Loss and Grief

I'm Scared of Session 4!

I moonlight on some Thursdays. My boss knows about it, so I'm OK there. I spend those Thursdays with people who think they want to be foster parents, teaching them about what their job will entail and what to expect. It's really a good introductory course to foster care. It's very general and covers a lot of ground...well, skims a lot of ground. Of course, you actually learn the most about foster care while doing foster care, as with most anything.

So there's one session in the course during which we talk about loss and grief. We talk about all the different kinds of loss people endure during the course of their lives - expected losses, unexpected losses - that sort of thing. We also discuss grief and reactions to loss. This, of course, leads into the kinds of loss and grief they will be seeing and experiencing as a foster or adoptive parent.

Now, I am not the only foster parent who helps teach this course. There are about 5 of us, and we switch it around each round as to who teaches which session. But I've somehow had the grief and loss session for the last two rounds. (And will have it again in the coming round.) The day after teaching that session the first of those two rounds, I lost my last pair of jeans to an untimely tear in the knee. I shared this loss with my class, it was a nice comic relief.

So two weeks ago I taught that same session. The next day, my family and I were leaving the house, and my dog got out the front door and jetted into the street just as a truck came around the corner. Three of my children, one of their friends, my mom and I watched and screamed as we watched Louie Lobo get hit in front of our house. Luckily, he was relatively unharmed. He scraped his front left wrist but is otherwise OK. But I don't think the rest of us are. My three year old talks about it constantly, and the two older girls are much more careful when they open the front door now. I had a lot of trouble functioning the rest of the day, but am doing better now. I do notice that Louie is much more wary of the front door. But I attribute it to the class.

Now I'm afraid to teach that session again. I have superstitious tendencies (like the 49ers have had nothing but horrible seasons since I lost my lucky Niners t-shirt the day after Steve Young played his last game on that fateful day in Arizona with me sitting in the stands. If only I could find that t-shirt!) If I teach that session again, what will I lose this time?

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

How Does it Look on Me?

I don't usually think pink, but...

I had to change my template. I had never switched over when Blogger went Beta, and since then my blog has been bogged down! Anyway, I hope now that I've switched it won't be so slow. Pink is not my favorite color, but the choices of templates leave a whole lot to be desired, and I don't have money to spend on having some really cool computer person out there design a super cool template for me. So I hope my stories are enough for you to enjoy!!

This is all I'm writing today. Remind me to talk about meds tomorrow!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Not for Your Ears...

Q-TIP

It's all the rage. It's come up in a couple of different trainings I've been to this year for foster parenting. It's called Q-Tip, and it means "Quit Taking it Personally." It's hard not to, you know. You can understand that behaviour is a reaction to something completely unrelated, it's often the only way a child may know how to get certain needs met, it is the symptom of something much larger. But knowing that doesn't make the days in and days out of outrageous behaviour any easier to take.

I know, from the little bit of research I've done on what exposure to drugs and alcohol in the womb does as far as physical brain damage, and damage to other organs, that some of these behaviours will never get better. I also know that they don't necessarily have anything to do with me. But I'm the one they are often directed towards because I'm the one still standing there when everyone else is gone, and I don't have 10-inch steel plated emotional armor. And after 6 years, I was beginning to take it very personally. How could I not? Again, find me someone who does what I do who says they never take it personally, and I'll show you a liar. We're all human.

So why am I still standing? I have to say, I was coming to my whits end! I scoffed at those social workers who kept saying Q-Tip...what did they know, they don't live with the kids. They just see them here and there once in a while for a few minutes, right? I'm still standing because even though it all feels very personal, I still love them. Instead of giving up, I go back to the computer and do more research. I look for ways to deal with behaviour, to help them change it, to get to the root of it. But if you went to any of the links I posted in my post about FAE and FAS, you'll see that it's near impossible to change a lot of the behaviours that are making me tear my hair out.

My new mantra: Q-Tip. I walk around saying it. I say it to Granny a lot. I keep thinking if I say it enough, it'll get easier to do. Then I found FASlink. These are people who are raising kids they've adopted who are FASD, or people who are themselves FASD. This is where I'm finding my strength and ability to Q-Tip. Just reading their stories and knowing they go through the same things helps. What really helps is learning that all the behaviours are normal for kids with this affliction, and so it can't be personal. Annie isn't hating me or manipulating me, she does love me, and may never know how best to show that or express that. I need to just get over it and make sure she always know how much I love her. That I'd give my life for her.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Charter School vs. Regular Public School

Learning Through the Arts

I've been thinking about it for two years now, and I've finally decided. We have a couple different charter schools in our area, and one focuses on learning through the arts. All kinds of arts. At first I wasn't sure if this would be a good idea, especially for Annie. I wasn't sure how much structure there would be at the school. Annie, having FAE, needs structure! She needs a routine, she needs to know what to expect. My fear has been that she wouldn't get that at the charter school.

So I'd made up my mind that they wouldn't go. Then this school year started, and Annie and Cindy started off by getting detention for throwing rocks on their way to school. They've had a few mishaps since, and so I changed my mind, I was switching their school next year. Plus, Cindy will be in 6th grade next year, which is Middle School for the regular public schools. Cindy is tiny, she has maturity issues, and I've been in fear for her to be going to middle school already. At the charter school 6th graders are still with the elementary, and I think she needs one more year of elementary. That did it, I was switching them.

Then Annie had her birthday party. Seeing her with all her friends...I couldn't do it. How could I take her from them. Thinking about it broke my heart. So that was it. I wasn't going to do it.

Then Angel, my best friend, came along. In our conversation she sounded more like me talking to her. If they go to the charter school:

• They don't have to switch schools to go to middle and high school.
• It won't matter where we buy our next home, they can stay at the charter school.
• It would be better to switch Annie while she's this young than decide to do it later.
• Annie makes friends easily, she'll be fine.
• Cindy will benefit more from the charter school than the gang ridden middle school.
• Both girls are artistic, and love to sing and dance.
• Their soccer club is not through the school, their swimming, and gymnastics are not through the school, and their cheer leading program is not through the school, so sports will not be affected.
• If you don't move them these problems arise: jealousy because Cindy will start riding the bus and Annie won't, jealousy because Cindy will leave earlier than Annie, jealousy because Cindy will get home and be done with homework hour before Annie gets home

For those of you saying big deal to the jealousy thing...you've never seen an FAE rage!! It's worth changing schools for the jealousy issues alone. So now I've decided to switch them. I talked to them about it to see what they thought. They were both so excited I thought they were going to pee!! I got the applications and filled them out and sent them in. Now we just have to wait until April when they have the lottery, and hope the girls get in to the school. Of course, if they don't get in, now that they're so excited about it, I get to deal with that rage anyway.

There was something else that made me decide to go ahead and try the charter school. I have a few friends whose kids go there. These friends are people who have kids with the same afflictions mine have. They have told me that the structure there is actually better than what they were getting in regular public school, and behavior problems have declined. All these other kiddos are doing great, and they love going there. It was actually this testimony that clinched it for me.

And bonus, school clothes shopping will be a breeze, they have a uniform of sorts. Only solid color Polo's and sweaters, and only khaki bottoms, no cargo pants. YIPPEE!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

"Stop and think. If you're pregnant, don't drink."

There's So Much to Know About Fetal Alcohol Effects!

My Annie is fetal alcohol effected. Her birth mom drank, though won't admit it openly, during pregnancy, and Annie will have to pay for her birth mom's actions the rest of her life. My challenge is raising her. I already love her, that part was easy. But the damage alcohol has done to her brain, irreversable damage, not to mention to other organs in her little body, makes day to day living traumatically difficult for her, and everyone who loves her. I think my biggest challenge in being her mom is going to be never giving up, getting past feelings of failure, and remaining open minded and aware. Every so often I research our affliction and find more and more information to ponder. Today I was going to write an article full of this research for you to read, but changed my mind. The amount of information out there to share is immense, and really, I'd rather give you links to go to yourself rather than try to condense the information into a smallish blog posting. Besides, as always happens when I start reading the articles, I get so overwhelmed and caught up in thinking about our own current issues and finding helps from other people who've experienced this that I can't really write a non-biased or non-incident specific article.

Try Family Village Library, or this overview, or the FASD Center, or for some great articles, the FAS/E Support Network of B.C. *Just added: this sight lets you see some of the physical facial anomolies of people with FAS. And I found a community of people who are raising, or have raised children or are afflicted with FAS/E called FASlink.

I've told you some about Annie. When I read these articles, it's like I am reading about her life. The sad thing is, she's never been diagnosed with fetal alcohol effects. Her counselor feels as strongly as I do based on all her behaviors and symptoms, but her birth mom denies any kind of drug or alcohol use, and Health and Welfare won't have any extensive testing done to diagnose it.

Fortunately for her, she does do well in school. She is effected, not syndrome, so she won't have all the severe attributes of FAS, but most times, and as we've seen with her, effected children (FAE) do have severe problems. While her IQ isn't necessarily low, her impulse control is non-existent. She understands time-concepts, but still expects everything to be in the here and now, more so than you would expect from a child her age. She can't relate one situation to another in order to make good choices. In one article I read they talked about how these children (and adults) will see the first possible solution to a problem as the ONLY possible solution, and they won't connect the solution to one problem to another problem. So, for example, Annie knows that if someone steps on her toe, then says they are sorry, but come back and do it again and say sorry again, she can't trust that they won't do it again. But she can't relate that to the fact that she will do something over and over again and say sorry every time, but I don't trust her sorry anymore. To her, she really is sorry, but in 10 minutes she either won't remember what just happened, or she won't be able to control her impulse to do it again. People with this affliction have trouble learning abstract concepts and connecting one lesson to another situation. So, even though they've learned that a shot gun is dangerous, they won't make the connection that a hand gun is dangerous as well. That may seem far-fetched or simplistic, but after living with Annie for the past 5 1/2 years, I can tell you that it's right on.

I believe the hardest part about being Annie's mom is staying focused on her reality and not feeling defeated. And nobody is perfect. If someone tried to tell me they raised kids with FAE, or any other drug exposure, and they never felt defeated, worn out, or unsure of their abilities to do this, I'd say they were lying. They wouldn't be human. My kids are 24-hours a day exhausting. If one isn't raging, another one is. Most of them are on sleeping meds just to get 6 hours of sleep if that, so my house is rarely quiet. I can count on one hand the number of times in the last 5 years that I've gotten home from work or school to find that nobody has been in trouble or thrown a tantrum. That in itself is exhausting.

Why do I write all this? Because I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything. I've committed, and am in this for life. But I'm always looking for suggestions. I can always make time to listen if someone has found ways to get through specific behaviours. I'm looking for others who I can compare experiences with who might be able to give me insight or to whom I might be able to give some encouragement. And of course, though I talk of all the energy it takes to do this, I also hope I can encourage others to give of themselves and become foster parents or help people around them who foster.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Sadness in Their Eyes

And Disappointment on Their Faces...

As a foster parent, when is it our place to delve out information? It depends on what the information is really. And sometimes even who the case manager is. But generally, it is often what you're comfortable with. But there are times it is so hard. Like when we had Stacie, I've told you some about her. She would go through cycles of being OK with where she was at and being so sure she was going home soon. After two years, and knowing with all certainty that she would be aging out in our home, it got too hard to hear her talking about being home by Christmas. I felt like she was only making things harder on herself, that the disappointment that she wasn't home was all the more crushing when she still found herself with us after Christmas. At the time, I didn't feel like it was my place to feed her a plate of reality, that it was her mother's place, and her case manager's place. But they weren't a big help, and I was the one who had to get her through the disappointment each time.

Finally, I got Health and Welfare and her counselor to set up a meeting with her and us and them to talk about her case. If you never thought you could actually feel heartache, I'm here to tell you that you can. It was like having everyone in one room talking about her not going home finally made her have to accept that it was true. The fall of her face, and the life that left her eyes at that moment of realization was almost too much for me! But in the end, it was the best thing we could do for her because she was finally able to move on and stop focusing her energy on something that just wasn't going to happen.

Since then I've become better able to handle my own emotions when it comes to this sort of stuff. But it still is hard to do. Cindy is a lot like Stacie in so many ways. And this is one of those ways. We all know now that she's not going back to her mom, and we know there is no relative to place her with. I've already been asked if I will be willing to keep her until she ages out. And she does know all this, her case manager has discussed it with her, her counselor has talked about it with her. But at their visits, her mom keeps talking to her about when she comes home. And of course, she listens to her mom over everyone else, she's a kid! And you're supposed to be able to trust your mom, no matter what's happened in the past.

But I don't want to see her go through the hills and valleys of emotion that Stacie went through, and I have learned some finesse when being blunt. Last night Cindy was talking about the new bird her mom said she was going to get her. She kept going on and on about it with so much excitement. All I could see was another opportunity for heartbreak in the future. I had to consider that stopping the fantasy now would be better than letting it build and build until it was so big she'd break something in the fall when it all came crashing down. So I stepped in here. OK, I say I've learned some finesse, but I'm not sure I've learned as much as I need. I'm only doing my best here.
I said, "I'm sorry, Cindy, I don't understand. You keep saying you're getting this new pet, but how is it yours if you aren't living with it?"
She gave me a look (mean) and said, "My mom is getting it for me, it'll be mine."
I said, "But you're not going to be living with your mom again, you're going to live here, and we can't have birds here."
She said, "But my mom said I would go live with Aunt ____ if I didn't go home."
Granny said, "But your case worker and counselor have both talked to you and you know that isn't true, right?"
She said, "Yes." And that's when her face fell and my heart broke again. It was Stacie all over. I said, "They've already asked me to keep you here, you're going to grow up with us, and still see and talk to your mom at visits and on the phone. But she can't take care of you, so we're going to do that for her."
Then she surprised me with, "Then can I get a fish?"
She was teary eyed, but non of the tears fell. She perked back up when we talked about getting a fish. I know this isn't the end of it, but I do think it helps them dispel the fantasy when we talk about it with them, let them know we know the reality, and that they are OK here even though they can't be with their parents. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself and living in my own fantasy that everything will be OK now that we've acknowledged the truth of the situation. I will do my best to be a positive in her life while helping her keep her relationship with her mom a positive too. God help me!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Happy New Year! 2007

I Guess I Have to Put Away the Holidays Again...

I love the holidays, but I hate the New Year. Why? Because it seems depressing to put away all the holiday cheer and go back to normal life. So anyway, I guess I'll stop asking for donations for the Giving Tree since it's over now. What's the new focus you ask?

If the case worker with get with the program, Annie will be adopted this Spring. That means I'll no longer be buying her clothes with vouchers, and we'll be able to go where ever we want. I've always supplemented her wardrobe with items I'd buy here and there if I found cute stuff on sale somewhere that didn't take vouchers, but we always bought the bulk of her clothes with vouchers at the few stores who will take them. So I decided I should take this thought and make something special out of it.

I want to take her on a shopping trip. My family used to live in Spokane, WA, and there are places there which hold special memories for me. I've taken her there once, but she was quite a bit younger, and doesn't really remember the trip. I would love to take her there next summer, in August, and show her the sights. I want to make it a fun trip so she can get to know the place that is very special in my memories. And I thought, while we're there, why not shop for school clothes? Wouldn't that be new and exciting? I think so.

Now here's the next thing to consider. Obviously I can't take the whole family. But Granny wants to go and revisit the sights too. And, well, Cindy is definitely going to be with us until she's 18, and I've talked to Casey Family Programs about getting her into their program, which they want to do. If they do that, again, we won't be using clothing vouchers anymore. With them, we shop and they reimburse. So she could shop in Spokane too. Does that take away from the specialness for Annie? I don't know, but I thought she'd have more fun with another kiddo along to play with. So it could be a girls' shopping weekend...what do you think? Will it be quality mother-daughter-granny time or should I start thinking in a different direction?

Oh, by the way, I am finally able to get my home study updated for my 3 year-old's adoption. Did I tell you? So we can finally move forward with that one too. I don't know exactly yet how to pay all the lawyer fees, so far blogging for them hasn't yielded much of anything. And I never heard back from the National Adoption Foundation about the grant they offer. I'm thinking of applying to that again. I want to get this done! I told you she took him for Christmas. Well, she was supposed to have him home early afternoon on Christmas. We called her at noon and they were all still asleep. (They had a 5 hour drive to get him home.) Then we talked to her again at 2 and she said her car wouldn't start, so she wouldn't be bringing him home that day. I kind of started to panic that she was changing her mind. But he got home the next night around 5, and we haven't heard from her since. I want this thing done so this can't happen again. I want to be able to say, "I'm sorry, that won't work for us, but we can do this instead," rather than walk on eggshells like we do right now. You know, I'll still take donations to help get this done if you're so inclined! :-) I'm nervous.

Well, I've got to end this. My New Year's Resolution: Write a book. I got an idea in November, and wrote it down along with a couple opening paragraphs. I need to develop it. I think it could be good. If only I could ever finish anything I started!!!!! (Give me a push.)

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.