Let's Look a Little Deeper

Explore the Relationships Part 2

Allee

When Allee moved in, as I have said, we all thought she would one day go back to the family who'd committed to adopting her. In the mean time, she'd spent time with us in respite care, and we'd grown to love her in a different way. It was almost like it was safer because nobody had any expectations of it being a long term parent-child relationship. I had fun with Allee, playing games and joking around. I felt an instant bond with her. We talked about anything and everything. She was more like one of my friends than a child I should be raising. I don't know if any of you out there have ever felt this way about a child...teenager...of your own. But as time went on, it became obvious she was never going back to the adoptive family. Their relationship was becoming more volatile, not getting better...and how could it get better? They weren't even in the same state. She and I became closer and closer. She started doing better in school, and we began working on getting her caught up. (She was a year behind.) I felt like this was the relationship I'd always longed for with a daughter. What I began to realize was that I loved her so much it almost hurt. I didn't want her to have another family, I wanted to be her family. But knowing the plan, I never expressed this idea. Until one day, she said it. She asked me to adopt her. She didn't want to leave, she felt at home for the first time in her life. I can't even tell you how excited I was. I called the case manager, and found everyone was on board with this. We'd all seen a change in Allee. She was less deceptive, less manipulative, she was settling in, and doing well in school. She'd been in foster care for 10 years, and nobody had ever seen her doing this well. Just after her 17th birthday, I adopted her. We went through tough times, she resisted me, tested me, tried to get me to give up on her like everyone else had in her past. But I couldn't. I knew I could never let her go. There was something about her that I needed. Don't get me wrong, please. I didn't love her more than the others, I loved them all differently. I had just as strong a feeling of mother-daughter to Kneesaa, who I was also planning to adopt, it was just different. Allee was like an addiction. I needed to be her mother, and I needed her to want me to be her mother. And she was the same way. We needed each other. My relationship with her almost makes me shy off from new relationships with kids. You'll understand that more if you keep reading my story.

Allee is hard for me to talk about, so I'm done today. I'll come back tomorrow to talk about Lainie and Annie. Thanks for reading!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Bringing Up the Past

This is Harder than I Thought it Would Be!

I finished writing my post yesterday thinking I'd be all psyched up to continue the story today about getting Annie back...what a happy memory! But instead, I'm having trouble getting myself to go back to the story just yet. See, right now we are at a good and happy time, but knowing what I know, it's very hard for me, as you will see later down the line. I love my girls, and I miss them, and I love thinking about them, and it puts me in quite a melancholy mood.

When I got home from work last night to house full of chaos: screaming, fighting, tantrums, and outright defiance...well, it was a tough snap back to reality I guess. I'd spent the day rejoicing in thoughts of days gone by, and wasn't ready to leave it all behind. For the first time in my life, the chaos brought me to tears. The memories were too vivid at that moment, and my mind couldn't handle the present.

Please don't get me wrong...I love my kids dearly, I wouldn't be adopting most of them if I didn't. Just, some days, I long for the fun family of teenage girls who lived with me four years ago. I know we will get there again someday with this gang...they have quite a bit of growing to do first, and I cherish all the moments of their babyhood, childhood right now. But there are just days when I wish instead of going to soccer practice to watch Annie act like a monkey down at the goal rather than play the game we were settling down at the kitchen table to play a long drawn-out game of Phase 10, or talking about Homecoming plans.

I guess this is the dangers of parenting in the foster care system...especially when it's the only kind of parenting you've ever done. I did it backwards. First I had the teens and high school drama...now I have potty training, terrible two's, soccer practice, swim lessons, and learning to read.

I don't mean to whine...I always say, don't whine at me, talk to me like I'm just another human being...I just got caught up in the memories. And my mind also knows whats coming in the story, and I may be a little reluctant to get there, to drudge up that pain again.

I did want to say this though, I'm finally there in the story...right after we got Annie back, we decided to name our home. I don't even know why. Granny and I had gone back to NM for a friend's wedding, and we were driving around, visiting old haunts, seeing the sights again, and as we drove down one of my favorite roads, full of huge old haciendas, horse ranches, beautiful scenery, and reading the names of these places, I started thinking about our little home in Idaho. I thought about how my kids were like Angels finding a place to land in our hearts...and I burst out with, "We should call our home the Angel Retreat." And ever since, that's what we are. Oddly enough, we even get junk mail now addressed to the Angel Retreat. (I;m not sure how that happened.) I'll try to get myself prepared to continue with my story when I get back on Monday...see ya then.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.