Sometimes Things Feel Weird

And You Have to Make Tough Decisions...

After Christmas, and as we headed into our third year in foster care, I began to feel less like a newbie, and more like an experienced parent. I was (and still am) in awe of those who'd been doing this for 20 plus years, but at least I didn't feel unsure of what I was doing anymore. Some things were helping me feel more comfortable with my knowledge. One, we'd started a foster parent association, and somehow I found myself as president. Honestly, I went to the meeting to see what it was all about, and one of the social workers there nominated me, and the other foster parents elected me. What it made me realize was how involved I'd become in so many aspects of foster care. I was advocating for teens in care, helping set up new support groups and learning groups for them. I went to a national conference for independent living sponsored by the Daniel Memorial Institute. All of this was making me feel like I'd found my calling, my niche in the world. I was meant to do foster care, help those who had nobody.

But at the same time, I started to feel conflicted. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable having Rita in our home. In most ways she was just like all our other girls, loving and needy. But in some ways she...well...creeped me out. How horrible to feel this way about someone who needed me. She loved living with us, and wanted to stay forever. But there was something about her actions, something physical, that was too sexual for me. I'm not sure I can convey this the way I want so you'll understand. Usually, girls who have been molested will either be completely withdrawn, or they will act out sexually towards men. Rita was sexual towards everyone, male or female. When she hugged me goodnight, it felt like she was making a move on me.

I don't blame her. I don't think anyone ever gave her familial affection, and they only thing she new about love was sex - with either gender. Training does not prepare you for everything. They tell you things that could happen, and most of what they tell you does eventually happen to you, but they can't prepare you for how you'll feel. I was having a real hard time with this, but I was trying to work through it. I knew it wasn't her fault, and I knew she had to be taught more appropriate ways of showing affection with others. But the kicker was when she'd been gone to her aunt's for the weekend, and when she came home, she ran in the house and threw her arms around Lainie and picked her up and hugged her in what looked more like the reunion of lovers than of friends and sisters.

From that point on, I stopped worrying about my reaction to Rita, and started worrying about the other kids in the house. I feared her being alone with Annie, and so never let that happen anymore. I worried that with Stacie's problems, Rita could trigger an emotional breakdown or something worse. I can't tell you how much I worried about Lainie on so many levels. It was breaking my heart. I had to make a tough decision, figure out what was best for everyone.

In the end, after consulting with some of our social workers, we decided it would be best to move her to another home. Hopefully one where there wouldn't be as much potential for trouble in this nature. We decided this move would not just protect the other girls in my home, but also protect Rita from accusations, or even temptation. The hurt on her face when we told her she was moving was almost unbearable. I honestly don't know how we were able to go through with this move, but we had to. Then, to make my guilt worse, since then Rita has not done well. The last I heard of her (just recently) she was running wild and getting in trouble. She's not in foster care anymore, but she's not doing well either. I wish I could do something for her now, but I don't know what, and would it be too little too late? Would she have a better life right now if I'd kept her in my home? I'll never know.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.