Who Came and Left During Annie's Time!
So I told you a brief telling of the first time we had Annie. But there were others during that time...well, one other. The last mention of the teenagers was when Emily left and Beth came in. Beth was a sweet, tuff girl. She was probably gang affiliated, but she wanted to be loved. We loved her. Not to say the other girls did. I think they felt threatened by Beth's tuff exterior. Here we had Kneesaa, who was sweet and squishy...girlie, and wanting to turn her life around. We had Stacie, who was tom-boyish, and quiet, and wanting to go home, and then we had Beth, who was tuff, and pretty, and tuff, and didn't want to go anywhere.
Beth doted over Annie. Called her her baby girl. It's funny to watch the kids when they come in and see who they bond with, attach too, or align with. She chose the 2 year old. But she also enjoyed the banter with my mom and I. She was just kind of fun to have around. It's too bad she and the other girls didn't hit it off. She got back at them for not liking her by stealing, and wearing, their underwear. Kind of odd, different, but funny too.
She only lived with us for a month. And after she left, we didn't have anyone come or go for two months. Then came Kilee. Kilee left a lasting impression on our lives, like a tattoo...sometimes it's fun to look at, sometimes you wish you could get it off. This girl had some serious mental issues, and nobody thought she'd stick around as long as she did. H&W figured she'd run from our house, then they could put her in detention. But she didn't run. In fact, she was the first kid to call me mom.
From day one she infiltrated our lives...wow, someone wants to call me mom. Up to then, the kids had all called me by my name. It felt different, nice. She was clingy. This was new too. And she asked for help with homework, advice on clothes, snuggled with us to watch movies. None of the teens to this point had gotten this close...in any sense. Of course, Kneesaa and Stacie, ever in competition for whatever they thought they were missing, began to get closer too. Kneesaa more than Stacie. Suddenly, we were having so much fun with these teens. I starting to think this was my calling. I became an advocate for teens in the foster care system, fighting for better programs for them, and educating other foster parents on the need for caring homes for them. Besides Annie, my world was high school, and make-up, and boys, and clothes.
Christmas was a blast. My first Christmas as a mom, and it was everything I wanted it to be. The kids embraced the traditions of my family, and we made some of our own. We went caroling in our neighborhood, we dressed up as angels and took a family Christmas picture for our greeting cards. It was truly magical.
Then, of course, in January Annie left. And right after that, Kilee became a different person. She suddenly hated us. She was mad all the time. Then we found out that she'd sent a letter to her judge telling a bunch of lies about us. She told him we made her eat moldy left-overs, and that we put pubic hair in her food. This was the part about foster care I hadn't been prepared for.
Kids who grow up in abusive or neglectful situations learn skills most of us don't have. They lose the ability to truly love anyone new in their life, and to survive without love, they learn to be the best liars and manipulators you've ever met. The good times with Kilee were all an act. She was pretending. And when she was tired of it, she tried to hurt us. And she really had no emotion about it at all. She just wanted to move on, and it didn't matter who she hurt in the process, because she didn't care about anyone. (Not even herself.) And so Kilee left.
But she left that lasting impression. I can look back to the fun we had and smile, and I can also look back to the hurt she caused and cry. When I hear her favorite song on the radio, I sing, snarl, my skin crawls, and my heart aches. Every time...to this day, that song turns me into a tied up mess of knots. It's because I loved her, and part of me still does. And I still advocate for teens in foster care!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Welcome to the World!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDON, IT'S SO GOOD TO FINALLY MEET YOU!
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OK, so this is working today, and now you can see my grandson. I think he's winking at the world to let them know he's alright and glad to be here!
It's nice to remember all the miracles that happen out there to remind you that things aren't so bad. We will get past the rough times, and be able to enjoy life. Children, no matter what grief they may be causing at any given time, are indeed miracles! Every one of them...though maybe some more than others. :-) "J/K, J/K" as one of my angels would say!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
So I Haven't Lost My Mind Afterall!
| How mentally ill are you Your normal and mentally fit Congratulations your probably the only one
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Back to Our Story
Enter: Annie
I just realized I moved away from my story just when one of the most important players was about to enter. Annie was my first adoptive placement. They called me in September and told me they had two girls, one was 6 months old, and the other was 2 years old, and both were headed for adoption. Was I interested? Of course. Admittedly, I was more interested in the younger girl, a baby! And I was sure I already knew the 2 year old. I took care of her over Easter weekend for the foster family that had her at that time. She was a hellian (sp?), and I knew she was possibly fetal alcohol affected. I wasn't sure I really wanted her. I was new to this, and her problems scared me.
Well, I was selected as a preadoptive parent...for the 2 year old. I was excited, and scared. Could I handle her problems? (Mind you, this is the child I spoke of yesterday who is making me tear my hair out right now.) I decided I could. In all honesty, I think my immediate motives were that I wanted a child of my own, and I was taking what I was offered. My view on things back then was much different than it is now. But I have to say, it was the best decision I ever made in my life, no matter what my reasons were at the time. Because now I love this child more than anything and would give my life for her. I wasn't lying when I told her I couldn't love her any more than I do now even if she were my natural child.
When they brought her to my home, she was tiny. She was actually 2 1/2 years old and wore clothes size 18-24 months. But she was very capable. She was also very smart...so smart that she had to see a speech therapist. I was told she had a speech problem that we would probably have to deal with for the rest of her life. What it turned out to be was English in Fast Forward. She was talking so fast nobody could understand her. When she was asked to slow down, she spoke beautifully. I was also told the last two foster families had tried to potty train her to no avail. She was potty trained for us in two weeks time. Within two months, she'd stopped biting, kicking, and pulling hair at daycare. It was like she was meant to be with us, and all the pieces were falling into place for her.
Then, when they started the process to terminate parental rights, everything fell apart for us again. Her bio-dad came out of the woodwork and wanted her. We'd had her 5 short months, and suddenly she was leaving. It was like my first loss all over again. Annie was supposed to be mine, live with me forever, be my daughter. And they took her away. The mood in our home changed. Here it was, mid-January, and the afterglow of the holidays was snuffed out. Now it was just cold, desolate winter. Very depressing for me.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
I just realized I moved away from my story just when one of the most important players was about to enter. Annie was my first adoptive placement. They called me in September and told me they had two girls, one was 6 months old, and the other was 2 years old, and both were headed for adoption. Was I interested? Of course. Admittedly, I was more interested in the younger girl, a baby! And I was sure I already knew the 2 year old. I took care of her over Easter weekend for the foster family that had her at that time. She was a hellian (sp?), and I knew she was possibly fetal alcohol affected. I wasn't sure I really wanted her. I was new to this, and her problems scared me.
Well, I was selected as a preadoptive parent...for the 2 year old. I was excited, and scared. Could I handle her problems? (Mind you, this is the child I spoke of yesterday who is making me tear my hair out right now.) I decided I could. In all honesty, I think my immediate motives were that I wanted a child of my own, and I was taking what I was offered. My view on things back then was much different than it is now. But I have to say, it was the best decision I ever made in my life, no matter what my reasons were at the time. Because now I love this child more than anything and would give my life for her. I wasn't lying when I told her I couldn't love her any more than I do now even if she were my natural child.
When they brought her to my home, she was tiny. She was actually 2 1/2 years old and wore clothes size 18-24 months. But she was very capable. She was also very smart...so smart that she had to see a speech therapist. I was told she had a speech problem that we would probably have to deal with for the rest of her life. What it turned out to be was English in Fast Forward. She was talking so fast nobody could understand her. When she was asked to slow down, she spoke beautifully. I was also told the last two foster families had tried to potty train her to no avail. She was potty trained for us in two weeks time. Within two months, she'd stopped biting, kicking, and pulling hair at daycare. It was like she was meant to be with us, and all the pieces were falling into place for her.
Then, when they started the process to terminate parental rights, everything fell apart for us again. Her bio-dad came out of the woodwork and wanted her. We'd had her 5 short months, and suddenly she was leaving. It was like my first loss all over again. Annie was supposed to be mine, live with me forever, be my daughter. And they took her away. The mood in our home changed. Here it was, mid-January, and the afterglow of the holidays was snuffed out. Now it was just cold, desolate winter. Very depressing for me.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Monday, September 25, 2006
It's Monday...Right?
It's Starting to be My Favorite Day!
I know, it sounds crazy, but the last few weekends have been endlessly horrific, and all I could think about the whole time was, is it Monday yet? Can I get out of this asylum and go back to work now? Then, to top it off, my Niners are NEVER going to come out of this funk. Or so it seems. That game was horrid. Every time I thought they were going to make a comeback, somebody would pinch me awake and we'd be out of it again. Oh, and then I go surfing on Blog Mad and hit a blog all about the Eagles.
But the game wasn't what made the weekend what it was. I am just so tired. These kids are all possessed by Satan. The Demon Seed is no longer inhabiting just one child at a time, but all at once. Annie is grounded, and instead of trying to make things better and get out of trouble, she just keeps digging herself in deeper. Then, yesterday, she tells me she just wants to be part of the family. Well, what do you say to that. I lost it. I wanted to tell her that anyone who didn't love her would never have kept her for the last 5 years and put up with her irrational and impulsive behavior, her rages, her tantrums! But I didn't. Not that I think I was much more eloquent than that, but at least I didn't tell her two other foster homes actually DID give her up because of her behavior. No, I just reminded her that I was adopting her because as far as I was concerned she was as much my natural daughter as anyone could be. Nothing would ever make me stop loving her. She was a part of this family the minute she walked through our door the very first time, and always would be. This is part of foster care and adoption...constant reasurance.
But right now, I think I'm the one who needs that reassurance. Well, I need the Demon Seed to reside in someone else's home at least for a while, anyway. Remind me why I do this? (I look at the pictures on my desk.) That's right, look at their sweet faces. (Try not to see the red glow in their eyes.) I can't share pictures with you...confidentiality and all. Maybe someday.
So tell me to keep my chin up. "Keep your eye on the prize," is what my English Educ. professor always told me. Look for the light at the end of the tunnel. All that stuff. TGIM!
Oh, here's something I can share...Kneesaa and baby are doing well.
Well, I was going to share a photo of my grandson, but for whatever reason, I can't get it to load right now. Maybe next time!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
I know, it sounds crazy, but the last few weekends have been endlessly horrific, and all I could think about the whole time was, is it Monday yet? Can I get out of this asylum and go back to work now? Then, to top it off, my Niners are NEVER going to come out of this funk. Or so it seems. That game was horrid. Every time I thought they were going to make a comeback, somebody would pinch me awake and we'd be out of it again. Oh, and then I go surfing on Blog Mad and hit a blog all about the Eagles.
But the game wasn't what made the weekend what it was. I am just so tired. These kids are all possessed by Satan. The Demon Seed is no longer inhabiting just one child at a time, but all at once. Annie is grounded, and instead of trying to make things better and get out of trouble, she just keeps digging herself in deeper. Then, yesterday, she tells me she just wants to be part of the family. Well, what do you say to that. I lost it. I wanted to tell her that anyone who didn't love her would never have kept her for the last 5 years and put up with her irrational and impulsive behavior, her rages, her tantrums! But I didn't. Not that I think I was much more eloquent than that, but at least I didn't tell her two other foster homes actually DID give her up because of her behavior. No, I just reminded her that I was adopting her because as far as I was concerned she was as much my natural daughter as anyone could be. Nothing would ever make me stop loving her. She was a part of this family the minute she walked through our door the very first time, and always would be. This is part of foster care and adoption...constant reasurance.
But right now, I think I'm the one who needs that reassurance. Well, I need the Demon Seed to reside in someone else's home at least for a while, anyway. Remind me why I do this? (I look at the pictures on my desk.) That's right, look at their sweet faces. (Try not to see the red glow in their eyes.) I can't share pictures with you...confidentiality and all. Maybe someday.
So tell me to keep my chin up. "Keep your eye on the prize," is what my English Educ. professor always told me. Look for the light at the end of the tunnel. All that stuff. TGIM!
Oh, here's something I can share...Kneesaa and baby are doing well.
Well, I was going to share a photo of my grandson, but for whatever reason, I can't get it to load right now. Maybe next time!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
My Artistry!
What do you think about my drawing....I guess right now I'm having some fun with this whole blogging thing. I hope you enjoy it too!
Here's Somthing Interesting...
Take a Peek at This!
I was clicking through postings at BlogMad and found this. What can it hurt...obviously if I'm willing to do foster care, I'm willing to try new things!
Try it!
I was clicking through postings at BlogMad and found this. What can it hurt...obviously if I'm willing to do foster care, I'm willing to try new things!
Try it!
I'm So Worried About Kneesaa
I'd Give Anything to Be Able to go Be With Her!
My baby is so depressed right now. Ten days ago, she had a baby boy, I told you about him. Well, he's still in the hospital. They still have him hooked up to a feeding tube. Everyone keeps telling me he's getting better and will be able to go home soon, but then I hear he'll be there a few more days.
In the mean time...Kneesaa is very depressed. Here she is, thousands of miles from all her friends and family, and none of us can afford to go be with her. Her baby was born early, and he's in a hospital 100 miles away from where she and her husband are living (with his mother). She can't hold him, and she's had trouble breast feeding him, and she's afraid to drive over there, so she can't take herself to the hospital to see him. Her mother-in-law called me yesterday. She said Kneesaa doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, just watches TV and cries. This is killing me. I'm her mom, and I can't be with her. She needs me. I feel like I'm failing her right now.
And the baby...I know I can't be everything to everyone, but I can't help but feel like he would get better if I were near, if I could support him and his mommy. I hate being broke all the time! I hate that Kneesaa lives so far away from us! I want my baby and grandbaby to come home!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
My baby is so depressed right now. Ten days ago, she had a baby boy, I told you about him. Well, he's still in the hospital. They still have him hooked up to a feeding tube. Everyone keeps telling me he's getting better and will be able to go home soon, but then I hear he'll be there a few more days.
In the mean time...Kneesaa is very depressed. Here she is, thousands of miles from all her friends and family, and none of us can afford to go be with her. Her baby was born early, and he's in a hospital 100 miles away from where she and her husband are living (with his mother). She can't hold him, and she's had trouble breast feeding him, and she's afraid to drive over there, so she can't take herself to the hospital to see him. Her mother-in-law called me yesterday. She said Kneesaa doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, just watches TV and cries. This is killing me. I'm her mom, and I can't be with her. She needs me. I feel like I'm failing her right now.
And the baby...I know I can't be everything to everyone, but I can't help but feel like he would get better if I were near, if I could support him and his mommy. I hate being broke all the time! I hate that Kneesaa lives so far away from us! I want my baby and grandbaby to come home!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Now, Where Were We?
That's Right, Teenagers...
So there I was, caring for two teenage girls who were a born when I was 15 and 16 years old. All I could think was, when I was 15 and 16, I definitely did NOT want kids. In fact, at that time I was torturing my mom by telling her I would never give her grandchildren. I wasn't actually trying to be cruel, I just didn't think I would ever want them.
I digress...ok, here we were, and I had to get them registered for High School. Wow, I went from changing diapers to registering kids in high school in 6 short months. I wasn't quite ready for that. I didn't even know these girls very well yet, let alone how to interact with their species. (Yes, I've determined that teenagerdom is a seperate species which most of us, though not all of us, evolve from.) Then, just a day before I was set to go on my annual trip to Reno with my best friend Angel, we got a call, they needed us to take another 14 year old girl. Good grief!
Of course we took her. I introduced myself, and left my mom to get her settled. It's not that I didn't want to get to know her before I left, but she came late at night, and we flew out the next day.
Angel and I had a great time in Reno. We won enough money on slots to have a pamper day...we both got perms. Then we returned home. My new teen, I'll call her Stacie, was not quite like the others. She wasn't girlie. In fact, I think most of her clothes were boys clothes. She was also very quiet, and stayed that way. I really didn't know how to talk to her. (I begged God for help at this point!)
But in the true nature of the ups and downs of foster care, Stacie barley had time to get to know everyone when Emily was moved to a relative in another town. And later that afternoon, another 13 year old girl came, we'll call her Beth. We hardly had time to catch our breath! We had two of the girls living in one bedroom, and Stacie had her own big bedroom, and we were all strangers.
Then, God answered my prayer, we got some training. The department sent us a letter telling us there was a training round starting in September. We signed up, desparate for information and resources. By this time, we felt like we were entertainment counselors on a deserted island where abused teen girls kept washing up on shore. I was beginning to wonder where all the other foster parents were out there. So we went to the training. It was good in that we got some information about resources for the kids, and we met some other foster parents (who were also relatively new) and I finally got to meet face to face with some of the social workers I'd only spoken with over the phone. But something we noticed pretty quickly was that not all foster parents across the state were getting the same training. Each region of the state was responsible for developing their own training curriculum. Unfortunately for us, that might mean we got only region specific information, or we might have missed some information that is given in other regions. So if you moved from one region to another, you might have to take the training all over because it was different. Why does this matter? Well, because if I were to move 15 miles away to the next town, I'd be in a different region. The community I live in incudes about 10 towns, 2 counties, and 2 seperate regions, all very close knit.
Six years ago, foster parent training and networking were in the dark ages. It was like cave times. Who knew if the world was flat or round because we didn't know others existed (other foster parents that is). I have to say, in the time I've been in this, it's changed a lot. Most states now prescribe to a foster and adoptive parent training curriculum called PRIDE. Also, most states now have a yearly foster parent training conference. In Idaho, it's split in three sessions and held in southern, central, and northern parts of the state. Much of our training is coordinated through the Idaho Child Welfare Training Center.
When I think back to that first summer/fall that I was doing foster care, and how little I knew, and how few people in the foster care community I knew, I can't believe we stuck with it! Now, I know a large number of the foster parents in the area, and even from across the state from attending trainings, and conferences. This is definitely not something you can do well if you are not getting involved!!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
So there I was, caring for two teenage girls who were a born when I was 15 and 16 years old. All I could think was, when I was 15 and 16, I definitely did NOT want kids. In fact, at that time I was torturing my mom by telling her I would never give her grandchildren. I wasn't actually trying to be cruel, I just didn't think I would ever want them.
I digress...ok, here we were, and I had to get them registered for High School. Wow, I went from changing diapers to registering kids in high school in 6 short months. I wasn't quite ready for that. I didn't even know these girls very well yet, let alone how to interact with their species. (Yes, I've determined that teenagerdom is a seperate species which most of us, though not all of us, evolve from.) Then, just a day before I was set to go on my annual trip to Reno with my best friend Angel, we got a call, they needed us to take another 14 year old girl. Good grief!
Of course we took her. I introduced myself, and left my mom to get her settled. It's not that I didn't want to get to know her before I left, but she came late at night, and we flew out the next day.
Angel and I had a great time in Reno. We won enough money on slots to have a pamper day...we both got perms. Then we returned home. My new teen, I'll call her Stacie, was not quite like the others. She wasn't girlie. In fact, I think most of her clothes were boys clothes. She was also very quiet, and stayed that way. I really didn't know how to talk to her. (I begged God for help at this point!)
But in the true nature of the ups and downs of foster care, Stacie barley had time to get to know everyone when Emily was moved to a relative in another town. And later that afternoon, another 13 year old girl came, we'll call her Beth. We hardly had time to catch our breath! We had two of the girls living in one bedroom, and Stacie had her own big bedroom, and we were all strangers.
Then, God answered my prayer, we got some training. The department sent us a letter telling us there was a training round starting in September. We signed up, desparate for information and resources. By this time, we felt like we were entertainment counselors on a deserted island where abused teen girls kept washing up on shore. I was beginning to wonder where all the other foster parents were out there. So we went to the training. It was good in that we got some information about resources for the kids, and we met some other foster parents (who were also relatively new) and I finally got to meet face to face with some of the social workers I'd only spoken with over the phone. But something we noticed pretty quickly was that not all foster parents across the state were getting the same training. Each region of the state was responsible for developing their own training curriculum. Unfortunately for us, that might mean we got only region specific information, or we might have missed some information that is given in other regions. So if you moved from one region to another, you might have to take the training all over because it was different. Why does this matter? Well, because if I were to move 15 miles away to the next town, I'd be in a different region. The community I live in incudes about 10 towns, 2 counties, and 2 seperate regions, all very close knit.
Six years ago, foster parent training and networking were in the dark ages. It was like cave times. Who knew if the world was flat or round because we didn't know others existed (other foster parents that is). I have to say, in the time I've been in this, it's changed a lot. Most states now prescribe to a foster and adoptive parent training curriculum called PRIDE. Also, most states now have a yearly foster parent training conference. In Idaho, it's split in three sessions and held in southern, central, and northern parts of the state. Much of our training is coordinated through the Idaho Child Welfare Training Center.
When I think back to that first summer/fall that I was doing foster care, and how little I knew, and how few people in the foster care community I knew, I can't believe we stuck with it! Now, I know a large number of the foster parents in the area, and even from across the state from attending trainings, and conferences. This is definitely not something you can do well if you are not getting involved!!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I Didn't Realize I'd Posted
But While I'm Here...
Let's talk a little about what happens when you decide to adopt a child from foster care. First of all, this is not the way to go if you are wanting a baby. I really got lucky that I've managed to get two babies to raise from birth (or near birth), but that is not how it usually goes. Expect a child five or older.
What are special needs? Well, they range from a child older than 5 to a child with severe physical or mental incapabilities. Pretty much any child from foster care is considered a special needs child. From my experience, all the kids have one or more of the following going against them:
fetal alcohol exposure
fetal drug exposure
neglect
physical abuse
abandonment
sexual abuse
cognitive delays
malnutrition
mental abuse
parentification
emotional detachment
This is only a short list of what might be going on. And the best thing you can do with any of them is find a support group. The next thing is to become an expert on whatever ails them. The thing is, all these problems present themselves in behaviorally. Young children don't know how to express what is wrong, therefore act out. As kids with these afflictions age, especially the longer they stay in this situation, they don't learn how to manage the physical and emotional feelings they have, they become more detatched and less trusting.
Let's take Annie, for example. She's 7, and came to live with me when she was 2. We don't really know what she may have been exposed to in the womb, and we do know that she was exposed to severe trauma as an infant. She came into care at the age of 1 1/2, and lived in two other foster homes before I got her. After I got her, when we first started the process of terminating parental rights, she was suddenly taken to live with her long lost father. She came back 8 months later. She's been with me ever since.
Now, she's always had problems with impulse control, and she goes into rages, or temper tantrums, that can last upwards of 2 hours and include screaming, yelling, biting, hitting, kicking, punching, and throwing things. They never include tears. At almost 8 years old, these are still going on. There is some evidence from her different behaviors that she was exposed to alcohol in the womb though she does not have full fledged fetal alcohol syndrome.
We have worked diligently with Annie, and her counselor, and a string of PSR (psycho-social rehabilitator) workers, and we've seen improvement. Of course, we constantly have set backs, every time we think we've made some real progress we see ourselves falling back sometimes months, sometimes longer. But slowly we feel she is finding more and more ways to control herself.
So last week we got the news that we could finally move forward to finalize the adoption. She is so excited. And yet...she is doing the things we expect from kids who have been moved around much more than she has. She is testing our love for her. And it's getting bad. Every time I turn around she's hurting someone, or lying about something, or defacing something. She failed her spelling test...and she's always at the top of her class, very competitive. This is the part that makes you want to tear your hair out. This probably contributes to the overwhelming anxiety I mentioned earlier. This is what I've gone through with 3 other girls in my life. This is the part about foster care adoption you have to live through to get to you goal in the end.
Are you strong enough for it?
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Let's talk a little about what happens when you decide to adopt a child from foster care. First of all, this is not the way to go if you are wanting a baby. I really got lucky that I've managed to get two babies to raise from birth (or near birth), but that is not how it usually goes. Expect a child five or older.
What are special needs? Well, they range from a child older than 5 to a child with severe physical or mental incapabilities. Pretty much any child from foster care is considered a special needs child. From my experience, all the kids have one or more of the following going against them:
fetal alcohol exposure
fetal drug exposure
neglect
physical abuse
abandonment
sexual abuse
cognitive delays
malnutrition
mental abuse
parentification
emotional detachment
This is only a short list of what might be going on. And the best thing you can do with any of them is find a support group. The next thing is to become an expert on whatever ails them. The thing is, all these problems present themselves in behaviorally. Young children don't know how to express what is wrong, therefore act out. As kids with these afflictions age, especially the longer they stay in this situation, they don't learn how to manage the physical and emotional feelings they have, they become more detatched and less trusting.
Let's take Annie, for example. She's 7, and came to live with me when she was 2. We don't really know what she may have been exposed to in the womb, and we do know that she was exposed to severe trauma as an infant. She came into care at the age of 1 1/2, and lived in two other foster homes before I got her. After I got her, when we first started the process of terminating parental rights, she was suddenly taken to live with her long lost father. She came back 8 months later. She's been with me ever since.
Now, she's always had problems with impulse control, and she goes into rages, or temper tantrums, that can last upwards of 2 hours and include screaming, yelling, biting, hitting, kicking, punching, and throwing things. They never include tears. At almost 8 years old, these are still going on. There is some evidence from her different behaviors that she was exposed to alcohol in the womb though she does not have full fledged fetal alcohol syndrome.
We have worked diligently with Annie, and her counselor, and a string of PSR (psycho-social rehabilitator) workers, and we've seen improvement. Of course, we constantly have set backs, every time we think we've made some real progress we see ourselves falling back sometimes months, sometimes longer. But slowly we feel she is finding more and more ways to control herself.
So last week we got the news that we could finally move forward to finalize the adoption. She is so excited. And yet...she is doing the things we expect from kids who have been moved around much more than she has. She is testing our love for her. And it's getting bad. Every time I turn around she's hurting someone, or lying about something, or defacing something. She failed her spelling test...and she's always at the top of her class, very competitive. This is the part that makes you want to tear your hair out. This probably contributes to the overwhelming anxiety I mentioned earlier. This is what I've gone through with 3 other girls in my life. This is the part about foster care adoption you have to live through to get to you goal in the end.
Are you strong enough for it?
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
What's Going on Today
Some Days You Wonder Why You're Doing It!
I'm going to take a break from the story of how we got where we are. Today is really hard for me, and when I start to tell you why, you're going to say, "you should be jumping for joy, not complaining!" A lot has been happening around my house the last few weeks, and I think I lost who I was this weekend. This happens sometimes in foster care because every day is high energy and chaos, there is very rarely a break unless you physically leave to take a break.
But most of what's been happening has been good, just very overwhelming. Right now there are five kids in my home. I have a teenage girl who will be aging out of care in 4 months, and she won't be staying with us after that. Many times when a kid ages out, they stay to finish school, or until college starts, or until they can get into their own place...whatever the plans are. But this one won't be staying, and I feel very conflicted about it, because it's the first time I've wanted one to leave right away. I've had trouble with some of the teens when they turn 18 and want to be adults and have no restrictions anymore, but most still recognize that they have something in our family as far as support and love. They hang out until we can help them move on in a more natural progressive way rather than running out as soon as they are emancipated. I don't want this one to stay, and she doesn't want to stay, and I know I'll be relieved when she leaves, and I feel guilty about it. She causes all kinds of trouble in our house with all the kids, she is openly defiant, and I'm exhausted. I'm afraid I'm burned out on this kind of behavior, and my patience has worn thin, and I can't do it with her. She's different from the others too because in her there is no sign that she cares at all. They all resist love and concern, but in their own ways they still accept it at some point and reciprocate in some way. This is not the case with her, and I'm tired of trying to get her to accept our love. She is the first kid I can say I think truly has no desire for it and no matter what I do she won't accept it. After two years with her, I have to let her go, and I feel bad because I'm at a point where I'm anxious to do so. God, please forgive me!
But then there is a plethora of good news! I have two elementary aged girls, and two toddler boys. When this teen leaves, I get to go back to a teenless home for a few years. I am excited about this! I think I need this change. But there's more. I'll start with the youngest. Andrew (this is not his real name, but will be some day) is almost two years old. He's lived with us for over a year now, and he is so cute! I've loved having him, teaching him, and growing a bond with him. I am going to adopt him, and we knew from the beginning that this was the most likely way this would go, but now the wheels of adoption have begun to move, and it's real.
The next youngest, Will, is not in foster care. He was. I got him when he was two days old, and was his foster parent until his second birthday when his mom got custody of him. But since then, he's lived with us almost full time. She has struggled, and tried very hard, but nearly a month ago, just before his third birthday, she gave up. She didn't want to, but she realized she couldn't be the mom he needs, and asked me to adopt him. So now those wheels are moving too. (That makes 2 adoptions in the works.)
The next is Annie, who is 7 years old. Again, this is not her legal name, but it will be. She came to me 5 years ago as an adoptive placement. But the courts have moved very slow in her case. Over 1 1/2 years ago, the judge finally ruled to terminate parental rights. Then her birth mom appealed the ruling. Last week we finally got that ruling back in our favor. So now we start the wheels turning on this adoption (five years later). This makes 3 adoptions in the works. (Holy Cow!)
The next girl, who we will call Alison, is older than Annie. She's been with us for 10 months. It looks like she may not be going home at all, but right now, everything is unsure in her case. So she lives with us, is part of our family, but is starting to have issues at being the only one not being adopted. We try to be very sensitive with her and make sure she knows she is still an equal member of our family, but there's still that underlying excitement with everyone else that can't be helped.
So besides the teen, where's my anxiety, you ask? I don't want to feel this way. I want to be on a cloud. But I never thought Will would ever be mine legally in every way, and I was beginning to think we'd never get to Annie's adoption. And now, they are both happening at once, and at the same time as Andrew's adoption, and my mind is going to explode. I can't breathe. I don't know which way I'm going half the time. And Annie is doing what most older kids who are being adopted do, she's testing my every limit. She wants to make sure I'm never giving her up. She's making my hair fall out. At this point, I think we'd all be better off if I could take a few days, alone, to relax, think, gather myself, and get control of my emotions so I do know which way I'm going. This is everything I wanted, but now that I'm getting it all at once, I don't know how to handle it.
I know, I know, poor me. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier about all this. And I know in the end, I'll survive, and we'll be one big happy family for it. I've never had this much good happen to me all at once. It is overwhelming!
I Love My Life!!!!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
I'm going to take a break from the story of how we got where we are. Today is really hard for me, and when I start to tell you why, you're going to say, "you should be jumping for joy, not complaining!" A lot has been happening around my house the last few weeks, and I think I lost who I was this weekend. This happens sometimes in foster care because every day is high energy and chaos, there is very rarely a break unless you physically leave to take a break.
But most of what's been happening has been good, just very overwhelming. Right now there are five kids in my home. I have a teenage girl who will be aging out of care in 4 months, and she won't be staying with us after that. Many times when a kid ages out, they stay to finish school, or until college starts, or until they can get into their own place...whatever the plans are. But this one won't be staying, and I feel very conflicted about it, because it's the first time I've wanted one to leave right away. I've had trouble with some of the teens when they turn 18 and want to be adults and have no restrictions anymore, but most still recognize that they have something in our family as far as support and love. They hang out until we can help them move on in a more natural progressive way rather than running out as soon as they are emancipated. I don't want this one to stay, and she doesn't want to stay, and I know I'll be relieved when she leaves, and I feel guilty about it. She causes all kinds of trouble in our house with all the kids, she is openly defiant, and I'm exhausted. I'm afraid I'm burned out on this kind of behavior, and my patience has worn thin, and I can't do it with her. She's different from the others too because in her there is no sign that she cares at all. They all resist love and concern, but in their own ways they still accept it at some point and reciprocate in some way. This is not the case with her, and I'm tired of trying to get her to accept our love. She is the first kid I can say I think truly has no desire for it and no matter what I do she won't accept it. After two years with her, I have to let her go, and I feel bad because I'm at a point where I'm anxious to do so. God, please forgive me!
But then there is a plethora of good news! I have two elementary aged girls, and two toddler boys. When this teen leaves, I get to go back to a teenless home for a few years. I am excited about this! I think I need this change. But there's more. I'll start with the youngest. Andrew (this is not his real name, but will be some day) is almost two years old. He's lived with us for over a year now, and he is so cute! I've loved having him, teaching him, and growing a bond with him. I am going to adopt him, and we knew from the beginning that this was the most likely way this would go, but now the wheels of adoption have begun to move, and it's real.
The next youngest, Will, is not in foster care. He was. I got him when he was two days old, and was his foster parent until his second birthday when his mom got custody of him. But since then, he's lived with us almost full time. She has struggled, and tried very hard, but nearly a month ago, just before his third birthday, she gave up. She didn't want to, but she realized she couldn't be the mom he needs, and asked me to adopt him. So now those wheels are moving too. (That makes 2 adoptions in the works.)
The next is Annie, who is 7 years old. Again, this is not her legal name, but it will be. She came to me 5 years ago as an adoptive placement. But the courts have moved very slow in her case. Over 1 1/2 years ago, the judge finally ruled to terminate parental rights. Then her birth mom appealed the ruling. Last week we finally got that ruling back in our favor. So now we start the wheels turning on this adoption (five years later). This makes 3 adoptions in the works. (Holy Cow!)
The next girl, who we will call Alison, is older than Annie. She's been with us for 10 months. It looks like she may not be going home at all, but right now, everything is unsure in her case. So she lives with us, is part of our family, but is starting to have issues at being the only one not being adopted. We try to be very sensitive with her and make sure she knows she is still an equal member of our family, but there's still that underlying excitement with everyone else that can't be helped.
So besides the teen, where's my anxiety, you ask? I don't want to feel this way. I want to be on a cloud. But I never thought Will would ever be mine legally in every way, and I was beginning to think we'd never get to Annie's adoption. And now, they are both happening at once, and at the same time as Andrew's adoption, and my mind is going to explode. I can't breathe. I don't know which way I'm going half the time. And Annie is doing what most older kids who are being adopted do, she's testing my every limit. She wants to make sure I'm never giving her up. She's making my hair fall out. At this point, I think we'd all be better off if I could take a few days, alone, to relax, think, gather myself, and get control of my emotions so I do know which way I'm going. This is everything I wanted, but now that I'm getting it all at once, I don't know how to handle it.
I know, I know, poor me. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier about all this. And I know in the end, I'll survive, and we'll be one big happy family for it. I've never had this much good happen to me all at once. It is overwhelming!
I Love My Life!!!!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Summer of No Return Part 2
Teenagers?
One Saturday afternoon, late in the summer, we got a call from the intake worker at Health and Welfare. They had a teenage girl who needed a place to stay, temporarily, until a few things were worked out and she either went home or to her sister. I was actually scared. Babies were a good starting place, and the elementary aged boys had been a challenge. But teenagers?
"Is she trouble?" I asked.
"She seems very sweet, actually," the worker said. "It'll probably just be the weekend anyway."
"OK," I said.
They got to our house about an hour later. My mom, Joe and I were planning to go do some shopping, our house was still relatively new, and we were working on the front landscaping that day, and we were waiting for our new teenage girl to arrive before we left. When I opened the door, nervous, I found a small, withdrawn, blond haired girl. She was more nervous than I and didn't talk much at first. Her name was Kneesaa (pronounce knee - suh), and she was 15 years old.
It didn't take her long to start talking. She was full of nervous energy, and had been through a lot that week. I think she was relieved to be in a safe place, and the more she relaxed, the more she talked. It turned out she was quite a talker afterall...she even talks in her sleep! :-) We took her shopping for clothes and essentials, and took her to a movie, Angel Eyes. She fell in love with Joe, and he with her. By the end of the weekend, it was like she'd always been with us.
She didn't go anywhere the next week, or the week after that. (In fact, she never went anywhere, as you'll see if you keep reading.) But, just two weeks after she came to us, we lost Joe. My mom was on another trip, I believe to visit my brother, and I got a call from Joe's case manager that he'd be going to live with his great-grandmother while he awaited a move to an adoptive family in another state. I had to pack him up that night, and take all his stuff to the daycare with him the next morning. They'd be picking him up there. Kneesaa cried with me as we got all him belongings together that night. My best friend and hugest support, Angel, came over and we took Joe out to spoil him before he left.
Joe had been with us 5 months. He was my first baby, and I hated the way this was happening. Nothing about it seemed right. I kept thinking, how can it be better for him to live with an elderly couple than with a young mother? I understood that he would one day go to the adoptive family as they were related to him. But I didn't understand why I couldn't take care of him until that time came. And I always wondered what he thought when I dropped him off at daycare, then someone else came to get him, and he never saw me again.
I didn't have too much time to grieve. I got another call two days later. This time it was a boy. A 14 year old boy. I was wondering why I suddenly had no babies and was getting calls only for boys. This was crazy. What was I going to do with a teenage boy? But I took him. I'll call him Mac. Mac was crazy! And wonderful, and fun. He laughed all the time, and he never complained about helping me cut down the forest of weeds on our oversized side yard so we could put in grass. He and Kneesaa got along well. They liked having each other's company. Then, I got a call in the middle of the night, and they had a 14 year old girl for me. I took her too. We'll call her Emily.
I loved my new group of kids, they were fun, but I was somewhat sad that I didn't have babies anymore. Then, the day before my mom came home, something happened to Mac at his family visit, and they had to move him temporarily into a mental facility. Mac never came back to live with us. I only had him a few days, but he forged a permanent place in my heart! Since then, he has spent a lot of time with my family, had his picture on our wall, and will forever be one of my kids.
Summer ended. I found myself caring for two teenage girls, and little did I know what was in store, but I never did return to a home full of babies!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
One Saturday afternoon, late in the summer, we got a call from the intake worker at Health and Welfare. They had a teenage girl who needed a place to stay, temporarily, until a few things were worked out and she either went home or to her sister. I was actually scared. Babies were a good starting place, and the elementary aged boys had been a challenge. But teenagers?
"Is she trouble?" I asked.
"She seems very sweet, actually," the worker said. "It'll probably just be the weekend anyway."
"OK," I said.
They got to our house about an hour later. My mom, Joe and I were planning to go do some shopping, our house was still relatively new, and we were working on the front landscaping that day, and we were waiting for our new teenage girl to arrive before we left. When I opened the door, nervous, I found a small, withdrawn, blond haired girl. She was more nervous than I and didn't talk much at first. Her name was Kneesaa (pronounce knee - suh), and she was 15 years old.
It didn't take her long to start talking. She was full of nervous energy, and had been through a lot that week. I think she was relieved to be in a safe place, and the more she relaxed, the more she talked. It turned out she was quite a talker afterall...she even talks in her sleep! :-) We took her shopping for clothes and essentials, and took her to a movie, Angel Eyes. She fell in love with Joe, and he with her. By the end of the weekend, it was like she'd always been with us.
She didn't go anywhere the next week, or the week after that. (In fact, she never went anywhere, as you'll see if you keep reading.) But, just two weeks after she came to us, we lost Joe. My mom was on another trip, I believe to visit my brother, and I got a call from Joe's case manager that he'd be going to live with his great-grandmother while he awaited a move to an adoptive family in another state. I had to pack him up that night, and take all his stuff to the daycare with him the next morning. They'd be picking him up there. Kneesaa cried with me as we got all him belongings together that night. My best friend and hugest support, Angel, came over and we took Joe out to spoil him before he left.
Joe had been with us 5 months. He was my first baby, and I hated the way this was happening. Nothing about it seemed right. I kept thinking, how can it be better for him to live with an elderly couple than with a young mother? I understood that he would one day go to the adoptive family as they were related to him. But I didn't understand why I couldn't take care of him until that time came. And I always wondered what he thought when I dropped him off at daycare, then someone else came to get him, and he never saw me again.
I didn't have too much time to grieve. I got another call two days later. This time it was a boy. A 14 year old boy. I was wondering why I suddenly had no babies and was getting calls only for boys. This was crazy. What was I going to do with a teenage boy? But I took him. I'll call him Mac. Mac was crazy! And wonderful, and fun. He laughed all the time, and he never complained about helping me cut down the forest of weeds on our oversized side yard so we could put in grass. He and Kneesaa got along well. They liked having each other's company. Then, I got a call in the middle of the night, and they had a 14 year old girl for me. I took her too. We'll call her Emily.
I loved my new group of kids, they were fun, but I was somewhat sad that I didn't have babies anymore. Then, the day before my mom came home, something happened to Mac at his family visit, and they had to move him temporarily into a mental facility. Mac never came back to live with us. I only had him a few days, but he forged a permanent place in my heart! Since then, he has spent a lot of time with my family, had his picture on our wall, and will forever be one of my kids.
Summer ended. I found myself caring for two teenage girls, and little did I know what was in store, but I never did return to a home full of babies!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Summer of No Return Part 1
How to be a Hero!
After the twins left, my mom took a vacation and spent a month traveling with her mom in Montana and Oklahoma. During this time, I got two more boys in care, who we will call Tim and Carl. These boys were older, 6 and 9, and I'm not sure I was prepared for that. The babies were easy to get used to, they were babies. These were older brothers who already had a lifetime of experience to make them who they were. They had developed a sibling relationship, and I was an intruder in their life.
I had to put them in daycare during the day because my mom was not there to watch them. They enjoyed that because they got to go on field trips, and be with a lot of other kids their own age. We'd get home after work, and I didn't know what to do with them. You have to remember, I'd never raised any kids before, and had no experience with the day to day of school age children. And these boys fought all the time. They fought over everything: the front seat in the car, who's baseball cap was who's, what to watch on tv, who touched who first...normal sibling stuff, but it was new to me as a parent. I was overwhelmed. I have siblings and while we were growing up we could fight with the best of them, but I never had to mediate or parent this behavior. And I didn't have the luxury of working up to this with them because they had not grown up in my home. I had Joe, who was in a routine, and he and I got along wonderfully. But Tim and Carl were a real challenge to me. I wanted my mommy!!!
Carl, the younger brother, once asked me why they were in foster care, and why they couldn't go home. Nobody had ever taught me how to deal with this emotion. (Still no training.) I didn't really know what to say to him because the reasons he and his brother were in care were vague. I tried to make it easy for him, I told him his parents had to work some things out, and until they did, they were having trouble being able to take care of him, so he was with me. He didn't really understand what I was saying to him. Honestly, I didn't know how to talk to a 6 year old, so poor Carl was stuck with a woman who couldn't seem to come down from a level of college academia! On top of that, he would tell me things his step-father had done to scare him, and I was appalled, didn't know how to react. I hadn't been told yet that I simply shouldn't react because I didn't want to make him feel bad about where he'd come from. Here we were, a woman with the wrong vocabulary, and a boy with life experience that far exceeded what any of us should ever experience.
One of my other challenges was needing to make meals every night. I have never proclaimed to be a cook, nor have I ever had the desire. And what kind of meals do young boys like anyway? Joe was easy, he was a baby. I was easy, I didn't always eat much at dinner. So I took Tim and Carl shopping for food. What I discovered was that they liked Hamburger Helper, Macaroni and Cheese, and other easy stuff like that. Kid food. I made a box of Hamburger Helper Lasagne one night, and Tim proclaimed that it was the best dinner he'd ever had. And he liked it even better the next night as leftovers. I was a hero.
I learned from these two guys that it doesn't take much to be a hero in a kid's eyes. I didn't do much more than give them a clean place to live with food on the table, and care about them. They didn't gush over me, but they felt comfortable and safe, and that's how I knew I'd done my job.
Tim and Carl only stayed with me for a month. In fact, the day mom came home was the day they left. She'd brought them some little drums and wooden flutes from her trip, and was able to give these gifts to the boys before they left. She was a hero. They loved the instruments, and they loved this woman they'd never met before for thinking of them.
She took a picture of them sitting on our front walk making music, and so started our picture wall. The picture was so telling that she also found one of Joe from when he first came, and she made 5x7's of each picture, framed them, and hung them in the hall. Since then, every child who has been with us for a month or more has had their picture hung in our hall. When Tim and Carl brought their mom over to meet us several months later, Granny (the name the kids had started calling my mom) showed them their picture, and they were proud to have it there. They are forever part of our hearts and home!
And again, we were down to just the two of us and little Joe. This second loss was just as hard for me emotional, but a bit smoother. I at least knew to expect it this time, and it was great when the boys came back to see me.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
After the twins left, my mom took a vacation and spent a month traveling with her mom in Montana and Oklahoma. During this time, I got two more boys in care, who we will call Tim and Carl. These boys were older, 6 and 9, and I'm not sure I was prepared for that. The babies were easy to get used to, they were babies. These were older brothers who already had a lifetime of experience to make them who they were. They had developed a sibling relationship, and I was an intruder in their life.
I had to put them in daycare during the day because my mom was not there to watch them. They enjoyed that because they got to go on field trips, and be with a lot of other kids their own age. We'd get home after work, and I didn't know what to do with them. You have to remember, I'd never raised any kids before, and had no experience with the day to day of school age children. And these boys fought all the time. They fought over everything: the front seat in the car, who's baseball cap was who's, what to watch on tv, who touched who first...normal sibling stuff, but it was new to me as a parent. I was overwhelmed. I have siblings and while we were growing up we could fight with the best of them, but I never had to mediate or parent this behavior. And I didn't have the luxury of working up to this with them because they had not grown up in my home. I had Joe, who was in a routine, and he and I got along wonderfully. But Tim and Carl were a real challenge to me. I wanted my mommy!!!
Carl, the younger brother, once asked me why they were in foster care, and why they couldn't go home. Nobody had ever taught me how to deal with this emotion. (Still no training.) I didn't really know what to say to him because the reasons he and his brother were in care were vague. I tried to make it easy for him, I told him his parents had to work some things out, and until they did, they were having trouble being able to take care of him, so he was with me. He didn't really understand what I was saying to him. Honestly, I didn't know how to talk to a 6 year old, so poor Carl was stuck with a woman who couldn't seem to come down from a level of college academia! On top of that, he would tell me things his step-father had done to scare him, and I was appalled, didn't know how to react. I hadn't been told yet that I simply shouldn't react because I didn't want to make him feel bad about where he'd come from. Here we were, a woman with the wrong vocabulary, and a boy with life experience that far exceeded what any of us should ever experience.
One of my other challenges was needing to make meals every night. I have never proclaimed to be a cook, nor have I ever had the desire. And what kind of meals do young boys like anyway? Joe was easy, he was a baby. I was easy, I didn't always eat much at dinner. So I took Tim and Carl shopping for food. What I discovered was that they liked Hamburger Helper, Macaroni and Cheese, and other easy stuff like that. Kid food. I made a box of Hamburger Helper Lasagne one night, and Tim proclaimed that it was the best dinner he'd ever had. And he liked it even better the next night as leftovers. I was a hero.
I learned from these two guys that it doesn't take much to be a hero in a kid's eyes. I didn't do much more than give them a clean place to live with food on the table, and care about them. They didn't gush over me, but they felt comfortable and safe, and that's how I knew I'd done my job.
Tim and Carl only stayed with me for a month. In fact, the day mom came home was the day they left. She'd brought them some little drums and wooden flutes from her trip, and was able to give these gifts to the boys before they left. She was a hero. They loved the instruments, and they loved this woman they'd never met before for thinking of them.
She took a picture of them sitting on our front walk making music, and so started our picture wall. The picture was so telling that she also found one of Joe from when he first came, and she made 5x7's of each picture, framed them, and hung them in the hall. Since then, every child who has been with us for a month or more has had their picture hung in our hall. When Tim and Carl brought their mom over to meet us several months later, Granny (the name the kids had started calling my mom) showed them their picture, and they were proud to have it there. They are forever part of our hearts and home!
And again, we were down to just the two of us and little Joe. This second loss was just as hard for me emotional, but a bit smoother. I at least knew to expect it this time, and it was great when the boys came back to see me.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Our First Loss: Don't Do it Alone!
Why Did They Have to Leave?
Just a little over a month after getting them, John and Jack were going home. This was very hard for us to understand. From where we stood, we couldn't see much change in the mom to warrant sending these precious gems back to that situation. And they were doing so well with us. In the short time we'd had them they were eating, with utensils, drinking from cups, starting to talk, learning to go to bed in a bed at bedtime, and getting their asthma under control. How could it possibly be better for them to leave us?
I think one of the hardest things for new foster parents to understand is that 99.9% of the biological parents love their children very much and especially in cases of neglect, never intended to hurt their children. I couldn't believe this mom could have loved her children and let them get to this stage of neglect. But she did love them. Unfortunately, she was young, and immature, and unaware of how to be a parent. She had other problems, and she needed help dealing with them. But just because someone is young and dumb does not mean they hate their children.
They called us on a Thursday afternoon. They'd had court that day, and everyone had expected the boys to stay in care another 6 months so mom could get her act together. What really happened was that the judge ordered the boys go home that day. I was amazed and speechless. This was our first experience with the unpredictability with the courts. I felt like someone was gripping my heart and squeezing the life out of me. I rushed out of work and went home to hug my boys. I especially felt sad saying goodbye to John because I knew he was getting the short end of the stick here. By this time we'd seen mom with the boys, and everytime, she'd rush in and scoop up Jack and hug and kiss on him, and expect John to just follow her back to the visiting room. The more we saw her ignore John, the more we coddled him. And now he was going back to live in that situation.
When the case manager drove up to get the boys I could hardly look at him. I picked up John, and my mom picked up Jack and we carried them outside. Jack was getting excited because he knew riding in this car meant going to play with his mom for an hour. John started crying because he'd come to hate being taken to see his mom. The harder he cried, the harder I cried. But I had to put him in the car and kiss him goodbye. Jack waved from his seat, oblivious to the pain his brother was suffering. John seemed to know he wasn't coming back this time. The social worker got in the car and drove away with my twins.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Just a little over a month after getting them, John and Jack were going home. This was very hard for us to understand. From where we stood, we couldn't see much change in the mom to warrant sending these precious gems back to that situation. And they were doing so well with us. In the short time we'd had them they were eating, with utensils, drinking from cups, starting to talk, learning to go to bed in a bed at bedtime, and getting their asthma under control. How could it possibly be better for them to leave us?
I think one of the hardest things for new foster parents to understand is that 99.9% of the biological parents love their children very much and especially in cases of neglect, never intended to hurt their children. I couldn't believe this mom could have loved her children and let them get to this stage of neglect. But she did love them. Unfortunately, she was young, and immature, and unaware of how to be a parent. She had other problems, and she needed help dealing with them. But just because someone is young and dumb does not mean they hate their children.
They called us on a Thursday afternoon. They'd had court that day, and everyone had expected the boys to stay in care another 6 months so mom could get her act together. What really happened was that the judge ordered the boys go home that day. I was amazed and speechless. This was our first experience with the unpredictability with the courts. I felt like someone was gripping my heart and squeezing the life out of me. I rushed out of work and went home to hug my boys. I especially felt sad saying goodbye to John because I knew he was getting the short end of the stick here. By this time we'd seen mom with the boys, and everytime, she'd rush in and scoop up Jack and hug and kiss on him, and expect John to just follow her back to the visiting room. The more we saw her ignore John, the more we coddled him. And now he was going back to live in that situation.
When the case manager drove up to get the boys I could hardly look at him. I picked up John, and my mom picked up Jack and we carried them outside. Jack was getting excited because he knew riding in this car meant going to play with his mom for an hour. John started crying because he'd come to hate being taken to see his mom. The harder he cried, the harder I cried. But I had to put him in the car and kiss him goodbye. Jack waved from his seat, oblivious to the pain his brother was suffering. John seemed to know he wasn't coming back this time. The social worker got in the car and drove away with my twins.
We went back in the house, and we were back to just the three of us. Little Joe looked lonely, as if he knew too. I looked around and cried as I thought, there'll be no more after dinner tag with the dog, no more bath time assembly line. And we only had each other because we didn't know anyone else who'd been through this. My advice to all foster parents is that it is crucial to build up a support network of people who've had the same experiences and they can help you through it. Get involved in the foster parent community, not just in your area, but across the nation.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Todays News!!
We had a baby today!!
I realize I'm a little young for this, but I became a grandmother today of a little boy named Brandon. My daughter, Kneesaa, who you will learn more about as you read my continued story, and her husband, Steve, had their first child today. Things were a little scary for a while because Kneesaa was having problems which caused her doctor to do an emergency c-section and take the baby 5 weeks early. But mommy and baby are doing well. They should be able to go home in about 3 days. Congratulations Kneesaa! We love you so very much!!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
I realize I'm a little young for this, but I became a grandmother today of a little boy named Brandon. My daughter, Kneesaa, who you will learn more about as you read my continued story, and her husband, Steve, had their first child today. Things were a little scary for a while because Kneesaa was having problems which caused her doctor to do an emergency c-section and take the baby 5 weeks early. But mommy and baby are doing well. They should be able to go home in about 3 days. Congratulations Kneesaa! We love you so very much!!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Before We Were Trained...
Our Triplets...
The first month we had Joe in our home was fantastic and fun. He was a sweet adorable baby, and we'd had no foster parent training, so we had no expectations. Then we got twin boys who were 20 months old. They came with nothing, not even fully clothed, and they were filthy. We took them shopping, cleaned them up, and set them at the table for a meal. At nearly 2 years old, we assumed they would eat solid foods and drink from a cup.
We noticed that while Joe was thriving in our home, the twins, we'll call them John and Jack, were having a little more difficulty. Both boys did take to the cup pretty well, but Jack was having trouble with the solid food. Mostly he would stare at it and cry. John was eating it a little better, but neither boy seemed to know what a spoon or fork was.
What we found out was that both boys had still been on a bottle when they were brought into foster care, and they were not on a regular diet of solid foods. In fact, they were somewhat malnutritioned and had distended bellies that made them look chunky. As we taught them to eat and gave them more than just milk in their new sippy cups, the bellies went down, and both boys looked healthier in as little as two weeks time.
John, Jack, and Joe (who was 12 months old) were all the same size, and we had a tendancy to dress all three boys alike. One day we were in the park, teaching the boys to swing and slide, and a mother of what looked like five children of varying ages came up to me and asked how old my triplets were. I explained that they were not triplets, the two were twins and were 20 months old, and Joe was 12 months old. "Oh," she said, and she stood there looking confused as she did the math in her head and realized that they were not even 9 months apart, and looking at my left hand noticed I wasn't wearing a ring. And the more she looked at the boys, I'm sure the more she could see that Joe really didn't look anything like John and Jack. I just smiled at her and went back to swinging the boys. She gave me an odd scowl and went back to her brood.
I've encountered quite a number of odd looks and comments since then, but I think I laughed the hardest at this one. Maybe because it was the first.
The twins started having visitations with their mother right away. They visited twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays. They would go on Tuesday, and when they came home, well, let's say we had no idea what we were in for. Jack would start screaming, very loud, in a very high pitch. He would throw himself around the room, hit himself, kick the floor. We didn't know why or how to help him. This would last for up to two hours at a time. All we could do was put him on the couch with no back cushions, and sit on either side of him to keep him from hurting himself. While this was happening, John was having his own reaction. He would sit against a wall and slowly, methodically, bang his head against the wall. I would pull him over to us and hold him and rock him while sitting on the couch trying to keep his brother from hurting himself. This was not something we had been prepared for!
By Thursday nights, John and Jack would be back to normal behavior, playing with Joe, being cute and cuddly. Then Friday would come, and another visit, and we'd start all over. Eventually, John's behavior almost stopped, though. He began having tantrums when they came to take him to his visits rather than when he came back from them. Jack, however, got worse over the time we had him. All we could figure was that Jack was favored by their mother, and John was ignored, so he preferred being with us where all three boys were given equal attention.
Don't get me wrong, for the most part, these three boys were the absolute joy of my life! After dinner every night, they'd be stripped down to their diapers, and they would run around the house chasing each other and chasing our golden retriever. Their laughter melted my heart. Bath time was an assembly line...all three boys in the tub playing, then I'd wash one, pull him out and send him to my mom to be dried and dressed while I washed the next one and so one. We loved it.
One of my favorite things the twins did, it was so cute! They would stand facing each other in nothing but their diapers. Suddenly, each would put his head down, scowl at the other, put their fists on their hips, then they would pick up one foot, swing it out and plant it hard to the side. Then they would do the same with the other foot. Next they would bend their knees and jump into the air and land on their butts. And then the best part, they would laugh hysterically!
But there was a lot we didn't understand about pretty much everything. With no training about foster care, and no training to even let us know what to expect, we had no idea about behavior resulting from neglect and abuse, or the effects of drugs and alcohol on children who were exposed in the womb. In the beginning, we just loved our baby boys.
What we've figured out is that it takes more than love. We love all our kids, but they all need special handling, and special attention. We didn't know how to do that in the beginning, or even that we needed to do that. We needed training, and we hadn't even considered it yet.
Since this time, we have been to any and every training opportunity we've come across. There is a lot of training out there for foster parents, even online! One of my favorites for some quick insight on a specific issues is the Foster Parent College. Try it!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
The first month we had Joe in our home was fantastic and fun. He was a sweet adorable baby, and we'd had no foster parent training, so we had no expectations. Then we got twin boys who were 20 months old. They came with nothing, not even fully clothed, and they were filthy. We took them shopping, cleaned them up, and set them at the table for a meal. At nearly 2 years old, we assumed they would eat solid foods and drink from a cup.
We noticed that while Joe was thriving in our home, the twins, we'll call them John and Jack, were having a little more difficulty. Both boys did take to the cup pretty well, but Jack was having trouble with the solid food. Mostly he would stare at it and cry. John was eating it a little better, but neither boy seemed to know what a spoon or fork was.
What we found out was that both boys had still been on a bottle when they were brought into foster care, and they were not on a regular diet of solid foods. In fact, they were somewhat malnutritioned and had distended bellies that made them look chunky. As we taught them to eat and gave them more than just milk in their new sippy cups, the bellies went down, and both boys looked healthier in as little as two weeks time.
John, Jack, and Joe (who was 12 months old) were all the same size, and we had a tendancy to dress all three boys alike. One day we were in the park, teaching the boys to swing and slide, and a mother of what looked like five children of varying ages came up to me and asked how old my triplets were. I explained that they were not triplets, the two were twins and were 20 months old, and Joe was 12 months old. "Oh," she said, and she stood there looking confused as she did the math in her head and realized that they were not even 9 months apart, and looking at my left hand noticed I wasn't wearing a ring. And the more she looked at the boys, I'm sure the more she could see that Joe really didn't look anything like John and Jack. I just smiled at her and went back to swinging the boys. She gave me an odd scowl and went back to her brood.
I've encountered quite a number of odd looks and comments since then, but I think I laughed the hardest at this one. Maybe because it was the first.
The twins started having visitations with their mother right away. They visited twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays. They would go on Tuesday, and when they came home, well, let's say we had no idea what we were in for. Jack would start screaming, very loud, in a very high pitch. He would throw himself around the room, hit himself, kick the floor. We didn't know why or how to help him. This would last for up to two hours at a time. All we could do was put him on the couch with no back cushions, and sit on either side of him to keep him from hurting himself. While this was happening, John was having his own reaction. He would sit against a wall and slowly, methodically, bang his head against the wall. I would pull him over to us and hold him and rock him while sitting on the couch trying to keep his brother from hurting himself. This was not something we had been prepared for!
By Thursday nights, John and Jack would be back to normal behavior, playing with Joe, being cute and cuddly. Then Friday would come, and another visit, and we'd start all over. Eventually, John's behavior almost stopped, though. He began having tantrums when they came to take him to his visits rather than when he came back from them. Jack, however, got worse over the time we had him. All we could figure was that Jack was favored by their mother, and John was ignored, so he preferred being with us where all three boys were given equal attention.
Don't get me wrong, for the most part, these three boys were the absolute joy of my life! After dinner every night, they'd be stripped down to their diapers, and they would run around the house chasing each other and chasing our golden retriever. Their laughter melted my heart. Bath time was an assembly line...all three boys in the tub playing, then I'd wash one, pull him out and send him to my mom to be dried and dressed while I washed the next one and so one. We loved it.
One of my favorite things the twins did, it was so cute! They would stand facing each other in nothing but their diapers. Suddenly, each would put his head down, scowl at the other, put their fists on their hips, then they would pick up one foot, swing it out and plant it hard to the side. Then they would do the same with the other foot. Next they would bend their knees and jump into the air and land on their butts. And then the best part, they would laugh hysterically!
But there was a lot we didn't understand about pretty much everything. With no training about foster care, and no training to even let us know what to expect, we had no idea about behavior resulting from neglect and abuse, or the effects of drugs and alcohol on children who were exposed in the womb. In the beginning, we just loved our baby boys.
What we've figured out is that it takes more than love. We love all our kids, but they all need special handling, and special attention. We didn't know how to do that in the beginning, or even that we needed to do that. We needed training, and we hadn't even considered it yet.
Since this time, we have been to any and every training opportunity we've come across. There is a lot of training out there for foster parents, even online! One of my favorites for some quick insight on a specific issues is the Foster Parent College. Try it!
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Introducing: The Angel Retreat
Welcome to the Angel Retreat
How We Got Started
My story actually starts in New Mexico, where I lived, taking care of my mom, but wanting to be a mom myself. I tried for two years to get pregnant, and never considered the option of adoption. But this was all to no avail, because as it turns out, I can't conceive children of my own.
In 1999, my mom and I were convinced to move back to Idaho to be closer to our family and friends. We both needed these connections: I because I needed the emotional support due to my infertility, and she because she was very sick and needed every kind of support to keep her going.
We moved the summer of 2000. But my life was feeling empty. For whatever reason, Project Baby was lost in the move. I still had the need and desire, but my options had changed. I didn't have the backing of a good health insurance to help pay for my cause, and the medical community here had a less encouraging feel. More importantly, I didn't want the emotional let-down of not conceiving anymore. So I started researching avenues which included adoption. What I found most likely for me was foster care.
In March 2001, The Angel Retreat was born. We hadn't named our home yet, but I was suddenly licensed to do foster care, and my first child, a baby boy who I will call Joe, had moved in with us. The most miraculous thing I noticed right off was that my mom seemed to start feeling better. I felt alive. And Joe was healthy and happy in our home. This is how we came to be.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
How We Got Started
My story actually starts in New Mexico, where I lived, taking care of my mom, but wanting to be a mom myself. I tried for two years to get pregnant, and never considered the option of adoption. But this was all to no avail, because as it turns out, I can't conceive children of my own.
In 1999, my mom and I were convinced to move back to Idaho to be closer to our family and friends. We both needed these connections: I because I needed the emotional support due to my infertility, and she because she was very sick and needed every kind of support to keep her going.
We moved the summer of 2000. But my life was feeling empty. For whatever reason, Project Baby was lost in the move. I still had the need and desire, but my options had changed. I didn't have the backing of a good health insurance to help pay for my cause, and the medical community here had a less encouraging feel. More importantly, I didn't want the emotional let-down of not conceiving anymore. So I started researching avenues which included adoption. What I found most likely for me was foster care.
In March 2001, The Angel Retreat was born. We hadn't named our home yet, but I was suddenly licensed to do foster care, and my first child, a baby boy who I will call Joe, had moved in with us. The most miraculous thing I noticed right off was that my mom seemed to start feeling better. I felt alive. And Joe was healthy and happy in our home. This is how we came to be.
Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.
Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.
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