What's Going on Today

Some Days You Wonder Why You're Doing It!

I'm going to take a break from the story of how we got where we are. Today is really hard for me, and when I start to tell you why, you're going to say, "you should be jumping for joy, not complaining!" A lot has been happening around my house the last few weeks, and I think I lost who I was this weekend. This happens sometimes in foster care because every day is high energy and chaos, there is very rarely a break unless you physically leave to take a break.

But most of what's been happening has been good, just very overwhelming. Right now there are five kids in my home. I have a teenage girl who will be aging out of care in 4 months, and she won't be staying with us after that. Many times when a kid ages out, they stay to finish school, or until college starts, or until they can get into their own place...whatever the plans are. But this one won't be staying, and I feel very conflicted about it, because it's the first time I've wanted one to leave right away. I've had trouble with some of the teens when they turn 18 and want to be adults and have no restrictions anymore, but most still recognize that they have something in our family as far as support and love. They hang out until we can help them move on in a more natural progressive way rather than running out as soon as they are emancipated. I don't want this one to stay, and she doesn't want to stay, and I know I'll be relieved when she leaves, and I feel guilty about it. She causes all kinds of trouble in our house with all the kids, she is openly defiant, and I'm exhausted. I'm afraid I'm burned out on this kind of behavior, and my patience has worn thin, and I can't do it with her. She's different from the others too because in her there is no sign that she cares at all. They all resist love and concern, but in their own ways they still accept it at some point and reciprocate in some way. This is not the case with her, and I'm tired of trying to get her to accept our love. She is the first kid I can say I think truly has no desire for it and no matter what I do she won't accept it. After two years with her, I have to let her go, and I feel bad because I'm at a point where I'm anxious to do so. God, please forgive me!

But then there is a plethora of good news! I have two elementary aged girls, and two toddler boys. When this teen leaves, I get to go back to a teenless home for a few years. I am excited about this! I think I need this change. But there's more. I'll start with the youngest. Andrew (this is not his real name, but will be some day) is almost two years old. He's lived with us for over a year now, and he is so cute! I've loved having him, teaching him, and growing a bond with him. I am going to adopt him, and we knew from the beginning that this was the most likely way this would go, but now the wheels of adoption have begun to move, and it's real.

The next youngest, Will, is not in foster care. He was. I got him when he was two days old, and was his foster parent until his second birthday when his mom got custody of him. But since then, he's lived with us almost full time. She has struggled, and tried very hard, but nearly a month ago, just before his third birthday, she gave up. She didn't want to, but she realized she couldn't be the mom he needs, and asked me to adopt him. So now those wheels are moving too. (That makes 2 adoptions in the works.)

The next is Annie, who is 7 years old. Again, this is not her legal name, but it will be. She came to me 5 years ago as an adoptive placement. But the courts have moved very slow in her case. Over 1 1/2 years ago, the judge finally ruled to terminate parental rights. Then her birth mom appealed the ruling. Last week we finally got that ruling back in our favor. So now we start the wheels turning on this adoption (five years later). This makes 3 adoptions in the works. (Holy Cow!)

The next girl, who we will call Alison, is older than Annie. She's been with us for 10 months. It looks like she may not be going home at all, but right now, everything is unsure in her case. So she lives with us, is part of our family, but is starting to have issues at being the only one not being adopted. We try to be very sensitive with her and make sure she knows she is still an equal member of our family, but there's still that underlying excitement with everyone else that can't be helped.

So besides the teen, where's my anxiety, you ask? I don't want to feel this way. I want to be on a cloud. But I never thought Will would ever be mine legally in every way, and I was beginning to think we'd never get to Annie's adoption. And now, they are both happening at once, and at the same time as Andrew's adoption, and my mind is going to explode. I can't breathe. I don't know which way I'm going half the time. And Annie is doing what most older kids who are being adopted do, she's testing my every limit. She wants to make sure I'm never giving her up. She's making my hair fall out. At this point, I think we'd all be better off if I could take a few days, alone, to relax, think, gather myself, and get control of my emotions so I do know which way I'm going. This is everything I wanted, but now that I'm getting it all at once, I don't know how to handle it.

I know, I know, poor me. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier about all this. And I know in the end, I'll survive, and we'll be one big happy family for it. I've never had this much good happen to me all at once. It is overwhelming!

I Love My Life!!!!

Tune in again to read tales about the adventures from the Angel Retreat.

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