I DO!!!!!
OK, when I first started foster care, I would say things like, if they were my birth children I wouldn't get respite, so why do I need it? I admit, I was young and dumb!!
The thing is, kids in foster care aren't the same as the kids you give birth to and raise til they're 18. They aren't your kids, and they like to remind you of it. They often want to cause you problems, because many of them think if they are bad enough, everyone will get fed up and send them home. They come from chaos, and are only comfortable in chaos, so they create chaos. They have behaviors that are often unbearable, but were developed as survival skills in the world they were being raised in. Most of them are some kind of alcohol or drug effected in the womb, and a larger and larger number of them every year come into care as users already, at any age.
Not trying to judge, I can say with all honesty, if I had been able to have my own children, and given birth and raised them, they wouldn't have these problems simply because I don't live that life. I don't use drugs, and I don't live a nomadic and largely unemployed life. So my birth children would not have been exposed to anything stronger than caffeine in the womb, or out of the womb. They would have seen from day one that I value a strong work ethic and that I value citizenship and community. And from my example, they would not have had to learn survival behaviors like lying and stealing just to get through the day, or have something to eat.
This is the difference. This is why foster parents need to have respite once in a while. We don't blame the children for their behaviors, and we do love them. But we need short breaks from them once in a while to catch our breath. The stress level in our home gets quite high just from these things I've mentioned. Add to that the acting out that comes from their grief and loss from being ripped away from their families, and if we don't take breaks here and there, we'd only last in this a year or two before we had to be put away.
I have a 10 year old girl who has not been allowed to see or talk to anyone in her family for 6 weeks. As each week passed, her behavior got worse. Can you really blame her? What were you doing and thinking when you were 10? What was your biggest worry?
I have a 7 year old boy who tested positive for methamphetamine when he came into care 2 months ago. He doesn't know why he lives with us, and wasn't allowed to see his mom until 2 weeks ago. He is out of control most of the time.
I have an 11 year old girl who's mother suddenly and without explanation gave up her rights and moved away. Left orphaned and abandoned in my home, she's depressed and confused, scared, angry.
I have an 8 year old who was nearly killed by her birth mom before she was 2 years old, and on top of that was exposed to alcohol in the womb. She sees her birth mom as a black ghost in her nightmares.
I have a three year old who was born addicted to meth. I can't even get the reality of his problems across in words. He's already on anti-psychotic meds.
I have a two year old who has never met his birth mom as she abandoned him at 1 month old. He was almost completely unattached when we got him at 8 months old...nobody had been holding him or nurturing him. What does it feel like to not learn the basic need of love and trust as an infant, and subsequently not know how to attach to people who love you even as a two year old?
I feel for all of them, and love all of them. And because I love them so much, I need a break. I need a little rest so I don't burn out and so I can continue to love them. I get it now! I'm not so naive anymore!! Get me some respite!!!
Thank you for reading, have a wonderful day!!
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2 comments:
I doubt anyone would hold your need for respite against you!
First of all, I work as a respite worker for children with special needs, and most of the kids I work with are in their original birth families or were adopted at birth. Respite is needed because every parent has to have some time off, but with kids with various needs. you can't really just call the teenager down the street to come watch them. I think even if you were all of your kids' birth mother, you would still be needing respite!
The kind of respite I do is nice because its also considering mentoring. While the parents are having their "down" time, I take the kids out in the community and spend time with them, so they get to be with an adult who is there just to hang with them, not as a parent or a therapist or anything else.
I wanted to sign up to do respite specifically for kids in foster care, but they said you have to be an actual foster parent to do that.
You do have to be a licensed foster parent to do respite for foster children, but we do have a few families in our region who licensed just to do respite. I think that's so cool, and encourage anyone who wants to be involved but not necessarily be a full-time foster parent to get licensed to do respite...this is needed in every region of every state for foster parents!!
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