Sadness in Their Eyes

And Disappointment on Their Faces...

As a foster parent, when is it our place to delve out information? It depends on what the information is really. And sometimes even who the case manager is. But generally, it is often what you're comfortable with. But there are times it is so hard. Like when we had Stacie, I've told you some about her. She would go through cycles of being OK with where she was at and being so sure she was going home soon. After two years, and knowing with all certainty that she would be aging out in our home, it got too hard to hear her talking about being home by Christmas. I felt like she was only making things harder on herself, that the disappointment that she wasn't home was all the more crushing when she still found herself with us after Christmas. At the time, I didn't feel like it was my place to feed her a plate of reality, that it was her mother's place, and her case manager's place. But they weren't a big help, and I was the one who had to get her through the disappointment each time.

Finally, I got Health and Welfare and her counselor to set up a meeting with her and us and them to talk about her case. If you never thought you could actually feel heartache, I'm here to tell you that you can. It was like having everyone in one room talking about her not going home finally made her have to accept that it was true. The fall of her face, and the life that left her eyes at that moment of realization was almost too much for me! But in the end, it was the best thing we could do for her because she was finally able to move on and stop focusing her energy on something that just wasn't going to happen.

Since then I've become better able to handle my own emotions when it comes to this sort of stuff. But it still is hard to do. Cindy is a lot like Stacie in so many ways. And this is one of those ways. We all know now that she's not going back to her mom, and we know there is no relative to place her with. I've already been asked if I will be willing to keep her until she ages out. And she does know all this, her case manager has discussed it with her, her counselor has talked about it with her. But at their visits, her mom keeps talking to her about when she comes home. And of course, she listens to her mom over everyone else, she's a kid! And you're supposed to be able to trust your mom, no matter what's happened in the past.

But I don't want to see her go through the hills and valleys of emotion that Stacie went through, and I have learned some finesse when being blunt. Last night Cindy was talking about the new bird her mom said she was going to get her. She kept going on and on about it with so much excitement. All I could see was another opportunity for heartbreak in the future. I had to consider that stopping the fantasy now would be better than letting it build and build until it was so big she'd break something in the fall when it all came crashing down. So I stepped in here. OK, I say I've learned some finesse, but I'm not sure I've learned as much as I need. I'm only doing my best here.
I said, "I'm sorry, Cindy, I don't understand. You keep saying you're getting this new pet, but how is it yours if you aren't living with it?"
She gave me a look (mean) and said, "My mom is getting it for me, it'll be mine."
I said, "But you're not going to be living with your mom again, you're going to live here, and we can't have birds here."
She said, "But my mom said I would go live with Aunt ____ if I didn't go home."
Granny said, "But your case worker and counselor have both talked to you and you know that isn't true, right?"
She said, "Yes." And that's when her face fell and my heart broke again. It was Stacie all over. I said, "They've already asked me to keep you here, you're going to grow up with us, and still see and talk to your mom at visits and on the phone. But she can't take care of you, so we're going to do that for her."
Then she surprised me with, "Then can I get a fish?"
She was teary eyed, but non of the tears fell. She perked back up when we talked about getting a fish. I know this isn't the end of it, but I do think it helps them dispel the fantasy when we talk about it with them, let them know we know the reality, and that they are OK here even though they can't be with their parents. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself and living in my own fantasy that everything will be OK now that we've acknowledged the truth of the situation. I will do my best to be a positive in her life while helping her keep her relationship with her mom a positive too. God help me!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

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