Coming Out of the Fog

The last time I posted was on Allee's birthday. It's been 2 1/2 years since she left, and no date in all that time has affected me like her birthday this year did. I can't really tell you why. I don't know if it was because she turned 21, and we'd had plans for what we were going to do together for her 21st birthday. It could just be that something inside my brain finally clicked and realized she's gone and probably never coming back. With all the training I get for being a foster parent, and for all the experiences we go through with our kids, I don't think anything can prepare you for this kind of thing. You can talk about it all you want. And it's no different than if it were to happen to someone with their own biological kid. Allee became a part of me in the short time she lived with me, and I embraced her whole-heartedly. When she left, she left a huge emptiness in me.

Sometimes I joke that I've developed attachment disorder from everything I've been through with the kids. I'm becoming more and more like them. But the reality is, I've learned not to trust, and not to get attached, and these are the very premises of attachment disorder. I had a teenage girl living with me last summer who was sweet and cute and full of energy and love. Her situation wasn't what most of these kids are going through, and she went home to her parents at the end of the summer. She visits often, and is doing well. From the first day she walked through my door she reminded me of Allee and Cami, and I put up a wall. I wasn't cold to her, or stand-offish, but I refused to attach, make a bond. I didn't cry when she went home, I hugged her and wished her luck. I am happy to see her and talk to her now, but I refused to let myself get involved with her like I did the other girls. I didn't want to be hurt again.

I spend so much time learning how to help the kids, and trying to help them, and I'm forgetting to learn how to help me. How do I protect myself but still give the kids everything they need? This may be a new issue to study and find a solution for. As foster parents, we need to find that happy medium where we can still give of ourselves, but still protect ourselves so we don't become cold or burn out. Wish me luck!