Remembering What You're Dealing With

Sometimes, knowing what we're dealing with, and remembering what that is in the heat of the moment, are two very different things. Especially when it comes to being scared to death.

The girls' school is doing a fund raiser, and the kids have to sell all this stuff to friends and family. No door to door sales allowed, of course. So when Annie asked if she could take hers to a few friends in the neighborhood, I let her, but said over and over, NO DOOR TO DOOR, stay away from houses we don't know. And she did well. But then she went to the wrong house, next door to her friends' house. "He was a stranger, but he was nice!" And he bought something. This was NOT what I needed to hear! Now I have to be afraid she'll go door to door.

Then Annie realized her new little sister had not made any sales other than what I bought. Now this is where you see she does have a big heart. She wanted to help her sister get some sales. She asked if she could take her to the neighbor, and I said yes. And then she and I were going to go to the store. Well, about 20 minutes later, the girls were not back. I went outside, and looked at the neighbor's house where they were given permission to go, and there were no cars in the drive-way. I asked Cindy where the girls went and she pointed down the road in the opposite direction. I got in my van and started perusing the neighborhood looking for them. I drove around for the next 40 minutes going up and down every street in our subdivision more than once, and could not find them. I was panicking. I was stopping people I saw in their yards and asking if they'd seen two little girls. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and finally said, call the police. I couldn't remember what shirt the younger one had changed into when we got home from church.

Just then, I saw them walking towards home. I went berserk. I had thought the worst and couldn't believe Annie had taken off like this after three star days in a row. I yelled all the way home, fear and relief coming out at the same time. I made them eat dinner and go to bed early. Annie stole gum out of my purse and while she was in bed early, she got the gum in her hair. This escalated into an argument between her and me because she wouldn't tell the truth about the gum. Look how fast stars turn into X's!! (She gets stars for good behavior days and X's for bad behavior days. She gets allowance for star days, and no allowance and no TV for X days.) It snowballs, one bad thing turns into another, and she won't stop, or can't stop, she keeps doing things. It's like star days put her brain in overload until she blows and starts getting X's. (If she gets an X, then continues to have bad behavior, she gets chore sticks.)

What it usually takes me a day to sit back and remember is that she has brain damage. Her birth mom drank during pregnancy. Alcohol puts holes in the child's brain. It takes away their ability for impulse control. It damages or completely exterminates short term memory. She was getting excited about the sales she'd made, and wanted more, even if the sales would go to her sister. The minute the two girls walked out the door, she forgot we were going to the store. The impulse to try to sell more was too great. The fact that she'd successfully sold something to a stranger, and nothing had happened to her was too tempting. Then, once she got in trouble, the ability to deal with her emotions was gone, and she kept doing more things that got her in trouble. Her behavior can't be excused, and it can't be left ignored, but my behavior can be controlled, and I need to take everything into consideration. I did good by not going overboard with discipline. But I let my fear get the best of me, and in my relief that she was OK, not kidnapped or dead, I let it out on her. That may or may not have been the right thing to do. I can't take it back, and it does no good to dwell, I just need to learn from this. My capacity to learn is far greater than hers, and I need to make the changes necessary for both our sakes. With her brain damage, it is my responsibility to try to keep her from being put in such tempting situations, while at the same time allowing her to grow and learn and become independent.

This is my challenge in life. I gladly take it on.
Thanks for reading.