I Didn't Realize I'd Posted

But While I'm Here...

Let's talk a little about what happens when you decide to adopt a child from foster care. First of all, this is not the way to go if you are wanting a baby. I really got lucky that I've managed to get two babies to raise from birth (or near birth), but that is not how it usually goes. Expect a child five or older.

What are special needs? Well, they range from a child older than 5 to a child with severe physical or mental incapabilities. Pretty much any child from foster care is considered a special needs child. From my experience, all the kids have one or more of the following going against them:
fetal alcohol exposure
fetal drug exposure
neglect
physical abuse
abandonment
sexual abuse
cognitive delays
malnutrition
mental abuse
parentification
emotional detachment
This is only a short list of what might be going on. And the best thing you can do with any of them is find a support group. The next thing is to become an expert on whatever ails them. The thing is, all these problems present themselves in behaviorally. Young children don't know how to express what is wrong, therefore act out. As kids with these afflictions age, especially the longer they stay in this situation, they don't learn how to manage the physical and emotional feelings they have, they become more detatched and less trusting.

Let's take Annie, for example. She's 7, and came to live with me when she was 2. We don't really know what she may have been exposed to in the womb, and we do know that she was exposed to severe trauma as an infant. She came into care at the age of 1 1/2, and lived in two other foster homes before I got her. After I got her, when we first started the process of terminating parental rights, she was suddenly taken to live with her long lost father. She came back 8 months later. She's been with me ever since.

Now, she's always had problems with impulse control, and she goes into rages, or temper tantrums, that can last upwards of 2 hours and include screaming, yelling, biting, hitting, kicking, punching, and throwing things. They never include tears. At almost 8 years old, these are still going on. There is some evidence from her different behaviors that she was exposed to alcohol in the womb though she does not have full fledged fetal alcohol syndrome.

We have worked diligently with Annie, and her counselor, and a string of PSR (psycho-social rehabilitator) workers, and we've seen improvement. Of course, we constantly have set backs, every time we think we've made some real progress we see ourselves falling back sometimes months, sometimes longer. But slowly we feel she is finding more and more ways to control herself.

So last week we got the news that we could finally move forward to finalize the adoption. She is so excited. And yet...she is doing the things we expect from kids who have been moved around much more than she has. She is testing our love for her. And it's getting bad. Every time I turn around she's hurting someone, or lying about something, or defacing something. She failed her spelling test...and she's always at the top of her class, very competitive. This is the part that makes you want to tear your hair out. This probably contributes to the overwhelming anxiety I mentioned earlier. This is what I've gone through with 3 other girls in my life. This is the part about foster care adoption you have to live through to get to you goal in the end.

Are you strong enough for it?


Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

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