Let's Look a Little Deeper

Part 3... Lainie and Annie

Lainie

This was a tough one for me. Lainie had a lot going on, her case was complicated, and she was even more complicated. She didn't want to get close to anyone, but wanted everyone to think she was their best friend. I loved her. Not right away. She came in first thing trying to manipulate me and get away with whatever she could. But one thing about foster parents who've taken a lot of teens, they've been through it already. I recognized what she was doing immediately. I dealt with it. I made her help clean the kitchen when it was her night no matter how sick she said she was because not ten minutes earlier she was laughing and conversing and shoveling food in at the table with all the others. I would tell her the kitchen was close to the bathroom so it would be quick to get to if she really had to vomit while she was cleaning. Of course she never did. We all knew she wasn't sick. She also found out right away that we meant it when we said all kids in the house would lose TV privileges if anyone earned grades lower than a "C" because they weren't trying their best. She suddenly became a straight-A student after we'd been told she was barely passing her classes in school before coming to us.

Once we got past some of the initial power plays, we were able to enjoy each other a little more. But the whole time she was with us, I could feel something just wasn't there. I loved her immensely and would have adopted her at the drop of a hat. She always said she wished I could adopt her. Yet I felt something essential from her side was missing. Then when the day came that her mom terminated rights, she was gone. Not physically, but emotionally. She'd already chosen to be adopted elsewhere, and no longer had any interest in our family. The day she left for her new family, I was devastated. My heart hurt so much, and I cried long and hard, even though I knew she wasn't crying for us. She has never made contact with me again. She has contacted Stacie, once. But in her heart, she was never part of us, she was only part of us in our hearts, and that's just not enough. I think about her so much...she's been gone 2 1/2 years. I imagine her growing up, being quite the young woman now, and determined to be successful in every way. I love her, miss her, and hope she's happy.

Annie

Annie is my princess. She was so small when she came to me, only 2 1/2 years old. My relationship with her is no different in most ways than it is between any birth mom and child. She has behaviour problems and difficulties caused from the injuries she sustained as an infant, but emotionally, we are mother and daughter. We do talk about her birth mom whenever she is needing to talk about her. But Annie doesn't remember anyone in her life before me, and I would give my life for her. I don't know her birth mom other than from seeing her at a distance. It was never a safe situation to meet her or work with her. Annie would not be safe with her still, so we will try to find birth mom when Annie is older, an adult, and strong enough emotionally to deal with what she will face. I can't really say much else...all of you who are mothers to daughters, or daughters with mothers should already understand this relationship.

I am getting very excited about finalizing the adoption for Annie. In my heart and should she is mine and always has been, but legally not yet. I keep hoping we can get it done before Christmas. Something happened in church that brought tears to my eyes yesterday. Our pastor always does a "Children's Message" between the gospel and the sermon. For this, he brings all the children to the front of the sanctuary and sits on the floor with them and shares with them. Yesterday he was talking about "All Saints Day" and how we are all saints, our baptism made us so. The look on Annie's face was crushing. She won't be baptized until the adoption is final, and this is something she's looking forward to. It's important to her, and until then, she doesn't feel like a complete part of our family and church community. These are feelings she's expressed to me in the past. So when he said all of us who were baptized were saints, I could tell by looking at her that she was sad and feeling left out by it all. I wanted to hold her tight and make everything OK, which I did when she came back to the pew, but everything is not OK. She needs the permanence of this adoption on so many levels. I just hope she isn't setting herself up for a big fix that won't be realized. I want to cry.

I'm on a tangent, but I have to say that I worry about the same thing with my 3 year old. I'm trying to get money together to get his adoption done, and I'm afraid if I can't get it done soon enough, he'll start to have some of the same issues Annie has. I sometimes wish he'd stayed in foster care so we could get his done quick and easy. But because he isn't in care anymore, I can't get the adoption assistance from the state to help afford the legal fees and homestudy. If you feel even the least bit inclined to help with his adoption fees, the Angel Retreat would be oh so grateful! (Just click the "Make Donation" button on the left and donate away! :-) )

Anyway, I received some nice comments this weekend, and I love reading them. I'll respond, but I am still a bit computer intelligence delayed in all this, and have trouble getting the computer to get responses out. Which is best?: send an email (can't always do this for some reason), go to commenter's blog and respond back (seems a little weird), or respond with a comment below theirs on my blog (seems the easiest, but do they read them?). Let me know what you think/do. Thanks.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.