Before We Were Trained...

Our Triplets...

The first month we had Joe in our home was fantastic and fun. He was a sweet adorable baby, and we'd had no foster parent training, so we had no expectations. Then we got twin boys who were 20 months old. They came with nothing, not even fully clothed, and they were filthy. We took them shopping, cleaned them up, and set them at the table for a meal. At nearly 2 years old, we assumed they would eat solid foods and drink from a cup.

We noticed that while Joe was thriving in our home, the twins, we'll call them John and Jack, were having a little more difficulty. Both boys did take to the cup pretty well, but Jack was having trouble with the solid food. Mostly he would stare at it and cry. John was eating it a little better, but neither boy seemed to know what a spoon or fork was.

What we found out was that both boys had still been on a bottle when they were brought into foster care, and they were not on a regular diet of solid foods. In fact, they were somewhat malnutritioned and had distended bellies that made them look chunky. As we taught them to eat and gave them more than just milk in their new sippy cups, the bellies went down, and both boys looked healthier in as little as two weeks time.

John, Jack, and Joe (who was 12 months old) were all the same size, and we had a tendancy to dress all three boys alike. One day we were in the park, teaching the boys to swing and slide, and a mother of what looked like five children of varying ages came up to me and asked how old my triplets were. I explained that they were not triplets, the two were twins and were 20 months old, and Joe was 12 months old. "Oh," she said, and she stood there looking confused as she did the math in her head and realized that they were not even 9 months apart, and looking at my left hand noticed I wasn't wearing a ring. And the more she looked at the boys, I'm sure the more she could see that Joe really didn't look anything like John and Jack. I just smiled at her and went back to swinging the boys. She gave me an odd scowl and went back to her brood.
I've encountered quite a number of odd looks and comments since then, but I think I laughed the hardest at this one. Maybe because it was the first.

The twins started having visitations with their mother right away. They visited twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays. They would go on Tuesday, and when they came home, well, let's say we had no idea what we were in for. Jack would start screaming, very loud, in a very high pitch. He would throw himself around the room, hit himself, kick the floor. We didn't know why or how to help him. This would last for up to two hours at a time. All we could do was put him on the couch with no back cushions, and sit on either side of him to keep him from hurting himself. While this was happening, John was having his own reaction. He would sit against a wall and slowly, methodically, bang his head against the wall. I would pull him over to us and hold him and rock him while sitting on the couch trying to keep his brother from hurting himself. This was not something we had been prepared for!

By Thursday nights, John and Jack would be back to normal behavior, playing with Joe, being cute and cuddly. Then Friday would come, and another visit, and we'd start all over. Eventually, John's behavior almost stopped, though. He began having tantrums when they came to take him to his visits rather than when he came back from them. Jack, however, got worse over the time we had him. All we could figure was that Jack was favored by their mother, and John was ignored, so he preferred being with us where all three boys were given equal attention.

Don't get me wrong, for the most part, these three boys were the absolute joy of my life! After dinner every night, they'd be stripped down to their diapers, and they would run around the house chasing each other and chasing our golden retriever. Their laughter melted my heart. Bath time was an assembly line...all three boys in the tub playing, then I'd wash one, pull him out and send him to my mom to be dried and dressed while I washed the next one and so one. We loved it.

One of my favorite things the twins did, it was so cute! They would stand facing each other in nothing but their diapers. Suddenly, each would put his head down, scowl at the other, put their fists on their hips, then they would pick up one foot, swing it out and plant it hard to the side. Then they would do the same with the other foot. Next they would bend their knees and jump into the air and land on their butts. And then the best part, they would laugh hysterically!

But there was a lot we didn't understand about pretty much everything. With no training about foster care, and no training to even let us know what to expect, we had no idea about behavior resulting from neglect and abuse, or the effects of drugs and alcohol on children who were exposed in the womb. In the beginning, we just loved our baby boys.

What we've figured out is that it takes more than love. We love all our kids, but they all need special handling, and special attention. We didn't know how to do that in the beginning, or even that we needed to do that. We needed training, and we hadn't even considered it yet.

Since this time, we have been to any and every training opportunity we've come across. There is a lot of training out there for foster parents, even online! One of my favorites for some quick insight on a specific issues is the Foster Parent College. Try it!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

Donations to fund the needs and activities for the angels who live with us are always welcome.