Q-TIP
It's all the rage. It's come up in a couple of different trainings I've been to this year for foster parenting. It's called Q-Tip, and it means "Quit Taking it Personally." It's hard not to, you know. You can understand that behaviour is a reaction to something completely unrelated, it's often the only way a child may know how to get certain needs met, it is the symptom of something much larger. But knowing that doesn't make the days in and days out of outrageous behaviour any easier to take.
I know, from the little bit of research I've done on what exposure to drugs and alcohol in the womb does as far as physical brain damage, and damage to other organs, that some of these behaviours will never get better. I also know that they don't necessarily have anything to do with me. But I'm the one they are often directed towards because I'm the one still standing there when everyone else is gone, and I don't have 10-inch steel plated emotional armor. And after 6 years, I was beginning to take it very personally. How could I not? Again, find me someone who does what I do who says they never take it personally, and I'll show you a liar. We're all human.
So why am I still standing? I have to say, I was coming to my whits end! I scoffed at those social workers who kept saying Q-Tip...what did they know, they don't live with the kids. They just see them here and there once in a while for a few minutes, right? I'm still standing because even though it all feels very personal, I still love them. Instead of giving up, I go back to the computer and do more research. I look for ways to deal with behaviour, to help them change it, to get to the root of it. But if you went to any of the links I posted in my post about FAE and FAS, you'll see that it's near impossible to change a lot of the behaviours that are making me tear my hair out.
I know, from the little bit of research I've done on what exposure to drugs and alcohol in the womb does as far as physical brain damage, and damage to other organs, that some of these behaviours will never get better. I also know that they don't necessarily have anything to do with me. But I'm the one they are often directed towards because I'm the one still standing there when everyone else is gone, and I don't have 10-inch steel plated emotional armor. And after 6 years, I was beginning to take it very personally. How could I not? Again, find me someone who does what I do who says they never take it personally, and I'll show you a liar. We're all human.
So why am I still standing? I have to say, I was coming to my whits end! I scoffed at those social workers who kept saying Q-Tip...what did they know, they don't live with the kids. They just see them here and there once in a while for a few minutes, right? I'm still standing because even though it all feels very personal, I still love them. Instead of giving up, I go back to the computer and do more research. I look for ways to deal with behaviour, to help them change it, to get to the root of it. But if you went to any of the links I posted in my post about FAE and FAS, you'll see that it's near impossible to change a lot of the behaviours that are making me tear my hair out.
My new mantra: Q-Tip. I walk around saying it. I say it to Granny a lot. I keep thinking if I say it enough, it'll get easier to do. Then I found FASlink. These are people who are raising kids they've adopted who are FASD, or people who are themselves FASD. This is where I'm finding my strength and ability to Q-Tip. Just reading their stories and knowing they go through the same things helps. What really helps is learning that all the behaviours are normal for kids with this affliction, and so it can't be personal. Annie isn't hating me or manipulating me, she does love me, and may never know how best to show that or express that. I need to just get over it and make sure she always know how much I love her. That I'd give my life for her.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
1 comment:
haha qtip, i like the acronym, i'm going to have to start using it.
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