Now She Wants Him for Christmas

Where Do I Draw the Line?

Let me explain a little to you about what my 3-year-old means to me. I tried for years to have a baby and couldn't. I was one of those rare statistics who would never have my own children. Then I started doing foster care, and hoping to adopt one day. Well, in foster care, you can't hope for a baby. You almost never get to have a newborn, or near newborn, and keep them long enough to adopt. They usually go home. The ones you'll be able to adopt will be older than 5 years old 90% of the time.

I was resigned to this. I was OK with this. I'd learned to handle my own inability, and I'd learned that you can love a child just as much when you first meet them at age 2 or 4 or 15 as you do when you bond with them at birth. When the social worker called me that fateful morning, September 3rd, 2003, and asked if I'd take a newborn baby born addicted to meth, I was pretty excited. They NEVER called me with newborns. Of course I'd take him. She told us he had an older brother who lived with his grandmother (who was not this child's grandmother), and that it looked like they were going to terminate the mom's rights because she'd never done anything to get the older brother back. Wow. Now, of course, no promises. These cases take twists and turns and take you down roads you didn't even know existed, and almost never turn out like everyone expected them to.

This was one of those cases. Two years, to the day, later, mom got both boys back. She'd had another baby by now, but had given that one up for adoption. During this time, we'd worked with her a lot, so we have a good relationship with her, and she promised to never take him from our lives. And she didn't. In fact, two weeks after she got custody and the state vacated the case, he was back at our house. He was there for a "visit". Well, the visits were getting longer and longer, and his time home with mom and brother shorter and shorter. Brother wasn't even there most of the time, he was sent to his other grandmother to live. It was becoming more and more apparent that mom couldn't really handle being a mom. She was more like an aunt. Then she had her fourth baby, and decided to raise this one with it's father. But that only lasted a few months. And on my baby's 3rd birthday, she asked me to adopt him.

She has a hard time handling day to day life and staying sober, and finally realized she couldn't do all that and raise three children...or even one child. So she's giving them all up. I'm trying to get the funds together to get my home study updated so I can get the ball rolling on adopting my baby. It's slow going, I can't quite do it yet. So right now he lives with me, but there's no legal arrangement, and mom still has all legal rights and custody. It hasn't been too bad yet, and I have no problem keeping this open and letting her spend some time with him. But now I have a problem. In all his three years, mom has NEVER spent Christmas with him. She's had the opportunity for the last two years, but didn't want to. She called the other day and TOLD us she was taking him from the 22nd to the 25th out of town to spend Christmas with her mom. WHAT? I can't do anything. I don't have any legal rights yet. I tried to win the lottery a few months ago so I could get this adoption done, but that fell through. She doesn't understand that we have always been his family, and always will be, and he's already looking forward to seeing all his cousins and aunts and uncles, and now he won't get to see them. There's nothing I can do about it. Please pray for my baby.

Merry Christmas to everyone!! Don't forget to donate, it's never too late!!

What's the Worst thing about Doing Foster Care?

If Someone Asked, I'd Have to Say...

The thing is, there are things that get to you, wear you down, burn you out, but if you're doing it for the right reasons, there's not a whole lot I'd say I DON'T like about doing foster care. But there is one thing that, if I didn't have to deal with it, all the rest would be a party. You're wondering what that one thing is that is so awful? One of the social workers I used to work pretty closely with called it Livestock. That's a good word, because just the mention of it doesn't make you itch. Have you figured it out yet? LICE...Head Lice. It is by far the absolute worst part of doing foster care!!!!!!

I'm sure part of my problem is that I already have a real phobia about creepy crawlies, moths, even lady bugs. Butterflies are only beautiful from afar for me. Even birds are a little creepy to me. So the very thought of tiny little ickies all over your head just about make me vomit. We don't get it too often, but often enough that it's got me squirming. And it's near impossible to get rid of. The summer Annie was three, her birth mom finally decided to show up at some of the visits. The first time she did, she brought a brush from home and played with Annie's hair. All of a sudden Annie had lice. We spent the whole summer fighting it. Every time we'd just about get it under control, birth mom would bring in the brush again. We begged the case manager not to let her keep doing this, but it took several visits, like 3 months worth, to convince the case manager that that was where the Livestock was coming from. In the meantime, several other members in my house had to be treated...including ME!

EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Never in my life had I ever had livestock in my hair. Never in my life had I ever known anyone who had. It was disgusting. I wanted to shave my head!! Just the thought makes me itch. Since then we've only had two others come in with it. One was a little three year old girl we had for about six months a few years ago, and the other is the five year old we have now. Actually, this one didn't come in with it, she picked it up from her visit. That's the worst kind cuz even when you get rid of it finally, they just get it again the next time they see the family. I want to shave her head so we don't have the mess any more.

OK, writing about this is making me itch. If any of you know any good remedies for this that I haven't tried, let me know, please!! We've used NIX, RID, mayonnaise, olive oil, tea tree oil...I'd use Pennzoil if I thought it would help!!

Well, that was a nice holiday topic. Sorry, it's just on my mind. Hope I didn't creep you out as much as I creeped myself out. Now think of candy canes and gingerbread, and how you could help poor foster children have happy Christmas memories too...
Time for the spiel...give of your heart, give to the Giving Tree to help give foster children a wonderful Christmas! We really need your help!! Thank you for your support!

I'm Crying Because I'm Happy

Are you for Real?

OK, you see it in movies, and maybe I've seen one or two people in my life cry because they were happy, but you have to hear this. Last night was Cindy's school Christmas program. I had to work, so poor Granny had to take all the kids by herself. She asked Annie to be a big girl and be a help with all the little kids, and auto response Annie said her usual, "OK." But while they were there, she was fidgety, she was loud, she was whiny, she took off running in the lobby. She was actually the worst one of the bunch for my mom last night. When they got home, instead of getting ready for bed and minding, she stood in the middle of her room and nagged at each of the other girls as the came in. Then, 5-year-old made a face and "nah-nah-nah" at her and she started screaming. Yes, screaming, no exaggeration. This get so hard to take some times!

So I'm in there, having another calm-voiced, one-sided conversation about why are we doing this again. I tell her, "5-year-old doesn't care about any of us, she's only here a short while, and you know this, but you take it so personally when she does this. Yet, we are your family and love you more than anyone else could and you give us nothing but grief. In a few weeks you'll be 8, but tonight you acted out worse than the 2, 3, 4, & 5 year olds. What's going on, why can't we improve the behaviour instead of it always being the same?" (Word of a frustrated, ready to tear her hair out mom.) Annie starts crying. "Why are you crying? You're not even in trouble, I just want to know why the behaviour never changes." "I"m happy! I'm crying because I'm happy." I was floored. What do I do with that? She said it always made her so happy to hear me say how much I love her. Somebody help me, I don't get it. I said, if you're so happy that we love you so much, why can't you give some of it back by having better behaviour? Shoulder shrug...typical. Somebody tell me again why I chose to parent kids with problems, sometimes I just need to hear that I'm doing the right thing here.

Moving on...I told you we would get another one before Christmas. You notice above I made mention of a 4 year old. She came to us last week. She's so cute and sweet, and needs so much. She's the same size as 3-year-old. You can't understand a word she says. She's mostly potty trained, but not entirely. I think I already love her. I need to call the school district and get her and 5-year-old evaluated, see if they qualify for the special pre-school cuz neither of them will be ready for kindergarten next year, and they are both supposed to be starting.

OK, time for the spiel...give of your heart, give to the Giving Tree to help give foster children a wonderful Christmas! We really need your help!! Thank you for your support!

Politically Correct Gone Too Far...

What Kind of Rice????

OK, I have to tell you this story. I was lying on the sofa last week recovering from surgery (none too well) and listening to the dinner conversation going on in the next room. I hadn't laughed much all week because I'd been pretty sick. (I had some complications after surgery.) The family was having lasagna (2-year-old's favorite, he could eat his weight in it!) and 17-year-old said, "Granny, you know what sounds good?" "What?" "Mexican lasagna." This is a little dish my mom sort of made up one night when we were trying to think of something to eat, inexpensive, but different...and NOT hot dogs and mac & cheese! It's kind of just a flat taco casserole, but using flour tortillas rather than corn. But it's pretty good, and the kids love it. So I was sitting there, thinking, ya, that might be good in a few days when I'm more on the mend.

Then Cindy pipes in. Now, I have to tell you, she sometimes says very odd things, inappropriate things, things out of the blue that don't pertain...but this time it was just funny! She said, "YA, and some HISPANIC rice." I couldn't help it, I just started laughing, then she said, "well, and some English rice too." I could hear my mom trying not to laugh at her, but Annie lost it. My mom finally said, "You mean Spanish rice and white rice?" Poor Cindy, she was only trying to be racially sensitive. You gotta love 10-year-olds!



So anyway, I got a staph infection after my surgery, so I spent most of last week still down rather than building myself back up to be ready for work this week. My first day back was surprisingly exhausting, but today was better. Luckily, I only work this week and next, and then we are closed fora week and a half. (Plus, I work Monday through Thursday, so I still get my 3-day weekends each week til then!) I should be doing fine by the holidays when everyone is here.

OH GUESS WHAT!!!!!

We heard from Kneesaa last night, and they are moving back to Idaho!! I'm so happy, and now I can watch my grandson grow up! I guess both Kneesaa and her husband finally figured out that they are unhappy on the East Coast and will be moving back in February! I'm so glad. It's hard to be a controlling mother and doting Ya Ya (Greek for grandma) when the people you want to control and dote on live thousands of miles away!! :-) Besides, I'm just not comfortable having the people I love so much live so far away. And this is all about me you know!!



OK, I'll leave you now. Remember, the foster kids are counting on your donations to give them a wonderful Christmas! Donate to my site today and all the money will go to the Giving Tree!!

Haven't Been Writing Much Lately

Sorry I've Been so Brief

I decided since I'll be out a while now, I should write something more than begging for donations! (But don't let that stop you from donating, those kids deserve a great Christmas!) So I had to think about this a little, what did I want to write? I thought about continuing the story, but decided, instead, to talk about an issue we're having in the Angel Retreat right now.

As most of you know, I am adopting 7-year-old Annie. She's been with me since she was 2, and really, I'm the only mom she's ever known. I also have a girl, 10-year-old, let's call her Cindy, who I am not adopting. She's been with me for a year, and it looks like they are going to terminate her mom's rights. Now, am I saying adoption is completely out of the question? No. But right now it looks unlikely. Let's look at it this way, she's 10, almost 11. By the time they get termination, she'd be 12 at least, then they have the appeal process, and now we're looking at 13 or 14. She and her mom have a pretty strong bond, and she's never going to want to sever that. If a child is 12 or older, they have to agree to be adopted, or it won't happen. She will be 14 years old by the time any kind of adoption could happen, and she'll never agree to end her relationship with her mom. She's better off to stay with us in long-term foster care, continue to have visitation with her mom facilitated by Health & Welfare, or Casey Family Programs if we can get her into that, and not have to lose her mom completely.

But right now, Cindy is 10, and she doesn't understand any of this. So here's the issue. She feels left out because Annie is being adopted and she's not. I tried to explain to her that she has her mom like Annie has me, so Annie isn't getting anything more than her. I tried to explain that Annie will never see her birth mom again like she gets to see her mom, and that's why she has me like she does. But she really doesn't get it. She just sees Annie getting something special, and she wants it too. And the way she's dealing with it is to tell Annie ghost stories at night, and tell her things that will scare her on the way to school. This is frustrating, Cindy knows Annie has nightmares, and is afraid of the dark and being alone, and wants to scare her because she feels left out. What more do I do? At what point do I discipline? I know why she's doing it, I can't make her understand something she doesn't get, and I can't get her to quit scaring Annie. Any suggestions?

Remember to give to the kids, donate here!!!

P.S. Referring back to the first paragraph of this post, I'm having surgery tomorrow. Because it is impossible for me to have children of my own, and because I have endometriosis which is causing me scruciating pain, I'm having a complete hysterectomy. I won't be on a computer for the next week, so I won't be able to lose any Battle of the Blogs for a while. Wish me luck!

It's Christmas Time!!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I hope everyone out there is gearing up to enjoy their friends and family and have a wonderful holiday season. I know we are. Our Giving Tree project is in full swing, and we should start seeing gifts for foster children coming in some time in the next week or so. We were able to get 5 trees set up around the community, which is great. It's actually harder than you might think to find places to put a tree. The Salvation Army has pretty much dominated the retail space in the area. Most churches have long term commitments with other organizations. So to find an extra church or two this year to take our trees was...well...a Godsend for lack of a better word.

Again, I'd like to thank all of you out there who have given to the tree. I'll post a picture of the gifts you buy when it's all said and done. I can't post pictures of smiling faces for confidentiality reasons. Just know your love is felt by all of us when these kiddos get to have a full Christmas experience! If you haven't donated but still want to, click my "Make a Donation" button. All donation to this site until Christmas will go to buying gifts for foster children.

PS Donations go to The Angel Retreat

And will be forwarded to the Giving Tree.

Just Click the Banner!

OK, I made it so all you have to do is click the above banner to donate to foster kids for Christmas. I'm not sure what the extra little dodads above and below it are. I hope this works. Once I publish it, can I take it off if it isn't working?

Happy Thanksgiving to all!! See you next week!!

Two Days Until Thanksgiving

Then Will it be OK to Talk About Christmas?

What a happy time this is! I LOVE the holiday season, it's so full of family and traditions, and love. I feel sorry for all those who find it a time to be sad and grumpy. Why not enjoy the season? If it were up to me, it would be like this all year round!! This time of year makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Try it, you might like it!!

OK, OK, jeez...now time for my appeal to you. Kids in foster care need you. We only want them to have a good Christmas to make their situation a little more bearable. They can't be with their family for the holidays, but maybe they can at least enjoy themselves. We usually have no trouble at all obtaining gifts for the younger kids, but kids from 12 to 18 get very little. You can help. Anything you donate to this site from now until Christmas goes to buy gifts for foster kids. If you all gave $1, or $2, we could help a lot of kids. Please give to the Giving Tree. Thank you to all those who have already given, you have hearts of gold!

I won't be posting again until after Thanksgiving. The rest of the week is very busy. Happy Thanksgiving to all! Enjoy your turkey.

Give of Your Heart

I have to prepare for a foster parent training I'm doing tomorrow, so I won't be writing a regular post today. I hope you'll consider donating to foster kids for Christmas though. Click on my "Make a Donation" button to the left, and donate through Pay Pal. Thank you for you kindness!

Accent Quiz

Nothing I didn't already know I guess...

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The West Your accent is the lowest common denominator of American speech. Unless you're a SoCal surfer, no one thinks you have an accent. And really, you may not even be from the West at all, you could easily be from Florida or one of those big Southern cities like Dallas or Atlanta.
The Midland
Boston
North Central
The South
The Inland North
Philadelphia
The Northeast
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

The Giving Tree

In Case You're Wondering What This Is...

I realize that if you don't read my blog regularly, and you see this banner, you're probably wondering what it's for. For most foster families, Christmas can be complicated. Health & Welfare tries to help out by giving us $30 per child to buy gifts, but it doesn't go far. They used to put some of the kids on those trees you see in malls, but they never included all the kids. So as a foster parent association, we took over that effort, and Granny and I are the ones who usually run it. We put trees up mostly in churches, and in one retail store. (Retail stores are hard to get because the Salvation Army has taken over most of the big ones.) We try to put tags on the trees indicating specifically what each child wants and needs, and hope they each get something.

We also have, as you may have read here, quite an influx of children this time of year, sometimes even on Christmas Eve or in the wee hours of Christmas Day, and so we try to have extra so we have something to give them. As adults, we know that Christmas is not about the getting, but put yourselves in the shoes of a 3-year-old, or 10-year-old, or even a 16-year-old kiddo who has been taken from their family, from everything they know and love, and put to live with strangers. We try to make their lives as normal as they can be considering their circumstances.

When you were a kid, how would you feel to sit in a house of strangers watching them celebrate Christmas, but not being included? Now that's not to say foster parents don't include the kiddos in their traditions, but it puts a strain on our finances. We may suddenly have up to 6 extra kids in our home at Christmas time. That's how these trees help out. Foster parents are already giving a lot, emotionally and financially, and the trees give an opportunity for others in the community to be a part of the giving. We get a great response every year, but there are always tags left on the tree. And they are usually tags for teens. We count on cash donations at this time of year so that we can buy gifts and gift cards for those teens. Some of them will be moving out on their own soon and need stuff for their apartments, some will be going to college, some have small children of their own and will have to be financially responsible for them soon. These kids won't have the same support and gifts coming from bio-families that most of us have, so we try to get them things they'll need to help out. Think about it, can you spare a couple dollars to help the kids have a good Christmas? If so, please click my "Make a Donation" button, and I will make sure your funds buy gifts for these kids.

We have over 500 kids in our region of Idaho in foster care right now. That's a lot of kids to buy for, and a whole lot more than we've had in past years. I promise to post a picture of what you buy so you can see the good you did!

Thank you!

Allee's Adoption

And All that Came with it...

We were headed into the spring of 2003. Rita had moved on to a family who were new to foster care, but incorporated her into their family very well. She would still come to visit us, and stayed with us whenever they needed respite. In the mean time, we weren't really taking any new kids for a while. I had something else to concentrate on for a few months. I'd officially decided to adopt Allee, she'd officially decided to adopt me, and the department had officially decided to let it happen. She was 17 years old, and had been in foster care for 11 years. She'd never lived in one place for more than 1 1/2 years. I wanted our home to be her permanent home. Everyone who'd known her and worked with her during the past 11 years felt like she really was doing better with me than she had anywhere else. When she'd moved in with me a year earlier, she was a year behind in school, and now she was only 2 semester classes away from being caught up...she would graduate with her class next year. She wasn't stealing (so much) any more. She wasn't causing chaos in the home. She really seemed to have settled in and made my family her family. I loved her with everything I had.

But another problem was arising. Kneesaa still wasn't free for adoption. She was also 17, had been with me for 2 years, and wanted to be adopted. I wanted like anything to adopt her as well, but it was looking like I would have to wait until she was 18. For whatever reasons they could come up with when I asked, the department just never filed to terminate her parents rights even though she wanted it, and even though she was never going home. Her father said he would sign voluntarily, but mom was another story. So we had another year to wait for me to adopt her. But in my mind, at least we were going to be able to do it, and she was already my daughter, we just wouldn't have the paper to say so until next spring.

Let's not forget, though, Kneesaa competed with Allee on EVERYTHING! She was very angry, with me, with Allee, with her bio-mom, with the courts...with the world. At the time, I think she believed that if I loved Allee, I couldn't love her too. She was also angry because she'd been there first, and felt she should be adopted first. I think she felt I should wait to adopt Alle until after I could adopt her. Times got very rocky for all three of us. On top of all this, Allee started to get scared. She'd been to this point of adoption before, and then was rejected, and she was expecting me to reject her. In fact, she became almost impossible to live with so I would reject her and get it over with. But I didn't. The closer we got to the adoption, the more I put up with her antics just to show her I meant it when I said I loved her. And the more I put up with her antics, the more Kneesaa withdrew from me thinking I didn't love her. I finally got all three of us in counseling together. I don't think it helped much then, but I think in the long run, it's helped Kneesaa look back and see that I always loved her.

The day of adoption finally arrived, May 25, 2003. I had my first daughter, and in a year she'd be graduating from high school. That day was so special. For everyone, I hope. Allee and I had found a skirt and top outfit that we liked, so she bought the skirt and I bought the top, then she found a black top and I found a black skirt, and we went in dressed alike. We had all our friends and family with us in the court room. Granny took lots of pictures. We all cried as both Allee and I signed the adoption papers. (Kids over 12 have to agree to the adoption or it won't be finalized.) The judge was real nice about letting Granny get pictures of us with him. Then we went home and had a big party. How wonderful to celebrate an addition to your family, with that person! I'll never forget how happy and alive I felt that day.

The girls started settling down some after that day. Allee eased off on the antics, though it would take Kneesaa over a year more to realise I did love both of them equally. Eventually, both girls started making fun of me because I was only 15 years older than them. The funny thing to me was I could remember when I was 15, I told everyone I never wanted kids. Look at me now!

So, in the first months of my third year in foster care, I began a whole new journey, motherhood, and as you'll see as you read, it gets even better from here! Thank you for reading!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Because There's so much to do...

We Start Thinking About Christmas Before Thanksgiving...

I didn't know if I'd write a post today, I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about. But I've been sitting here for the last three hours creating an Excel spreadsheet that will soon generate labels to stick to tags to hang on Christmas Trees in our area so people who want to donate can buy gifts for foster kids. And all this made me think of all the posts I've read lately that complain about Christmas showing up in stores and such before Halloween is over, and what happened to Thanksgiving. I can't vouch for the stores other than to say they are just trying to make as much money as they can during the holiday season. That doesn't mean YOU have to forget about Thanksgiving.

But for us, we have to start our project long before Halloween even. If you don't secure locations for your trees, some bigger organization will take it first. We have to start hounding Health and Welfare for contact information to be able to talk to all our foster parents and find out what our kiddos are needing and wanting for Christmas. The phone calls take up a lot of time, trying to get a hold of everyone, and the conversations you have so you can represent each child pretty accurately on the trees. We have to line up some sort of warehouse or large empty building so we can store the gifts as they come in and get them sorted and prepared for distribution. Then there's the actually setting up of the trees with the tags, and collecting the gifts as they come in. We have to sort them. Then we have to make contact again to let the foster parents know when and where to pick up the gifts. Of course, there's the last minute needs because kids are coming into care every day, up to and through Christmas (if you've read my posts, you'll know we even get them very early on Christmas morning.) We try to obtain extra gifts to have on hand for these kids. It's quite a process, and it's rewarding to see foster kids having wishes fulfilled. In some ways, I'm grateful the stores are getting things going somewhat early so people are more in the spirit for our cause.

If you'd like to donate to the Giving Tree cause, you can make a donation here and leave a note that that is what it's for, and we'll be sure to get that donation to the kids on the trees. Because, while we usually have no problem getting gifts for little ones, people are not as apt to buy for the teens in care, so we always count on cash donations to buy for the teens.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thank you for reading.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

We LOVE to Sing!

And We Do It All the Time...

Growing up, there was always music in my life. I used to sit and listen to my mom's 45's all the time, and as I got older started recording them on tapes for us to listen to in the car. The radio was nearly always on in the house from my very first memories. When I was a pre-teen and all the way through high school, we ran the local movie theatre, which meant cleaning it during the day and operating it in the evening. While we were cleaning, music was blasting from the sound system. We listened to oldies from my moms era, classic 70's, metal from the 60's, 70's and 80's, all the 80's rock, hair bands, girl vocalists, metal, dead one-hit-wonders from the 50's and 60's, you name it. I loved Supertramp, the Eagles, ABBA, Guns-n-Roses, Meatloaf, Bread, Styx...all of it. At one point, I began to feel I'd filled up so much of my memory with song lyrics there was no room for anything else. I can't remember my daughter's weekly counseling appointment, but turn the radio on to any station and I can sing just about any song that comes on. I love music.

I'm afraid I'm turning every kid who comes into my house into me this way. The radio is always on in our house. My 3 year old knows all the words to all the songs on my moms KLITE station. We drive down the road in our van and the radio is playing "Blinded By the Light", and ALL my kids know ALL the words. Even my almost-2-year-old is starting to get in on the action. And if the radio isn't working (we need a new one, badly!!) everyone is singing their own song. Sometimes we'll all break out in the same tune, but most of the time we're all in our own world singing to our own soundtrack.

It never occurred to me how strange this might seem to others until one day this summer. We'd spent the whole day together as a family, running errands, shopping. We went from store to store, showing off our circus, and minding our own business. (We get a lot of looks because of our number, our age range, and the different races.) Suddenly, we were traipsing along in WalMart, and I came back to reality. I stopped humming the song that'd stuck with me from church the week before, and I looked around. At that moment in time, every member of my family was singing, out loud, a different song. 2-year-old was chanting the "ABC's", 3-year-old was singing "Old McDonald" and each time he needed a new barn animal someone in the family would absent mindedly interrupt their own song to give him one, Annie was singing "Who Let the Dogs Out", 10-year-old was singing a song she'd learned in school the year before, Granny was humming the last song we'd heard on the radio in the van, 17-year-old was singing along with radio WalMart, and I was singing church songs. So, to make us look even more crazy, I burst out laughing, I found it so humorous I couldn't even explain why I was laughing. It was just one of those moments that struck the right cord, and I was almost hysterical.

It's a good thing we've all become so immune to the strange looks we often get, cuz we were getting them times-10 that day. I love my family!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Sometimes Things Feel Weird

And You Have to Make Tough Decisions...

After Christmas, and as we headed into our third year in foster care, I began to feel less like a newbie, and more like an experienced parent. I was (and still am) in awe of those who'd been doing this for 20 plus years, but at least I didn't feel unsure of what I was doing anymore. Some things were helping me feel more comfortable with my knowledge. One, we'd started a foster parent association, and somehow I found myself as president. Honestly, I went to the meeting to see what it was all about, and one of the social workers there nominated me, and the other foster parents elected me. What it made me realize was how involved I'd become in so many aspects of foster care. I was advocating for teens in care, helping set up new support groups and learning groups for them. I went to a national conference for independent living sponsored by the Daniel Memorial Institute. All of this was making me feel like I'd found my calling, my niche in the world. I was meant to do foster care, help those who had nobody.

But at the same time, I started to feel conflicted. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable having Rita in our home. In most ways she was just like all our other girls, loving and needy. But in some ways she...well...creeped me out. How horrible to feel this way about someone who needed me. She loved living with us, and wanted to stay forever. But there was something about her actions, something physical, that was too sexual for me. I'm not sure I can convey this the way I want so you'll understand. Usually, girls who have been molested will either be completely withdrawn, or they will act out sexually towards men. Rita was sexual towards everyone, male or female. When she hugged me goodnight, it felt like she was making a move on me.

I don't blame her. I don't think anyone ever gave her familial affection, and they only thing she new about love was sex - with either gender. Training does not prepare you for everything. They tell you things that could happen, and most of what they tell you does eventually happen to you, but they can't prepare you for how you'll feel. I was having a real hard time with this, but I was trying to work through it. I knew it wasn't her fault, and I knew she had to be taught more appropriate ways of showing affection with others. But the kicker was when she'd been gone to her aunt's for the weekend, and when she came home, she ran in the house and threw her arms around Lainie and picked her up and hugged her in what looked more like the reunion of lovers than of friends and sisters.

From that point on, I stopped worrying about my reaction to Rita, and started worrying about the other kids in the house. I feared her being alone with Annie, and so never let that happen anymore. I worried that with Stacie's problems, Rita could trigger an emotional breakdown or something worse. I can't tell you how much I worried about Lainie on so many levels. It was breaking my heart. I had to make a tough decision, figure out what was best for everyone.

In the end, after consulting with some of our social workers, we decided it would be best to move her to another home. Hopefully one where there wouldn't be as much potential for trouble in this nature. We decided this move would not just protect the other girls in my home, but also protect Rita from accusations, or even temptation. The hurt on her face when we told her she was moving was almost unbearable. I honestly don't know how we were able to go through with this move, but we had to. Then, to make my guilt worse, since then Rita has not done well. The last I heard of her (just recently) she was running wild and getting in trouble. She's not in foster care anymore, but she's not doing well either. I wish I could do something for her now, but I don't know what, and would it be too little too late? Would she have a better life right now if I'd kept her in my home? I'll never know.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

My 2nd Christmas as a Mom

Christmas 2002

This Christmas seemed even more special to me. I had all the girls who seemed more like a part of me than any of the others had, I had Kneesaa, Stacie, Allee, Lainie, and Annie. They were all so special. We decided to get real creative with our Christmas card pictures that year, and dressed everyone up as cowgirl Angels and posed on bales of hay. The pictures were so cute! I wrote our Christmas poem, and we signed it the Angel Retreat, and sent it our to all our family and friends, and case workers. It was really our second such card, but the first with such a poem and the first using our name, "Angel Retreat". This has since become a tradition. I already have people asking about this year's card!

Of course, just after we sent this card out, a new angel came to us. Rita, another 13 year old girl. She seemed to fit in well right away. It was kind of funny (to me) to see how the dynamics of the girl's changed with every new girl who came along. Suddenly, Lainie and Rita were best friends. This kind of left Stacie out as she and Lainie had been best friends before. Allee and Kneesaa, both the same age (separated by a month), and the only blonds in the house, were at the same time best friends and mortal enemies. They had to stick together against the force of the dark heads, but the competition for top spot in the pecking order between them was so strong they often were fighting against each other. One of our social workers, who worked with all the girls on independent living skills, secretly called Allee and Kneesaa the Barbies. They were both beautiful and girlie, and had smiles to melt the crowd. The dark heads were more tomboyish and frumpy most of the time. Although, Lainie wanted to be more girlie, she hated the Barbies and wanted to be nothing like them. And now Stacie found herself in the middle. Rather than stand up for herself, she withdrew. She hated the Barbies too, but would conspire with them just so she wasn't alone.

Then there was Annie. Annie was loved by all. She was also shunned by all. They loved playing with her, or showing her off to all their friends, but she had started developing the dreaded rage behaviour we've come to know, and the older girls were already tired of it. Here she was, 3 years old, so small she was still wearing size 24 months clothes, and acting like a 16 year old girl. (Except for the rages.)

But all that got put aside for Christmas. I loved sharing my childhood memories with them, and giving them the gift of our family traditions. We also started a tradition of our own. I'd heard about it from a co-worker. He said it was a German tradition to set your shoes out on the eve of St. Nicholas day, and St. Nick would come while you were sleeping to leave gifts in your shoes. The gifts would indicate whether you needed to improve your behaviour, or you were doing OK. So you would get socks, candy if you were real good, and coal if you had work to do. The girls loved the idea, so it became an Angel Retreat tradition.

Another tradition I showed them was that we open a gift here and there during the whole month of December until Christmas Eve when we open all our other gifts. Usually, the early gifts are things like family Christmas t-shirts, Christmas pajamas, new blankets, slippers. You know, cozy stuff. They loved it. We'd all sit around in the living room to open a gift, and I think it was more the togetherness than the gift that meant something.

In all, everyone had no problem getting into the family spirit of Christmas as we included them in all our rituals. It was a happy time in the house. Rivalries were somewhat set aside, bad behaviour was put on a shelf, and we were all one. It's what most families do anyway, but it was more special to me for two reasons: 1) I was a mom finally, and these were my kids! and 2) None of these people were family biologically, but were able to come together and have this special time together. Thinking about their losses at that time, and helping each other through says a lot about those kids no matter what they've done since or are doing now. They are capable of compassion, and showed it when it was needed most.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Let's Look a Little Deeper

Part 3... Lainie and Annie

Lainie

This was a tough one for me. Lainie had a lot going on, her case was complicated, and she was even more complicated. She didn't want to get close to anyone, but wanted everyone to think she was their best friend. I loved her. Not right away. She came in first thing trying to manipulate me and get away with whatever she could. But one thing about foster parents who've taken a lot of teens, they've been through it already. I recognized what she was doing immediately. I dealt with it. I made her help clean the kitchen when it was her night no matter how sick she said she was because not ten minutes earlier she was laughing and conversing and shoveling food in at the table with all the others. I would tell her the kitchen was close to the bathroom so it would be quick to get to if she really had to vomit while she was cleaning. Of course she never did. We all knew she wasn't sick. She also found out right away that we meant it when we said all kids in the house would lose TV privileges if anyone earned grades lower than a "C" because they weren't trying their best. She suddenly became a straight-A student after we'd been told she was barely passing her classes in school before coming to us.

Once we got past some of the initial power plays, we were able to enjoy each other a little more. But the whole time she was with us, I could feel something just wasn't there. I loved her immensely and would have adopted her at the drop of a hat. She always said she wished I could adopt her. Yet I felt something essential from her side was missing. Then when the day came that her mom terminated rights, she was gone. Not physically, but emotionally. She'd already chosen to be adopted elsewhere, and no longer had any interest in our family. The day she left for her new family, I was devastated. My heart hurt so much, and I cried long and hard, even though I knew she wasn't crying for us. She has never made contact with me again. She has contacted Stacie, once. But in her heart, she was never part of us, she was only part of us in our hearts, and that's just not enough. I think about her so much...she's been gone 2 1/2 years. I imagine her growing up, being quite the young woman now, and determined to be successful in every way. I love her, miss her, and hope she's happy.

Annie

Annie is my princess. She was so small when she came to me, only 2 1/2 years old. My relationship with her is no different in most ways than it is between any birth mom and child. She has behaviour problems and difficulties caused from the injuries she sustained as an infant, but emotionally, we are mother and daughter. We do talk about her birth mom whenever she is needing to talk about her. But Annie doesn't remember anyone in her life before me, and I would give my life for her. I don't know her birth mom other than from seeing her at a distance. It was never a safe situation to meet her or work with her. Annie would not be safe with her still, so we will try to find birth mom when Annie is older, an adult, and strong enough emotionally to deal with what she will face. I can't really say much else...all of you who are mothers to daughters, or daughters with mothers should already understand this relationship.

I am getting very excited about finalizing the adoption for Annie. In my heart and should she is mine and always has been, but legally not yet. I keep hoping we can get it done before Christmas. Something happened in church that brought tears to my eyes yesterday. Our pastor always does a "Children's Message" between the gospel and the sermon. For this, he brings all the children to the front of the sanctuary and sits on the floor with them and shares with them. Yesterday he was talking about "All Saints Day" and how we are all saints, our baptism made us so. The look on Annie's face was crushing. She won't be baptized until the adoption is final, and this is something she's looking forward to. It's important to her, and until then, she doesn't feel like a complete part of our family and church community. These are feelings she's expressed to me in the past. So when he said all of us who were baptized were saints, I could tell by looking at her that she was sad and feeling left out by it all. I wanted to hold her tight and make everything OK, which I did when she came back to the pew, but everything is not OK. She needs the permanence of this adoption on so many levels. I just hope she isn't setting herself up for a big fix that won't be realized. I want to cry.

I'm on a tangent, but I have to say that I worry about the same thing with my 3 year old. I'm trying to get money together to get his adoption done, and I'm afraid if I can't get it done soon enough, he'll start to have some of the same issues Annie has. I sometimes wish he'd stayed in foster care so we could get his done quick and easy. But because he isn't in care anymore, I can't get the adoption assistance from the state to help afford the legal fees and homestudy. If you feel even the least bit inclined to help with his adoption fees, the Angel Retreat would be oh so grateful! (Just click the "Make Donation" button on the left and donate away! :-) )

Anyway, I received some nice comments this weekend, and I love reading them. I'll respond, but I am still a bit computer intelligence delayed in all this, and have trouble getting the computer to get responses out. Which is best?: send an email (can't always do this for some reason), go to commenter's blog and respond back (seems a little weird), or respond with a comment below theirs on my blog (seems the easiest, but do they read them?). Let me know what you think/do. Thanks.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Happy Holidays!

It's that Time of Year Again...

This is when my family has always begun gearing up for togetherness, fun, and tradition. For me, the season always begins the first of November, that last of the countdown to my birthday on Veterans Day. I remember, growing up in the Wood River Valley, it ALWAYS snowed on my birthday. Often, it was the first snow of the year.

Then a few weeks later, it was time for Thanksgiving. What I love about these memories is the warmth and comfort of our house. That wonderful smell of cinnamon sticks simmering in a pot of water on the wood burning stove, the mouth watering scent of onions and celery sauteing in preparation of mom's great stuffing. We'd spend the morning getting the house clean, and the afternoon watching football, setting the table, and best of all....eating! The whole family was always there. My memories of this holiday are warm and comfortable, happy.

The day after Thanksgiving we decorated for Christmas, because as much as we loved Thanksgiving, Christmas was the day we were really anxious for. The lights were put up outside (if they hadn't been left up the year before so we wouldn't have to go out in the cold.) The whole inside of our house was decorated with garland, the tree (of course), stockings, table cloths, you name it. My brother and I even strung lights in our bedrooms. Again, this was a holiday full of warm, cozy, family memories. I love being with my family.

And this is why it's hard for me to understand why this is the busiest time of the year in child protection. Inevitably, we ALWAYS get kids right before Christmas. Last year we got my 10 year old on Thanksgiving, and I figured, wow, we got our Christmas Angel early. Then we got a 9 year old boy and his 10 month old sister at 3:00 in the morning on Christmas...we had three Angels last Christmas. We do what we can to make them feel comfortable and part of the family for the holidays, but really, the kids who've been with us a few months or longer are having a hard time being away from their families during the holidays...you can only imagine what it's like to be ripped from them ON the holiday!! Last year we were lucky because we had an extra bike from the giving trees, and were able to give it to the little boy from Santa. He was amazed and excited, and it helped him deal with his situation a little better. Not a lot, but even just a little works some times.

I can remember when Stacie was with us, the first two years were especially hard. She somehow got it in her mind, both years, that she'd be going home in time for Christmas. Of course she didn't because she was with us until she went to college. But the closer to the holiday it got during those two yeras, the more depressed she got. No matter what anyone said or did to help her realize she wasn't going home, she denied it. We were eventually allowed to have her mom come to our house, and started inviting her over for Christmas day. But even that isn't the same. It's not like having your whole family surround you and sharing in family traditions you've known since birth. Ironically though, Stacie now usually spends Christmas with us.

This time of year is supposed to be a time of peace and love. Unfortunately, for 100's to 1000's of kids in country this year it will be a time of loss and grief. It's already started...I have two new 5 year old girls from different families. They both came to me last week. One, thank goodness, gets to go home tomorrow. But the other will probably be with us quite a while. It's starting earlier this year. Last week we were called about 12 different children and were able to take two. That's a huge sudden influx of kids. That's a lot of family violence, neglect, abuse. If you're of the mind, please pray for all those children who may lose families this Christmas, and hope their loved ones get help before it's too late. Thank you for reading.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

No, Foster Care is Not an Ideal Way to Raise Kids

But it isn't All as Bad as Some May Think...

I decided I needed to write something about the terrible stigma of foster care today. I was just reading an ad about protecting your children if something should ever happen to you, and it kept saying do this or else your children will end up in FOSTER CARE as if they would be guaranteed to be abused and neglected there, instead of being cared for and kept safe until a family member was found to take your children. I also watch all those Law & Order shows, CSI shows, you know. Quite often the theme seems to be about the abuse children receive once they are in foster care. On one of the shows, one of the police detectives made a comment something like, "I'll go talk to my friend, a survivor of foster care."

I realize where the stigma came from. I know that in the past, way back in the past if you must know, the foster care system was horrendous. Kids were abused, worked to death, kept "only for the money" by some. But that was then. The foster care system has come a long way in the last 30 years! Homes are monitored and regulated, foster parents have extensive background checks, yearly. Training, up front and ongoing, is required. We go to conferences, support groups, meetings, many of us are involved in the training of new foster parents. We have mentoring systems, and constant contact with the department, counselors, PSR workers, schools, doctors, and the birth family. I'm not saying some bad seeds don't slip through the cracks, but the vast majority of foster parents are good people trying to do good things for other people in our communities.

I can say I know this first hand because not only do I have constant contact with other foster families through conferences, and because I am a foster parent trainer, but because I contact each foster family in my region every year. I spend time talking to them and learning about the things their foster children do, enjoy, and want to do. For people to know the things I ask means they spend quality time with their kids, and care about them. You see, my mom and I organize and run the giving trees every year at Christmas to help foster families get gifts for their kids. But we don't just arbitrarily ask for toys and games, we ask for specific items the kids need and want. To do that, I have to spend a lot of time on the phone with our families. You might be surprised at the time everyone involved takes to make sure all our kids have good Christmas's and enjoy their holidays as much as they can given the fact that they aren't allowed to be with their birth families.

See, another misconception some people have of foster families is that they want to keep all the kids they take in. Don't take that the wrong way, we do love our kids, and we do want to keep them safe and cared for. But we work with the department and with the birth families, because our primary goal is to reunify kids with their birth families. I have relationships with almost all of my kids' birth families, and if I don't, it's only because it wouldn't be safe. I mentor birth parents when needed, and I share their children's lives with them until the kids can go home. And this is true of nearly all our foster families. The training curriculum we use in Idaho, and that is actually used in a large number of states across the US, requires that all foster parents be open to working with the birth families. It trains new foster parents on how we try to reunify before any other option is considered. And because foster parents have to go through 27 hours of this training before being licensed, it weeds out most people who would not conform to this type of foster parenting.

There's more I could say, but this post is getting too long. I'd be happy to answer questions or have a conversation with anyone who wants to know more about what I do. My biggest need to write this post, though, was to get across the idea that while yes, foster care is not an ideal way to raise children, it isn't necessarily the worst either. Foster parents don't do it for the money, they don't enslave the children, they don't abuse and neglect. The people you hear about who are so evil are the exception, not the rule. And you'll find those same exceptions in every aspect of life where you find children...in schools, daycares, clubs, sports...deranged people find ways to get through the cracks everywhere. But you don't hate all teachers or coaches because of it do you? Have good thoughts about foster parents because you probably already know several, and they just don't advertise that that's what they do.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

"My Blankie is Crying Too!"

"I'm Sad At You"

It was a pretty typical morning at the Angel Retreat. We have at least four children in our home who were affected by drugs and alcohol exposure in the womb. (I say "at least" because there is one whom we don't have enough information about to know if she was exposed or not.) So on any given day, well, actually, every day, there are certain behaviours being displayed by at least one of these children. But sometimes, the things they say while having these behaviours are humorous, and I think being able to laugh at these things is what keeps us sane.

It makes me think of an episode we had with Annie earlier this year. Annie has a hard time with her closet. See, she and our 10-year-old share a room we originally had set up for 4 teenagers, and in this room we added on a fairly large walk-in closet. Sometimes I think the space is just too overwhelming for Annie. We keep hoping they'll place two more elementary age girls with us to share that room, but for now we have to live with Annie being lost in her closet. She used to be such a neat freak! Her room was always perfectly picked up, everything in its place, and she always made her bed. Now, she had trouble deciding what to wear in the morning, and so at least five items of clothing end up on the floor in her closet each day. And each afternoon, we have her go in and hang her clothes back up. So one day, I asked her to go put her clothes back on the hanger, and as happens spontaneously and unexpectedly several times a week, Annie went into a rage. For whatever reason, that day asking her to do something we ask her to do almost daily, triggered her tantrum mechanism. I walked away, as is usual. When she finally started to calm a little, 45 minutes later, I asked her to go hang her clothes up now. She stomped off, and I could hear her screaming and yelling at me in her closet from the living room. I continued to ignore. (Believe it or not, this is the best way to deal with her rage.) She came out 30 minutes later, stomping and full of attitude, and looked at me with pure hatred shooting from her eyes, and yelled, "I feel like a maid!" I have to say, it took everything I had not to burst out laughing right there. I calmly explained to her that a maid is someone who cleans up other people's stuff, not someone who cleans up their own stuff. She didn't get it, and went back to her room kicking and screaming.

So getting back to this morning. Will wanted to go play in the girls' room. Granny, being oh so practical, brought him back out explaining that the girls were getting dressed, so he couldn't be in there. Of course, this makes no sense to someone who doesn't understand hiding your naked body. He's 3...3-year-olds often parade around the house in nothing but socks. Right? Well, he does anyway. So he didn't care for Granny's actions. He screamed. What can I compare his screams to? Have you ever heard a rabbit or a guinea pig scream in fear? Think of the highest pitch you can still hear, turn the volume up to about 75, and consider how long it takes to get the air out of an inflatable floatation mattress. I may be exaggerating a little here, but don't kid yourself, I'm not exaggerating all that much. Granny tilts her head, gets that granny look on her face, and says in that soft, drawn out, "I love you, and want to slap you but am not going to because it's not the way we raise children anymore, so all I can do is say your name" voice, and says, "Willlllllllll..." As she turns to walk away, he throws his soccer ball at the back of her head. Don't worry, it was one of those soft squishy balls, so no concussion.

Now, I'm the only one who can see her face. If I was a kid, I'd be peeing my pants at that point seeing the color and set of her face. You should know, Will woke her up at 5:00 this morning and woke up the girls and wanted everyone to play. So she's already frazzled. I thought she was going to implode. She turned, and even he looked scared. (He usually thinks this is play time and laughs and runs.) She snatched him up, and before I could react, she strapped him in the booster chair from the table and pulled it to the middle of the kitchen and said, "You're in time out!" I thought that was pretty good self-control, considering her state of mind at that point...it was 7:30 am...

I had to leave for work. In my mind I said a prayer asking that God keep everyone safe today. As I was walking out the door, my mom was mumbling..."It's going to be a GREAT day!" Will was screaming..."I want my blankie...my blankie is sad...I'm crying...my blankie is crying too...I'm sad at you..." and so on.

That's right, at some point each morning, at least one of my lovable drug babies is in this state, and either my mom or I are nearing a breaking point...and it's those comments they wail at you that break your mood and make you laugh, even if they don't appreciate the humor. If they only knew...

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Guess What Day it is!!!!!!!

Day 42!

That's right, tomorrow we can breathe again. This is the last day Annie's birth mom has to appeal the termination of her rights, and so far, no word!! 7 hours and counting!! I think we made it this time, though I will knock on wood for saying that!

I know I promised a discussion on my relationships with Lainie and Annie, but I'm putting that off. I'll get back to it. I'm too excited about Annie. Now, if only I could get moving on Will's adoption. Have I told you much about him? See, he's not actually in foster care, his mom obtained custody back a little over a year ago, but he's still been living with us. She finally realized she doesn't make a good mom because it takes more than love to raise a child, especially a meth baby. So she has asked me to adopt him, since I am the mom who has raised him. This is great, but I'm having one problem. I'm not getting the state adoption assistance like I would if he were a foster child, and so far, I'm on hold because I can't afford the homestudy update. It costs just as much to update your homestudy as it does to get a new one. I don't have $500 to spare. I applied for a grant from the National Adoption Foundation, but have never heard back from them. I really don't know what to do, at this point, I may have to put off his adoption for quite a while. If you've ever considered donating to someone on their blog, I could really use your donation right now! That's right, I'm no longer above asking for a handout! I'd like to get all this done, make things legal and permanent quickly so everyone can get on with their lives. The legal fees aren't as big an obstacle, the lawyer doesn't ask for payment up front. But this $500 homestudy fee has to be paid before they'll do the homestudy.

I hate that I'm not wealthy. Just think of all the good I could do for kids if I had money. Of course, if I had money, I'd probably spend it all on the kids so fast, I wouldn't be wealthy anymore! :-)

Now that I've gloated, cried, and begged, I thought I'd vent. Why not be one of those obnoxious people nobody likes to be stuck sitting next to on the plane? What do I have to vent about? This blog. I wanted a new look, something nice. I found a template, changed up a few things, added all my junk, you know, moved in, and published it. Well, after hours of frustration, I finally got the main post column up BESIDE the side bar, but now, the comments are down below the sidebar, and I can't figure out how to bring those up. I've been playing with it all morning. And one nice blogger, Bozette, suggested I resize the pics to fit the bars. I appreciate the comment, but I don't know what that means. HELP! I admit, I'm new and uneducated in the blogging world. I'm learning HTML as I go, and it's mostly guesses with a lot of trial and error. My other problem with this new layout is that the nice people who created it, made the title in the header a link, so it has to be the same color as the rest of the links on the page. This sucks, because the color I want it to be doesn't work for the links on the rest of the page. I don't know how to fix that either. I wish I could just create my own layout, cuz I have a nice idea for a better header, but don't know how to do it.

OK, I feel a little better. Do you think my plea for money will work? I've noticed a lot of people ask for donations on their blogs...does anyone ever get anything? Is this parallel to sitting on a corner with my dog and a cardboard sign stating "Will Work for Food"?

Will Blog for Adoption Fees!

I'll talk to you again soon. Thanks for reading! I promise not to be so whiny next time.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

New Look!!

What Do You Think?

I worked quite a while trying to get this to look different. Please let me know if it looks good or not. I saved my other template so I can put it back at any time. I'm a little anxious about this. I do have plans for an even better header, but I like this for now.

Thank you! :-)

Happy Halloween!!

Let's Look a Little Deeper

Explore the Relationships Part 2

Allee

When Allee moved in, as I have said, we all thought she would one day go back to the family who'd committed to adopting her. In the mean time, she'd spent time with us in respite care, and we'd grown to love her in a different way. It was almost like it was safer because nobody had any expectations of it being a long term parent-child relationship. I had fun with Allee, playing games and joking around. I felt an instant bond with her. We talked about anything and everything. She was more like one of my friends than a child I should be raising. I don't know if any of you out there have ever felt this way about a child...teenager...of your own. But as time went on, it became obvious she was never going back to the adoptive family. Their relationship was becoming more volatile, not getting better...and how could it get better? They weren't even in the same state. She and I became closer and closer. She started doing better in school, and we began working on getting her caught up. (She was a year behind.) I felt like this was the relationship I'd always longed for with a daughter. What I began to realize was that I loved her so much it almost hurt. I didn't want her to have another family, I wanted to be her family. But knowing the plan, I never expressed this idea. Until one day, she said it. She asked me to adopt her. She didn't want to leave, she felt at home for the first time in her life. I can't even tell you how excited I was. I called the case manager, and found everyone was on board with this. We'd all seen a change in Allee. She was less deceptive, less manipulative, she was settling in, and doing well in school. She'd been in foster care for 10 years, and nobody had ever seen her doing this well. Just after her 17th birthday, I adopted her. We went through tough times, she resisted me, tested me, tried to get me to give up on her like everyone else had in her past. But I couldn't. I knew I could never let her go. There was something about her that I needed. Don't get me wrong, please. I didn't love her more than the others, I loved them all differently. I had just as strong a feeling of mother-daughter to Kneesaa, who I was also planning to adopt, it was just different. Allee was like an addiction. I needed to be her mother, and I needed her to want me to be her mother. And she was the same way. We needed each other. My relationship with her almost makes me shy off from new relationships with kids. You'll understand that more if you keep reading my story.

Allee is hard for me to talk about, so I'm done today. I'll come back tomorrow to talk about Lainie and Annie. Thanks for reading!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Let's Look a Little Deeper

Explore the Relationships... Part 1

So far I've mostly been telling you about who was in our house, and what we were doing, but not a lot about our relationships. At this point in the story, I had Kneesaa, Stacie, Allee, Lainie, and Annie...my girls. I haven't really given you a good picture of Kneesaa and Stacie, and there was a lot going on at this point that you should know about to understand my story better. So I'm going back to Fall 2002, and taking a deeper look at my relationships with each of my girls.

Kneesaa

This was the beginning of Kneesaa's junior year in high school, and when I looked at her and watched her, it amazed me at how much she had changed in only a year. She'd grown up a lot between 15 and 16. It also shocked me that it felt like she'd always been with me, instead of only having been with me for a year. In that year I had come to feel like she was part of me; I don't know that I could have felt any different if I had given birth to her 16 years earlier. We had all the makings of a mother-daughter relationship. She hated me a lot, she felt like I was too hard on her, too protective of her. And she loved me. When it counted, she showed it, and I never doubted it. We had our troubles. We went through counseling together. Of course, one of our biggest obstacles was her past, having been abused her whole life, she had no concept of what love should really look like. I could probably say that about most of my kids, especially the ones who came to me when they were older. I love Kneesaa dearly, but she never trusted that I loved her, and I think she still has trouble trusting that I love her. She was jealous of anyone else in my life. She competed with the other girls even when they didn't know she was doing it. She always needed to be seen as the good girl, the most loved. She never understood that I loved her no matter what, and that the other girls had nothing to do with our relationship. Even now, as an adult, a wife, and a mother, she competes with the other girls to be the favorite. I've given up trying to make her see I don't have a favorite, and I just let her believe she's it. If it helps her feel more secure about us, I'm OK with it.

Stacie

Stacie was a whole different story. In a lot of ways, we got each other, and in a lot of ways, we didn't. Our love for each other was more practical, a lot less mushy. She was more tomboyish than any other girl in the house. She hated lace, HATED pink, and if she had her way, every article of clothing she owned would be blue. Her only girlish obsession was butterflies. She didn't mess with her hair, didn't wear make-up, didn't wear dresses or skirts. I got this. I am not real girly either, though not quite to the same extent. And we shared the same taste in music...70's and 80's hard rock. She loved the classic metal bands, and the hair bands from the 80's. It was like the only thing we had in common some days. But it was enough. She hated me most of the time, but I understood that too. See, she had a bond with her birth mom, and they still spent a lot of time together. In Stacie's mind, loving me would have meant betraying her mom. This caused a lot of internal conflict for her. I tried to respect that, and not push myself on her. I wanted her to know I loved her, but that I didn't want to replace her mom, I just wanted to be there for her. Mostly I did this by respecting her space, remembering things that were important to her, buying her birthday and Christmas gifts that had meaning rather than being just things. I was subtle in letting her know I loved her. And she did the same. She remembered what I liked and what was important to me. She'd talk bad about me in her bedroom with the other girls, but secretly slip me home-made cards, or just little notes to let me know she cared. One time I was craving wedding cake...for weeks. You know, just one of those weird things. I came home one day, and she had made a small wedding cake just for me. Now, as an adult, Stacie has figured out how to love me and love her mom, and be OK with it. In fact, I think we have an even more loving relationship now, since she left the house, than we ever did when she was there.

This exploration is taking more time and space than I thought it would, so I think I'll post it in parts. Stay tuned for part 2!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.

Lainie Storms In

She's Not So Bad...

When Annie came home, and the two brothers left to live with a relative, she became quite close to Hank. She was teaching him so much, he was starting to talk, and he began walking. It's amazing what older siblings can do to help teach their younger brothers and sisters. Just playing with him, she gave him so much. And she loved playing with him! If you've never heard the sound of children laughing hysterically and spontaneously in your house, you're missing out!

Hank was making so much progress, and we were all becoming so attached to him. It looked like that case was headed to termination, and then we got that call. They'd been to court, and to every one's amazement, the judge was sending Hank home to his parents. I was devastated, I was losing another baby! I called the Regional Director at Health and Welfare and cried on her shoulder. I just didn't understand how they could send him home when the parents hadn't done anything to get him back! She had sympathy, but there was nothing she could do. In the end, all decisions are made by the judges, and this judge went against the recommendations of the department. She gave me the number of another foster parent who only took babies, so she had a lot of experience letting babies go, and might be able to help me. I never did call her, and maybe I should have, just to have that connection, that support. Instead, I internalized, and started developing my own way of getting through the letting go phase...ask for more kids!

So I got Lainie. She was 13, and a troubled girl. They told me I could expect trouble from her, and that she was a poor student, and that they hoped it would work out in our home, but nobody expected it to. Wow, what a way to meet someone, having all those preconceived notions...and this was the first of many who would come to me this way, with me expecting the worst. I don't know if that's good or bad.

When I was in college, one of my professors often quoted one study they'd done with teachers. They took a 40 kids who were all at the same level academically, and behaviorally, and split them in two groups. They told teacher A she was getting a class of high achievers, good kids. They told teacher B she was getting low achievers with behavior problems. Teacher A tried new teaching strategies, and challenging lessons in her class, and concentrated very little on classroom management, assuming she would have no problems anyway. Teacher B focused on classroom management and social skills and kept to the outlined curriculum for the class. In the end, teacher A's student excelled, and teacher B's students performed lower than normal. The point of this was that people perform to your expectations. So is this any way to bring a new child into your home? I don't have an answer. On the one hand, you do need to know their behavior history so you won't be blind-sided if they continue that behavior in your home. On the other hand, the kids do perform, quite often, to our expectations. Like with the twins...we didn't know they were still strictly on a bottle, we assumed at their age they'd be on solids and using a cup, so that's what we gave them, and they began to thrive.

Back to Lainie...we'd never been given a kid and told to expect trouble, so we treated her like any other kid in our home. All the same rules applied. She wasn't being watched closer than the others, she was expected to do her best in school, and she was expected to participate in the family. Her first week there, she told us she hated little kids, but she still played with Barbie dolls, and she had an excuse every night for not being able to help clean up the kitchen.

Well, we just let the "I hate little kids" thing drift off in the air with no response. It didn't take long before she was playing Barbies with Annie. In fact, she got quite close to Annie, and protective of her. With the cleaning thing, we let her get away with it the first night, but the second time she did it, I just kind of shrugged and said, "that's OK, the bathroom is close to the kitchen if you need to vomit. You were well enough to eat, so you should be well enough to put the dishes in the dish washer and wipe the counters." She tried a few more times with the same response, then gave up and did her job with no complaints.

Right after she'd moved in, we sat down and had a family meeting of sorts, and went over the house rules. The other girls helped, and so it was more of a discussion about expectations than anything. The girls actually did most of the talking. They were the ones who stressed to her that school was a big thing. They knew we expected them to try hard, do their best, and ask for help when they needed it, and if they didn't do those things and came home with bad grades, they lost privileges. One of those was the TV in their room that they all shared. So they were good at helping each other out during homework hour every day, and keeping their grades up to the best of their ability so they wouldn't lose their TV. (It only had an antennae on it, so it's not like they'd lose much, but it was important to them.) So what do you think Lainie did? She got straight A's. Everyone who'd known her before was shocked. We didn't even do anything, she was just naturally good in school, never asked for help, and did quite well. You know, two years later when she moved to an adoptive family, they asked her what made the change in her academics, and she told them it was simply that suddenly people believed in her.

After that, I became even more conscious of how we treated kids when they came, and tried to make sure we always kept our expectations high and positive rather than sitting around waiting for them to display whatever bad behavior we were told they'd have. Most of the time, this works.

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.