I Feel Myself Coming Back

You know, for a long time, I was starting to worry that I was losing the ability myself to attach to new people. I wasn't getting as close to the new kids in the house as I used to, and I wasn't getting horribly upset when they left. I really was worried that I wasn't feeling anymore. But I think I'm back!!

We have two new angels, one I've told you a little about, she's been with us over a month now, Kristy. The other came to us last week, Kevin. He's 6, and has no sense of boundaries or rules. When you go anywhere with him you literally have to hold on to him, and pin his arms to his sides to keep his hands off things. He hears adult voices, and he immediately starts talking and whining to drown out their noise. He doesn't hear anything you say. He's a CHALLENGE!!!! And that's putting it mildly.

So both of these new angels are a lot of work. Both have already wreaked havoc and tried my last patience. And here I am falling in love with both. I have to say, Kristy looks so much like a very good friend of mine did when she was young, it's hard not to think of her as one in the same. My friend came from a difficult situation as well, went through so much of the same things, and was probably also considered a challenge to the adults in her life. She and I are, I believe, soul mates, as far as friends go, even though we had no contact from age 13 to 31. Her mom had taken her away, and we lost touch. I found her 5 years ago on Classmates.com, and we've renewed our friendship as if we were never apart. I understand that this is probably what made begin to feel a connection with Kristy, she looks so much like my friend. But in the last few weeks, I've begun to really enjoy her for who she is, challenges and all!

Kevin also reminds me of someone. A few years ago I had two brothers in my home for a few months. The younger one was so hard to handle, he was into everything and always up to something. He made me want to tear my hair out. But at the same time, he'd look at me with those big 6-year-old eyes and make me want to cry. He'd say, "I don't want to be bad." And he meant it. It's so hard for kids afflicted with FAE because they know they are different in that they can't control their impulses and before they know what they are doing, they are getting themselves in trouble. He was so adorable, and demonic at the same time! When they moved him to a relative I hoped he would do well. I found out later that the placement failed. He's now in a residential treatment home and not with a family at all. There are times when I feel like I failed him. Kevin is a lot like him, and I don't want to fail this one. He, in only a weeks time, has wormed himself into my heart. I don't think I'll let this one go so easily.

This feels good. I'm attaching again, not afraid of being burned again. It's good to love even if they leave. I was a lonely person before I started taking in kids, and I think I was starting to get lonely again while trying to keep myself from getting hurt. But in protecting myself, I was starting to not feel at all. Now it's like I'm coming out of a coma, I'm alive!!! And I love!!!