So Much for that Idea!!

Respite kind of got cut short....

It started out nice. I got all the kids off to their respective respite homes, and spent some quality time with my good friends who were taking my two year old. Will and Annie got to play and eat dinner with their kids, and I got to have adult conversation with someone I don't live with. It was nice. That was Friday night.

Saturday was great! We got up in the morning and went to breakfast. Annie, Will and I went to the church to meet with our pastor. He walked the kids through the ceremony that will be happening in a few weeks to baptize both of them. Then he had same great kids books about it for them, and we all read one together. Will wanted him to play his keyboard and sing a song, so he did. Then Will wanted him to play his guitar and sing a song, so he did. (There is something about my son that makes anyone do just about anything he asks them to do. It's kind of scary some times.) Then we went home. On the way we stopped and they got hot dogs for lunch. At home we waited for grandpa to get there and eat his lunch, then we left. I had the whole day planned. I took them to the YMCA to swim and play, and they were having a great time. Suddenly, Kristy showed up. The family she was in respite with had brought the kids. I was fine with it until Annie came out crying and upset because Kristy was being mean, dunking her under the water and saying mean things. It was time for us to leave anyway, so we did. Next we went to see Shrek the Third. (Will is a Shrek fanatic!) They loved going to the big theatre (we usually go to the dollar theatre or just rent.) They had popcorn and sat next to grandpa and laughed. We had a real good time. Finally I took them to dinner at one of Annie's favorite Mexican restaurants. I got them home and in bed happy as little larks.

On Sunday we slept in a little. Yes, we skipped church. It was nice to sleep, and I discovered that when Kristy isn't there, Annie will actually sleep until about 8:00 or so. Finally, some rest for the weary. Granny was happy because she'd been able to spend all day Saturday doing nothing, getting lots of rest. Will got her up at 7:30 Sunday, but it's better than 6:00!! We went to breakfast again, and planned a nice little BBQ dinner for that evening before we picked up the others. Then we went and all got our hair cut. That was kind of fun too, and spontaneous! Then we got the first call. Kristy had to come home. She'd decided to get up early and try to cook with the family's expensive pans, and burn them and fill their house with smoke. She'd been a lot for them to handle, but this was the last straw. I was quite irritated. I went and got her, and when I got home found out that the 7 year-old had to be picked up too. The minute Kristy got home, all our wonderful calmness and happy-go-lucky fun with Annie ended. She immediately got an attitude and started ignoring Will. I couldn't believe the change in her personality just from having one child come home. Of course, Kristy was mad at the world, and was defiant and insolent the rest of the day. (Who ever thought I'd use a word like insolent?) When the 7 year old (does he have a name on here yet? I'll call him Karl) got home, Will started getting bossy and grouchy. Granny started getting upset with everyone over every little thing. I wanted to go crawl in my bed and hide from them all. After dinner, my 2 year old, Andrew, came home, and then I went to get Cindy.

So our respite was cut short by several hours, and when they all came home, it was like they'd never left. I guess I'd had this pipe dream that they'd all spend some time out of the house, having fun and relaxing, and come home refreshed and happy. Silly me!! I should have known better, I've done this before. But it's like the lottery, you know your chances of winning are always more than slim, but every time you buy a ticket you have great hope and start dreaming of what you'll do with the money.

But never fear, the four oldest are leaving for camp this weekend, so I won't have to listen to them bicker for too long.

Thanks for reading!!

Who Needs Respite?

I DO!!!!!

OK, when I first started foster care, I would say things like, if they were my birth children I wouldn't get respite, so why do I need it? I admit, I was young and dumb!!

The thing is, kids in foster care aren't the same as the kids you give birth to and raise til they're 18. They aren't your kids, and they like to remind you of it. They often want to cause you problems, because many of them think if they are bad enough, everyone will get fed up and send them home. They come from chaos, and are only comfortable in chaos, so they create chaos. They have behaviors that are often unbearable, but were developed as survival skills in the world they were being raised in. Most of them are some kind of alcohol or drug effected in the womb, and a larger and larger number of them every year come into care as users already, at any age.

Not trying to judge, I can say with all honesty, if I had been able to have my own children, and given birth and raised them, they wouldn't have these problems simply because I don't live that life. I don't use drugs, and I don't live a nomadic and largely unemployed life. So my birth children would not have been exposed to anything stronger than caffeine in the womb, or out of the womb. They would have seen from day one that I value a strong work ethic and that I value citizenship and community. And from my example, they would not have had to learn survival behaviors like lying and stealing just to get through the day, or have something to eat.

This is the difference. This is why foster parents need to have respite once in a while. We don't blame the children for their behaviors, and we do love them. But we need short breaks from them once in a while to catch our breath. The stress level in our home gets quite high just from these things I've mentioned. Add to that the acting out that comes from their grief and loss from being ripped away from their families, and if we don't take breaks here and there, we'd only last in this a year or two before we had to be put away.

I have a 10 year old girl who has not been allowed to see or talk to anyone in her family for 6 weeks. As each week passed, her behavior got worse. Can you really blame her? What were you doing and thinking when you were 10? What was your biggest worry?

I have a 7 year old boy who tested positive for methamphetamine when he came into care 2 months ago. He doesn't know why he lives with us, and wasn't allowed to see his mom until 2 weeks ago. He is out of control most of the time.

I have an 11 year old girl who's mother suddenly and without explanation gave up her rights and moved away. Left orphaned and abandoned in my home, she's depressed and confused, scared, angry.

I have an 8 year old who was nearly killed by her birth mom before she was 2 years old, and on top of that was exposed to alcohol in the womb. She sees her birth mom as a black ghost in her nightmares.

I have a three year old who was born addicted to meth. I can't even get the reality of his problems across in words. He's already on anti-psychotic meds.

I have a two year old who has never met his birth mom as she abandoned him at 1 month old. He was almost completely unattached when we got him at 8 months old...nobody had been holding him or nurturing him. What does it feel like to not learn the basic need of love and trust as an infant, and subsequently not know how to attach to people who love you even as a two year old?

I feel for all of them, and love all of them. And because I love them so much, I need a break. I need a little rest so I don't burn out and so I can continue to love them. I get it now! I'm not so naive anymore!! Get me some respite!!!

Thank you for reading, have a wonderful day!!

I'm Honored

I work weird hours, so on Mondays and Tuesdays I don't get home until around 7:30, but I have Fridays off. This should be an advantage for special celebrations and functions which always used to be on Friday or Saturday. But in the last year I've noticed these events being held more on Monday and Tuesday. That doesn't work for me.

So this Tuesday they held the annal Foster Parent Appreciation Picnic at the zoo. It was a huge event with free admission, rides for the kids, and catered dinner. We didn't get to go because of my work schedule.

We had a phone call on Monday asking if we were going to be there because we were getting an award. Granny told them it wasn't going to be possible for us to go. They were disappointed, but understood. I figured they were giving out silly awards to everyone as they often do at these events, so I wasn't real upset about it.

Yesterday one of the social workers brought over the awards we were supposed to receive at the picnic, and they weren't silly certificates. These were very nice, printed awards framed in heavy, expensive frames. Only six awards were given, and we actually received two of them. It made me feel bad that we had not attended. All the social workers in our region voted on who should receive these awards. We were told there was quite a bit of applause when our names were read as the recipients of these awards. I'm quite honored by this. It wasn't something I really expected. I guess I don't really do this for glory, and so I don't consider that I might ever receive something like this. At the same time, I'm excited and grateful at the knowledge of having all the respect and support of our social workers that comes with awards like these.

All I can say is THANK YOUto all who recognized us for this! I'll say it again, I'm honored!

Don't Forget the Older Ones

In all my joy and excitement over these adoptions, I've forgotten to give notice to one of my older girls. Stacee, who turned 20 this year, got married on June 2nd.

I'm so proud of her. I remember the night she came to us, scrawny and scared. She was only 14 and, unfortunately, had lived the life of a much older woman. The four years with us were hard. She resisted learning to love and live in a healthy way. But she survived me, and has gone on to become a beautiful, healthy woman.

She is living on her own, making her own way in the world. She has a good job, and found a man who treats her they way she deserves to be treated. She had a good engagement and is now married. She has a healthy relationship with him, they communicate, and they plan. I'm so proud of her that she hasn't tried to rush in to things since leaving our home. She's really taken to heart the lessons I tried to teach her, and she wants to be a good person. She is happy, and OK with herself.

Stacee calls every once in a while to let us know what's happening in her life. She lives too far away now to be able to see her much. But I always love talking to her. She always sounds so good. Often, when she calls, she lets us know if something we tried to teach her has come in to play in her life. She thanks us often for all we tried to give her. I guess what I need to do now is thank her for letting me important in her life, and for helping me realize who I am and what I can do. I'd also like to thank her for being who she is and sticking to it. We had some difficult times her and I. But in the end, we both gained a whole lot from each other. I miss her so much, but am so happy that she is doing so well and being her own person.

Congratulations, Stacee and Lee, I love you!! Mom :-)

I'm a New Mommy

As of June 7th, Will is mine forever. That's two adoptions in the last two weeks!!

I know they've been living with me all their lives, but I just keep chanting like a giddy new mom..."I'm a new mommy of two." I'm so excited. I just can't explain how this feels to know that nobody can ever take these two babies from me again! (I know, they aren't babies anymore, but they're my babies!) I keep calling them by their full names including their new last names because it feels so good. Will and Annie are mine forever and ever and there will never be the threat that they can be taken from me again!!

What feels different, and good, too is that Will is really being needy of me lately. He's coming to me instead of to Granny a lot more, and he wants to sleep in my bed with me instead of with her. Not that I want him in my bed, it's just knowing that he wants to be there.

I'm sorry, I can't type a lot due to an elbow injury I have right now, but I just want to share with the whole world!!!

I'm a New Mom!!!!!

One Down, Three to Go

Gosh, it's seems like just yesterday I was shamelessly begging for hand-outs to help fund Will's adoption. Guess what! This Thursday, in 3 short days, I will be going to court to finalize it. All the legal paperwork is filled out and sent in. The date has been set. The beginning of a new chapter is only a page away. Only one thing can slow us up now. Even though this is a private adoption, the Department of Health and Welfare has to sign approval, and it's on their desk, it's just a matter of whether they sign it in time for our June 7th court date or not. If not I have to explain to my boss that I need another day off, court had to be canceled, and we'll be having an adoption celebration BBQ before the adoption is done. Not to mention I'll have flown Cami here too early to see it happen!

I'm pretty sure if everyone out there in blogland thinks positive and wishes with all their might, this will happen this week with no problem.

After long years of waiting, wishful thinking, heartbreak when he'd leave, then pure happiness when he returned, and again and again this cycle of let down then ecstaticness...enough to make yo feel bi-polar yourself!! It's happening, and right on the coat tails of Annie's LONG awaited adoption. I'm not sure there's anything else in this world I've ever wanted more, or will ever want again than to have these kids become mine now and forever.

And that's not all!! H&W will begin work on Cindy's adoption as soon as Will's is complete. She will probably be adopted before the end of the year, then the only one left will be Andrew (my 2-year-old.) And with that, I have my family. I have my kids. And together we can try to do our part for our community by being a strong and loving foster family!! (I think I'm loopy with joy.)

Wish us well, I'll write more soon. Thanks for reading!!