urban Zoo this week, and I'm so happy to be. It's my first appearance on another blog, and I'm so excited about it, and of course, it's been so busy this week I haven't even been on to post anything since I was accepted. Please visit my host!
We had two new angels come in to the house recently, sisters 10 and 2. They've been quite a handful, and I can't really discuss their circumstances, but I can discuss my experiences with them. They both have some mighty powerful survival skills going, and the chaos in my house has gone up a few notches!! Then, yesterday, the judge sent the 2 year old home and kept the 10 year old in care. I can't really explain why they do stuff like that except that the abuse issues were only with the 10 year old and her older sister (who is in another foster home.)
I'm going to call her Kristy. She is smart, and savvy. She can also lie and manipulate with the best of them. In the short time she's been with us, she's already figured out how to push Annie's buttons just right to get her going into a full-fledged rage. In fact, Annie was late for school yesterday because she was going off and couldn't stop. Kristy managed to get her going before she left for school. This kind of thing is a challenge because she isn't necessarily doing it because she's cruel or hates Annie, but because she is upset with her own situation. But just because it isn't actions to be cruel doesn't mean it doesn't warrant consequences, right? Manipulation is the hardest behavior to discipline because it isn't out there in the open where everyone can see it, and it often comes down to her word against hers. My problem is, I have three little girls sharing a room who are all liars most of the time, and it makes it hard to decide who's telling the truth in certain situations. I need a lie detector machine in my house!!
I had a friend in Albuquerque who had the perfect setup. When she was sure one of her kids was lying, she would say, "Let me smell your hands." She would sniff them, then say, "OK, I know who is lying now, you better fess up if you don't want to get in more trouble." And they would. She told me when they were little, one stole some bubble gum from his cousin, and his hand smelled like the gum, so she knew he'd done it. Her son didn't realize that's how she knew, he just thought she could truly smell it is he was lying. I don't know if that still works for her now that her kids are in high school, but I always thought that was so ingenious. My trouble is that, even when I try something like that, they keep lying.
My kids are different in that they have brain damage. So the thinking synapses have kinks in them and sometimes short out. One time, I watched Annie go into the kitchen, open the pantry door and take some Halloween candy out of the bowl. (We hadn't had a chance to give it away yet.) She turned around and about jumped out of her skin when she saw me standing there. Then she looked at me, rolled her eyes, shrugged her shoulders, and in a high-pitched attitudy voice said "WHAT?!" I looked at her little 7 year old self and said, "You need to put the candy pack and go to your room." Of course, she said, "I didn't take any candy." (It was still in her hand.) I pointed at the candy in her hand. She started stomping and whining, threw the candy down and yelled all the way to her room that she didn't take any candy. So, caught red-handed, the evidence still in her hand, and she couldn't be honest, she kept insisting she never took any candy.
Talk about a zoo!!
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Coming Out of the Fog
The last time I posted was on Allee's birthday. It's been 2 1/2 years since she left, and no date in all that time has affected me like her birthday this year did. I can't really tell you why. I don't know if it was because she turned 21, and we'd had plans for what we were going to do together for her 21st birthday. It could just be that something inside my brain finally clicked and realized she's gone and probably never coming back. With all the training I get for being a foster parent, and for all the experiences we go through with our kids, I don't think anything can prepare you for this kind of thing. You can talk about it all you want. And it's no different than if it were to happen to someone with their own biological kid. Allee became a part of me in the short time she lived with me, and I embraced her whole-heartedly. When she left, she left a huge emptiness in me.
Sometimes I joke that I've developed attachment disorder from everything I've been through with the kids. I'm becoming more and more like them. But the reality is, I've learned not to trust, and not to get attached, and these are the very premises of attachment disorder. I had a teenage girl living with me last summer who was sweet and cute and full of energy and love. Her situation wasn't what most of these kids are going through, and she went home to her parents at the end of the summer. She visits often, and is doing well. From the first day she walked through my door she reminded me of Allee and Cami, and I put up a wall. I wasn't cold to her, or stand-offish, but I refused to attach, make a bond. I didn't cry when she went home, I hugged her and wished her luck. I am happy to see her and talk to her now, but I refused to let myself get involved with her like I did the other girls. I didn't want to be hurt again.
I spend so much time learning how to help the kids, and trying to help them, and I'm forgetting to learn how to help me. How do I protect myself but still give the kids everything they need? This may be a new issue to study and find a solution for. As foster parents, we need to find that happy medium where we can still give of ourselves, but still protect ourselves so we don't become cold or burn out. Wish me luck!
Sometimes I joke that I've developed attachment disorder from everything I've been through with the kids. I'm becoming more and more like them. But the reality is, I've learned not to trust, and not to get attached, and these are the very premises of attachment disorder. I had a teenage girl living with me last summer who was sweet and cute and full of energy and love. Her situation wasn't what most of these kids are going through, and she went home to her parents at the end of the summer. She visits often, and is doing well. From the first day she walked through my door she reminded me of Allee and Cami, and I put up a wall. I wasn't cold to her, or stand-offish, but I refused to attach, make a bond. I didn't cry when she went home, I hugged her and wished her luck. I am happy to see her and talk to her now, but I refused to let myself get involved with her like I did the other girls. I didn't want to be hurt again.
I spend so much time learning how to help the kids, and trying to help them, and I'm forgetting to learn how to help me. How do I protect myself but still give the kids everything they need? This may be a new issue to study and find a solution for. As foster parents, we need to find that happy medium where we can still give of ourselves, but still protect ourselves so we don't become cold or burn out. Wish me luck!
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